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Wedding vows. Are atheists vows stronger than religious vows?

I'm wondering if many of you are married to other atheists like you.

missgi 5 Mar 17
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8

The vows are as strong as the resolve of the people making them. I don't think religion has much bearing on that.

Deb57 Level 8 Mar 17, 2019

Exactly. Integrity, fidelity, and loyalty are either there or absent in a person, regardless of whether religion is involved or not.

6

It doesn't matter about the vows, it has to do with the people making them.

5

In my experience, all vows are worthless.

I never thought about it so bluntly before! But, you could be on to something!

Cannot agree more

5

I officiated a wedding recently. As an atheist, I was ideal to do the ceremony because while they were leaning spiritual, they were not religious. Their families on the other hand were. I was able to strike the balance between meaningful linguistic beauty and symbolism without envoking God or spirit and it seemed to go over very well with all involved. Folks didn’t seem to miss the references to Adam and Eve or “like is blind, love is ...” references at all. Plus it was funny, and their vows were both sweet.

All of that being said, they are divorcing less than a year later. Vows that can’t be kept are worthless by themselves, it’s the people saying them, whatever they are, that really matter.

4

Nah, one says stupid thing on ones wedding day. Things that are sometimes impossible to act upon. Just two people with rose colored glasses who think that "their love is different".

???

3

Vows are vows. You either mean them or you don't

lerlo Level 8 Mar 19, 2019
3

People either grow together or grow apart and there is nothing uttered or printed on paper that will keep people together if there is no longer any wish on the part of one or the other to remain so.

If you would marry suitably, marry your equal.
Ovid (43 BC – 17 AD)

3

None believers are both free and more thoughtful, and therefore less likely to make or be forced into an inappropriate marriage in the first place.

3

I personally do not see the strength in the vows, as different! The people that are agreeing to follow their vows will determine the gravity of them! Some people are totally committed to one another, and never took any vows!

@missgi I have too much life experience to keep maintaining unrealistic romantic leanings! I have become a realist maybe to a fault! I am way past fairy tales and romantic fiction! Real life has rarely measured up to any portion of them! Just look at all the searching, unattached people there are out here! I only believe in human goodness and even that must be cultivated!

@missgi Unromantic, perhaps. But have you ever considered what romantic tropes are rooted in? They originate in concepts of courtly love from the 11th century. The woman is on a pedestal, unattainable to the man, who worships her as some sort of unsullied ideal. He worships her in part because she is "pure", which means he can never consummate his ardor. His yearnings are the point, not the fulfillment of them. The man is the knight in shining armor who declares his undying admiration for his love-object (and she's very much objectified) and pledges to defend her honor and purity at any personal cost to himself while asking nothing in return, save perhaps, a proffered hankie of hers to treasure and hold next to his beating heart.

Of course in the real world, we modify this somewhat, but we put so much stock in the "chase" or the "game of love" that we have nothing left over for the inevitable reality of daily life, of laundry and diapers and whiny demanding children and nosy in-laws and irritating neighbors and flat tires and leaky faucets and shitty jobs and student loans.

No wonder the shrinks always say that at some point, you have to give back your projections and allow your partner to be human. Take them off that pedestal.

I think all some of us are saying is, why not do that from the get-go? Marriage is an amplifier for whatever you bring to it. It's not the solution to your problems. If you are anxious, selfish, or fearful, marriage will make you more so. If you're calm, loyal, devoted, and centered, marriage will make you more so (all things being equal). So ... it's not that there's never an electric thrill or that we have to deliberately tamp down our feelings about that first kiss, but ... I'm not sure that the the romantic love ballads and rom-coms and cultural obsession with romance have done us any favors, either.

Illusions come cheap, and die easy.

@mordant we have been saturated with too much entertainment! I have found the more I stay away, the better I understand my own life!

@Freedompath Yes the romantic escapades of physically perfect Beautiful (and usually Rich) People in TV and movies are no guide whatsoever to reality, either. Most of those characters are stumbling through life without any apparent need to earn a living at anything resembling a real job, have only the most vapid personal concerns, and are just generally unrelatable apart from this gauzy, vague interest in having some sort of fling with zero consequences or concerns. How often are lovers shown pausing for the guy to put on a condom for example? How often are they anything less than physically perfect? No, it's all ripping off already-revealing clothes to "roll in the deep" at the drop of a hat, and then we wonder why we're disappointed in our own sex lives!

Meh. I'll take a pass.

3

I don't know, I haven't heard many atheist vows, but I would assume so. Because if I get married again my vows will be based in reality and actually mean something to us.

2

Atheists are stronger than religious vows. There is no fairy tales beliefs with slight variations to get in the way of your journey together.

2

If you really care about your partner, your and his/her happiness, health and work as a true partner in any endeavor you agree upon, understand and accept expectations, I believe there is no need for the following:

  1. any vows
  2. any greeting card
  3. any expenses except for a county marriage license or a registration card for domestic partners
  4. a rock in the ring
  5. any expenses you cannot easily afford (not more than one person's weekly pay)

A real commitment that lasts will come from each partner's "daily actions" (not words) that validate the bond, the love.

There are many cultures around the world that never use greeting cards, thank you and I love you 20 times a day, a diamond ring and a show off to others about your relationship but have 60, 70 years of marriage with tons of gratitude for what they have enjoyed and endured in their lives.

In short, a true commitment does not need vows and a lot of other BS built into our culture. Cut yourself some slack and be real.

2

[humanism.org.uk]

Well it looks like humanist vows are

2

I, personally take my vows/ commitment to someone very serious. It's just him, no one else.

2

The difference between wedding vows of theists and atheists in my opinion is that one of them brings an invisible friend into the picture. Otherwise it's all about the same. Currently single here and in some way or another all my wives were believers. You know how that goes. People say "I believe in my own way." LOL

2

saw an article yesterday that claimed non-believers were less likely to divorce.

Not sure that is a positive, yet.

2

Divorce Rates for Atheists Are Among the Lowest in America

[thoughtco.com]

cava Level 7 Mar 17, 2019

thanks for the link.

Interesting article. I don't find it strange at all that the groups who have the highest number of divorces are the most concerned about the state of marriage in society. Hypocrisy seems to be a very human trait.

1

The institution of marriage is dying people..... forget the vows, start loving each other.... and be happy every day for real........ That's all you need.

1

There are no "atheist vows" because there is no atheist holy book or clergy.

In truth all there ever is, are the vows any two individuals actually make and the authenticity and commitment behind those vows. And that varies independently of religion or areligion. Who authors the words or officiates at the ceremony makes no actual difference, although it can influence the perceived difference in between the ears of the celebrants.

So the real question is, whose morality tends to be more influential in how they actually live out their lives? Morality rooted in fear of punishment or in obligation -- or morality rooted in convictions concerning what is objectively beneficial or harmful in the actions you choose?

I know which morality I'd choose. I'd take a considered atheist over a mindless theist any day.

Also of course I'd take an empathetic, kind theist over a sociopathic atheist, in that rare and mostly hypothetical situation where I'd run into either of those as a choice.

0

Our vows were in Sanskrit chanted by Hindu priests that nobody understood.

I was married to a religious woman but we were able to not allow religion come between us because there were higher issues like raising the daughter, parents's sicknesses, settling down etc. Looking back I now think we must have thought religion was a silly thing to deserve any friction. I was able to raise the daughter atheist though.

I am capable of allowing any person in my company to pursue religion and not impose my atheism over others. I think the more energy we give to religion (support or opposition), the more wind it gathers. Starving it off attention can be good strategy. Just take the glamour and attention away.

0

For me, wedding vows are very important. A vow is a promise from a partner to be always near, support, and help me in a difficult moment.

You don't have to believe in God to say your vows. You believe in love for each other, and that is enough to declare your feelings. When we were getting married, we made vows to each other before the wedding. Our photographer captured that moment. she took pictures when we got married she took pictures when we got married [alyissalandriphoto.com] , too, and captured all the happiest moments of our celebration. I am grateful to this girl for her professionalism and ability to do wonders.

0

I made the mistake of marrying a Christian.... She damaged the relationship I had with my only child and did a lot of damage to me as well. My daughter and I are finally starting to have a relationship again after almost 30 years and it was my only marriage.... I was her second husband so figure out what I am telling you for yourself.... FYI all three of her children hate her now and the middle child is a drug addict....

0

What a great question. Penn Jillette - a well known atheist/agnostic, had this to say about marriage.

0

Nope. Most people are full of shit lol

@missgi I know. Just letting off some jaded bitterness lol

0

A vow is only as good as the character of the person making it, and valid only for as long as the situation remains unchanged. In other words, vows are pretty much worthless, irrespective of the religiosity or irreligious nature of the people making these forever-and-ever professions. That's not to say that marriages never last — clearly many do and can be quite fulfilling — but that's not predicated on promises made about a future unknown. People need to grow together over many years to have that sort of relationship longevity, but it's not possible to know one's own growth potential let alone that of another person, so it's always a roll of the dice no matter how pure the intent on the wedding day.

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