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Alright... let's go there.

Polyamory vs. Monogamy
or however you want to phrase it...

Do you believe that we as human beings should be progressing towards POLY type relationships - not expecting one person to meet all our needs, and not being expected by one person to meet all of their needs...

Or are you solid in your monogamous ways?

I was seeing a fella who is poly, and it gave me a lot of anxiety... but I'm not sure if it gave me more or less anxiety that if we were doing things one on one. He was honest about his activities, and when he was with his other girlfriend I would feel sick...but at least I knew what he was doing, and he wasn't just 'out with friends' for me to imagine if he was lying or cheating. Yes, I know I have major trust issues with men, that's a much deeper and longer story.

But how do you feel, what do you think?

doglvr1882 5 Mar 4

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34 comments

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21

Poly for some, mono for others. People are different. We don't need a uniform mating requirement.

I agree. One thing is that poly and mono should probably not be together.

@DelilahJones33 I've noticed that can be a difficult combination, but I wouldn't universally call it a bad idea. A very few monos are actually okay with a poly partner who can still fulfill all their needs. Many monos just accept their poly mates to be poly because they love them that much and want them to be happy more than they want all of their own happiness met. Some polys act mono for a mono partner, and some are okay with that while others feel stifled and resentful. Some polys try to get their mono partner to try to be poly. Seriously bad idea - that has less success than conversion therapy, which is a complete sham if not abusive.

12

sORRY still believe in monogamy.

Me too

9

I've never been monogamous. It proved something of an issue with my ex when I told him up front that I was poly and if we were going to get married (for tax reasons), I preferred to keep our marriage open in the event he or I met someone and wanted to pursue a relationship with them as well. Everything was fine until I started dating a very close mutual friend of ours. It bothered my ex that I was with anyone else, particularly as I shared a strong emotional connection with her and we spent so much time together. I broke things off with her to please him, despite how it hurt.

Last year I met two other people who were in a long term relationship with one another and after months of getting to know them, we ventured into a relationship. I've since left my ex as our paths were diverging into very different directions. He wasn't poly, he hadn't ever been, and the breaking point was me coming to him with the truth that I loved them deeply. I'd come out to him once as asexual (I now identify as demi), so learning my attraction to them wasn't a purely emotional or romantic one was a complete dealbreaker.

I truly believe poly is not for everyone. Some people have all their needs met by just one person or that's honestly all they want, and that is completely okay. Others, like myself, have specific desires that have never successfully been met by a single individual.

9

If all parties are fully invested in it, I can see where it would be beneficial to all involved- even the children since more loving adults cannot be bad for child.

8

I prefer monogamous for health reasons. People need to do what is comfortable for them

When you say health reasons do you mean sexual wellness? STI's? Ironically, poly identifying people tend to have lower or at least comperable STI rates statistically (depending on the study.) Poly people tend to be honest, ethical and commit to regular testing which help keep the rates of infection lower.

@AdorkableMe more than std

@btroje can you elaborate then? I'm not sure what other health concerns would be greater with polyamory.

@AdorkableMe not really interested. I don't have to explain or justify a personal position like this

@btroje Ok then. Not sure how discussing the possible health concerns related to polyamory is cause for justification of a personal position, but you do you.

@AdorkableMe yep

8

I discovered that I don't have any sexual jealousy at all. I really don't care what a partner does with who, sexually, as long as they're honest about it, and they're sensible with respect to infection risk.

Where I can get jealous is over the emotional connection. This became very clear when it became obvious that my ex would rather spend time with her 'friend with benefits' than with me. They'd constantly be texting and phoning, acting like teenagers. Then our (mine and her) trips to Amsterdam became their trips to Amsterdam, and so on.

So I think poly would only work for me in the sense of 3 (or more) people, all with an emotional connection with each other (or at least all with one with me.) I could be the hub if it suited the other parties to be spokes, but not the other way around.

8

I think individual humans can progress towards polyamory, monogamy, chosen singledom or whatever they like, rather than "we as human beings" aiming en masse for any one of them. Personally, I can't imagine being anything other monogamous (and if my partner can't meet all my needs I'll make compromises, just as I hope my partner will for me, because I believe that's how relationships work), but what other people do is up to them.

In the case of your ex, did he tell you he was going to be polyamorous at the beginning of your relationship, or later on? If it was at the start and you went along with the relationship knowing that to see if you could live with it, fair's fair (but I'm glad you got out of it - or I assume so, since you said "I was seeing" - as you clearly weren't happy). If he announced it later on, I'm even more glad you got out of it - if I'd been in your situation and he'd announced it after letting me believe I was in a monogamous relationship with him, he'd have been straight out the door.

Jnei Level 8 Mar 4, 2018

@doglvr1882 Sounds like you had a lucky escape. Unfortunately, some people are very skilled at appearing more honourable and trustworthy than they actually are, as you no doubt already know, and we all make the mistake of misreading what people are really like sometimes. Hopefully, the next man you meet will turn out to be much better!

@doglvr1882 Wow, he sounds like a catch - I'm amazed he even has to ask for women's phone numbers; I'd have thought any woman who knows him would be throwing herself at him! Better luck with the next one, then!

7

Depends on the person and their ability to let go of that possessive nature we all have in us. Just like a kid doesnt want to share their toys, most people don't want to share their SO. BUT I think when there's two mature people that are accepting of the fact they do not own their SO and aren't sharing so much as allowing them their freedom, it is an amazing dynamic. It's more likely you'll be cheated on than not in a monogamous relationship, so the way I see it, cut the bullshit. Poly relationships aren't easy but they're more realistic.

I somewhat agree. I've never cheated, but have been cheated on in a monogamous relationship. In the poly relationships one of my partners was always jealous of the other. I've recently been the "other" in 2 separate open relationships. That seems to have worked okay for the couples, but left me slightly wanting. Just my experiences though.

6

The truth is that most of us are into serial monogamy for one reason or another. It might be interesting to study precisely why, but marriage laws in this country are clearly the result of the christian beliefs of the majority – and imposed on such as Mormons and Muslims. I suppose if you think about morality in fairly abstract terms (what is good for the greatest number) there is something to be said for forcing parents to jointly raise (and be responsible for) their children. Its hard for me to see that outlawing the idea of multiple wives (or husbands) helps much in this regard. We have so many broken families in our society.

6

I think that as a society we need to be more open. Tho I'm not at all a fan of Mormons, nor do I think that their polygamy is fair to women, I don't know how it's the government's business unless Food Stamp fraud is involved or abuse of the women or the kids.
I think it has to be up to the individuals in any relationship & I agree honesty has to be the foundation.

4

i'm a monogamy guy and won'tbe evolving to a poly guy. i just want one honest intimate relationship going on in my life at a time.

Just to be clear, poly relationships can be very honest. In fact, in my experience, poly people work harder at being honest than many people I know who claim they are monogamous.

3

Right now I'm sexually monogamous, but I haven't always been. I used to think I couldn't be monogamous, but as it turns out, I can be. I have, however, become much more selective with whom I'll share sexual intimacy with.

I didn't really know about polyamory/ethical non-monogamy for the longest time. I didn't have the language for why I kept falling in love with men while I was married. It kind of just happened and I thought I was just a bad person for not being able to be monogamous. I thought I was abnormal and sick. But I wasn't. Love makes everything so much better and gives me energy and as long as I'm honest about my activities to those I'm with, it's good.

I have a lot of interests and hobbies and therefore need a lot of friends to share these things with. No one person likes all the things I like and even if they did, that would get rather boring. I like talking about all kinds of things from math/physics/biology to psychology to history and literature, art, theatre and music.

Fortunately, I've always had guy friends and my husband of the time was cool with that. He was cool with me needing to flirt with them too and it became kind of a fun game and most times I'd come home and share that energy with my husband. But sometimes I shared that with that person. I gave myself permission to feel love and follow my affections. It actually didn't turn sexual that often but sometimes it did and it felt good to share that physical aspect without any expectation that it needed to be an ongoing thing. At first I didn't tell my husband about this sexual activity with others. I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want to break up with him either. I still loved my husband, even though I wanted to love others too.

Things changed when someone I fell in love with told me that they didn't want to be hidden from my husband and that if I wanted to see him, I needed to tell my husband the truth about what I wanted.

So...I spent a great deal of time learning about polyamory and I opened up to my husband how I was. Those were some hard conversations. I still loved my husband, and I knew that telling him meant I could lose him, but I had to be true to myself and if it meant I lost my husband, that had to be okay. I couldn't keep how I was from him any longer. It wasn't fair.

Even so, I still felt a bit guilty for being married and wanting to be with others. My husband was monogamous. I will say this: I'm glad he did try to make an open marriage work. He was super uncomfortable at times and caused him pain and he got angry at me even though he gave me consent. It was a very confusing and painful time for a while. At least until he started finding women he could date and it was a little better.

But we still ended up splitting up because of other issues we had (stemming from his drinking).

I'm glad we tried, though, to make an open marriage work. We just couldn't.

So, the partner I'm with now is the last lover I ever had when I was married. We've been living together since about 6 months after my divorce.

But after being married for 18 years and finally being free to love whomever I wanted, I set up an OKC profile to start dating. In 2017 I dated 5 men, all of whom were poly and two who were married and poly. I had a really nice time dating them and going to interesting places and learning about their lives and how they navigated multiple relationships. I found out that in some cases, their wives were having more regular sexual encounters with others than they were. I didn't have sex with any of them, because I wasn't actually attracted to them that way, which was kind of disappointing. I found I couldn't get past the kissing stage for a couple of them because while they were nice, very smart men, they didn't kiss well.

Only one of them ever gave me any kind of passionate feelings. He was a beautiful kisser and I felt things I hadn't in a long while. I wasn't expecting that because though we spent 6 hours together going to different trendy spots in Logan Square in Chicago, I didn't have any real opinion either way, but that he was nice and a good communicator. But that goodbye kiss...there was a whole universe in that kiss. He was the only one I ever felt anything for...and our second date was a weekend getaway at a meditation and movement retreat - a cabin in the woods with 8 other really cool adults. His girlfriend couldn't go so he asked me and I didn't even have to pay for it, which was amazingly cool of him. We almost had sex there at the retreat, but in the end, didn't. It turns out later he told me he was a high functioning alcoholic, and while we are still friends, for my own peace of mind, I had to keep my distance (not too hard as he's an hour away). But I still think of him often.

One of them turned out to be one of my very best friends, but I never get to see him enough because he's getting super busy with his girlfriend and his photogrpahy hobby.

3

I think everyone should just do whatever the fuck they want. As long as everyone is of legal age, and has given their informed consent.
Who gives a shit how many people anyone is involved with? Ain't none of my damned business.

3

I think polyamory can work...but there is always the problem with someone feeling left out. There has to be enough to go around, as they say.

I am somewhat surprised to find that I do not necessarily need someone who only needs me. And I have been (more or less, if you take college out of the picture) monogamous my whole life.

However, if you're in a relationship, you have to be honest (well, I gues you can try not to be, but good luck with that). And the way life is structured, I think it's hard to maintain polyamory for extended periods of time. We are creatures of habit, and we like stable structure in our lives, and polyamory is inherently unstable.

Also, some guys have commitment issues. Just sayin'.

3

From a health/phylogloy stand point monogmous is the best. If you are into fantasies fulfillment then a Ménage à trois might be for you.

Is there a study behind your comment about monogamy being best? Just curious why you think that to be universal.

@Roadster Have seen several friends float around to different partners they always seem to be the most unhappy the ones that are true to one partner seem to have better optimistic views. Also observing nature the animals with the bigger brain power like birds seem to survive better in a mated relationship.

@azzow2 bonobos

2

I'm all for doing whatever makes you happy/comfortable. That said I am not very good at monogamy on many levels. I don't want to have children nor do I care to get married and so I see no reason to be with just one person. I don't like the possessiveness or ownership factor of being monogamous. What I mean is how people feel that you are theirs and since you are "in a relationship" you are restricted in what you can and cannot do (and with whom). I rebel in these sort of situations and while I have never cheated on a partner I have been very detached when I felt that I couldn't explore or express a side of myself (sexually, mentally, socially) because of my partner/relationship.

I'm also not very good at the widely accepted ideal of polyamory either because I find that I can receive/enjoy different versions of love and affection from different people. I don't wish to place any relationship type (friends, sex partners, bf/gf etc.) above or below any other. For me, they are pretty much all equal. I do not wish to share my space or all aspects of my life with another person either. I realize that even in polyamorous relationships moving in together and sharing space/life is still an important step. One I'm just not interested in since I value my personal space and happiness above( most) everything else.

2

In the past I believe most relationships were poly with men having more than one woman. But with the advent of Judeo/Christian religion in the west it changed.
I would like to be in a poly relationship but I find it hard to convince women.
A poly relationship also doesn't necessarily have to involve sex. It could just be a love relationship for more than one other person.

2

I'm pretty sure I'm a product of my upbringing. So Mono..

But I have no issue with people who want to do Poly - just don't involve me without my knowledge.

Also with Poly - every person you add is more work. I don't think most people can do that.

2

After two failed marriages I have changed my view in relationships. I feel that the connection is important. We have for years tried to keep our religious teachings (one man one woman) as a guide. This leads to staying in unwanted relationships and can ruin the connections we crave. If you are with someone and they have a better connection with someone else why would you want to be in the way of that? It sucks being on the end that is left, but restricting connections won’t dull the need for other connections. Having said all of this I am single. My wives left me and I currently feel the need to be alone. I do crave connection but don’t want the hassle of changing who I am to fit into someone else’s idea of what a relationship is. I’m quite positive that this has helped, not at all!

2

I think it's a personal choice. I think if you felt sick when he was with his other partner, polyamory is probably not for you. There ARE good and honorable people out there (monogamous and poly) just keep looking and working on you and you'll be ok.. Don't settle for something that makes you feel bad.

1

I think humanity needs to work on learning to be happy with themselves first and then letting other people decide what is best for themselves.

1

I am poly myself. I do not see it as progressive towards anything. I think and feel it is an inclination, an orientation. It chooses us and not vice versa. I would say it is not for everyone and would be in the minority on a spectrum of behavior. Jealousy varies from person to person and I would say comes from a fear of loss. It often makes for a self fullfiling prospect.

1

I definately have different people in my life who fill different needs, people here for interesting discussions. people I work with to complete community projects, ocassionally a friend to see a movie with, someone to go tp coffee with. Lots of gaps though.

1

It depends on the person(s) involved. I don't think either poly or mono is in itself good or bad.

1

Both parners need to feel and act the same. If you are both happy and secure with variety, then fine. If one of you needs the security or just plain prefers to be the one and only then it isn't going to work. For me, I want that one person---and I want him to just want and be content, fulfilled, and happy with me

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