Yeah, I totally know that good paying jobs are hard to come by. And I've had several new jobs so I know the beginnings are always tough.

I just kinda wasn't even expecting to get this job, so when I was offered a really great pay, I would have been stupid to turn it down. But at the same time, I had no idea I wasn't going to feel this way after taking it.

Thanks for the tip. I'll check that out. And I'll think about what exactly to say to my manager. He's a nice enough guy...but...Idk...kinda hard to read and while he comes by to check on us often, I am not sure how effective he actually is.

I don't want to "like" this, because you were planning suicide, but I totally understand that feeling.

I'm sorry it was so bad for you and yet I'm glad you understand what that is like. It's a terrible thing. I'm glad you are still here.

I'll quit before it gets that bad though.

my last job I was puking at work and didnt even have headaches. and crying. not worth it

@btroje oh wow. i'm sorry. I have felt nauseous a couple of times, but fortunately didn't throw up.

Oh, dear. I'm sorry that happened. As an aside, I worked in forensics and used to have to go testify in trials, and while that was stressful, the training program was very thorough. I left forensics after 5 years due to the stress, because I always wanted to vomit just before going to testify.

The training I'm getting is okay, but the new version of our SOP isn't even finished and I'm supposed to be learning from a copy that still has hand written notes all over it.

My lab is an organ transplant lab so we need to match organ recipients to organ donors. It's cool in concept....

I really want to be happy and feel I'm in a good place. Thanks for the input.

I don't know. I physically often don't feel well. Some days I'm actually dizzy in the middle of the day and that worries me.

I thought I'd be able to stay at least a year. But the way I am physically reacting to this job...I'm not so sure I'll stay past 3 months (about the time my first training block is over).

@Sciencemama have you had the basics like your blood pressure checked?

@Sciencemama and, do not forget fluid intake! Just recently I found out exactly what not enough fluid can do...let's just say i drink something on a regular basis, now!

@btroje I get to schedule a health checkup for free, so soon I'll get that checked out. and yes, I was definitely not getting enough water at least a couple of days.

@Freedompath Yes dehydration can be deadly, and it's unbelievable how quickly it can happen.

I am supposed to get a review at 1 month, 2 months and 3 months. I think anyway.

My colleagues seem nice but I am starting to hear about the parts of the job that stress them out. And they are all beat by the end of the week, don't really have much fun outside of work it seems. But they are young, too, and none of them have kids, so it's hard to compare what I'm going through with what they are. They only have themselves to worry about when they go home. I go home to my kids and all their needs.

The commute is the car to the train, the train.to the station, and a 1.5 mile walk. In order to get there on time and get a parking spot at the station I have to leave early. I get to the lab 45 minutes before my shift starts and I can't catch the earlier train on the way home because it comes 10 minutes after I clock out and the walk is 20 minutes.

I know all about immune disorders. I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis that was under control. I worry I'll have issues again.

@Sciencemama I am sure you do. sometimes we in the business blind ourselves to our own vulnerability I have. I am really feeling your post and hope the best for you

@btroje that, and the fact when you have kids, I want to do better by them, even if that meant putting my own health at risk. I thought I could handle it. I don't know for sure now.

I had such high hopes for this, but I also worried I might be in over my head.

I hope you can find happiness. Sometimes it’s not in a job.

@Tony80223 oh, i get that. unfortunately, this job makes me want to go home and dive in bed.

I gave up on typing out the notes and did housework instead.

The notes are legible enough but.not sequential. Whatever part I was asked to watch/follow along with and we didn't start at the beginning and my notes kind of jump around.

I have to be able to memorize all the steps at some point. Typing it out would help.

Oh, I totally will. And I'll ask more thorough questions next time so I know just how much is involved.

@Sciencemama And there is no better way to investigate what other positions available... you may be able to create connections in other departments and position yourself for a lateral move in the future... Opportunity!!!!

Hello back!

That's very valuable insight.

I had to stay late last night. Walked the 1.5 miles while getting pelted with tiny hail. But I missed the 615 train and had to take the 724 train home, increasing my chances of getting mugged. I spent some time in a nearby bookstore to stay safe and bought two books while I waited (a book of illustrations for my partner and a biography of Jack Kerouac for myself for super cheap).

I got home at 830 and after dinner I spent some time writing the procedure down for how to use the gel capture system. I asked my trainer yesterday if any of this stuff was written down and she said no. But she was wrong. There is a whole SOP on how to use the Biorad Imaging system and exactly how to save and export the files. I read it during week 1 (3 weeks ago) and forgot it existed.

I can access the SOPs from home, well all except the NGS version 2 that isn't finished yet. The only copy i have is the 78 page that is not numbered and clipped together. And yesterday the clip fell off and the pages fell to the floor.

I feel like this entire experience is much harder than it should be.

My employer is certainly not making it easy to learn this stuff.

And everything has to go so fast because there are so many steps....

@Sciencemama sorry you have such a crappy trainer!! Staying later after work is one of the things I had to accept when i went into the science altogether. It sounds like for you staying this late may be too dangerous. Obviously everyone can also benefit from better instruction management. In the long run, I always remember this: life is too short to do something that makes you miserable. Weigh all the pros and cons and see where you can compromise, and where you absolutely cannot. Walking away from something that makes you only miserable and doesn't reward you is not worth it

That's really interesting. I always wondered about that. You want a certain immune response but somtimes I have thought that too much of a response can be too much. It sounds like a delicate balancing act.

I am only beginning to learn the genetics behind immune responses myself.

@Sciencemama The balancing act is a nightmare, down here where we have such sun exposure that transplant patients on anti rejection meds such as tacrolimus are at an amazing risk from skin cancers. So looking at treatments such imiquimod for intraepithelial neoplasia and prophylactic nicotinamide to prevent/reduce incidence of carcinomas. Huge learning curve for me as I don't have a medical background. I suffer from pterygia had one removed last year, but am experimenting with tacrolimus drops in the other to at least reduce the severity. All good fun, not, but I learn faster than anyone I have ever met in my life so it keeps life interesting.

@Rugglesby I was wondering where you were so I looked at your profile. Yes, definitely Australia would be a high risk location. Living waay up north I don't get nearly enough sun at all. And now that I'm in the sub-basement of the hospital, I don't even get windows, which alone makes this kind of a shitty workplace environment. I'm at a higher risk from depression because I'm not getting any natural light coupled with being too flippin' emotionally sensitive in general.

You sound a lot like me, someone who researches the hell out of things trying to make for better outcomes. I wish you the very best of luck with that.

I just read that a few patients have already died even before they were able to get their transplants. I feel sad for them. Another reason why I'm not so sure I'm cut out for this job. We won't be able to help everyone that comes through our doors. They die before a match comes through.

@Sciencemama Surprisingly we seem to get enough organs, we almost never allow live doners, parent to child being the rare exception, and still rare. We do lose people through lack or a match, but not often. To be eligible to go on the short list here you have to be pretty certain of dying within the next 12 months and have a better than 80% chance of surviving beyond 5 years post transplant. I gets SAD, seasonal affective disorder. Lack of sunshine in winter causing a drop in seratonin. So I avoid office jobs, caused me lots of problems many years ago, never seeing daylight. Re the job, we all have losses, but if you get one win, one life saved or improved, that is more than many people achieve.

Yes, I've know people to say that. I think I have even said that myself. But I ALSO have said that anything anyone didn't feel up to the challenge for, they could give themselves some compassion and go easy on themselves.

There are some jobs you love that you will devote all your energies to and it never makes you feel miserable. You have that happy tired by the end of it.

This is not one of those jobs that gives me that feeling.

I was having terrible anxiety that would make my mind blank out at times and my hands shake. The last two days have been better.

I am getting the hang of some parts of this. And trying not to panic when I forget parts.

It's still too early to say I enjoy it. The daily headaches, nausea and anxiety make enjoying anything hard.

Oh, there is one super nice thing. Aleksander. He's one of the trainees hired in November.

He is so amazingly kind and he is a touchy-feely kind of person, so he will touch your shoulder to say goodbye and makes sure he actually comes to you to give you a personal goodbye.

Today, he told me to make sure I have some of the treats he brought and said he needs to make sure I gain 5 pounds during my training.

So, it helps a little.