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Why is my boyfriend silent during sex? Your thoughts?

The mind is the best sex organ. I get turned on by sexy talk and am uninhibited doing it. It's delicious and arousing. In contrast, my boyfriend is oddly quiet. He just moans.

"What do you want?" I asked during sex. "I don't know." "What feels good?" "It all feels good."

It's like shouting into a void. Today I sent him this article (below) to spur discussion. Of course, he immediately felt inadequate as a lover. I smoothed it over:

Dave,

I was afraid you would feel inadequate and criticized. I'm sorry you feel bad.

When confronted with a problem, I immediately see 10 different options. As a professional mediator, my training is to talk it over, to problem-solve.

With sex, I need to know what turns you on, what feels good. Sexy talk turns me on.

"It all feels good," you replied when I asked, both times we had sex. Groan. Specific answers give me ideas to play with during sex.

He replied:

"Actually it’s fine to talk. I like that sexy talk turns you on, I will go with that and see what happens."

We'll see how it goes.

[telegraph.co.uk]

LiterateHiker 9 Sep 29
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40 comments

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5

I like to eat during sex. Nothing too serious. A turkey club sandwich or a slice of chocolate cake. Sometimes I just snack on cashews or almonds. The problem is I can't get my girlfriend to eat also. I even offered to make her favorite sandwich, grilled cheese with sliced tomatoes and avocado, but she said no thanks. She doesn't mind my eating though. She just says she wasn't raised like that.
Any advice.

@Sierra4

Don't want crumbs in bed.

@LiterateHiker
Good point.

Crummy sex?

@BufftonBeotch
No one wants that😊

@linxminx
I feel your pain

1

It is not right to pressure/guilt people into sex things they are not comfortable in doing.

@BufftonBeotch

I'm considering dumping Dave.

@LiterateHiker Doesn't seem like a match.

But,new sex things can be introduced kindly and not expected.

@MsHoliday
I think some people just want sex, and I don't see anything wrong with that as long as they say so up front.

@MsHoliday
I did too, at first. But it occured to me that maybe my assumption is not as universal as it feels to me.

@LiterateHiker how long has this been going on ? Have you told him you need more talk?

1

I think men are afraid and with that are silent to be in a neutral position. One thing that I agree with is that he probably does not know what he wants and most likely has never experimented other than basic sex . He probably thinks he will upset you if he does say naughty things and about what he would like done to him and most likely has had no experience receiving either. He is afraid to ask or express his feelings
.
Maybe an ice breaker to get him to open up is make a list of all the sex acts and make it a very broad range and put a tick besides all the ones you have tried or interested in or ones that really turn you on Plus the hard limits No ones also. Then have him read it, You will probably get some funny looks and then tell him to do the same and that there will be no judgement one way or another and see what happen.

,Ones he reads the list more than likely he is going to feel a lot more comfortable about what you like or want to try. Now he knows his thoughts are ok to express also and see where it goes

@RoyMillar

What a run-on paragraph! It's hard to read.

Embrace periods and paragraph breaks, please.

Speaking only for myself: the first time I have sex with a woman, it's a solemn occasion. It has always been a mystery to me, how I've found myself in that position. Why, of the dozens and dozens of women I meet, why does one suddenly find me acceptable?

If I speak at all I'll probably just babble, so I keep quiet. As if I'm out in nature, listening to take it all in.

Re Done,Sorry

@RoyMillar

Thank you.

@LiterateHiker ?? Does my reply make sense

3

you need to have sex a bunch of times, thats the best way to figure out what he likes

@MarkiusMahamius

Good point.

Or he can tell her. Most of us women aren't into figuring out puzzles during sex. It can be a mood killer.

@Deb57 ok, i don't want to have a relationship with a sex toy of my choosing, so i guess we have different criteria

@MarkiusMahamius I have no idea how you got any reference to sex toys out of my comment, but the point I was trying to make is that communication is key. It can be a mood killer having to try to read a person's mind during sex when they could just be considerate enough to say "I like this, but I like that even more." And sex toys can add a lot of enhancement to playtime, by the way.

1

If he’s anything like me, he may take a while to warm up to someone new. I’m a dirty girl, but for only ONE man, and a man I’m very connected to and in tune with. Until we get to that level of comfort, he’s not going to be getting sexy talk or porn sex from me.

Your partner may need time to build a connection. Unfortunately, showing him that article is likely to backfire and push him further away rather than draw him in.

At the risk of sounding blunt, this post feels you could be a self-absorbed lover, focusing not even on your needs, but on your wants. Try to go easy on the poor man so early in your relationship ... you don’t want to shatter his confidence in the bedroom.

@Apunzelle

It's fine to ask for what you need.

@LiterateHiker I didn’t say it wasn’t. I said A) showing him the article so early in your relationship was a bit much and B) you were seeking to fulfill a want, not a need. Again, that’s fine ... just give the man some breathing room and give him time to get to know you.

@Apunzelle

Yes, there is a difference between needs and wants.

So far, I have been the only one to initiate sex. What's that about?

"What do you want to do?" he asked. I walked up the stairs, thinking of ways to say it. Stood in front of him and replied, "Sex." He was thrilled.

I like your response. As a man, I approve your thoughts. Thank you for stating it so well.

4

Maybe it does all feel good and he doesn’t have a the experience or imagination to suggest more. You might try reading erotica or watching porn and talking about what seems interesting, or not.

UUNJ Level 8 Sep 29, 2019

No one screams louder and longer than a porn star. At least no one I knew. πŸ˜’

@Castlepaloma Depends on the porn. If you’re willing to pay for it, ethical porn features more realistic sex. And, some people really are that vocal during sex. [bustle.com]

I"m taking a cold shower now.

6

It may have absolutely NOTHING to do with you... Did he grow up in a home with thin walls, where every word/breath could be heard by others? He may have trained himself to be super-quiet rather than deal with the questions or comments of others. Enough years of that and making noise/sounds/talking would be "trained" out of him.
(the same if he was brought up in a home where there was any kind of abuse for making too much noise)

@Kirahere

Thank you for your kind, insightful and well-written reply.

Dave's father was physically and emotionally abusive, a violent drunk.

6

sexy talk is a fine art, it is a seduction and not many men or women understand this skill. we are not born with it. I think if it turns us on we teach ourselves, but for him he is perfectly satisfied. If i were your man and i read your letter (aside from the great thing that you are asking what you want) i would feel inadequate and pressured. In my last serious relationship to the man i thought I was going to marry, after 3 years in the relationship he started to talk to me about what he wanted in bed. Before that whenever i asked him he would clam up. Now he is finally asking for what he wants. Great, but... so what he wanted was for me to orgasm during intercourse. Well I cant, or I never have and I told him this very early on so he wouldnt think it was something he did wrong. I explained in extreme detail how everything feels and what part feels good and how im very satisfied with all of it. He was still unsatisfied and i think that was the beginning of the end for him. Thats what he wanted and I couldnt do it it. I just can't do it on demand. Maybe someday i can do it with someone who brings that out in me, but i certainly can't just force it to happen. I didnt like feeling the pressure. I didnt feel inadequate but instead i felt like he wasnt giving ME what i wanted, which was the space to travel that road. Now everytime we would have sex i would feel pressured. Maybe your man doesnt worry too much and will definitely give it a try and you both can find new heights, but this is my opinion. Yes ask for what you want, but never ever call it a "problem". If you want to seduce, you have to inspire, not demand.

To me the seduction happens before you get into bed. I have never thought that was difficult. Flirting was always easy for me. What I don't want is a bunch of chatter once we are there.

Excellent response. Understanding a partners capabilities, desires - takes a willingness to go that distance. It's an unselfish thing to seek understanding. I think you did your best. I think he could have tried to understand more...

4

Do you talk during movies too? Asking for a friend.

skado Level 9 Sep 30, 2019

@skado

I never talk during movies. It's rude and disrespectful.

@LiterateHiker
Oh, good! πŸ˜„

2

I expect people to be very different in this regard. Some people come from very reserved or repressed backgrounds, so both by nature and nurture may not be very verbal in this context. Communicating about it is helpful, but to be honest I don't think role playing should be a goal in the context of sex, but rather, allowing each other to really be themselves.

This is particularly true of men, who have generally been taught that their feelings are both unimportant and scary things, and who feel particularly vulnerable during and around sex.

I have to say that when I have loosened up a bit in this area my partners have not been very receptive, so consider the possibility that you're more uninhibited and desirous of this sort of talk than many men have experience with -- and their operant conditioning via other women may not be to your liking. Be patient and take it slow; if he's capable of accommodating you he'll come around. At least when it comes to sex, there's lots of motivation to take risks when given explicit permission to do so.

@mordant

Thank you for your thoughtful and well-written reply.

I wonder if he's repressed by his upbringing or critical ex-wife.

0

I'm not very vocal during sex but I do talk. I don't need anything like the movies provide for us as it is disrespectful and crude.

@DenoPenno

I have never watched online porn. I read about how it sexually objectives women.

5

Reminds me of an Al Pacino/Michelle Pfeiffer movie, "Frankie and Johnny".
He was quiet during sex and his partner asked "why?"
He explained that when he was in prison, it was wiser to be silent during
masturbation.

i love that movie!

9

have you tried a puppet show?

"Show me on the doll where you'd like to be violated"

1

My wife and I are silent during sex. We have been married for 47 years. I like to fantasize during sex which I believe is fairly common.

Many men fantasize about other women.

Whatever works.

7

Silence isn't necessary a problem. Some people like to concentrate on the sensations they're receiving when having sex.

The time to talk about preferences is before the act. If they're into sexy talk, then talk. If they aren't into it, leave them alone or find another partner.

Agreed. "Focusing on Sensations" - can be very, very sensual, very erotic. Some men speak with their hands... and other parts of their body... "Body language" can be quite provocative...

6

Take the nipple out of his mouth.

2

Sex is a very vulnerable experience and he may be uncomfortable with allowing himself to be even more vulnerable with you.

Especially after having only two sexual encounters. The whole sexual experience here seems rather "new" to me. Good things take time... sometimes...

4

I like to know the man is enjoying himself. I PREFER a little talk like, "that feels good" " goddamn" "fuck."

However, my best lover was pretty quiet. He did gasp the first time he saw my boobs. He did tell me that in order for him to cum from a blow job I would have to use my hand also.

However... in the middle of everything... pretty quiet.

i love talking and making of noise and breathing heavyy etc. its very spontanious but i do like to use every sense and anything that makes it better and hornier. even saying this to you makes me horney xx

3

i just laughed when picturing myself trying to be very vocal while eating pussy, mumble mumble mumble.

Lol

2

Beats me I get vocal maybe not loudly

bobwjr Level 10 Sep 29, 2019
5

Once had a beautiful girlfriend made no noise during sex. Her former husband was an under taker for 25 years.

4

I like quiet. After you have sex with someone multiple times it just sounds contrived. I don't want to have to think of things to say, I want my brain to enjoy what is happening. I don't like music going on either. As a musician my brain will wander to the music. I don't care for phone sex either. It is fun once or twice, but after that you have to think of new stuff to say, and that creates pressure and takes away from relaxing and enjoying what is going on.

1

He may feel awkward about it for a variety of reasons. Until the right partner came along (pun intended) I was pretty quiet too. It always felt contrived.

It's good that you brought it up and he's willing to talk about it. Maybe ask him sexy time questions that require a specific answer to get him going.

1

That article is a lot to digest. I can see where he would feel bad. May take some work on your part to help him feel.good about this part of your relationship and that you only want to make it even better.

4

I stay pretty silent unless something is going really wrong or really right. Talking requires a part of my brain that is best left alone during sex. It's better for everyone involved.

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