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Does online dating actually result in long term happy relationships? What is your personal experience? Iโ€™m just finding it horrible for my self esteem.

BookishAngel 4 Mar 23

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0

You only get those things written on your birth guarantee. What? You didn't get a birth guarantee? Well, then nothing is guaranteed.

One of the greatest of life's lessons is that there is no certain way to get or accomplish anything. That life is what we make of it and how we respond to the randomness of the whole process. That self esteem is an internal process that can be coopted by external events only if we allow it to happen. That much of what we think of ourselves and about our world was generated in us before we were old enough to form strong, independent thoughts of our own.

Time now to cut that cord, open the cage door, stretch out the wings and fly away. Anything less gives up your power to the before world.

29

Many years ago I had an online dating experience, which, I am happy to say that never resulted in an acutal meeting. After chatting online with a woman for three consecutive days, she typed in the window: "I've got very expensive tastes." I replied: "I'm delighted to learn about your very expensive tastes, I hope you can afford them." Needless to say that was the end of communication with her.

This made me laugh. Very good response! ๐Ÿ™‚

Translation : I'm high maintenance, and I expect you to buy me lots of stuff, without getting any sex ...

Great response!

Hurray! If only all men responded as you did!
Truly a movie-star moment!

22

Two and a half years ago I was on Facebook and I said something that was obviously brilliant... LOL no but somebody from India messaged me and asked if I wanted to be friends. After about half a year we ended up entering into a relationship officially even though we knew the odds were not good. We recently broke up but we still care very much about each other and if there was any way possible to make it work, we would have. However before that I tried online dating for about 10 years and like you I found that it did diminish my self confidence and it was very depressing and people lied and there are so many people out there who aren't even single or they are just looking for a Band-Aid solution before they go back to their EX... It is definitely very difficult and I am gay which makes it about a hundred times more difficult. I'm also a single parent, and non-religious but living in the south so dating for me is a shit show. Honestly being single again, completely, is terrifying and I really don't anticipate ever dating anyone again but I think you just have to put yourself out there and let life take you for a ride because whether you believe in fate or happenstance, we really don't have a whole lot of control over who falls in love with us. We only have control over the choices we make. I choose to be happy even though I have slept alone for three years

Yep, but post some dumb-shit stuff and you will get 100s of "likes" and reposts.

6

I'm currently going through a divorce and signed up to some of the 'dating sites' to see what's out there for newly singles. Far from a veteran though and looking past my personal turn-offs(religious, heavy smokers, dumb,etc.) and no dates yet, it seems that the ones I find attractive don't feel the same, and vica versa. I've gotten a dozen hellos that are simply "Hey there๐Ÿ™‚", is that a required greeting or what? Heh. Anyway I'm still dabbling in it and avoiding the Jesus freaks, scammers and grifters. Note; Amazing the number of women with no pic of themselves, or a pic of their dog. Anyhoo, a newbies take, so far..

Females get a โ€œflirtโ€ button and it sends a โ€œHey Thereโ€ Winky face if they want to flirt with you to get your attention.

5

How is being rejected in real life any different from being rejected online, exactly? Statistics say, you will kiss 80 or more frogs before one turns into a prince, and online just widens the pond.

  1. Learn to read profiles like you would read real estate ads ("convenient"= next to a Walmart, "willing to relocate" = homeless).
  2. Learn which questions You need answered, and get those answers first.
  3. "Talk" long enough safely thru the site and keep your radar on 'high'!......the crazy ones cannot keep it together very long, out-of-place smarmy remarks are Not romantic, etc. etc.

I am not homeless-own my own home. I am willing to relocate and I have people to watch my house while I travel at will.

Can't agree with the "homeless" comment. There are lots of reasons that people are willing to relocate. For instance, I don't like where I live and I can run my business from anywhere, so why wouldn't I be willing to relocate for the right person?

One can also narrow the field before playing it. The first I look for is religion, Then interests (no hunting/fishing), shopping is also a no go. Actually, my field is so narrow I will probably develop frog warts before finding a princess.

@sassygirl3869 The home comment just came up for me with a realization of a 4th item I require (emotional, mental, physical and fiscal compatibility). I own my own home and am financially very secure. However, 1/2 half of the home belonged to my late partner. She wanted her share to go to Domestic Violence awareness, Planned Parenthood and the Humanist and I am determined to honor her wishes. My 1/2 half goes to similar organizations. For a relationship, my late partners share would have to be bought and given to her beneficiaries. When I die all my income (bar a small amount + some military benefits) will be gone and my money will be donated. That means the other person would have to be self-sufficient. Fiscally independent is a very important part of a relationship especially when one has retired.

@sassygirl3869 "relocating" for an extended visit is Not the same as squatting...do you realize that once you let a person establish residence the entire law is on Their side vs. Eviction?

Completely agree here - you have to realize that the vast majority of people are not a good fit. And give enough time within-line conversation to let him reveal if heโ€™s a jerk (6-10 messages exchanged usually does it) but donโ€™t delay meeting too long (more than a couple of weeks) so you know if thereโ€™s potential for chemistry.
Also, I totally get that you were giving s silly example with โ€œWilling to relocate.โ€

5

I have 2 friends who met their spouses online. One has been together for 16 years, but Iโ€™m not sure what online forum they met in. The other has been married for 3 years, and they met through OKCupid.

Personally, it has been a disaster. I donโ€™t mean that as hyperbole either (7 months later and Iโ€™m still not fully recovered). Iโ€™m not doing it anymore.

miffy Level 5 Mar 23, 2018

The last online dating experience that I had was so inherently terrifying that I won't do it anymore either. I felt very uneasy that a man who was as emotionally unstable as he was knew where I lived. We only had three dates together and seemed completely normal until he just went off the deep end.

This can happen to guys, too. Nothing terrifying happened to me (sorry to hear that happened to you both) but the game playing, the outright lies, etc. It's definitely not for me. Do not miss it at all.

@Kojaksmom I get it, yes. I had a single date with one guy and realized very quickly that he was extremely controlling. He made suggestive comments about what we might do together, and I said, "Never on the first date!" while thinking to myself, "Never with you!" Unfortunately, he manipulated things that I hadn't realized, and without realizing it until we were there, I ended up alone with him. Tried to leave, but couldn't. Told him no, and it didn't matter.
I'm grateful that he doesn't know my last name. He only lives 8 minutes from my place, so I do my best to avoid anywhere where he might be. I've been terrified that he might have taken down the tag numbers on my car, and could track me that way, but it's been 8 months now, and I haven't heard anything that way. Thank goodness I used a Google Voice number to communicate with him. He did try to get through to me, and even used another number, but I was able to block him.

@miffy sorry to hear about your experience. I really do believe that there are people on dating sites that really make an effort to just either torment or terrorize those that they go out with it. I do believe that it's a satisfying game for some really f***** up people

5

I found it to be a very disappointing experience for the most part. I have met a few people but most of them just wanted hookups and were married or broken in some way.

5

I can't give first hand positive experience information, but I know of two married couples who met through online dating sites.

My experiences have been, mixed.

4

In the Jurassic age of online dating, before the existence of any dating site, back when AOL was King of the Internet and Earthlink was still an up and comer, you could chat online either 1:1 or in "rooms." I met my now ex in such a room. She was smart, witty, and had a sarcastic sense of humor, just like me (well, the sarcasm anyway). We soon moved to 1:1 chat and after about 4 weeks of chatting and talking on the phone, we had our first F2F dinner date and were pretty inseparable after that. We eventually married and were together for close to 20 years. So it's absolutely possible, although online dating should be better since it's now focused and organized. "Back in the day," you just met someone and got to know them. Now you have all kinds of data to help you filter out those you might be incompatible with. Does that work? Sometimes. Anyway, you're now in a pretty nice environment for getting to know people in a friendly climate. Have fun.

4

For me Yes, Iโ€™ve been with my man since May 2014, had to go thru a lot of crappy dates and conversations to find him.....

4

Almost 4 years on and I am still convinced She is the best thing that ever happened to me. I did not meet Her through commercial dating sites. Those places are scams as far as I can tell. Get in online groups that encourage or allow dating, something you are interested in or passionate about. If you create a FB group, they will come. If you run it yourself you can keep out the wearisome dregs. Be as open and honest about who you are and what you want out of life, relationships, everything. It is not an instant process. I wish you the best! ๐Ÿ˜‰

I know several people who met on Facebook. Iโ€™ve wondered how anyone meets on Facebook.

@BookishAngel Interest groups. various kinds. I met my lady in a multi-state polyamory group, But I just as well may have met Her or someone else in Godless Mingle, A Facebook group, that is still operating i would assume. If you are bookish as you say, start or find a reading group or literature group in your area, state at least.

4

If the opinion of others affects your feeling of self worth you are listening to the wrong people.

4

Destroy your id and they can help.
Your long range happiness is now to be achieved through a series of encounters lasting anywhere from 10 minutes to a couple months, separated by ego-smashing, often inane messages between people you don't know at all. And smile.

4

I know one couple who met online and married, most are really bad matches. Either one lied to the other or they didn't take the time to become aquainted.

@irascible Online dating is not required for lousy marriages. People have managed that just fine without the assistance of Information Technology.

4

I met my ex online..almost as soon as I posted my profile, his answer came back, answering all my picky requirements, from having a masters degree to having lived abroad. We eventually divorced but had fun while it lasted.

3

After being single a while, a friend and I were tired of hearing "you should try online dating" - particularly from my mother - so we figured we'd give it a shot, if only to shut everyone up. It was interesting and (spoiler alert) neither of us ended up with a mate. But at least we can say we tried.

Part of my disappointment was that a lot of men in the area were not very original with their "love my dog, my god and my gun" thing. The dog part was nice. While I appreciate the number of god-fearing men who were willing to sacrifice their religion in order to service me, I already have that covered. It was demoralizing, though, to have new faces every morning, many of whom feel compelled to state your flaws. But eventually I ended up here, so I consider that a success story!

Funny side note: my friend had been gracefully deflecting her boss' interest in her for a good number of months, but woke up one morning to find out a dating site had matched them up. She was moritified. Her membership expired on March 17th and she won't be renewing. ๐Ÿ™‚

That's funny. There is a woman with whom I conversed. She said her brother was also on the same dating site (they had different last names) and they were a 90% match!

That's almost scary, @JackPedigo. I guess if they aren't biological siblings ... kidding!

Our thought was my friend was being matched up with her boss pretty much solely on their geographic location.

@Lauren The woman is divorced but still has her husband's name.

well love is somewhat of a crapshoot. Strangely enough you can't plan for it. Certainly what looks good on paper isn't going to tell you much about chemistry. Its not like buying a new car or shopping for house etc. It involves mother nature to a great extent. Relationships can start in the strangest ways. The ones that started in high school rarely lasted. I remember when the movie love story came out. Never having to say your story etc It was the kind of relationship that most people wanted to have. emotionally connected but kind of independent at the same time. That emotional connection part is the part that creates self doubt, anxiety, sense of loss , and so on. I have felt it and I am sure most others have felt it.

3

Online dating ranged from ok to horrible for me. I stopped a year ago. It's a shame that something that makes so much sense on the surface of it is such an overall fail.

3

Me too!! The throw them on the wall and see what sticks theory of finding dates is just not working out for me! I'm like you, I'm beginning to think that it's me who's fatally flawed.

3

Your self esteem should never rest on the opinion of others. You are your own person. Be true to yourself. Online dating? Dating is an interview, not a personal affirmation via others.

3

I meet someone online and we was in a relationship like for 5 years.

2

It's like any other social group. There's nice people , as couple jerks the more you talk to the more likely you'll find what you're looking for. Don't let a couple people stop you from trying it just means they weren't the one. You are the one you just need to find your other one. Until then just enjoy the community this group is growing everyday.

2

I just spotted these and they fit perfectly.

2

Does ANY way of meeting people automatically result in long term happy relationships ? No. But any way can - given the right combination of minds, the patience to seek, and the knowhow for give and take once you find a compatible human.

But if online is not leaving you feeling good - perhaps it's not for you.

P.S. - I've had two very satisfying long term relationships with folks I met online, and know of plenty others... can work.

Like everything in life it's a gamble; some win and others do not.

@JackPedigo and of course "winning" is one of those terms that means different things to different people ... I think most of us win sometimes - though not always in love.

2

Last year I started meeting guys from traditional dating sites. They were not liberal like me except for one political activist. We went on two dates but he was so busy legislating he had no time for me. The others were into dating not developing long term relationship. I have cancelled all those since finding Agnostic.com. I have had messaging and phone calls with people from all over. I recently met a fellow member on the west coast and made a new friend. Talking to other members who know I will travel and even re locate. Still a work in progress.

For many on this site relocation is THE biggest problem. Some are willing and some (as I - I have found the perfect place) are not. There is also an idea of shared locations if they are not too far apart. That can satisfy bot for one's need for companionship and alone time.

2

Online dating is a crapshoot. You can meet some nice people, you can meet some jerks. The most important thing for me, whenever I felt the desire to place an ad, was to be totally upfront with the type of person I was looking for, and I listed qualities that primarily had to do with personal integrity and not about looks or stats. Wouldn't get a whole lot of hits, if anything, and even after that I'd have to weed out a lot of people where it felt like they didn't even read my ad. It could get discouraging, but I could only do it when I had no expectations, this way I could just deal with whatever responses showed up.

2

I've had several relationships develop as a result of dating sites. Since I just started the online thing a couple of years ago, I can't speak to anything long-term, but there is much happiness in my life with these people.

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