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Sexual Compatibility

How important is sexual compatibility? I have had two relationships that I have not had this. I never realized how many men have performance issues (anxiety, decreased libido, difficulty maintaining an erection, etc). I have had deep companionship’s with both of these people. Very difficult conversations and very emotional on both sides. I try to understand but ultimately I feel like I need the sexual compatibility. Thoughts?

Happyone 5 Mar 29

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To clarify from some of the comments. After I divorced I swore I would never lose passion in a relationship. It’s not that I’m not understanding or not willing to work through issues but I have realized that I think this is important for a true lasting relationship.


Were you compatible at the beginning of the relationship? In other words, did the decreased libido and difficulty maintaining an erection start happening after the "honeymoon" period, when the novelty started to wane? If so, I recommend reading up on the Coolidge Effect.

Dopamine is at the heart of human sexual motivation. Following each ejaculation with the same female, the reward circuitry tends to release less and less dopamine. As levels of dopamine decrease, the time it takes to ejaculate with the same female increases. But when it comes to sex with novel partners, there are generally no issues with getting and maintaining an erection and dopamine is released more quickly. The anxiety may be due to a lack of understanding of this biological phenomena. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's a permanent issue.


I definitely read on this. There was never a “honeymoon period”. Just a lot of emotional attachment in the beginning and almost seemed like sexual avoidance but there was definite attraction on both sides. There were doctor visits. Both areas to try meds.

@Happyone Maybe you were just meant to be friends....IDK! Just throwing it out there


Sexual compatibility is really important. If you have to hide or deny your impulses to make it work with someone, it never will. Be open, be yourself, be positive. Perceive and achieve I always say.

You are a very smart man, James!


To me it is very important, right up there with shared values. Much more important than sharing hobbies and interests. If my partner doesn't like hiking, I can go hiking with friends, if my partner does not want the same kind or quantity of sex as me I can't go having sex with friends. (at least not for those who want monogamous relationships) A very important thing is to be able to talk with your partner about sex and what each other want/need and how you can or cannot meet each other’s needs and desires. It’s great if the two of you just “magically” have perfect harmony in your sexual desires, but far more likely there will be differences and you have to be able to understand each other. You have to understand the obstacles your partner might face to wanting or having sex. Lack of sexual interest is often a symptom of other problems in the relationship.


Sex is only one component of overall compatibility. When everything else is great, the sex can and should be amazing, however, sex seldom makes everything else great. It all comes down to what's most important for each couple.



I think it's very important for the two of you to at least be on the same page. No one should live a life of frustration. I was married 35 years and the first 6 or 7 were great. Then she got to the point, she didn't like being touched . It got to the point that we were having sex about once a month and might even get skipped a month here and there. About that time, I thought about looking for a girlfriend just for sex. I thought about it but never did. We finally told our doctor about it. Her hormones were out of whack and he prescribed her some pills. About a week later, I thought she was going to kill me. She couldn't get enough and she had already weened me down to where I was almost shut down. After a couple weeks she settled down and from then to about a month before she passed, we had an appointment twice a week that we both always looked forward to. It actually does get better all the time when all is working right. Twice a week was just the right amount to be in good shape to get full enjoyment next time. Any longer time and it can be over too fast and any shorter, you might have to put too much work into it to enjoy it right. I know it always worked great for us. It's easy to look forward to when it's always good for both of you. Proper timing like this helps keep it alway getting better. If it don't work out once in a while, it's natural. All it takes is thinking about the wrong thing at the wrong time and a guy can be done. If I think for a second that my partner isn't enjoying herself, it's done. I've not been with any other women but sex with the wife was always good but anything breaking the mood was usually instant doomsday. When we were younger and first married,we would be playing and the phone would ring. We wouldn't answer it but then, there would come my mom's voice leaving a message. Good thing I was younger then. That would be harder to recover from these days. It's not normal, I don't think, to not enjoy sex. If you aren't, ask your doctor and he might be able to help . It turned my wife into a new woman and kept us both very happy. I would have been divorced many years ago had she not got help. She was a much nicer person when she was haveing good sex too. Good for the cardiovascular system too. If you are not interested in ever having sex, you should be with someone that is the same way. So the main thing is that the two of you are in sync.


My ex-wife came to look on sex as an obligation... something she was doing to please me, not because she enjoyed it. Worse than that was the fact that she had no need for physical intimacy of any kind beyond a ritual goodnight kiss. So needless to say, I think having a mutual desire is something that's one hundred percent neccesary.
I realize everyone is different, in my case I get energy from my partner, so if I know I'm wanted that just feeds my libido and it's a continuous thing. That's how I define "compatible" with me- someone with equal or near-equal desire and who enjoys physical closeness, whether that means sex or just touch and showing affection physically.


Very. And if their sex drive couldn't keep up with mine, or their sexual interests didn't scratch my itches, then it would need to be a sexually open relationship, where I could have my needs met elsewhere.

I spent over 15 years in a relationship. For at least 10 of them, sex was something that my partner demanded happen roughly the 3 or 4 times a year that they felt horny, but wasn't permitted outside of those times.

No matter how much affection I have for someone, I won't let that stand in the way of my sexual needs being met, in future. Life's too short. The freedom to find sex with a consenting adult should be considered a basic human need and right.


I think it is important... Emotional and intellectual intimacy are awesome but pure physical attraction is essential for the trifecta.


Some of you may have heard this before : Sex is like air. When it's there, and you're breathing in and out, you don't think about it. But if it's not there, (or not satisfactory to you) , it becomes a major issue very quickly !

Perhaps I've been spoiled thus far. But if me and any prosepctive partner are not compatible sexually, it may eat away at the other good stuff. Sex is simply too pleasurable !


I won't accept any thing less ever again. I've dumped at least two guys that were bad in bed just for that reason. I figure by the time you're 50 you really, really should have some idea of how to give a woman an orgasm.

I'd always wished I had experimented more, but was from a conservative family. I knew nothing until I broke away from my husband...I had never had an orgasm and he didn't know how to deliver one. You can't teach them, so I've learned. Age has nothing to do with it. Some men are artists at sensuality! You will find him!


I think you just inadvertantly made a case for "open relationships".

My experience is that it is much easier to find sexully compatible persons than it is to find someoen who is compatible in a way tht I coudl stand liming with them day after day.

I know a coupel who have had sex with each other for years, but they are compatible in virtually every other way. Both are aware that they both satisfy their sexual needs outside the relationship. I woudl nto choose tht for myself, but it works for them and they are happy.

Sometimes, the "ideal" of compatibility in all areas just doesn't happen and peopel seek alternativbes which work for them.

For myself, I have chosen to remain single unless I find full compatibility with someone.. although at soem point, I may choose differently.


For me, VERY important, with that said, I am 52, 20+ surgeries, so sex doesn't have to be all the time, like when I was younger, but when we make love, yes I like quality.


I would say it’s very important. For me anyways....I think some people don’t necessarily need it but I need and crave that physical connection.


I suppose it depends on who has the higher libido. For me, sexual compatibility is really important. It's part of how I communicate. Sometimes I mess up ordinary conversations and I'm not as emotionally saavy as my partner would like but the physical communication makes up for it.

Also, there's plenty of sex toys out there that can help if you like the person you are with otherwise, that you can use together that still help you get your needs met. It can be a really sweet way of getting close to your partner, too. Of course you both need to be open and not feel shame about using them (because there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of).


It’s critical.


I think it's understandable. We all have physical needs and if they're not met, it can be disappointing. That can cause friction in other areas, especially if the people can't talk about it openly. I think these problems are more prevalent than we want to admit. Each person's ability to handle it, and each situation is different. If you're wondering if you're wrong for feeling like it's a very important part of your happiness, no I don't think you're wrong at all.


Be patient with them , perhaps it's just stress!


For things to work well, sex needs to be of equal importance to both partners. For some, that means now and then. For others, it means often. The intensity needs to be largely aligned, too. Is sex a tender, lights off deal or anytime, any place, any way experiment fest?

Fortunately, my partners have aligned well with me. A few did not. I was taken aback by how angry that made me. I'll hold out for compatability from here on.

Zster Level 8 Mar 30, 2018

It's wonderful to have intimacy in ones life. I like some kink in my sex life, kind of keeps it fun.


You have not mentioned what efforts were made to remedy their issues with medication. I'm assuming you were fair to them by at least talking about using meds. If they turned that down then I think you did all you should have.

Talked extensively about meds or alternative natural remedies but neither followed through. I feel so selfish not being able to look beyond but when I got divorced I swore I would never lose passion.

@Happyone The physical part is as important as the cerebral part to me as well. No problems in that area currently. I plan to keep that going as long as i can then if need be I'll do whatever is medically necessary to be sexually active till my last breath. Lol


Be careful what you wish for.
I didn't hit my prime until 40. married to young to a starfish.
Next relationship was great while it lasted, the girl believed she must have been a nympho maniac as no guy could keep up with her. It was awesome.
Sadly, ladies my age now say they have other interests, sex is only ocassional at best, they just are not that interested. I know medication is part of the reason for some. I coudl not go into a relationship with someone who was not compatible in this regards. Though if the relationship was good in other ways, I would no doubt stay if things fell apart n bed. I get offers from younger ladies who voice complaints such as yours, but I am age conscious and prefer someone within about 5 years of my age, either way.
I will expand that for a very active older lady, or a very intelligent younger one, but not my much.


I have no interest in being a "bride of christ" to a mortal man. You can be BFFs but for a one on one romantic relationship to work there has to be sexual compatability otherwise there is frustration, resentment, one party feeling pressured and things going to shit. If neither of you are interested in sex that's fine but if one is and the other can't come to the party there's a problem, either you ditch the one on one part or you ditch the relationship or change its nature.

Warning as you get older it gets worse, they talk the talk but in many cases they can't walk the walk.

Kimba Level 7 Mar 30, 2018

You are saying "sexual compatibility" but you are describing unsatisfactory (to you) performance. If your partner is unable to satisfy you via intercourse, but is willing and able to do so in other ways, wouldn't that work? Maybe a clearer definition of what you feel compatibility is would be helpful. =]

One was stuck in the old mantra of sex is for them mainly even though they said otherwise. I would have been willing to give that an option and suggested it. Really makes a women feel unwanted. That was difficult. But yes I was willing to take that route and has a lot of talks about how the desire was there for him but I think fear of performance always won out so no one won.

@Happyone Well, selfish sex ain't a good thing. If partners aren't concerned about the pleasure of the other something needs to change. I feel that's a key to healthy passion: taking care of your partner. Naturally, there has to be physical attraction.


For me, if any romantic relationship has any chance of working, sexual compatibility is vital.
Without it, what the hell is the point? You're just friends.

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