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LINK Why men are lonelier in America than elsewhere | The Economist

Marrying later, working harder and being better parents have diminished male friendships

Are isolated men driving American women up the wall? A recent sketch on “Saturday Night Live”, which refers to studies concluding that males in America are increasingly friendless, suggests that they are. A young woman, frustrated by her boyfriend’s inability to open up to anyone else, takes him by the hand and leads him to a “man park” (like the version) where, after a shy start, he finds fellow males to make friends with. Some viewers disliked the likening of men to dogs, but the sketch, which went viral online, illustrates fresh concerns about an worry: the loneliness of American men.

As people in rich countries work longer hours, marry later and spend more time with their children, not friends, research suggests loneliness is increasing. A study by the University of Pennsylvania found a direct link between social-media usage and loneliness. More time spent online means less time building friendships.

The problem may be particularly severe in America. A large international study by British academics found that people in individualistic countries (a measure on which America scores highest) reported greater loneliness. America also has one of the highest divorce rates; men may be more likely to lose mutual friends after a split. A strong work ethic and geographical mobility (meaning friendships are liable to be lost or weakened as people relocate) is likely to exacerbate the problem.

A survey published in 2021 by the Survey Centre on American Life, part of the American Enterprise Institute, a think-tank, found that friendship groups have shrunk in the past three decades. The decline has been particularly marked among men. In 1990, 55% of American men reported having at least six close friends; today only 27% do. The survey found that % of men have no close friendships at all, a fivefold increase since 1990.

Those who study male loneliness believe that a particularly American version of masculinity is in part to blame. Since 1990 Robert Garfield, a psychotherapist and author of “Breaking the Male Code”, has run “friendship labs”, men’s therapeutic groups, which have shown him that men crave emotional connection. But American boys, says Dr Garfield, who has also run such groups in Europe, are often taught that successful men exhibit particular traits—restraint, independence, competitiveness—at the expense of others.

As women’s and lgbt rights have advanced in recent decades, along with more emotional ways of connecting with others, “men are being asked to stretch themselves”, Dr Garfield says. Over time, this is likely to have a positive effect on the way men relate to each other, but at the moment, “males are in a fighting phase”.

Marc Schapiro, a 24-year-old English teacher from Maryland, agrees. He says he was taught male friendship is “stoic and lacking outward affection”. But now he sees a different portrayal of friendship on social media, particularly by women and lgbt people. He would love, he says, to be able to “show more affection and drop the constant snide comments and ribbing”, but he finds the disconnect between what he grew up believing about friendship and how he sees other people relating to each other unsettling. The “quasi-socialising” he and his friends do online, via games and various message boards, meets no real need, he adds.

All this comes at a heavy cost. Suicide is more common among young men than young women. Niobe Way, a psychologist at New York University who studies adolescent male friendship and is the author of “Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection”, says it is no coincidence this divergence begins to happen around the age that many boys move away from close friendships. In childhood, she says, boys tend to be as open as girls about their need for friends. As they get older, they “feel they have to get into a gender straitjacket” and define their masculinity primarily as not being feminine. By the age of , many boys start saying they don’t need friends and worrying that close friendships will make them seem “girly”. This “clash of culture and nature”, Dr Way says, is much more marked among white boys than black ones.

The effects are far-reaching. Research has linked loneliness to poor health. It can make men angry and violent. Male loneliness also affects women. Dr Garfield observes that two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women, many of whom complain their husbands are emotionally incompetent. “There’s nothing new about that, but women are increasingly unlikely to put up with it,” he says.

HippieChick58 9 Jan 5
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1

Men have always worked hard, married late and been there as fathers.

What has changed is the modern woman's role in relationships. The modern woman does not want the average man. Biological hypergamy sees to it that the modern woman will have an ever decreasing dating pool, by their own doing.

As more women seek their attention from animals and social media; men will simply adapt and adjust, as we always do.

Yes, men are more lonely today, but so are women. There's a reason why a record number of women today die alone. There's a reason why nearly 80% of divorces are initiated and filed by women.

Nearly everyone is more lonely in the wealthiest societies today. Not just men.

SCal Level 7 Jan 6, 2022
0

"Men issues lol who cares they need to man up or grow some balls or something." Men in general are usually treated like second class citizens by our own government and by society as a whole. Men are more likely to be victims of violence more likely to become homeless more likely to kill themselves less likely to be treated fairly by the courts in divorce cases. Not to mention the many societal men issues.Though if you were to take a poll asking who in society has it easy, most people would say Men. Most men are not in charge of everything like people seem to believe, nor do Men in charge of everything care about other men.

Tejas Level 8 Jan 6, 2022

@TheMiddleWay yes, women have multiple structures of support, while finding the same type of groups for men is rare.

@TheMiddleWay I don't know if men have ever been "first class". Men gave always been suffering from one thing or another. Not to demenish women, but I would consider staying at home raising children is obviously better than going to war. That has been the case all through history. Men must provide show little to no emotion and sometimes forcefully go to war for their country.

@TheMiddleWay you are talking about America only. I'm focusing on a larger scale. I also would not compare land ownership versus countless men being forced into war. If you want to compare modern days how about genital mutilation of boys being normalized by most modern society?

@TheMiddleWay everyone has a government and society. Women up until recently haven't had to worry about economic rights mostly due to, men being the primary bread winner for thousands of years.

@Tejas OOOOhhhh dear, you poor thing. When I was growing up men could beat the shit out of women and women had to stay because he'd keep the kids in a divorce. And she couldn't get a job that paid more than a pittance. And she couldn't get a credit card in her own name until the late 70s or early 80s. Lets see, to go to college I would have required my dad's signature on the papers in 1976. He said he wouldn't sign because it might cost him money. I joined the Army to get the hell out of his house, he still had to sign the papers but he didn't have a good excuse not to. My daughter wants to get her tubes tied, she doesn't want children ever, but the doctor won't because she isn't married and someday her husband MIGHT want to have children with her... Women have NEVER had the same rights as men. Read real history, you might get the whole story.

@HippieChick58 real history is women having to raise a family while men must provide for them or go to war. Those two pressures go back since the evolution of man. Funny you bring up husband's beating their wives, its true sure a very small percentage do. It's also ingrained into men to never hit a woman even if she is literally killing you. Alot of women even support hitting men, I myself have had girlfriends try to beat the shit out of me.

1

Hmm. Sounds a bit like "men have a problem? Men are the problem". Some think it's parenting issue but I think it is larger than that. It is the system of social rewards. I wouldn't survive long without my friends, most of the them male. I find it easier to be open with them

1

There is a lot of truth there. I call myself broken. One reason for this, and you can see it today in movies and TV, is that men strive to hang out together and women are just the extra icing on the cake. Men are always telling other men what to do to get the woman. Everything is the game of whether you are the superman or the person who organized a family picnic. Macho men do not like the latter. Yes, mom wants a divorce because dad is too much into himself and his buddies. Entertainment glorifies this and we eat it up without learning anything. This is a Man's World as James Brown said.

Today I have few friends and I do not hangout. I see the pattern and I'm not going to get things started again. Your life should be as much about your significant other as it is about you. Men often just give women something to keep them occupied. No wonder we have divorce.

1

Because women hardly know what they want. They won’t accept it though but that’s the truth

2

Because Women Want A Man That's Taller. Women Want A Man To Make More Money Than Her, Hopefully Much More Money. But, They Only Want A Man To Be A Year Or Two Older. Meanwhile, At 30 Years Old They Date 30 Year Olds. By 35 They're Dating 25 Year Olds. And By 40 They're Dating 20 Year Olds. Crying Where's The Good Men, When They're Dating Boys. Plus, Society Is Insulting About Mens Sexuality, Like We're Nasty. When Were Younger, And Dominating By Our Swimmers. But, Somehow, Women's Sexuality Is Sacred, Even When They're Older, And Dominated By Their Eggs. Also, Men Are Blamed For Most Break Ups. Not To Mention Decades Of Racism, Blaming And Shamming, All White Men, Most Of Whom Never Had Anything To Do With Others Oppression. In Fact, Tens Of Millions Are Allies, Even Advocates Of True Equality. Neither Were Generations Of Their Families Oppressors, Or Owners. Whose The Dumbest, Emotionally Shallow, Unable To Communicate, Person In Most Comedies, Even Dramas, Men.

Soooo, by your age progression I should be dating infants? Women aren't interested in raising other women's children, especially sons. I had one date who told me he wanted an older woman to "help him find himself". I told him that was his mama's job and left. I raised my kids, my job is done. I won't raise someone that isn't blood related. Your diatribe is quite confusing, interesting use of capitalization.

1

I find a lot of truth in the article. I probably have always had more female friends than male friends, and find that women generally value friendships more than men do. Currently I have more female friends than male, but that may change as the woman I am beginning to date is more on the jealous side and probably won't tolerate me having more than a couple female friends. Like twill below, most of my deepest friendships have been with women, but I have also had deep friendships with men. It just seems like women are more willing to make time for friendships than most men are, at least in my experience.

4

I can only speak for myself and circle of male of friends. My real deepest friends seem to be women.
I had a buddy over last week. And did I ever get bothered by him. Why someone asks me a question and then answers it for me.... The ongoing rants, non listening, judgmental/ idiotic comments...It wears me down. The only real communicating between us seems to be some sort of Enabling

And YES ! they are single. All the while carrying on anti woman diatribes. Whew! They're the same as us guys....some good, some bad, some evil, some near perfection. Take your hatred elsewhere.

twill Level 7 Jan 5, 2022
0

Who taught these men this stuff? Other men! It’s gone on forever. In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, Friar Lawrence tells Romeo, “thy tears are womanish, art thou a man? “

I would be cuddling my boys on the couch and my husband would tell them to get away from me and stop being mama’s boys. He was constantly telling them women are bitches and don’t let them boss you. My kids were afraid to show affection or emotion for fear they’d get ridiculed by their father.

I notice same sort of behavior from men in similar age group on here. More entitled male behavior where they need to exhibit dominance and get preferential treatment but don’t like it when women get fed up and don’t want to put up with that disrespect and somehow we are supposed to feel sorry for them. The patriarchy still has the power but it appears to be dwindling and men don’t like to share. My heart bleeds for them.

Sorry to hear that about your kids' dad. I badly miss the days when I could hug, squeeze and yes kiss my boys, and get kisses back. And pick them up. Hold their hands when we walked.

My ex and I would give them "kiss sandwiches". We'd each kiss one of their cheeks at the same time.

They have not turned out to be sissies at all @ 14 & 17. Joe is gonna be a firefighter, and is quite a man for his age.

@twill yeah, the in laws said the boys would be sissies if we let them play with “girls” toys like shopping cart, play kitchen and baby dolls. Of course it didn’t happen but they made us all miserable with their sexism.

BTW, what is a sissy? How does one prove he is a man?

@Killtheskyfairy There was a play kitchen around at one time. I don't remember which boy it was for. Sam wanted and did get an EZ Bake Oven. I don't think he made more than 2 batches of shitty cookies with that thing .......... He / we figured out it was just easier, and better, to make cookies in the oven that's already in the kitchen !!

He's can cook basic stuff ....meat, brownies, Mac & cheese, waffles. He doesn't cook healthy food, but then again, he won't hardly eat it either. I've shown them how to iron. They do their own laundry...and their share of the dishes. They will definitely be a catch for any of the ladies.

And they go fishing, ride motorcycles, shoot guns, chop wood. Half assed take care of the animals.. oh wait, that'd only be ME !

I cook. They cook. It's a life skill.

@creative51 totally!

4

I feel sorry for men. While women have and are evolving, men just have stagnated.

@creative51 Oh, of course there are anomalies everywhere, however this is something that has been studied.

@TheMiddleWay Did you not read the article?

@TheMiddleWay Sounds to me like you are a bit upset about it all there, is it maybe too closed to the truth for you?

@TheMiddleWay Oh, do you see it as men evolving. Women have been taking care of children for as long as they had them, not only do they now take care of their children but also hold down jobs and some study at the same time. I wonder what % of men really "take care" of children.

4

American boys are taught to value their independence at the expense of interdependence. Both are important, but the "Don't tread on me" and "I don't need anyone but myself" are excessive in our American culture especially for American men. I think the article makes a good point.

2

The pandemic has curtailed making new friends.

4

Yeah, like women are emotionally competent... Is that by virtue of experience? "Dr Garfield observes that two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women..." I'm amazed it's that low. Divorce nearly always benefits the woman. No-fault my ass.

I completely agree that divorce has benefited this woman.
While I didn't initiate it, it did free me of someone who needed to be out of my life.
So, there's that.

@KKGator If it were up to me, a course on marriage and divorce would be a required in universities. I'm glad to hear you're doing better. Me too.

@racocn8 Totally agree. If we require a license for driving, in order to reduce mayhem and harm caused to others by reckless or incompetent drivers, we need the same for singles who wreak emotional havoc on others thru their terrible relationship behavior. Otherwise, our only protections from it are Buyer Beware, Everyone Look Out For Themselves, or choosing to be terminally single.

1

I've been saying that for a long time

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