I think that an important thing to consider when having a relationship with anyone (friend, spouse, lover, business pal, pal) is....are they taking from me or giving to me? Or as Skado says, to what degrees. Maybe neutral is OK too. Maybe that's excellent.

Kind of turns it all into a "deal". A deal is what we make with people all of the time anyway, whether it be small steps along the way.... or one of the bigassed deals that come along

I disagree as well. I was married 29 years with constant contention. We disagreed on everything. I was miserable, but stayed in the marriage "for the kids" which was stupid. When I finally told my adult kids that I was leaving their dad, my daughter asked "What took you so long?"

I've been happy ever since, except for a 8+ year relationship with a narcissistic lying cheat of a boyfriend, but at least I never married him, and finally got wise enough to get out of that relationship and have been succeeding in keeping him at a distance, and out of his controlling tricks. He gets contentious, still, so I just say "bye!" No more problem.

I enjoy being alone more than spending time with contentious people.

It is epic to watch so many people I know personally deal with negative relationships to the extent of embracing narcissists so that they do not have to be "lonely". If one must seek another to be complete, then one has not done the work by looking inward to know themselves. Once you are complete within yourself, then you are capable of sharing with another without placing a burden on a relationship in the form of "needing" someone. As Don Ruiz speaks about in the 4 agreements...the human race is sick with fear and one of these fears is being lonely. In my opinion/viewpoint, I believe it is because we are not taught to be complete within ourselves but domesticated into the dream of the planet.

I completely agree with your assessment and I also have no desire to burn any time with anybody that would inflict conflict and arguing. Life is too short to waste with undesirable people. Sorry the scoundrel John entangled himself into your world.

"Stay together for the children"

I ran from the table to throw up out of emotional stress because my parents turned nearly every meal into a shouting match.

When my dad died we encouraged my mom to look for a companion (she was in her mid-fifties) and surprisingly she found someone. He claimed to be a retired AF officer but he was really a loser. Kept borrowing money and asking favors. Mom constantly complained about him and we would ask if she was so unhappy just dump. She kept saying she didn't want to hurt his feelings! Unfortunately mom was an enabler. When she developed ovarian cancer guess who disappeared?!

My aunt and uncle fought like animals. They married late in life and she was often the instigator. When she died my uncle, a German who fought 4 years on the Russian front and spent 5 years in a Siberian gulag, cried like a baby. I asked him why as she treated him so badly. He said, I know but I miss her. Some people seem to need to live like what they are used to.

I know from experience that living in a marriage marked by contention forced on you by constant criticism, attacks, totally false accusations, and vicious mind games is sheer hell that threatens one's sanity and sheer existence. I'll take loneliness over that any time.

Our moms were taught that "For better for worse" meant forever. Yeah, I didn't buy into that. I stayed too long as it was. My parents were married for 25 years, and then dad remarried after my mom died. They stayed together for another almost 30 years, and they made each other miserable. My stepmother had been divorced before. They stayed married because they were too poor to get a divorce.

Being an introvert , I think , made severing bad relationships , easier . I wish I'd done it earlier . But getting rid of one set of bad personalities , doesn't mean Prince Charming is about to show up . It's important to make some positive decisions as to what you plan to do with your new life . I see too many ladies complaining about the alcoholic man they're moving away from , who then go to a bar , to find the next partner . You need to set different paths for yourself . You know what didn't work out , so don't do that again . Do things differently ! Dive into other interests . Expand your horizons . Join the SCA . Take part in a Corvette rally . Go bowling . Jump into politics . Maybe that one isn't a good choice . Go to the gym and tighten up those muscles . Join Habitat for Humanity and help build homes . Join a committee and clean up the beaches or a National Park . Volunteer for a Scout Troop . Coach a sport team after school . Take evening classes at your community college . Learn to paint art . Write a book . Do all the things you couldn't do , when you were in that bad relationship . Join a LARP group . Read ! Become the person you always wanted to be.

I'd rather be alone than to stay in an unhealthy relationship.
Being alone has never constituted loneliness for me.

Good for you for helping your mom get rid of that loser.

So much depends on how important reflection is to the individual & the connection itself. Hard to se this in mutually exclusive terms.

Nice story and from what I can make of it there was a happy ending.

Uh, no. That is all.

Conflict: to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash:
Similar to contention

I think any good relationship involves the healthy management of conflict, as, given that any two people are different, if there is no conflict then one person is completely sublimating their desires to the other and if there is too much conflict perhaps they are wrong for each other. To do that in a healthy way requires a mutual respect. I don't think your mother's issue was contention so much as john's lack of respect for her or her opinions and his oppression of her feelings and identity. As @Marionville points out below, contention as such didn't prevent her having a loving respectful relationship.
Kudo's to you for protecting your mother and it's sad that she had to tolerate that for 20 years because she was trained by the church to be submissive

You're a good daughter.

I can understand the thinking behind this saying and actually think I agree with it. Loneliness is a crushing condition that eats away at the self esteem and well-being of a person and can lead to mental breakdown and suicide. Being friendless and lonely should never be compared to being solitary through choice, because they are not the same thing. Loneliness is an abnormal human condition because we are social animals, contention is inevitably part of that social interaction with others unless one party always agrees with the other in order to avoid the possibility of strife at any cost.

Personally I can’t think of a life sadder than that of a person who deliberately chooses a solitary life purely because they wish to avoid the possibility of conflict or strife. My husband and I regularly disagreed and were in contention, but we still respected and loved each other underneath it, and if either one of us had chosen loneliness over contention we’d never have enjoyed the long and happy 37 year marriage we had together, or ever have felt truly alive.

I guess it all comes down to our own perspective or experience…which of course as always, colours our views.

As with, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", I think it isn't so much a matter of whether or not it's true, as whether or not it's relatable. I'd rather not have to choose a preferred brand of misery.

I'm with you on this!

Although I'd rather have someone in my life than not, I can deal with loneliness easier than I can deal with endless drama.

That said, mutually respectful intellectual "contention" for the first few years just to iron out the disparate worldview issues doesn't have to amount to rancor and resentment.

No crisis junkies here - too damn stressful.

Those born to the storm, find the calm boring.
Dorthy Parker