Agnostic.com

22 17

Are you single by choice?

Yesterday I got this message from a man:

"It always surprises me to see someone as attractive as you are, intelligent as you are, with amazing culinary skills that is single."

My reply:

I refuse to get married or live with a man again.

Men talk a good game about sharing cooking and chores (aka bullshit) but once we live together, they slack off. I end up doing all the work. It's too much of a burden.

My home is a sanctuary that comforts and pleases me.

Married women friends complain about their critical, controlling husbands. They envy my freedom, peace and quiet.

Love my single life! I can choose a lover, hiking and activity partner.

LiterateHiker 9 July 19
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

22 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

8

I was never married and I simply don't regret it. What you said is valid for both sides. I don't even make any effort to get into a relationship. If it happens naturally, brilliant. If not, let me enjoy my freedom. Simple.

8

I think men of our generation are used to the women doing it all. Men that my daughters are married to are very much more likely to do their part of housework and child care. I'm very impressed. I am not in any hurry to pair up with anyone, I've grown to prefer my independence and doing what I want to do when I wanna do it. It's enough for me to keep up with the kitties. I don't want to have anyone in my life making more work for me.

7

Absolutely. I was married once for 8 years and have a daughter and a son. When I got my divorce back in 1969, I knew that I never wanted to be married (I do not consider myself to be good marriage material) and I did not want more children. I got a vasectomy immediately and have remained single and have lived alone for over 50 years now. My life has been very good with the decisions I made and I have no regrets.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I have ended up where I needed to be."

6

I agree. My ex took my apron off my body to wash dishes BEFORE I agreed to marriage. After, the dishes sat in the sink for the entirety of several weeks while I was out of state working.

5

I have no plans to remarry and enjoy my freedom as a single person. I am lucky that I have a female friend who I can share life's adventures with, and a wide circle of other friends, which is good enough.

5

I accomplished a lot more when I'm single. I stay single by choice because I don't want to go and repeat my last two relationships. I'm at peace being single.

5

As usual, men are the problem.

But in addition to that: I think maybe there is some choice in my singleness. I meet women that I might be able to date if I put all of my time and energy into the challenge. But shit! I need to have some time and energy left for me.

My male friends don't cost me anything and don't demand anything from me. Of course there's no sex, but shit! I guess I'm just not willing to put the monumental effort into it anymore.

5

Sounds reasonable.

Decades ago I spent about 8 years living with a woman. To the best of my recollection cooking and dishes were a team effort. Mowing, weeding, painting, shoveling, mechanical, electrical and plumbing, was my job. However, with the exception of getting her house ready for sale, I seldom vacuumed the house or cleaned the bathrooms.

My favourite (without benefits) room-mate (John) was during my college dorm days. Although he was a hard-core Christian (read his bible in German every night and played organ for his church every Sunday) he was also a near Shelden level genius (I greatly enjoyed our nightly discussions) and an absolute neat freak; bed always (bounce a quarter on it) made tight, everything spotless, absolute order. He stood out in the student body so I recruited him and out of respect, and mutual agreement, I maintained the same level of order he lived with and it was always fun returning from class to a clean living space of less then 150 sq feet dictated by order. When he graduated with his four 3.98 (he got a B in oboe) GPA degrees in three years and transfered to Stanford for his advanced degrees, my new room-mate was a typical person. The room quickly descended into clean but disordered chaos. Having John as a room-mate was, I believe better then the option of living alone would have been.

For just under fifteen years I have lived alone in my 3,200 sq foot house with an attached double car garage. I love order but even with all this space I do not (can not?) return to the good old days of having John as a room-mate order. Occasionally I wonder what it would be like to share this space with someone who would expect a higher level of consistent order. When I started researching to build my home theatre I did a lot of reading to discover the best practices for speaker selection, placement, acoustic treatment etc, many articles referenced the WAF (Wife Acceptance Order) to meet the aesthetic/functional approval of “the wife”. I have changed many aspects of the theatre and occasionally wonder if a another person’s input during the original construction would have reduced the need for change.

"Married women friends complain about their critical, controlling husbands. They envy my freedom, peace and quiet."

Yea, any relationship where the man (or woman) attempts to or succeeds in controlling their partner is a relationship I would consider “Sick”. I am aware through stories roughly an equal number of relationships where one partner attempts or successfully dictates the freedoms of the other as relationships where no restrictions are imposed or attempted to be imposed on the other. I guess I am lucky as have never been in, and am not a product of that variant of a “Sick” relationship.

Although I am a bit of an outlier, reviewing all the “Sick” married relationships I am aware of, there are an equal number of women who restrict the freedoms of their hubbies as husbands who restrict the freedom of their wives.

I also love my single life but at times, wish I could establish a relationship to share intellect (and sex) with a compatible female life partner.

Trivia: Last week I ran across another study (shared on Facebook by Jim Barrows from the Atheist Experience) that demonstrate single women are generally happier then married women. Last study on that topic I ran across was decades ago. Ranking from that study happiest to most unhappy: Married men, Single women, Single men, and the least happy: Married women.

@NoMagicCookie

For me, it's calming to keep my home clean and organized. Since a child, I have been this way.

"You are the most organized person I've met," a former boyfriend said. "You are the only person I know who made a pot of chili and cornbread for the friends who helped you move."

@LiterateHiker I agree, there is something about a clean well organized living/working environment that is calming. Wish I could bring (motivate) myself to devote more time to that practice. Where I work most have the week off as many go to the Sun-dance ceremony. I figured I'd be able to organize the house but my time is half over aside from recovering from the visit of an old friend that instantly makes everything a mess (piles of dishes) laundry etc. In a single sitting he will burn through 4 to 5 glasses of milk or soda, he doesn't poor more liquid into a glass, he will bring out a new glass for every additional amount of liquid. I don't cook for him but he brings back takeout and will burn through many plates for each meal he brings back. I have learned not to clean up after him as he will magically make everything a mess as fast as I can clean so I just let the house fail until he is gone. Today, I figured I'd organize the formal dining room. So in addition to fixing the sprinkler system, pulling weeds and trees, shoveling saw-dust from the base of a tree I am cutting down, and Instead of clearing the clutter of monitors, cables, adapters, laptops and power cords and supplies, on the formal dining room table I used the table and took apart another old i-mac, replaced the hd with ssd and installed Ubuntu 22. I have a bunch of old computers I pick up cheap then fix and give them to kids. I know I would feel much better with a well organized house but instead I devote my time on silly projects. In the formal dining room I want to restore the dining table with a single peace of art beneath the ten fixture chandelier, surrounded by six chairs neatly tucked in but no, the large table is full of projects. The built-in shelf cabinets beneath the four windows in the formal dining room has thee more i-macs waiting for parts to upgrading, piles of papers, hard drives and brief cases full of tools. I love it when it is clear and organized but instead of organizing, I am typing.
Maybe tomorrow.

I greatly respect and somewhat envy your fortitude in maintaining an orderly world. That, and the food you cook looks incredible.

@NoMagicCookie

I would not invite that old friend to your house. He creates chaos and a huge mess worse than a toddler.

Instead why not meet him at a restaurant?

@LiterateHiker He and his sisters sold me their five bedroom house after both their parents died within a day of each other for about 200k. When I went to the banker to borrow 100k (I had saved a very healthy down payment) The banker did not look happy and responded with a, "That's not a 200k home. I'ts a lot more." ( Today Zillo lists my house over 340k. He is scary bright and usually introduces topics and insight that are beyond my knowledge base. I think he tries to not be a mess monster but I really think that's just who he is. He want's to run my dish washer every day but in the heat and humidity of the summer, this is a terrible waste of energy as the gas hot water heater will draw in hot humid air from outside and the air conditioner will have to dry and cool that air and the steam off the dishwasher so I tell him to just leave stuff and hand clean everything when he is gone. I do attribute some of my better attributes to him as when I was young, he taught me how to think "science". How things work, how simple it is build and modify electronics etc. I don't think I would have a full set of my thinking skills set without his input when I was very young.

5

No, I'm not,

So what happened? You tell me. I married a woman I loved and over the years she changed into a woman I didn't know anymore then came the cheating, the lies, and my frustrations over what she had become. In the end, she dumped me, divorced me, and moved to Tenn.

I married my best friend who became my ex-wife. I'll never understand how she could change so completely. I understand people will undergo some changes in life: you hate vegetables, now you like them, you think the color blue looks good on you, now you think it makes you look fat, you were happy with your job, now you aspire to be in upper management, that;s all expeted but to become someone your partner no longer recognizes is , frankly, bullshit.

We're allowed to change to be true to ourselves, and sometimes couples keep their finger on the pulse of the relationship and can change together respectively, but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.

Sometimes we marry before we really know who we want to be in life, and so coupes can grow together or apart. No guarantees. People live so much longer now than in past centuries, so if our one great love doesn't work out, or if we haven't found it yet, we might still have an extra shot at happiness.

@Julie808 Maybe, maybe not. I'll never know for sure what got into her. but I appreciate the input.

@Julie808 You are so right, I was raised to be a meek doormat and go along to get along. THAT gave my MIL the balls to just trample right over me and HE. the ex was happy as long as mommy was happy. As soon as I began to stand up for myself and put my foot down, he was no longer happy with me. He wanted that walk all over me doormat of a girl he married, and I had evolved into a self aware woman.

5

I'm currently single by choice. I believe in marriage and long term relationships. They are wonderful and I see happy marriages all the time.

I used to think I had to have a partner to get through life, and society used to tell us that all the time. I felt pressured to get married before I was ready and it was a failure. My mistake. Instead of the ideal where marriage is a synergy where two people are better, brighter, more beautiful together than the sum of the two individuals, I was living in a personal deficit, not even a fraction of myself. It wasn't until I left that situation that I began to build myself into a whole person.

I am currently still repairing the damage to my psyche, and can see myself joining my life to someones for a fuller more beautiful life someday, but if that never happens I'm totally fine on my own. It took some time to realize I CAN go places by myself, and do as I please. While I'm not ruling out ever having a relationship again, I'm not sure it's really for me. I'm enjoying living my life fully on my own terms.

Nobody will be marrying me for my cooking or housekeeping skills, so maybe that's a good thing, haha! I'd rather just have fun, enjoy life and share domestic responsibilities in a fair manner.

I've got to say that my long term boyfriend, for all his faults and mine, never complained about my cooking or cleaning, nor I his. Lucky for me, he did his share of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. That may be because he's always been single and independent.

You always write well Julie. Complete, thoughtful pieces. I appreciate it

@Julie808

Well said. Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

Your second paragraph rings true and brings to mind a similar outcome. Only once in my life I had an experience where I met a bright young woman where we both hit it off on every level, same sense of humor, and aspirations. Seems like last night: Laughing together, driving her home from a date at her older best friend's house (her friend set us up but later her older friend decided she needed me so I, (with a need to help people) chose the old friend over over her younger friend) the young woman had two younger sisters and was expected to get married NOW (she was early 20's) so her other sisters could get married. Don't know how long that relationship lasted or if it remains but it was not a good outcome. Out of duty she was soon married. According to her older friend, she wanted nothing to do with the child of her and her husband. She respected intelligence and that was not her husband's strongest trait. If she would have had more time, perhaps she could have found a better partner.

@NoMagicCookie Yes, funny how expectations of others or our tendency to please others rather than ourselves or listening to our own heart can misdirect us, changing our fate.

Part of the reason I accepted my husband's proposal was that my younger sister was going to beat me to the altar, so I somehow felt I needed to get married before her wedding. Was stupid to think there was a chronological order that needed to be followed.

Between my engagement and the actual wedding I had second thoughts about the marriage and should have called it off, but I was confused by lots of other things going on at the time. Now, I'm not such a conformist -- the only one of my siblings not married. That's okay with me.

I do wonder sometimes, if I had just kept my options open a bit longer, if I would have met someone I would have been proud to have as a life partner and father to my children. Oh well.

@Julie808 Your first paragraph mirrors my observation. Well stated. "Oh well." I can relate. I don't burn much time reflecting on the past but about ten years after meeting the young woman, while in the Bismarck photographic darkroom now a storage room I was organizing/tossing stuff in boxes from that Devils Lake. After the older girl friend roughly ten years my senior replaced me with a guy ten years younger then I (I moved back to my parent's home as I got a much better job in Bismarck) I was digging through boxes of "stuff" and ran across a valentines heart and letters from the young woman. I had completely forgotten that I had those (now tossed) items. Then it occurred to me in a sudden cold sweat, In choosing to try to help her older friend (her older friend was routinely raped by her grey haired next door neighbor when she was a tween and her head was messed up) I never expected a positive outcome, just provide as long as possible a stable mindset, I had likely caused great harm to the younger woman who married a "dull and slow" -her words- man. Oh well.

5

I spent 2 years telling a friend I needed to get a divorce.
Then I was surprised by a divorce, so I went back to my friend and cried "I'm being divorced! and they think it's their idea!"
Yay! freedom after 14 years and two kids.
That was in 2007, and it's better this way.

4

Widowed and now single by choice. I had two marriages in my life. One was terrible, but produced my two great son’s. The second one was the one I wish I had married the first time, and it was truly a partnership.

I did consider one other person about a year ago, but once I saw his home and experienced his behavior toward my pets and how his place was sort of a shrine to his deceased wife, I knew we were not a match.

After that I realized I am better on my own and would only entertain a male friend to do things with, like concerts, dinner out, fishing and camping, traveling etc. I do miss the physical aspect of a relationship, but not enough to try it again.

Oh, if only you lived near me, Red. That's exactly the sort of thing I'm looking for -- doing fun things with someone cool.

@Sgt_Spanky I have found it to be quite difficult to find a person who will understand I am not looking for a sex partner, only a person to enjoy the things I mentioned. I will Undoubtedly remain single and happy as I am living with my family.

3

Yet here I am. Single a brilliant cook and I can do chores.

3

I see more possibilities than single or married/cohabiting. Those in part time relationships may be monogamous and see themselves as a couple, some may not. The same goes for poly people that have a primary and other relationships.

MizJ Level 8 July 20, 2022
3

Pro's and cons both lifestyles. The thing with love, can't define it and when/ if it happens, often not by choice.
Happily single, but open to co-habitation where we get to play with each others wobbly bits (one advantage to getting older, more wobbly bits) with the ability to be comfortable in each others silence. I find that pleasurable as it is a shared pleasure.
Relationships are just an agreement to put up with each others shit. Swings and roundabouts, never going to be perfect.

puff Level 8 July 19, 2022
3

I have been married and have two adult children. I went on a cruise by myself in May. I go the the the movies and dinner. I have some group camping and hikes schedule for this fall. I do miss female companionship, but do not want to marry again.

3

Single, never married, no kids. All by choice.

3

By choice? No, by her passing. If ever again I'll be real choosey and Ladies, some of us men are able to share the work load and the emotional part of a relationship. I have one in mind but it's not to be just now, maybe soon if the universe wills.

3

I'm with you, Lit. I'm done with marriage too. 😉

zeuser Level 9 July 19, 2022
3

Good for you. I see my girlfriend once or twice a week. We have a great time together and are crazy in love. We talk of a future (3-4 yrs?) where we'll be in one place together.

Who knows how we'll adapt to more of each other? It's kind of ....scary
I only know that we are perfect for each other, enjoy each other's company and respect each other now.

twill Level 7 July 19, 2022
2

Same here, I'm done. If I find someone interesting to be around and intelligent to talk to, I would have no hesitancy in taking it to good friends with benefits but I enjoy my solitude. My ability to do what I want to do without being forced to do "couple" things constantly is appreciated. I'm part of a meetup group in town here and I join them often for picnics at the park, a play at our local theater, or listening to music. But I also have time to myself at my choice to read, to research items I find interesting, and to learn. I never have to clean a mess anyone else left for me except for the cat and that's a rare thing.

It's a good life and I'm happy with it.

2

one guy did say "ex-wife".
noted

twill Level 7 July 19, 2022
Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:677482
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.