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Asexuality

How many men out there are asexual? It seems like every profile I read lists sex as an interest. I am not at all interested in sex. This is not something that someone can change my mind on. It seems that if I discuss this with a man I am viewed with suspicion or labeled as cold, or frigid or a lesbian. I am not any of these. I just am not romantically attracted to anyone. I enjoy companionship, someone to do things that are a mutual interest with. So, my question is how can I meet a man who is NOT interested in sex?

bluekrystal 4 May 22
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31 comments

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12

There are many members with different needs-some not sexual.

9

I had a friend who was asexual; she just had no desire for sex. Intimacy was ok, as long as sex was not implied or expected. You’re definitely not alone. The best way to find what you’re looking for is to be very up-front in your dating profile...then, maintain your boundaries. (Example using me: my profile states nobody under age 50; hard limit. Got a message from a 29-year-old, and politely informed him he was WAY below my limit. He sent one more, trying to convince me to reconsider, and I blocked him. Anyone who has that little respect for boundaries and what I say, belongs away from me!)

8

If you write your profile and answer the profile questions, you'll both earn points and let members get to know you better, and what you're looking for in a partner.

Besides, that's the first place many people look when they see a new member.

6

Men who are 'interested in sex' can still be (though admittedly rare) good friends with whom good times can be arranged and shared. I'm one of them. Many of my female friends are or have been people who happen to share a common interest or work.

Much of my earlier work life was as a professional model and being the 'minority' in the field as a male meant being surrounded not just by women, but women who were very pleasing to the eye. I regarded some as friends and other women not related to work likewise as friends, with sexuality, other than unavoidable surface attraction, completely out of the mix. I was married during those times and many of them were as well.

Today, even on this site, my interest in women is based on preference for their company or interaction as primary motivation and sex has no part of expectations as far as meeting people. IF, because I'm interested in sex also and conditionally, I meet someone with the intellectual and character elements that makes the stuff or which real 'sex' is made, that would be great too, but FAR from prerequisite.

Not sure how many other guys here are about that but I can't be alone, can I?

If you or any female has a resonating 'bio' in the profile that stimulates interest in direct communication expectation of a sexual relationship would be the extreme of 'cart before the horse'. .... a little horse and buggy lingo. 🙂

4

I can't relate to that feeling at all. My life would have been, and would be a lot less complicated if l felt that way.

4

There are a number of online sites for dating asexuals, not a lot to choose from, but they do exist. BTW, The terms 'Ace or Acer' is used to denote an asexual.

4

I’m pretty sure my ex was asexual, after we had kids he had very little interest in sex. There are men out there that are asexual. Good luck!

i wonder what the population ratios are male to female of asexuality. it's an incredibly rare trait in females, in males it must be like a fraction of a decimal point. but there are almost 8 billion of us now, i'm surprised mutation rates are as sane as they are currently

3

Take heed, and tread your own path. Humans come with all levels of sexual desire, and you are not alone. Even those with a desire for sex can still benefit from companionate relationships. Hang in there...websites are typically at the limit of their developers. Maybe you could inquire with the moderators about adding an option for "strictly platonic." Just know, you can find what you seek, and you deserve no less. You are worth it.

3

I think many are but don't admit it.
Mostly I think people are just looking for a comrade much like you describe.
Someone compatible to be there, do things with, talk with at some level of understanding.

Hugs are allowed for consoling purposes!

3

I often wish I was asexual. I'm a 63-year old man with no partner and I would rather just get on with other things. But my hormones still hop. It seems silly in a way because I'm not going to father or raise any more children. I suspect that our genes really control us in that way and they care about nothing but reproduction, even if you don't have the energy to raise the children after they born. But for people who have no interest, I think they are just taking their place on the spectrum of sexual life, where most are situated around the bell curve and lesser amounts to the two sides.

3

Good luck with your journey in this path.
My only suggestion I could think of is, perhaps a roommate ?

2

I know this is an old thread but wanted to chime in anyway. I identify as ACE, specifically Demisexual meaning unless I have some level of deep intellectual and emotional connection I don't find myself physically attracted to women. Since we live in a culture that professes don't judge a book by its cover, practices the precise opposite, then continues with the denial. I have stopped getting into relationships hoping the feelings will come around or when I am upfront the immediate reaction is to bailout or strategize how they can arrange for sexual partners. No discussion about what demisexual is, all they hear is asexual = no sex, period.

I had not heard the term "demisexual" until recently, but I think it describes me. I experience attraction easily, but I don't experience arousal until I feel comfortable and accepted. Unfortunately, most women who want sex want it right now and don't have patience for anything else.

I just want you to know that it isn't just you, and it's not that way for all of us.

@BitFlipper I have been a self identified ACE for almost 20 years, and have never found a supportive community online in any of the major ACE groups or in real life meetup support groups. I am typically treated with cynical suspicion in large part because widespread stereotypes about Black people and sexuality. When I attend meetings I have never found anyone like me and no one reciprocates my overtures of friendship.

@Muiren I can't find a definition for "ACE". Maybe that's hindering your attempts to find connections. What does ACE mean?

@BitFlipper This is the result of a Google search for ACE Asexual About 2,440,000 results (0.65 seconds). The first few hundred results are all extensive definitions of ACE and Asexuality as an orientation and a community. [en.wikipedia.org]

@Muiren thanks, but that page doesn't mention "ACE". There isn't a definition anywhere in wikipedia that uses that that word in relation to sex. I already know what asexuality is.

@Muiren this search: "ace and asexuality" gave me a definition.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like being straight or gay. ... When someone is gay, they're into the same gender. But when someone is asexual, or "ace" as it's called, they're not really into anyone in that way. They simply don't experience sexual attraction.

So now I know what ACE means.

2

That kind of a man is going to avoid a competitive, sexual atmosphere. So avoid places like nightclubs, gyms, etc. and instead look for places for the drier pastimes, like pottery, or whatever.

Not so, my best friend is female. We constantly go out together just as friends would and she is not asexual but she doesn't desire a relationship with a man, just a quickie now and then, I close my eyes....no I don't....LOL

2

Asexuality is normal for about 1.5% (that is one and a half percent) of people. Different people have different drives and interests

From an evolutionary standpoint, at first sight it may not seem to make sense. That is until you realize that humans evolved living in groups and communities, where there was safety in numbers. If oen looks at colonies in insects, they have specialists to provide for various community needs. An asexual person, or even homosexual persons, are nto so occupied with children. They have more time to fulfill other tribal needs that can be totally unrelated to raising and caring for children. The roles filled would vary from one culture and/or environment to another, but those things done outside of child raising helped us to better survive as a species.

Sex drive is on a continuum scale. Some people spend seemingly almost all their waking hours seeking sex, while some people have no sexual desire whatsoever. It is just a part of human diversity. Diversity has also played a major role in humans becoming a dominant species.

Very good summary Sir!

2

[goodreads.com]

it absolutely is a thing, a rare thing. ^ this book is fantastic, pm me anyone if you need a pirated mp3 audiobook copy

It's odd to me that somebody would openly advertise offering stolen intellectual property.

Authors deserve payment for their work -- and how much does a book really cost?

Now it's up to you to correct me if I'm wrong--and I invite your rebuttal. This was originally published in Scientific American, 07/03/2012. At what point is the author not paid? The material in the book is open to be shared by anyone to anyone once it is published in this manner.

@buzz13 The publishers own the rights to the distribution of the work. If a person says he/she holds a "pirated mp3 audiobook copy," it reads as if he/she is knowingly illegally possessing the work. Even still, distributing a copyrighted, published work without express permission from the publisher is technically illegal and should not be condoned, especially on a relatively public site like this.

@Shawno1972 You are full of it, I suggest you go back to school and learn more about copyright law, so quit trying to stand up for your whatever it is.

@buzz13 According to the inter-webs, published work copyright lasts for the life of the author +70 years. Curious what you know about copyright law that is different than that. Are you a published author? Are you a copyright attorney?

@BlueWave The 'book' was originally a science article published in a science journal, which makes it a public article any body can quote, print or use any part of as long as it is credited to the author. So he's not out any money nor any due and please realize that scientists do not publish theories, theorems, ideas, etc. with the intent of any huge capital gain. If they did then any time someone writes E=MC2 you'd have to pay Einstein's heirs.

@buzz13 Permission is required to use magazine articles for free use and dissemination. I am often tasked with requesting permission to use articles - even old ones. Are you a published author? Are you a copyright attorney?

In any event, what was offered was a pirated MP3 of something. Pirated means stolen. So exactly what is your purpose arguing all of this other stuff?

If you don’t think intellectual property is property, then so be it. The law does not agree with you.

@BlueWave You are not paying to use that article I take it but crediting it to it's author for reprint. According to you if I buy a used book off Amazon, read it and then give it to another to read and they give it to someone else to read it is pirating? Which is all the gentleman was saying he is not charging anyone to get it from him. Your reasoning fails on that premise alone and the law agrees with me on that. I never said anything about using intellectual property. It was most likely a poor choice of words by the poster, but you took it and ran away with it, not stopping to think before responding. I don't understand why.

@Shawno1972 I guess you're a member of the, 'under a hundred club', by saying I am a bully.....hahahahahahaha

@buzz13 Intended use is irrelevant. The fact is is that they offered to disseminate stolen intellectual property. To ME, that is not cool. All the other stuff injected is moot.

@BlueWave Granted it may not be cool to you but no wrong was done by the poster other than using the word 'pirated' which you took and ran with.

@buzz13 Pirated is STOLEN. Any owner of intellectual property would say the same. Peace, hugs and kisses.

1

At our age a lot of men Cannot have sex.......but they probably like to kiss, cuddle, and maybe more. If you are not at all interested in any form of warmth, you will have considerably narrowed the avaliable "field" IMO.
And, just sayin', are you SURE you could not be (re-)awakened? The right chemistry could surprise the Hell outta ya!

1

I can think of two men I've known who were (and are) legitimately asexual, so it's not as uncommon as you might think. Unfortunately, both were also very happy with keeping their own company and had little interest in pursuing platonic friendships with women either. In the absence of some pre-existing common interest, you will likely never meet either of them. One is conveniently employed in technical theater where (almost) everyone simply assumes he is gay. The other is literally a backwoods recluse who lives off the land and rarely interacts with anyone socially. I sometimes envy his solitude, but fortunate or not, I am not asexual.

1

You asked, "...how can I meet a man who is NOT interested in sex?" And the responses have been all over the map.

So my answer is that if I was looking for a relationship, and had an issue which has caused me stress in past relationships, I too would be honest, open, and transparent, but without expectations. It's always easier to be that way since avoiding on issues like this inevitably leads to future drama and stress. LOL But, as i'm sure you know, some men and women believe that they can change others, and not only about their sexual preferences. Certainly avoiding the sex-subject won't make it go away if you have differences with a person you're in a relationship with. But many may try to 'cure' you, as I'm sure you also know.

We are all perfect, so it's always healthier to be happy in our skins. Love yourself and appreciate that you're the miracle that you are.

1

It's a hard roe to hunt, for sure. Asexual is very atypical whether male or female. A dating site is probably not a good place to search for this type of person. This site in particular leans heavily towards dating, but not exclusively so.

1

Nothing wrong with that. I dated a man that was not interested in sex. Of course, he was ashamed and not honest with me.

1

I'd probably be the President of the freakin' United States by now if I was asexual. I like sex very much and it takes up a large portion of my thought process on a daily basis.

1

Got to be honest, never heard that one before.

1

You may have more luck with a guy who has had a vasectomy for a long time. I still like sex but it certainly calmed me down after the first decade of being 'fixed'

With all due respect, that is complete and utter hogwash. If there was any chance at all of vasectomies decreasing sexual desire in men, nearly none would be performed.

Most human beings tend to lose some interest or ability to "perform" with age -- to whatever degree, as their bodies and minds deem appropriate (or not).

1

There are asexual dating forums, and I used to be part of one. But, as it turns out, sexual drive seems to be the motivating factor for people to pursue relationships, as it takes a lot of nerve and energy.
Both forums I joined had very little dating going on, if any, and conversation threads would often take a year to complete, there was so little activity.

I'm demisexual, so it takes over a year before I feel sexual attraction to a love interest, but once it kicks in, my libido is so high, with gender-bending and mild S&M tendencies, that cis hetero men can't handle it and their 20-second love-making is boring to me.

@sarahjustme The only "cis hetero" man I was with who didn't do "rabbit sex" was my last ex, We divorced in 2010, and and he/she came out as both bisexual and nonbinary female in 2016.

I had another ex who was slightly good, but he was also highly female in behavior traits, so I suspect that any men you met who were any good were heavy in female characteristics.

Besides, like I already said, I don't WANT sex with anyone. I only feel sexual attraction after over a year of being with someone, and then just for that one person.
Otherwise, I don't care.

1

I think you are into a good start by stating that here on this website. Have you ever looked into a dating website that is for asexual? They have them for everyone else. If not maybe just openly stating it in a profile will be helpful

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