In the way of attachment styles, have any of you secure/insecure crossovers been in a good relationship with an avoidant personality? If so, what do you think helps your communication without being smothering? I was reading that secure people are less likely to be in the dating pool (as they exit easily together). I know I don’t fit one attachment style perfectly and go back and forth from insecure to secure. It really can be dependent of where my partner is at in the relationship AND what time of the month it is.
For those who know they are avoidant, what makes you feel safe in a relationship? What helps you to connect?
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If my attachment style has a name I don't know what that name is. Is there an online test to determine it?
The only thing I can say is: The only friends I have are distant friends - their attitudes and behaviors are pretty consistent. Whenever I try to form a close relationship I get rejected pretty hard. I suppose that puts me in the "avoidant" category, but I don't really know.
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OK I found a test and took it. It says I'm "preoccupied".
BitFlipper
Level 8
Aug 9, 2020
0
@PandaCat I took an online test, and it says I'm "preoccupied". I watched the video that goes with that and apparently we are unsuitable for any kind of relationship. The best I can hope for is that reincarnation is real.
You asked about being insecure/secure.
I have always felt very secure about myself in the career, relationships, places and wherever else I have been in life. I have never felt insecure or unsafe. A little anxious? Yes but not insecure.
I think the reason for it must be that I have never been emotionally, financially or otherwise dependent on anyone in life. Also I am gifted with abundance of self confidence since early age without being handsome, rich or unique. That helps every time.
I think if you are financially independent, emotionally stable and know your ground... you should handle insecurity well, possibly conquer it. But many start dreaming of good things in life without being able to achieve on own where the insecurity from issues start brewing.
St-Sinner
Level 9
Aug 9, 2020
1
@PandaCat
Be emotionally secure, know your place in life and in the world and a good man will come along with having to hand on to anyone. Hanging-on to someone for a good life, for dreams, for just having someone in life and rushing to marry are wrong approaches. You accept a companion because you understand like him internally. Moderation and pragmatism are keys. I did the second well but not the first.
I have watched people in my 55 years of life across cultures and lands. I know what happened in my life. I have always been very pragmatic and did not follow old age customs, traditions and rules except of parents. I focused on education, financial success, being strong but I never paid much attention to building life as a whole. I failed to understand that there are stages of life. It is important to live life through stages, for example not continue going to college until 35 of age or saving too much before starting life was not important. I was wrapped up being strong and independent. I failed there. That was the other extreme.
That is why I am not a big fan of not being pragmatic. Dream, be ambitious but plan to achieve on own. Don't make your dreams dependent on others. If you do, dreaming will abort soon. There is a good match for everyone. It is up to him or her to be wise and pick the right one. Also you get to correct mistakes if done in time.
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