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Has anyone here had any experience with (or known someone who has/had) a SEXLESS MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP or a FRIGID PARTNER? I just got done with 9 years of my life being washed away in one such relationship. My sex-drive is, at its minimum, geared for at least once a week. We were having it once every 2 months (if I was lucky) for 5 minutes.
I was still expected to be faithful, loving, and kind to her - I couldn't do it anymore after 9 years. She is not a bad person - she is even a good mom - just FRIGID. Sex was not even on her radar, and when she offered it, it was with the same reluctance with which college students do their laundry. πŸ˜€πŸ˜Ÿ
I kept telling her, "If you don't tend your garden, someone else will!" Made no difference to her. Towards the end, she even told me that she couldn't be bothered with sex - gave me permission to go find it elsewhere with whoever - not that I ever followed through!!

P.S.: The pic is not me and my ex-. Haha!!

Green_Soldier71 7 Sep 23
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19 comments

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0

Just got out of a 10-year engagement. He announced that he was asexual. It reduced our relationship to basically roommates for the last several years. And he was a lousy roommate.

Krista4505 Level 4 Dec 30, 2020
1

Mine turned that way. It went from red hot to smoldering ash over night. He blamed stress but I knew better.

Shell78 Level 3 Dec 5, 2020

It's terrible when that happens.

0

I was married for 13 years. She lost all interest in sex after the wedding. I remained faithful, like a sucker. I watched myself slowly become sexually null and void. The first couple of years was pretty bad, but women stopped smiling or flirting or showing any interest, so I'm kinda just dead inside now. It's been 18 years now.

BitFlipper Level 8 Nov 26, 2020
1

Yes! I suffered through a 30-year marriage which was sexless for the last 18 years. It turns out that my ex was gay, and in the closet all along. I made up for it mightily after it was over, and now wish to achieve a balance of some kind. It's a special kind of hell. I have a high sex drive, but also crave closeness, humor and intellect. What to do?

Organist1 Level 7 Nov 26, 2020
1

Was married 28 years, there were two periods of time where her enthusiasm matched mine. Two kids resulted when I was not in on that plan. She was never mentally engaged... I.I. How can she make it better or what more does she want and it hurt. I gained weight, blamed stress, relationship grew distant. Things we used to do stopped happening and I was sure it was because I was fat. She would say no, but it felt that way. Found out she was an alcoholic and she refused to engage with help. She had lots of insecurities about sex, and allowing for those became my norm, so now... I get anxieties about engaging in a new relationship. Did not help the one I had since was a narcissist who said all the mean things a guy never wants to hear. And anything I tried with her was shot down... not your wife, you can’t treat me like her.... um..l thanks for letting me figure you out..

4

It is not that the woman is frigid but that there is something seriously wrong with the relationship.

Jolanta Level 8 Sep 27, 2020
4

I have to wonder if the woman was actually an asexual and did not know it or had severe hormonal changes due to impending menopause. Or at the worst, had a history of sexual trauma or sexual child abuse that was never dealt with and was impacting her libido. Is there a reason you were against being in an open marriage? If she was open to it, then why not pursue that dynamic? Also, finding out the underlying horomonal or psychological reasons for the libido issues would have gone a long way. Going to her doctor for tests or even to a couples counsellor or sex therapist.

ohh so your relationship was doomed living in an environment like that! I mean the fact that your doctors are not bound to keep medical information private and can gossip about it (aka the info coming out to the community) is despicable and disgusting. And yes I am familiar of the culture of shame and a woman's honour being important in indian culture. I thought you lived in the USA for some reason since most members here are americans. Maybe you'd have better luck living in a more liberal nation? πŸ˜‰

2

I happen to have a twist on this situation. My (now ex) husband at the time was addicted to porn. He had a decreased sex drive due to his addiction. Once I discovered his addiction was the source of his disinterest I divorced him.

@Green_Soldier71 I'm grateful that I confronted him and he told me the truth. I thought I wasn't attractive enough to turn him on... now I know the truth.

Wow! I had the same experience, only I also discovered, after 30 years, that my ex was a closeted gay man, and the porn he was addicted to was gay porn.

7

Congratulations on getting out of a marriage that didn’t suit you. Your ex may have been asexual, altho’ her willingness to engage in activities except intercourse indicates otherwise. There can be all sorts of medical, personal,
and relationship issues that lead people to avoid intercourse. Also, the quality of the sex matters. We sexologists have a saying, β€œPeople want sex when the sex is worth having.” You said the sex lasted 5 minutes? What are the odds she found that pleasurable?
Before you enter into another relationship, you may find it helpful to see a sex educator, counselor or therapist to explore how you can communicate better about what you and your partner both expect, want, find pleasurable, want to explore, etc. Good luck!

UUNJ Level 8 Sep 23, 2020

@Green_Soldier71 @uunj didn't assign fault on you.. maybe read her comment again. Also, I didn't fault you either...

@Green_Soldier71 It may have for her but you don't really know. You need to read what the the sexologist lady said again.

3

I've been there. I was married from 2001 until 2015, and I had sex with my wife exactly once during that time. That was 2002.

Tragically, I became convinced that that was what I deserved. I'm trying to unlearn that but all of my experiences have shown me that it is sadly true - I have lost whatever I once had in terms of sexuality.

BitFlipper Level 8 Sep 23, 2020

@Green_Soldier71 my sex drive waned, but my sense if sexual value is completely gone. We could convince ourselves that we were desirable when we were young, but after years of rejection and humiliation I don't know how to get it back.

@Green_Soldier71 I'm 67.

4

Bro! Seriously sorry. That is painful. I don't know what it is with women and sex(I do) but let's pretend I don't. Lol. It seems their sex drive is not as high as men and they need many other factors to turn them on. It sucks being in a relationship with no sex. I say get as much as you can. Our tools don't work forever like women.

MrChange Level 7 Sep 23, 2020

@Green_Soldier71 no problem bro. The struggle is real out there.

Err, I'm a gal and I was the one with the high sex drive in the marriage. In fact, the bedroom was one area I had some confidence. But the now ex husband wasn't always as into it. And at the end we would go 30 days or more. It really sucked for me. So it can go either way...

@SimplyJaneen I agree. You are absolutely correct. I based my statements on my experiences only. The main point is to find someone with equal sex drive. Its kinda important in a relationship and only will be there for a certain amount of time.

@SimplyJaneen, @Green_Soldier71 well stated

@Green_Soldier71 very true. My ex definitely enjoyed the perks and benefits of being married but wanted to do none of the work and my needs were not nearly so important to him. It was a very challenging marriage to be in.

Um...no. My sex drive has never gone away...ever.

5

Open and honest communication is paramount. If people remain true to themselves and their love ones some such cases as yours can be avoided.
Your partner sounds to me to be asexual.

Unity Level 7 Sep 23, 2020
8

While I can't speak for everyone , in some cases there are very valid reasons for a partner to loose interest in sex . Men often brag about the size of their equipment . Women's equipment comes in different sizes , as well . Even after giving birth , a woman can remain too small because , while doctors slice her open during the birth process , they also sew her closed afterwards . Some doctors go even further , without discussing it with the patient , adding what they call the husband's stitch , which makes it an even tighter fit , to please the husband . And it makes sex very painful for the wife . Some men know nothing about foreplay . He seems to feel , if he's ready , then she should be as well . And sticks it in , dry . Also painful . It's been strongly documented that after coming home from a forty hour work week , women put in another , on average , six hours work in home chores , nightly , while many men feel it's their right to sit on the sofa and watch TV nightly . When she hits the sack she is exhausted , and he has proved to her , he really doesn't care about her . Just as a bit of positive attention can improve a situation , so too , degrading comments are , to put it bluntly , a turn off . Not bothering to prepare yourself to make it a pleasant experience , ie. , washing your equipment , can also make it less than enjoyable . Letting others (such as her mother-in-law) walk all over her , doesn't encourage feelings of desire towards you either . Health issues , low nutriction (iron for instance) can cause exhaustion . Loosing respect for you , for what ever reason , is a turn off . While I can't say what specifically caused a woman's lack of interest , you might consider taking these into consideration . Make changes , if it's not already too late , or you may discover you have the same problems in future relationships , as well .

Cast1es Level 9 Sep 23, 2020

There's a saying "there are no frigid women, only incompetent men. " That being said, just about the only sex education, beyond the mechanical, is porn. Porn is geared toward men and their satisfaction. It's very important for women that sex happens first out of the bedroom. Is he kind to her? Does he do special favors for her? Does he spend quality time with her? A man spends all his time working and any free time "with the guys" shouldn't be expecting any affection from his spouse. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ

unfortunately I would have to disagree with the results of your statement but I do agree that most men are bone heads. In my case I was married for over 12 years. I worked 2 jobs, joined the military, washed dishes, took out trash, cleaned bathrooms and watched children to give her a break. This was EVERY DAY except when deployed. She STILL did not have the same sexual energy than I. Nor was she tired. She just told me she would be happy having sex 2 times a month. We had it on average of 8 times a week so im not complaining too much but to me it showed that women have too much going on upstairs that interrupts their ability to have CONSISTENT sex and actually WANT it. I refuse to have sex with a women who just wants to get it over with. Thats not sex thats rape! Anyways I'm done ranting. FYI my statement are my beliefs only and only apply to my small reality NOT everyone else's. Just hope this guy gets laid consistently. Im feeling the pain myself although I am single and its been over a month. Smh. What can you do? Lol

@MrChange I would say your libidos were highly incompatible.

@Green_Soldier71 ah heck nobody is perfect. My observations were from my 35 year marriage which ended why? I don't know he never said. I'm supposing it was my chronic depression finally killed it. But, all that is a long dull story nobody wants to hear. I do suspect that your culture could have been a huge problem. My husband's Catholic upbringing was a good deal of our problems.

Anyhow, I hope things become better for you. Just because she wouldn't do counciling doesn't mean you can't. I found a new Sweetheart, you can too but get yourself together before you go looking.

@Booklover I agree. Its hard to find someone period and then there are other added things such as this. Relationships are complicated. Lol

5

In the beginning of our marriage we had fun and sex and good communications. Gradually it grew colder and more distant. She had an incurable mental illness, bipolar disorder which became worse as she aged and tried so many medications that we lost track. Eventually it wore me down and left me with no other choice. After twenty years we agreed to divorce. She is now under good fully paid medical care living near her brother in Colorado. I'm trying to rebuild my life but at 77 it's a little difficult.

OldGoat43 Level 9 Sep 23, 2020

"In the beginning of our marriage we had fun and sex and good communications."

That's why it is called the honeymoon period. The clichΓ© is also used everywhere.

I can relate to rebuilding life in later years. In most cases the damage is reversible. I have to try hard not to get angry about the past. But the bitter taste has also been therapeutic. I have promised myself to be not so stupid again in life.

3

Did you show her much attention?like when you first met?

@Green_Soldier71 arranged marriage? Wow.. That most likely played a huge role regarding this issue...

@Cutiebeauty agreed!

@Green_Soldier71 it's always the man's fault. Every woman will tell you that.

4

It is better to be without than with a mismatch.

FrayedBear Level 9 Sep 23, 2020

It is the last resort, try but get the fuk out as soon as possible.

New lifestyles are coming up in the US and I like them:

  1. Non monogamy
  2. Open marriages
  3. Just unions - no marriage

If I was 18 again, I would correct my mistakes if I had the same the experience in the head. I have told my only daughter about three things - Be safe, healthy and happy and be a mother. I really don't care about her relationships. Old, young, lesbian... I will gladly accept.

The idea of a marriage and legal wrangling is so bizarre to me. The simple commitment to make each other happy is quickly forgotten and lost in the bizarre lust for promises to pay, property rights, money, just deeply painful experiences by blackmailing by using children have become a big part of getting together. I hope the world changes as it is today. This was one of the reasons I did not become a conservative. I have a deep disgust for non sensical rules that are so outdated today.

There are lots of benefits of a good union although bad or weak or no sex later:

  1. Sweet children
  2. Happy moments
  3. Healthier habits, lifestyle,
  4. Stability - it is helpful to be anchored down and stable
  5. Possible peace of mind - lol
  6. Companionship in old age
  7. Moral support, partnership in each other's goals

But I agree that often the other terrible factors make the benefits look minuscule.

@St-Sinner isn't all compromise simply the subjugation of the self to dementia?

@FrayedBear

Sometimes the compromises are worth the net benefits, most often they are not if children are removed from the equation. Children is the major reason why couples stay together around the world.

@St-Sinner There are probably as many adults in this world who consider themselves seriously damaged as a result of their parents staying together as there are those who see there parents separation a benefit.
Often those damaged are damaged as a result of ostracisation by society indoctrinated with religious beliefs - look at the damage caused by birth control denial & the Catholic church.

@FrayedBear

"... adults in this world who consider themselves seriously damaged as a result of their parents staying together..."

It is a cultural view. Where I grew up, we never leave parents homes, parents die in our homes and my mother took her last breath in my come in Connecticut. Our daughter never slept in a separate bedroom until 12 and never ever had a baby sitter. I would not have it any other way. But that again my view is shaped by where I grew up. It is in fact considered to be very healthy relationships. Wherever I go, I take the best from the place I live in, visit and I filter and retain the best things I grew up with. I have always liked the analogy of "life being is walking through a jungle. You do not know how the journey will be but be sure to pick beautiful flowers and avoid thorns and poisonous mushrooms."

1

i know what you're talking about

TheDoubter Level 9 Sep 23, 2020
1

World's 60% to 70% couples would answer in the affirmative. I hope you are not one of them. In India, I would call about 80% above 35 are sexless at least at home. Unlike in the West you cannot leave once you have children. The society will make your life miserable. It is horrible, so they bury themselves in customs, festivals, traditions and convince themselves it had to be that way. Also there is another angle to marriage relationship in India. People do not just marry for sex. Here are the reasons:

  1. There is a stigma to being single or divorced
  2. The majority are arranged marriages - just slapped together by parents although they are asked if he or she liked the man or women
  3. Often women feel complete after getting a man and hold a big pride out of dressing up and showing off at family functions because they want to fit in
  4. Bollywood movies are highly responsible - firstly people flock to the movies as an escape from reality and at the same time, movies idolize stereotypes of model man and woman. People dream and emulate that in life. Young people dream of elaborated marriages with traditions, song and dance and big attendance, videos, photos (similar to Western girls' wanting of social wedding, pictures, showing off a rock a finger and being eager to share photos/videos on Facebook). The show off and public perception first, reality next... lol
  5. People marry into joint families, divorces can be very ugly, both families and the whole extended network gets involved. Read this story on BBC today of 1700s [bbc.com]
  6. Men's miseries are also highly underreported everywhere. Men don't cry, complain and go to the law but they die early as we all know it
  7. Once you have children, the deal is done no matter how bad the marriage is - verbal and physical abuse, beating, overworking, coming from a well do family, working for in laws, joint family and getting thrown into misery and poverty for women are common
  8. The land is very religious - 98% of all charity goes to religion, superstitions, old beliefs are high
  9. Divorce is viewed as a "from a frying pan into fire" experience
  10. India today is ranked as the worst place for mothers and most dangerous for women - above Somalia and Afghanistan

Just check Google. Don't take my word for it.

The immaturity, naivete and stupidity in young men and women is common in every land around the world. The US is no exception. I could write a book about it. Hormones in the young age make you confuse a lot of things with love. The degree of of it all is just different everywhere.

St-Sinner Level 9 Sep 23, 2020
2

Yeah ex wife was that just cold, nightmare

bobwjr Level 9 Sep 23, 2020
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