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A thought just came across my mind looking back at many failed romances and even friendships...

Can one truly experience intimacy if you realize it was never actually reciprocated back to you? A lot of people are very superficial and want to believe what they give is intimacy, yet it is them just going through the motions. Like an actor in a movie. It really looks genuine but in reality it isn't... So even if you give your all, if the other person's actions aren't actually heart felt then it really isn't intimacy, right?

jvenus 6 Jan 5
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It has to be mutual. It also has to be something you're equally capable of giving as well as receiving, and that comes from knowing and trusting yourself.

bleurowz Level 8 Jan 8, 2019

True intimacy requires complete vulnerability.

Vulnerability leaves you unguarded, unprotected, and a target for users, abusers, and predators.

Be open to connection. But “intimacy” and “vulnerability” are just lie sold to you by those that seek to use you for their own gain.

If you are seeking ulnerable intimacy, then you need to ask what lies your family and society and even you ave been telling yourself, and believing.

Let go of the lies, and you can begin to see more clearly, and live in reality. When you come to grips with the fact that we are all truly alone, THEN you are ready for healthy connections. NOT illusions.

I know I’m going to get tons of comments about how I’m just a loser, probably got hurt, I’ll be alone, etc.

it’s all part of the lies one faces when one speaks truth. No one wants to hear it.

This is your reality. I won't try to convince you that you are wrong. I will say that I have found intimacy many times by making myself vulnerable. Sometimes I get hurt, but I eventually heal. Sometimes I get taken advantage of, but I learn valuable lessons in doing so. Not everyone is out to get me. Sometimes I find genuine feelings reciprocated and that level of intimacy when we are both open to it, is a thing of beauty. Having experienced it more than once, I know that it isn't an illusion.


Romantic love is a fantasy, no more real than god.

That doesn’t mean life and relationships are necessarily empty or unfulfilling.


One can give intimacy but as you stated, if one does not receive a genuine opening up from their partner, then no you will not experience intimacy.

Nukdookum Level 8 Jan 6, 2019

Story of my life like yours.....intimacy = giving = love ....of all those "others""failures" gave so little compared to how "WE" "gave our all"....... that is why I am trying so hard here in agnosticland standing for old fashioned courtship, engagement and marriage INSTEAD OF "dating"....= semi sorta coy half hearted modified limited hangout friendship and romantic rare interludes. ....starting out real and honest is my plan and I shall not compromise my sexual ethics for the FACADE OF INTIMACY acting for 2 hours like a movie "our" relationship = "real".....thank you for posting this LOOK BACK as I look forward to love that lasts 60 more years as the oldest lovers on earth


Intimacy requires reciprocity. If the feelings or vulnerability are one-sided, intimacy cannot exist.

UUNJ Level 8 Jan 5, 2019

I would not say a lot of people are superficial, rather a lot of people have their own hang ups and insecurities that they do not know how to let the other person in. It is like the difference between having small talk with someone compared to having a deep conversation. Some people go through life never letting anyone truly know them and in that they never know real intimacy. I think it takes both for real intimacy, if one sided the one doing all the giving and is getting nothing back, that is not intimacy.

I agree with you fully. As we experience hurts (not just in intimate relationships) , which just comes with getting older, we create stronger barriers to protect our inner selves from future hurt. The weird part is that we then hurt behind the barriers anyway, as we long for connection. So, the advances we may make towards others might be filled with insecurities, lack of confidence and certainty, not fully trusting, and being afraid of potential hurt. That is then interpreted as being aloof, not wanting intimacy, or commitment phobic.
I'm not saying this happens with everyone, but it does happen.


it's intimacy s long as you feel it is. but the feeling can end if you realize the other's deceit.


For some reason your story reminded me of a woman who for years of marriage and after believed what her husband had told her about her getting crabs from the toilet seat used by his cousin when he visited. She was eventually convinced of the greater likelihood by a counsellor that she needed.

Ignorance plays a major role. I have long held that school curricula are deficient of two very important subjects - interpersonal relationships and child nurturing.

@jvenus I don't identify atm what in your narrative triggered my response dredged from a 30 year old memory other than the relationship of the woman having been infected by her husband's crabs was in my opinion one lacking in intimacy. Lying whether by deceitfully telling that that is not correct or simply by ommission is not conducive to intimacy.

@jvenus the woman with crabs was ignorant on the subject of sexual ailments. Most people are ignorant on interpersonal relationships and child nurturing. Two of Henry Ford's great attributes were that he knew that he did not know everything so employed others to cover his deficiencies and secondly he made sure that they reported to him the knowledge that he needed to effect decision and appropriate action.

@jvenus it sounds like a book to look out for. Thanks for the heads up. I've just contacted my supplier.


My first though on your post hit me when I read "A lot of people are very superficial " , I immediately question that.. most people in my life that I would consider 'intimate' I never felt it was superficial..
can it happen? of course.. but in my experience it was pretty rare..

hippydog Level 8 Jan 5, 2019

@jvenus " Intimacy to them was forcing me into gender roles I didn't like and treating me like an object in general, not just sexually."..

Well, once you are aware of an issue , you can start taking steps to make things better..
Hopefully your future ratio well now fall on "actually intimate " and fulfilling side ?

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