What’s wrong with someone wanting to be rescued? Sometimes that’s exactly what people need. There’s also people with lots of love to give who don’t mind being there for someone else besides themselves, and enjoy the gratitude. In the past, people would sneer and say “That’s codependent! That’s enabling!” But research says no, that’s actually healthy interdependence. As long as everyone is getting their needs met, and isn’t resentful about it, why judge?

@ejbman to a certain point that's true. I remember being a new widow and being in so much pain that I wanted someone to stop that pain. That's not fair to place that burden on someone else's shoulders. I had to work through my grief before I had something to offer. Another example would be a man that I dated for a very short time. He was already professing his love for me. When I didn't respond in the fashion that he was expecting, he immediately moved on to someone else that same week and began love bombing her. I'm not saying it's not healthy to reach out to others for help, and if that relationship develops into something more that's great. I have a neighbor whose sister has a drug problem and is about to be evicted from her home. Unfortunately my neighbor's advice to her sister was to join a dating site and try to find a man. I personally think that was terrible advice. Now maybe that man is just looking for someone to satisfy his immediate needs and this relationship might work , but it certainly is not the kind of relationship that I think is healthy.

@Kojaksmom I think you may be too hard on yourself about wanting help with the burden of your pain at being a widow at the time you felt it. Why isn’t it ok to ask someone to help you with your pain? Yes, it can be unhelpful to use the excitement of new relationship to avoid feeling pain, but I see no problem asking someone else for help, as long as they know what they are signing up for and are ok with it. No harm, no foul.

As for the love bomb guy, yeah, that sounds like a person also using the excitement of new relationships to avoid pain. Kind of fits the narcissism pattern. But even that can be helped with the right relationship and the right partner. Even narcissistic people don’t ask to be that way and need help. And I don’t think it’s always true that only professional help is what’s needed. It takes a special person to handle a narcissist for sure, but I don’t think shaming them for their wounds is right. I think everything in interpersonal relationships requires a balance of compassion and accountability. Too much compassion can be ineffective and lead to resentment and too much accountability is shaming. But the amount of each you have to give also reflects on you and not just them.

As for the neighbor finding a man, again it depends on the approach: is it to avoid feeling the pain of the daughter’s drug problem or is it to honestly seek help and support? I don’t think there can be anything wrong with the latter.

@ejbman again, help is help but why seek help from a romantic relationship? Why not seek help. For instance, I would love to find a relationship but instead I'm seeking a roommate to help me pay the bills. I'm not seeking a romantic relationship for my financial benefit

I agree it's possible to remain unconscious and keep running a negative pattern over and over without learning or growing from it. On the other hand, even that eventually dawns on a person - they just have to go through it often enough until they get the message.

@ejbman In an ideal world, yes. Not everyone gets the message.

@JackPedigo I agree, rescuing someone who needs rescuing sometimes does work out, however, it's much more common to get stuck in a bad situation. I ran into that with my last roommate. I considered him a friend, and we had history, but He was a recovering alcoholic. Although he did attend meetings twice a week and did not drink the best way to describe him was a non-drinking alcoholic. He exhibited many of the characteristics that alcoholics have. He was unable to work through problems, unrealistic about finances and also was very opportunistic. recovering alcoholics and people with mental conditions have to put themselves first and manage their problems before they should think about a relationship. Oftentimes, finding an enabler is exactly what they are looking for.

I think it’s better to admit that we don’t have what it takes to be there for someone who needs us than to blame them for having needs, even if those needs seem “high”. We all have needs, and deserve to have them fulfilled.

The founder of attachment theory, John Bowlby, said that there is no overdependence on the one hand nor true independence on the other, only effective or ineffective dependence.

Codependency is a myth: [motivationandchange.com]

@ejbman The one missing element in all this is that sometimes these people's 'issues' do not just affect the two of you. My wife admitted she hurt others (but god made her that way so he understands). She said she wouldn't take meds or go to counseling as all the doctors wanted was to get into her pants (she had several affairs so obviously someone was). In the end our daughter suffered greatly. The alcoholic also harmed others by her behavior. I think it is far better to walk away from someone with excessive 'needs' than to try and fix them.

@ejbman, @Kojaksmom I have to laugh when I hear 'recovering alcoholic'. My former partner went through detox and became a wonderful, amazing person. Later, she relapsed and took on the Ms. Hyde personality. She became super paranoid and took me to court (this was just after the OJ Simpson issue) on the grounds she felt threatened. She said she was a recovering alcoholic. In court (before a black, female judge) I said she was not recovering but active. I also said I had never physically nor verbally threatened her and that I felt I was living with a sailor as I got called every name in the book and, even though she was much smaller than I, she often pushed me. Amazingly she admitted this was true and the case got thrown out. Perhaps just plain alcoholic should be used without any adjective.

One problem with enabling is that once you start to do that you become an excuse and blame for their addictions.

I think that depends entirely on the audience. Perhaps it's a good litmus test to see if the person is capable of handling you as you are.