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It is an established fact that my wife does not crave physical intimacy like I do. Am I doing something wrong? Or can I do something different/better?

By phil217
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Why are you asking a random group of people it would surely be better to have an open honest and frank discussion with your wife she is after all the most likely one to know

weeman Level 7 July 19, 2018

So, take her out of the house. A weekend in a nice hotel in her favorite nearby (or not) city, country, whatever, might help to get those "pesky" ears out of her consciousness, so she can relax and enjoy herself. And, of course, you might even do some wining and dining and stuff that constitute her style of foreplay. Showing of affection hardly ever hurts relationships. And, if it could help, let her have her way with you!

mkeaman Level 6 Apr 26, 2018

I divorced a narcissist who used "sexual anorexia" as a manipulation tool over our 20 years together. Yes, there are far less extreme reasons for intimacy disparities none of which can you fix for someone who doesn't see it as broken or worth fixing. You didn't create it and you can only change yourself. Divorce (and the knowledge about All Things Narcissism) came along and saved me. Sexual compatibility is something I will not compromise on moving forward. I wish I had an easier or more positive response to give.

Helga Level 4 Apr 22, 2018

I am in the same situation, Phil, and from my perspective there isn't anything you are doing wrong. My wife needs to become "the bionic woman" (many joint and arthritis issues), and sex with her is a nowhere situation.

gpspirit34009 Level 4 Apr 14, 2018

Lol. I am reminded of a butcher whom I met about 30 years and knew for a couple of weeks. He told me that he was a gambler and after a successful Saturday afternoon would go home to family dinner dutifully cooked by his wife. When food had been served and eating commenced he would casually draw a waste of money $500-$1000 out of his pocket and lay it in front of her plate saying "Here love, go and spend this on yourself and how about earning it by giving me a good time tonight".
He couldn't understand why she was divorcing him!

FrayedBear Level 9 Apr 14, 2018

Not enough info provided to give advice. When an older woman suddenly Loses all desire for sexual activity, it's time to see a doctor. It may be menopause.

Kojaksmom Level 8 Apr 14, 2018

I guess I didn't explain it well. It isn't sudden. It has been more or less exactly like this for more than 30 years.

@phil21 if that's the case, it's complicated. More than likely emotional. The only thing that could change things is probably counseling. After 30 years however ,even that may not be of much help


I don't see how old you are, and whether you have children. Is she exhausted by the demands of taking care of you and the children? Is there any chance she is angry with you? I agree with the other respondents, ask her!

HippieChick58 Level 9 Apr 13, 2018

Are you ASKING your wife, sir? This may seem too obvious yet people are all different. IE. Mr. Smith thinks Mrs. Jones is GREAT in bed; Mr. Jones thinks she is a yawn. People also have different levels of need, both for physical space and for touch. An 'established' fact... Hmm... Who established this, I wonder? Are there unspoken assumptions? Have you tried counseling or even a sexual surrogate? Did your wife ever respond well to you or better? These are perhaps questions to ask her as well as yourself... no? She may need hormone therapy, some sex toys, an inspiration, a love letter... Physical intimacy begins with words as much as anything else --or laughing! Communication is essential.

LetzGetReal Level 8 Apr 13, 2018

Yes on counseling, no on surrogate. I think I've done more than my fair share of trying to keep it ALIVE. I admit, I guess I have more or less given up. I was hoping y'all had a magic spell or something.


Sexual intimacy, well all of sex in my case, is in the mind. Protect her standing with everyone. She must feel totally safe in every way with you and appreciated.

Here's another part I really blew, she must feel secure and that she has some key element of control over you, that you are in some way dependent on her. If you don't need her why should she be there. I wish I'd solved that one.

Her subconscious knows that she pays for your support and protection with sex, fortunately her conscious doesn't know that.

Oh and something nobody ever told me until 2014, you are responsible for her happiness.

Those are just the easy ones (joke).

I think those are most of the places I went wrong, there could be more

McIntyre Level 6 Apr 13, 2018

POSH. That is codependency...

@LetzGetReal Yeah, I think we got that bad.


Major question: Has she always been this way or is it a recent change?

MrLizard Level 8 Apr 13, 2018

Pretty much since we got engaged.

@phil21 You might try counseling, but since she didn't change, you may just be "stuck" with a woman who just isn't into it.

@MrLizard For a long time I blamed her. Then I'd blame me. Now, I just realize we are different. Trying to make the best of it.


Start with communication. Counseling might no hurt.

lbusche Level 7 Apr 13, 2018

Been to counseling. I won't even talk about sex anymore in counseling. What is there to talk about?

@phil21 you must love your wife if you stayed this long with a perennial problems that you have. Perhaps you should try and figure out what it is about her that you love, and try to improve your relationship as a whole.

@Kojaksmom Hmmm. Again, playing amateur therapist, I'd say it was more out of guilt and a sense of responsibility.

@phil21 im sorry you're having such big problems with your relationship.


It's possible there is something you can do and possible there isn't. There is much evidence that the human race is not all that monogamous. Once new relationship energy (NRE) wears off it can be very difficult to cultivate passion for the same mate. Or you may be fucking things up! lol
Has she always been this way? Is there religious indoctrination in either of your past? Have you talked to her about it? Maybe a good therapist? Maybe a book or two?

EB80 Level 5 Apr 13, 2018

If I were to play amateur psychologist, I'd say it was growing up in a house without a father and with a mother who never had any physical contact with any man not a relative.


My first question is if this is something that important to you and she's not willing to hear that. Why are you still married?

Why am I still married. I dunno. I really don't things will get better. Maybe when the kids move out. She can't seem to bear the idea of doing it when anyone else is in the house.

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