My partner, Parvin, was a bigger member of the community than I so when she died the community adopted more of me. The morning of her death a group of friends kidnapped me and we spent the day kayaking. They wouldn't let me off the meal train (as she had made so many meals for people they wanted to give back). There were some that avoided me (they said they wanted to give me space and I said I didn't want it.) Sometimes, you have to stay involved and not cry in you beer (I know it's hard and I did some of that myself). We both agreed that since we don't live in Greece (where the wives often adopt their son - married or not) or in India (where wives sometimes throw themselves on the funeral pyre) that we should minimize grieving (I was told by knowledgeable friends that she would have given me 2 weeks) and get on with our lives. If you love someone you want what's best for them and she felt the same for me. The idea of her grieving (which would be laughable) for a long time would have made my death worse.
However, we both had been in previous relationships, did not have kids together, were married for only 16 years and basically were very close and committed friends with benefits (legal and physical).

I think, in the beginning, just going about my daily life was a lie. I remember the first time I bought groceries after Henry's death. Just going through the motions like everyone else but only I knew my whole foundation had crumbled and I was holding on by a thread. Maybe the 'lie' or pretense is necessary to get us through those early days as we try to accept our new normal. I only wish everyone knew what I learned and valued their spouses more. I see so many cold, indifferent partnerships and am sad that they don't treasure each other for whatever trivial reason.

I disagree completely with this. I have been widowed and also just two weeks ago tragically lost my 41 year old son. I have never felt I needed to pretend to smile when I wanted to cry. My friends and family have been wonderful and are helping me to come to terms with my loss, but I am still managing to smile at things and am not in a state of abject grief all the time. We owe it to ourselves not to let the grief control us, it would be easy for me to just walllow in it and never smile again, but life is for living and going forward, not keeping dwelling on what we have lost. I went singing with my choir friends yesterday, they said it was brave, but it wasn’t really...it was how I needed to get normality back into my life as soon as possible. The alternative, of sitting at home and being alone with my thoughts and internalising my grief was unthinkable to me. I had a few wobbly moments yesterday, but being with my friends helped and comforted me, I never felt at any time that I had to pretend that I wasn’t grieving.

My face correctly matches my feelings whatever they are ATM