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For men on dating sites. A woman recently posted on here that it makes her uncomfortable when men message her for the first time and say hey baby, hey sexy, or hey beautiful.

I totally and completely get why it makes her uncomfortable. I have tried to constructively respond to some of the men who disagree with her....to maybe help them understand why a woman may feel it’s derogatory. Needless to say, I’ve been berated by those men to the point of being accused of not enjoying sex (what?!?!).

So men, my question is this, if your very first message to a woman is “hey sexy,” what are your intentions? 1) are you looking for a relationship? 2) just looking for sex? 3) do you actually think that is a compliment? 4) are you aware that women, even model perfect women, have brain and can think and carry on an intellectual conversation?

By Marcie1974
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70 comments

11

I would think that reading her bio and striking up a conversation based on mutual interests would be a better approach? I dunno, I'm hopeless at this stuff.

MrBeelzeebubbles Level 7 Nov 27, 2018
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But you have a beard...so you get extra points!

Umm you definitely aren’t hopeless. What you said is spot on! I don’t expect flowery poetry on a first message. But it’s not difficult to say: I see you like music, I too like music.

Perfect

10

But we are supposed to be grateful to men for finding us attractive. He meant it as a compliment so we’re just being rude/judgmental/a bitch for not taking it as he wants us to. We don’t we just loosen up and appreciate being objectified? 🙄

A2Jennifer Level 7 Nov 26, 2018
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I'll go out on a limb and suggest that most men are flattered by being objectified and take it as a compliment, and therefore feel that women must like it too.

I mean, shit, objectify the hell out of me.

It's not meant as a compliment... it's about power and inserting themselves into a woman's life whenever they want to

Tongue in cheek ? Boys will not understand your post

hello

@maturin1919 so, the same reason men think women want unsolicited dick pics.

@A2Jennifer I have been to many coffee meet and greets where the woman has told me the penis pic stories. Unsolicited and uninvited, without consent, it is a form of sexual harassment at best, and a form of sexual assault at the worst. Slap them all.

@A2Jennifer Precisely. Show me one guy who would be offended by unsolicited tit pics.

And I'm not condoning the behavior, just spitballing about the mentality.

Edited

@PalacinkyPDX Why does everything have some deeper, nefarious plot to you? Maybe SOME are trying to control, but I'd bet dollars to donuts MOST are just trying to get their dicks wet.

Edited

@A2Jennifer maybe these dickheads want a Hustler labia spread photo in return ?....They objectify themselves clueless they would not like being centerfolds themselves hung up on a greasy mechanic or snow plow shop by aggressive women

9

I'd agree on some level. But really... you don't have to respond to every message AND you don't have to take anything personally. Keep these two things in mind and you'll be a lot happier! 🙂

pepperjones Level 8 Nov 27, 2018
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Hi Peeper, Howz the weather up north? Any damage?

@Bendog by the time I got home tonight I looked like a drowned cat, lol. It's a little wet

@pepperjones I had to come home early. The road to OS floods sometimes.

I don’t respond to every message and I don’t take everything personally. My op was in response to another posting by a woman who was further degraded by a few select men. One of whom sent me a disgusting message (prior to her post) about what he wanted to do to my pussy. Admittedly I should have just blocked him and moved on.....for some dumb reason I think I can “help” men like that understand that women are more than holes for them to stick their dick into.

You’re right, blocking and moving on would be the smarter thing to do

@Marcie1974 hey Marcie, chill baby. You read my other comment and even liked it. I'm actually on your side... maybe I should rephrase this to "one doesn't have to..." instead of you?

But here's what you showed... you responded several times to comments/ messages/ people that you tried to gently educate or enlighten when you didn't necessarily have to and you indeed took this particular incident personally in a sea of 55k random internet people. (To be fair, just a few ding dongs) And you responded to a private message that you deemed inappropriate instead of reporting it and blocking it.... so im gonna stand by my comment.

@pepperjones oh no....I didn't meant to sound defensive in my previous response. I know you are on my side. I just sometimes try to be overly helpful....even to people that I should know better that they don't want to be or are unwilling to be helped. So thank you for calling me out on it. I sometimes need that otherwise I get my undies in a bundle over stupid crap that I should just let go. I can be just a wee bit sensitive (ya think!).

Some of it depends upon how my day has gone. Occasionally I'll respond to crude messages with something equally crude just to mess with them. Completely immature, I know. Other times I'll just ignore the message. But every once in a while they'll catch me when I'm in a certain mood and I actually think I can enlighten them. Gosh, even typing that makes me cringe! LOL

So yeah, thanks again for the reminder to let that shit go smile009.gif

@Marcie1974 Marcie, I think your a sweet person. Your grace is astounding. Don't bother with another rude or inappropriate text; you feed the beast when you do. Either theirs... or yours.

Stay strong sunshine! 💜

@pepperjones I've been accused of being "too nice." Which I never understood....like wouldn't that be a good thing? But then I realized I am sometimes taken advantage of or get my feelings hurt too easily and the lightbulb clicked on for me.

hello

9

I went back to review the back and forth to which you referred. The debates were not worth your time or energy - best to ignore their comments. Sometimes it's best to let people's comments stand on their own to show their ignorance without having to point it out.

Hihi Level 6 Nov 26, 2018
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Yeah, I tend to get sucked into that crap hoping to tactfully educate people. Obviously I haven’t learned from experience yet

@Marcie1974 lol I get it

@Hihi, @Marcie1974 I just went and read your rumblings too... the main two antagonists are just clueless. From their other posts and comments and arguments I gather they're highly desirable and sought after... ugh. Babygirl, just shake your head and walk away from the idiocy!

Edited

hello

helo

8

So very true...but tell me I have a beautiful mind and I'll swoon.

Amzungu2 Level 5 Nov 27, 2018
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One of the best compliments a guy gave me was that he thought I was really smart. Part of it was the look on his face when he said it. Definitely swoon-worthy

I tried to cast you in my movie remake A BEAUTIFUL MIND with other reparte'

8

Why would anyone who doesn't even know you talk in such a way? Personally, I don't know and I don't care. It's immature and makes them look stupid imo. Block.

daylily Level 7 Nov 27, 2018
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Agreed

8

I fully agree with you.
For men to use those terms (particularly with people they aren't yet familiar) is both objectifying and infantalizing. Whether they are aware of this dynamic or not, it emphasizes and attempts to solidify the power dynamic where he has more power than her.
Far better to use names.

Shelter68 Level 3 Nov 27, 2018
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8

Addressing a woman this way is similar enough to catcalls from a construction worker as we walk along the street. I would feel much more positive about a man who simply states that he found my profile bio interesting. It's already obvious that he wasn't turned off by my picture if he's bothering to message me, so it'd be nicer to be told that my appearance isn't the only value he sees in me.

Deb57 Level 7 Nov 27, 2018
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Well said

8

Just because the men on this site are non believers who supposedly think for themselves, and hopefully more evolved, it doesn't mean that there aren't some classless macho idiots among them. Not everyone knows how to speak and address a lady. Sorry for what they said to you.

noworry28 Level 7 Nov 26, 2018
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What he said.

You are my new hero!!

7

I'd rather the men approach me in whatever manner comes naturally to them. Gives me an idea of who they are and where they are coming from.

It's aggravating when the first three times you meet a person they are textbook perfect, then suddenly they are someone else once their guard is down. Give me the real deal up front and save both of us time and energy.

KissedbySun Level 7 Nov 27, 2018
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Oh gosh I know exactly what you mean about them being different in person! That's annoying too

7

I think sometimes men just throw something, anything out there, sort of like fishing, and then see what they can catch with it. So using hey baby or hey sexy most likely works with some women, otherwise you would never see it. In my opinion, it's more of a reflection of the family, culture, and norms the male was raised in, as well as, personality.

To a certain extent, we've all been raised with these so-called norms. For dating, the norm is that men pursue women. I do realize that with feminism, this may have changed some, but I think for the most part it still exists today. If men are going to do the majority of pursuing, you're going to have a lot of different styles and techniques.

I say ignore the Hey baby's and Hey sexy's and pay attention to the men who talk to you in a manner that you prefer.

linxminx Level 6 Nov 27, 2018
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7

Sad...! The fact that they can’t see that you are trying to improve their chances by changing their approach is even sadder!! Some men are just Neanderthals.

Marionville Level 8 Nov 27, 2018
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7

On the flip side, what was the best "first message" you recieved?

larrydotcom Level 4 Nov 27, 2018
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Nice way to flip the narrative! I enjoy when a man shows his interest with intentions and specific plans to meet. Both parties should take note of the info in the profile and explore more. That’s obvious and that’s dating.

You seem interesting. Let’s meet on Saturday (3-4 days away) for lunch in your town and see if we have more than our profiles in common!

A bit witty, thoughtful planning and gives us plenty of time to text, talk before.

My current SO first messaged me with only the intent to be friends. We got to really know and value one another before we got involved and it's a much better way to start a relationship imo. We honestly like one another and enjoy time together and it's the most positive relationship I've had.
My takeaway here is that getting to know someone well before sex comes into play makes for a happier relationship.

Edited

Great question! I don’t remember verbatim but just something referencing either books/reading or music.

I assume that some women don’t actually write anything? Or at least I know a lot of men don’t. It’s difficult to write a first message then, especially if their pictures don’t make it obvious what their interests are. On the flip side, I’ve seen profiles that are a dozen long paragraphs. I don’t mean to sound overly picky but seriously, it’s not difficult to list a couple hobbies and maybe say what you’re looking for.

7

Hassling women on the street, or this behavior online isn't about making connections with women... it's about control and those guys feeling powerful.

PalacinkyPDX Level 7 Nov 27, 2018
Reply

You really keep pounding away at the whole control angle. Maybe that's your POV - to me it's just some horn-dog trying to find some easy piece of ass. Nothing nefarious, just about finding someone willing to play

  1. Hide the salamie
  2. Taking ol' one eye to the optomtrist
  3. Put the Hot Dog in the Bun
  4. Tom cat on the prowel - Meeeeooowww
  5. Taking the ol log to the beaver

Sorry, that's all the sex references I got from Grumpy Old Men lol

hello

6

Hi 'Miracle' (still need my specs on). I completely agree. Its creepy and weird.

Amisja Level 7 Nov 27, 2018
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'Hi Jayne (that's me btw), I am interested in your bio, especially what about paleo-anthropology interests you the most and how has this informed your agnostic views?'

Oh my gosh I’m so tempted to change my name!! Lol

@Marcie1974 you need to Miracle smile009.gif

hello

6

I don't use that online in text, but have actually had women in dating chats start out with that. I would ask do you think all they are being derogatory and objectifying me as a man with that? Probably not, but welcome to the double standard world of dating. Also, when I first started dating, I would pour over the pics and read every part of the bio, write up a thoughtful first text and spend 30 min on trying to get some stranger, who is probably getting 20-30 texts a day to notice me in all the noise.

NOTE - the following YOU isn't directed at you personally, it's toward any woman online Im interacting with - so please don't take it as a personal attack

Now I typically send a "Hey, nice pics and profile. How are you doing?" I still read the profiles, and typically won't respond to just pics w/o something interesting to me that's telling about them in the bio, but I don't waste near as much time on complete strangers whom may not be interested nor even remotely interesting! Having nothing beyond a good pic that's possibly 5-10 years old and some chip on the shoulder bio isn't enough to get me excited about you. I put effort in my pics and bio so you can read about me and get a sense of who I am, but I don't expect you (nor want you) to get all wrapped up in me from just online interaction. I'm a pretty awesome person IMO, and you might be also, but I only put in as much work as I feel the woman is willing to put in towards me. Your vagina doesn't make you special IMO, and if you put off a vibe that I should think you are just b/c you have one...sorry, I got better things to do with my hands than typing to you (like playing guitar - get your mind out of the gutter pervie smile007.gif ) !!! smile002.gif

jondspen Level 7 Nov 27, 2018
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Right on Bro! I have been on other dating sites where women are provided 'canned' intros and greetings to men, and personally when I see "Hey there" and nothing else, I usually conclude that woman is scared or shallow. I want assertive and smart.

@CoastRiderBill Ehhh...I will give them a sentence or two to get things going, but if the text conversation is boring or bland, I lose interest quick. I know there are women that have had bad, and even scary, interactions with people online, so I try to keep my judgements in check. Maybe they are just shy, bad communicators online, bad experience with a stalker, etc. I agree though...I will cut some slack, but if it looks like I have to coddle their fragile emotions before even meeting on a first date...I'm out. We all have baggage, but at this point in the interaction I'm not willing to carry her's for her.

Edited

Nothing wrong at all with your usual opening line. And you were doing pretty good here too, until you started blaming the vagina. :-/

I get that men deal with stupid crap in dating sites as well. I wasn’t trying to downplay that, I was responding to someone else’s post and the derogatory comments a few men made.

If a guy has very little or no info on his profile, I’ll send him almost exactly the same message you stated.

I think what is so frustrating for women (again, I understand men have their things they have to deal with), is being seen as just body parts by some men.

@daylily How did I blame the vagina? I said the vagina doesn't automatically make someone special...and yes, I have dated and been told first hand stories about women who seem to think this. So you are saying that I am wrong that there are women who go on first dates and think they should be pandered to like a princess, just b/c they are a woman? That's odd...b/c I know guys that think they are superior b/c they have a penis, and in fact, see the same comments from women on here about men in general (not just a sub-group of grade A a-holes).

@Marcie1974 Sure...I absolutely get that...and realize that for many women, that may be the majority of online interactions. I'm not saying I don't stereotype women based on their profile or pics, I am just stating that one or two initial sentences shouldn't be a deal breaker. None of us should allow ourselves to get that jaded, myself included, which is why I take a break when I start to slide towards the dark side. I know you only get one chance to make a first impression, so it's important to try and do well. But dating sucks exponentially as you get older, and we should try and cut each other some slack. It's suppose to be somewhat fun and exciting after all...

Edited
6

Nicely put!
Guys, Ask yourself: Exactly how many actual dates do those whistling construction workers get?...be one, get Nothing!

AnneWimsey Level 8 Nov 26, 2018
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Good point!

It's not about a date or connection, it's about power and inserting themselves into a woman's life whenever they want. It's a lot like guys who expose themselves to women... they get a charge from the reaction.

hello

5

At first contact I think a woman would be more open and receptive is she felt respected and safe. I think a good opening line would be something funny to get a laugh. But I'm no comedian so I just try to convey an interest in her (what she thinks or what she is interested in).

dare2dream Level 7 Nov 27, 2018
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I think you have the right idea. It's better than "hi baby, you are so sexy, I want to hold you tight." lol

5

Completely agree. That's not the way to initiate a conversation, even a potential sexual 'hook-up'.

kmdskit3 Level 8 Nov 27, 2018
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5

Wow, what a great conversation!! Read all of these posts! I really understood everyone’s POV. I feel like if you’re ”here” you have found your tribe! ❤️

yogafan108 Level 7 Nov 27, 2018
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5

A few months ago I made a similar post kindly reminding women about men who try to manipulate them for sexual voyeurism using various kinds of supposedly honest inquiries and polls. Wow, was I criticized. I was accused of being patronizing, 'mansplaining' and not giving adult women credit for being smart enough and having the life experience to figure that out, among other things. That was never my intention. The kicks were so numerous I deleted the post. It seems I may remember that you laughed at me too. Maybe I am wrong. Nonetheless, this is 'womansplaining'. We're all adults here and men and women are both smart enough to figure it out... at least that's what I was told by both men and women regarding my old post. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

P.S. I always take the high road and regard women as persons of dignity and worth. Even if sometimes their opinions are flawed. Then I will criticize the opinion, and not the person.

CoastRiderBill Level 7 Nov 26, 2018
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I apologize if I laughed at you. I’m just shocked and amazed that so many men don’t get why starting a conversation with “hey sexy” is appropriate or even remotely complimentary

@Marcie1974 Some men are lazy and can't be bothered. Some men were raised in homes where such courtesy was never modeled by a parent. It takes development and refinement of mind and character to approach and communicate with women sensitively and intuitively. In my early 20's I started reading books and attending lectures and workshops by feminist authors, therapists and psychologists regarding women and their selves, how they think, how they feel, how they observe, how they solve problems, etc. I continued that for years. It is work, and again, many men cannot be bothered.

Edited

@CoastRiderBill

Exactly. I appreciate what you wrote.

EXCEPT - that women go through life needing to understand the perspective of men, in order to function in a society built by and for men, and to be able to be safe. Men do NOT experience any imperative to understand the perspective of women and are often surprised/angry/defensive when confronted with the female experience.

4

And please do not immediately ask for a cell number, and email addy, etc. Women, if they do ask this, expect the requisite dick pic when you do give the info. It's the male equivalent of a cat bringing you a dead bird....guys? Just don't do this, please!!!! Or be offended that we're offended if you do.

Larimar Level 3 Nov 30, 2018
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Boys are obsessed with penis erections and prEying for vagina time. ....real MEN want private space to communicate. ....sorry there are so few of us men and so many boys wanting to penetrate

@GreenAtheist And men are visual. The problem is that many men do not realize or maybe remember that women are not. A man that can pique my interest is one that presents challenging ideas and great conversation. Engage the mind and the body follows in a hurry.

@Larimar I must be a woman trapped in a manly body. ...I always read the Playboy articles the centerfolds stolen or sold by my brothers

Edited
4

Getting around to your question... I don't use terms like that, but I understand the overwhelming feeling of being bowled over by a woman and desperately wanting to express it. Of course some are less articulate than others, but we all have the same urge. For me, I know it's not about sex, it's about wanting to be with her, to be accepted, for those enormous feelings to be reciprocated. You have to keep in mind that for the most part men are still expected to be the initiator of relationships (and we're allowed very few venues to engage in that pursuit) and it's been that way for pretty much all of human history and we have pretty unique traits that prompt us to pursue women and it's upon those drives that nearly all 7.6 billion of us on Earth arrived here and the billions before us. So...cut us some slack, please? It's f'ing rough, take it as a compliment, however awkward or boneheaded it may come across, they like you. There are certainly less than worthy horndogs out there, but some of them may be sincere and honorable, just misguided.

josh_is_exciting Level 6 Nov 28, 2018
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Have to agree to disagree. I don’t think anyone who is sincere would open up with hey sexy.

4

I just think it's a rude thing to do to a woman.

Aggy Level 2 Nov 27, 2018
Reply
4

Friends: Joey Tribbiani's main intro was, "How ya doin'?"

Jacar Level 7 Nov 27, 2018
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exactly!

Ive heard some women do not like a terse approach and require more just to get a response.

On the flip side; Its tough for us because its a numbers game. Most messages go without response or even being read.

Im certain that there is a middle ground.

@Marcie1974 . . .and he spent most of his time alone.

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