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For men on dating sites. A woman recently posted on here that it makes her uncomfortable when men message her for the first time and say hey baby, hey sexy, or hey beautiful.

I totally and completely get why it makes her uncomfortable. I have tried to constructively respond to some of the men who disagree with her....to maybe help them understand why a woman may feel it’s derogatory. Needless to say, I’ve been berated by those men to the point of being accused of not enjoying sex (what?!?!).

So men, my question is this, if your very first message to a woman is “hey sexy,” what are your intentions? 1) are you looking for a relationship? 2) just looking for sex? 3) do you actually think that is a compliment? 4) are you aware that women, even model perfect women, have brain and can think and carry on an intellectual conversation?

By Marcie19748
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65 comments

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11

I would think that reading her bio and striking up a conversation based on mutual interests would be a better approach? I dunno, I'm hopeless at this stuff.

But you have a beard...so you get extra points!

Umm you definitely aren’t hopeless. What you said is spot on! I don’t expect flowery poetry on a first message. But it’s not difficult to say: I see you like music, I too like music.

Perfect

10

But we are supposed to be grateful to men for finding us attractive. He meant it as a compliment so we’re just being rude/judgmental/a bitch for not taking it as he wants us to. We don’t we just loosen up and appreciate being objectified? ?

I'll go out on a limb and suggest that most men are flattered by being objectified and take it as a compliment, and therefore feel that women must like it too.

I mean, shit, objectify the hell out of me.

Tongue in cheek ? Boys will not understand your post

hello

@maturin1919 so, the same reason men think women want unsolicited dick pics.

@A2Jennifer Precisely. Show me one guy who would be offended by unsolicited tit pics.

And I'm not condoning the behavior, just spitballing about the mentality.

@PalacinkyPDX Why does everything have some deeper, nefarious plot to you? Maybe SOME are trying to control, but I'd bet dollars to donuts MOST are just trying to get their dicks wet.

@A2Jennifer maybe these dickheads want a Hustler labia spread photo in return ?....They objectify themselves clueless they would not like being centerfolds themselves hung up on a greasy mechanic or snow plow shop by aggressive women

8

So very true...but tell me I have a beautiful mind and I'll swoon.

Amzungu2 Level 7 Nov 27, 2018

One of the best compliments a guy gave me was that he thought I was really smart. Part of it was the look on his face when he said it. Definitely swoon-worthy

I tried to cast you in my movie remake A BEAUTIFUL MIND with other reparte'

8

I fully agree with you.
For men to use those terms (particularly with people they aren't yet familiar) is both objectifying and infantalizing. Whether they are aware of this dynamic or not, it emphasizes and attempts to solidify the power dynamic where he has more power than her.
Far better to use names.

Shelter68 Level 4 Nov 27, 2018
8

Addressing a woman this way is similar enough to catcalls from a construction worker as we walk along the street. I would feel much more positive about a man who simply states that he found my profile bio interesting. It's already obvious that he wasn't turned off by my picture if he's bothering to message me, so it'd be nicer to be told that my appearance isn't the only value he sees in me.

Deb57 Level 7 Nov 27, 2018

Well said

8

Just because the men on this site are non believers who supposedly think for themselves, and hopefully more evolved, it doesn't mean that there aren't some classless macho idiots among them. Not everyone knows how to speak and address a lady. Sorry for what they said to you.

noworry28 Level 7 Nov 26, 2018

You are my new hero!!

7

I think sometimes men just throw something, anything out there, sort of like fishing, and then see what they can catch with it. So using hey baby or hey sexy most likely works with some women, otherwise you would never see it. In my opinion, it's more of a reflection of the family, culture, and norms the male was raised in, as well as, personality.

To a certain extent, we've all been raised with these so-called norms. For dating, the norm is that men pursue women. I do realize that with feminism, this may have changed some, but I think for the most part it still exists today. If men are going to do the majority of pursuing, you're going to have a lot of different styles and techniques.

I say ignore the Hey baby's and Hey sexy's and pay attention to the men who talk to you in a manner that you prefer.

linxminx Level 7 Nov 27, 2018
7

Sad...! The fact that they can’t see that you are trying to improve their chances by changing their approach is even sadder!! Some men are just Neanderthals.

7

On the flip side, what was the best "first message" you recieved?

Nice way to flip the narrative! I enjoy when a man shows his interest with intentions and specific plans to meet. Both parties should take note of the info in the profile and explore more. That’s obvious and that’s dating.

You seem interesting. Let’s meet on Saturday (3-4 days away) for lunch in your town and see if we have more than our profiles in common!

A bit witty, thoughtful planning and gives us plenty of time to text, talk before.

My current SO first messaged me with only the intent to be friends. We got to really know and value one another before we got involved and it's a much better way to start a relationship imo. We honestly like one another and enjoy time together and it's the most positive relationship I've had.
My takeaway here is that getting to know someone well before sex comes into play makes for a happier relationship.

Great question! I don’t remember verbatim but just something referencing either books/reading or music.

I assume that some women don’t actually write anything? Or at least I know a lot of men don’t. It’s difficult to write a first message then, especially if their pictures don’t make it obvious what their interests are. On the flip side, I’ve seen profiles that are a dozen long paragraphs. I don’t mean to sound overly picky but seriously, it’s not difficult to list a couple hobbies and maybe say what you’re looking for.

7

I don't use that online in text, but have actually had women in dating chats start out with that. I would ask do you think all they are being derogatory and objectifying me as a man with that? Probably not, but welcome to the double standard world of dating. Also, when I first started dating, I would pour over the pics and read every part of the bio, write up a thoughtful first text and spend 30 min on trying to get some stranger, who is probably getting 20-30 texts a day to notice me in all the noise.

NOTE - the following YOU isn't directed at you personally, it's toward any woman online Im interacting with - so please don't take it as a personal attack

Now I typically send a "Hey, nice pics and profile. How are you doing?" I still read the profiles, and typically won't respond to just pics w/o something interesting to me that's telling about them in the bio, but I don't waste near as much time on complete strangers whom may not be interested nor even remotely interesting! Having nothing beyond a good pic that's possibly 5-10 years old and some chip on the shoulder bio isn't enough to get me excited about you. I put effort in my pics and bio so you can read about me and get a sense of who I am, but I don't expect you (nor want you) to get all wrapped up in me from just online interaction. I'm a pretty awesome person IMO, and you might be also, but I only put in as much work as I feel the woman is willing to put in towards me. Your vagina doesn't make you special IMO, and if you put off a vibe that I should think you are just b/c you have one...sorry, I got better things to do with my hands than typing to you (like playing guitar - get your mind out of the gutter pervie smile007.gif ) !!! smile002.gif

jondspen Level 7 Nov 27, 2018

@CoastRiderBill Ehhh...I will give them a sentence or two to get things going, but if the text conversation is boring or bland, I lose interest quick. I know there are women that have had bad, and even scary, interactions with people online, so I try to keep my judgements in check. Maybe they are just shy, bad communicators online, bad experience with a stalker, etc. I agree though...I will cut some slack, but if it looks like I have to coddle their fragile emotions before even meeting on a first date...I'm out. We all have baggage, but at this point in the interaction I'm not willing to carry her's for her.

I get that men deal with stupid crap in dating sites as well. I wasn’t trying to downplay that, I was responding to someone else’s post and the derogatory comments a few men made.

If a guy has very little or no info on his profile, I’ll send him almost exactly the same message you stated.

I think what is so frustrating for women (again, I understand men have their things they have to deal with), is being seen as just body parts by some men.

@daylily How did I blame the vagina? I said the vagina doesn't automatically make someone special...and yes, I have dated and been told first hand stories about women who seem to think this. So you are saying that I am wrong that there are women who go on first dates and think they should be pandered to like a princess, just b/c they are a woman? That's odd...b/c I know guys that think they are superior b/c they have a penis, and in fact, see the same comments from women on here about men in general (not just a sub-group of grade A a-holes).

@Marcie1974 Sure...I absolutely get that...and realize that for many women, that may be the majority of online interactions. I'm not saying I don't stereotype women based on their profile or pics, I am just stating that one or two initial sentences shouldn't be a deal breaker. None of us should allow ourselves to get that jaded, myself included, which is why I take a break when I start to slide towards the dark side. I know you only get one chance to make a first impression, so it's important to try and do well. But dating sucks exponentially as you get older, and we should try and cut each other some slack. It's suppose to be somewhat fun and exciting after all...

6

Hi 'Miracle' (still need my specs on). I completely agree. Its creepy and weird.

Amisja Level 8 Nov 27, 2018

'Hi Jayne (that's me btw), I am interested in your bio, especially what about paleo-anthropology interests you the most and how has this informed your agnostic views?'

Oh my gosh I’m so tempted to change my name!! Lol

@Marcie1974 you need to Miracle smile009.gif

hello

6

Nicely put!
Guys, Ask yourself: Exactly how many actual dates do those whistling construction workers get?...be one, get Nothing!

Good point!

hello

5

At first contact I think a woman would be more open and receptive is she felt respected and safe. I think a good opening line would be something funny to get a laugh. But I'm no comedian so I just try to convey an interest in her (what she thinks or what she is interested in).

I think you have the right idea. It's better than "hi baby, you are so sexy, I want to hold you tight." lol

5

Completely agree. That's not the way to initiate a conversation, even a potential sexual 'hook-up'.

kmdskit3 Level 8 Nov 27, 2018
5

Wow, what a great conversation!! Read all of these posts! I really understood everyone’s POV. I feel like if you’re ”here” you have found your tribe! ❤️

4

And please do not immediately ask for a cell number, and email addy, etc. Women, if they do ask this, expect the requisite dick pic when you do give the info. It's the male equivalent of a cat bringing you a dead bird....guys? Just don't do this, please!!!! Or be offended that we're offended if you do.

Larimar Level 4 Nov 30, 2018

Boys are obsessed with penis erections and prEying for vagina time. ....real MEN want private space to communicate. ....sorry there are so few of us men and so many boys wanting to penetrate

@GreenAtheist And men are visual. The problem is that many men do not realize or maybe remember that women are not. A man that can pique my interest is one that presents challenging ideas and great conversation. Engage the mind and the body follows in a hurry.

@Larimar I must be a woman trapped in a manly body. ...I always read the Playboy articles the centerfolds stolen or sold by my brothers

4

Getting around to your question... I don't use terms like that, but I understand the overwhelming feeling of being bowled over by a woman and desperately wanting to express it. Of course some are less articulate than others, but we all have the same urge. For me, I know it's not about sex, it's about wanting to be with her, to be accepted, for those enormous feelings to be reciprocated. You have to keep in mind that for the most part men are still expected to be the initiator of relationships (and we're allowed very few venues to engage in that pursuit) and it's been that way for pretty much all of human history and we have pretty unique traits that prompt us to pursue women and it's upon those drives that nearly all 7.6 billion of us on Earth arrived here and the billions before us. So...cut us some slack, please? It's f'ing rough, take it as a compliment, however awkward or boneheaded it may come across, they like you. There are certainly less than worthy horndogs out there, but some of them may be sincere and honorable, just misguided.

Have to agree to disagree. I don’t think anyone who is sincere would open up with hey sexy.

4

I just think it's a rude thing to do to a woman.

Aggy Level 4 Nov 27, 2018
4

Friends: Joey Tribbiani's main intro was, "How ya doin'?"

Jacar Level 7 Nov 27, 2018

exactly!

Ive heard some women do not like a terse approach and require more just to get a response.

On the flip side; Its tough for us because its a numbers game. Most messages go without response or even being read.

Im certain that there is a middle ground.

@Marcie1974 . . .and he spent most of his time alone.

4

Really? “Hey, baby?” How embarrassing.

The-Krzyz Level 7 Nov 27, 2018

My panties instantly drop eye roll

@Marcie1974 yeah, me too.......

@Marcie1974 . . . I'd like to see that trick.

4

Those are boys not real men clueless to genuine Feminist Atheism here. ...thank you for trying to teach the boys basic respect and NON-objectification. ...the boys would change and grow into sensitive men if girls would stop choosing them for their looks. ...growth is introspective NOT INTERACTIVE

I need to learn that some people are not interested in learning basic respect (especially from a woman) and to just move on.

@Marcie1974 proud of you searching for complete understanding. ...shows true leadership serving others. ...you are already wise....you're not needy instead you're a giver not taking

3

On date sites I think men say "hey sexy" or whatever because they aren't as verbal or astute spellers as women. We prefer to share a lot of our mind & soul, without sex first. But also men lack creativity because their primary focus is the sex. It's limiting for some.
In person when men (from date sites) first meet me I get called honey, babe anything but my name. I have associated this with; they've been out with so many women they don't bother remembering names in case a bed shows up and they say 'that was great Sue' and your name is Betty, So they say that was great babe therefore all are 'babe'.
I don't appreciate sexually pushy men, or men who have no time to learn my name. IRL if you met a female someplace with friends you would wine, dine and talk nicely looking forward to the day you can consummate the relationship and FOR ME it has to be a relationship. I need arousal feelings towards a man before removal of clothing occurs. My younger days of promiscuity has been seriously reversed because of STDs and my personal desire for respect. I know there are people dealing with HIV for their dating troubles.

There is a huge cultural deficit, taboo really against respectfully declaring our body sensuality and lovestyle that should define intimate interests towards each other....being coy is just as bad as being a dick head aggressive promiscuous boy....I insist upon old fashioned courtship honorable intentions instead of the dating game of assumptions and never negotiated expectations

3

Holy shit, some men are so utterly stupid...

3

Seems like a good way to weed out the rif raf! Dating apps seem to be a lot different in experience from men to women! I have hard time finding matches, i talk to my sister, and she is overrun with suitors! Me! Not at all, one a week would be good! Why is that!!??

AArealist Level 4 Nov 27, 2018

I am on a dating site. I don't get that many hits either. One a week maybe two if I'm lucky.

What is your sister's screen name again?

3

I never send messages like that but I know lots of guys do. They are just playing a numbers game and sending out the same message to lots of women. Like a horoscope it is something that might apply to and possible appeal to anyone.

Women do similar things. I usually put something in my profile saying, "If you'd like to reach out to me, please write at least three sentences that show me that you actually read my profile. If you do that I promise to respond."

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