For men on dating sites. A woman recently posted on here that it makes her uncomfortable when men message her for the first time and say hey baby, hey sexy, or hey beautiful.
I totally and completely get why it makes her uncomfortable. I have tried to constructively respond to some of the men who disagree with her....to maybe help them understand why a woman may feel it’s derogatory. Needless to say, I’ve been berated by those men to the point of being accused of not enjoying sex (what?!?!).
So men, my question is this, if your very first message to a woman is “hey sexy,” what are your intentions? 1) are you looking for a relationship? 2) just looking for sex? 3) do you actually think that is a compliment? 4) are you aware that women, even model perfect women, have brain and can think and carry on an intellectual conversation?
I went back to review the back and forth to which you referred. The debates were not worth your time or energy - best to ignore their comments. Sometimes it's best to let people's comments stand on their own to show their ignorance without having to point it out.
I fully agree with you.
For men to use those terms (particularly with people they aren't yet familiar) is both objectifying and infantalizing. Whether they are aware of this dynamic or not, it emphasizes and attempts to solidify the power dynamic where he has more power than her.
Far better to use names.
Addressing a woman this way is similar enough to catcalls from a construction worker as we walk along the street. I would feel much more positive about a man who simply states that he found my profile bio interesting. It's already obvious that he wasn't turned off by my picture if he's bothering to message me, so it'd be nicer to be told that my appearance isn't the only value he sees in me.
Just because the men on this site are non believers who supposedly think for themselves, and hopefully more evolved, it doesn't mean that there aren't some classless macho idiots among them. Not everyone knows how to speak and address a lady. Sorry for what they said to you.
I'd rather the men approach me in whatever manner comes naturally to them. Gives me an idea of who they are and where they are coming from.
It's aggravating when the first three times you meet a person they are textbook perfect, then suddenly they are someone else once their guard is down. Give me the real deal up front and save both of us time and energy.
I think sometimes men just throw something, anything out there, sort of like fishing, and then see what they can catch with it. So using hey baby or hey sexy most likely works with some women, otherwise you would never see it. In my opinion, it's more of a reflection of the family, culture, and norms the male was raised in, as well as, personality.
To a certain extent, we've all been raised with these so-called norms. For dating, the norm is that men pursue women. I do realize that with feminism, this may have changed some, but I think for the most part it still exists today. If men are going to do the majority of pursuing, you're going to have a lot of different styles and techniques.
I say ignore the Hey baby's and Hey sexy's and pay attention to the men who talk to you in a manner that you prefer.
I don't use that online in text, but have actually had women in dating chats start out with that. I would ask do you think all they are being derogatory and objectifying me as a man with that? Probably not, but welcome to the double standard world of dating. Also, when I first started dating, I would pour over the pics and read every part of the bio, write up a thoughtful first text and spend 30 min on trying to get some stranger, who is probably getting 20-30 texts a day to notice me in all the noise.
NOTE - the following YOU isn't directed at you personally, it's toward any woman online Im interacting with - so please don't take it as a personal attack
Now I typically send a "Hey, nice pics and profile. How are you doing?" I still read the profiles, and typically won't respond to just pics w/o something interesting to me that's telling about them in the bio, but I don't waste near as much time on complete strangers whom may not be interested nor even remotely interesting! Having nothing beyond a good pic that's possibly 5-10 years old and some chip on the shoulder bio isn't enough to get me excited about you. I put effort in my pics and bio so you can read about me and get a sense of who I am, but I don't expect you (nor want you) to get all wrapped up in me from just online interaction. I'm a pretty awesome person IMO, and you might be also, but I only put in as much work as I feel the woman is willing to put in towards me. Your vagina doesn't make you special IMO, and if you put off a vibe that I should think you are just b/c you have one...sorry, I got better things to do with my hands than typing to you (like playing guitar - get your mind out of the gutter pervie ) !!!
At first contact I think a woman would be more open and receptive is she felt respected and safe. I think a good opening line would be something funny to get a laugh. But I'm no comedian so I just try to convey an interest in her (what she thinks or what she is interested in).
A few months ago I made a similar post kindly reminding women about men who try to manipulate them for sexual voyeurism using various kinds of supposedly honest inquiries and polls. Wow, was I criticized. I was accused of being patronizing, 'mansplaining' and not giving adult women credit for being smart enough and having the life experience to figure that out, among other things. That was never my intention. The kicks were so numerous I deleted the post. It seems I may remember that you laughed at me too. Maybe I am wrong. Nonetheless, this is 'womansplaining'. We're all adults here and men and women are both smart enough to figure it out... at least that's what I was told by both men and women regarding my old post. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
P.S. I always take the high road and regard women as persons of dignity and worth. Even if sometimes their opinions are flawed. Then I will criticize the opinion, and not the person.
And please do not immediately ask for a cell number, and email addy, etc. Women, if they do ask this, expect the requisite dick pic when you do give the info. It's the male equivalent of a cat bringing you a dead bird....guys? Just don't do this, please!!!! Or be offended that we're offended if you do.
Getting around to your question... I don't use terms like that, but I understand the overwhelming feeling of being bowled over by a woman and desperately wanting to express it. Of course some are less articulate than others, but we all have the same urge. For me, I know it's not about sex, it's about wanting to be with her, to be accepted, for those enormous feelings to be reciprocated. You have to keep in mind that for the most part men are still expected to be the initiator of relationships (and we're allowed very few venues to engage in that pursuit) and it's been that way for pretty much all of human history and we have pretty unique traits that prompt us to pursue women and it's upon those drives that nearly all 7.6 billion of us on Earth arrived here and the billions before us. So...cut us some slack, please? It's f'ing rough, take it as a compliment, however awkward or boneheaded it may come across, they like you. There are certainly less than worthy horndogs out there, but some of them may be sincere and honorable, just misguided.