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If you are in a relationship and could have sex on the side and be guaranteed not be caught, would you do it?​

nicknotes 8 Jan 2
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31 comments

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1

Wondering when we're going to hear from nick.......

My aim is to ask questions that will stimulate people to air their views.

I try to be neutral @MissKathleen

Think of me as a "referee." @MissKathleen

What do you want to show me? @MissKathleen

What would you like to know? . @MissKathleen

I'm here Tom....I'll see if I can whip up something that will catch your interest.

I just posted a new question....take a look. @MissKathleen

11

Who has the energy or the blah blah blah for all these ? U kidding me? I rather have a great relationship w one man than running around to sample others at the same x . And a great relationship , to my taste , takes time , daily effort and dedication , energy , brains , patience and plenty of body . I have never been hungry Woolf . I have been a mad lioness however and I did told few men to get the hell out of my life . But cheating is for the birds . My pride is very important to me .

What is blah blah blah? Just so l can check my blah levels. 🙂

good answer...why waste energy on a fling rather than nurturing the commitment you've made.

10

If you want to have sex with someone else leave your relationship. Period. Integrity matters.

Honesty is paramount...

6

No, getting caught is not the damage, it is having to deal with the lie. Self guilt is far worse than getting caught.

You got it...we often judge ourselves the most harshly...guilt can be very destructive.

6

No, I'd know, and that's not who I want to be. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who didn't feel the same way about it.

Yes...be true to yourself.

6

No. Who cares if you don't get caught? YOU know what you did.. possibly hurting another for your own gratification? Why?

"one flesh" why hurt yourself...

@nicknotes huh?

6

Post a poll. I wouldn't. That's me. Reason - Why, if you love someone.

Great idea. People might be more honest... or not. This post hypothetical is really a question about whether each of us has a conscience or values integrity, or not. The scenario is just a way to get at that.

Love has tremendous power...

5

I've been on both sides of that... never again.

Good point....

5

No! What a nasty thing to do! And if you don't think lying & sneaking won't change you, and not for the better, think again........

Yes...look what happened to Trump.

5

Not worth the chance of hurting the other person.

Yes...good point...empathy for your partner.....excellent attitude.

5

Nope! I'd know and would feel too guilty to enjoy my life. One at a time, for me.

Good point...

5

Cheating in my opinion is a sign of weakness even if the cheater is never caught, now had you asked "If you cheated on your diet & guaranteed never to gain weight, would you do it?" The answer would be hard yes! ? ? ???????

Maybe I will consider a diet question next.

5

Here we go- let the posturing begin....I'm assuming nick, that you are talking about a relationship that is mutually agreed to be monogamous. If that's the case, for me the answer would be NO. One, I desire integrity in both myself and in a partner. So whether I got caught or not would not matter. I would know, would feel guilt (hey, I grew up Catholic and that part never left me), and it would soon affect my relationship, not worth it for all those reasons. I would hope that my future partner would feel the same about doing that to me and about being monogamous. I may not be rich, I may not be good-looking, I may not be the smartest person in the room, but damn, I love feeling morally superior to most Americans and I know in my heart that I am. Doing this selfish exercise in cheating would also cost me this perverse self-satisfaction. As my late wife said, I am as loyal and honest as the family dog. I make no judgment about relationships that are poly, open, or whatever else because adults have the right to choose what works and make their own agreements. The point is about living up to your agreements.

Now I will read the members comments.....

Excellent...cheating damages your own self image.

5

why would i want to? if i wanted to, then why would i be in the relationship?

g

If your relationship is satisfying, why look for trouble?

@nicknotes and if it's not, why stay in it?

g

Why indeed???? @genessa

5

Big NO!

4

No. If you want to have sex with someone else, get out of the relationship that you are in now because it is not working. Cheating will make it worse. That is disrespectful to the person you are in a relationship with. How would you feel if it was done to you. Emphatically no.

you have many who agree with your comments..

4

No - to be a cheater is to be a liar. Cheating is emotional abuse. If one is unhappy in a relationship, they should work to fix it or get out honorably.

I understand....but it can be complicated to extricate yourself from a relationship.

@nicknotes I don't think honesty is complicated.

@thinktwice Cheating by definition is fraud and deception and lying. The way to make it not complicated is by being honest/honorable and not cheating. If a person does like their relationship (for whatever reason), they should tell their partner and fix it, or get out. No one deserves the pain of having their significant other betray them (assuming they promised fidelity).Cheating is nothing short of cruel to the betrayed partner. If one does not wish to be monogamous - then they should not promise monogamy. If one changes their mind about monogamy after it has been promised, they should tell their partner before acting.

@thinktwice I think "not get caught" definitely implies cheating.....

@thinktwice IMO the scenario you describe is a unique off the wall situation and is not germain to the question at hand...and if the couple involved already have an open relationship....then that is not cheating (regardless of who else might discover). The question at hand is: would you cheat on your partner if you knew you would not be caught. Basically, the question being asked is: would you break a promise of fidelity to your partner if it was guaranteed that you would not suffer consequences directed at you by your partner.

@thinktwice It's all good as long as no one is lying and no one is being deceived.

@thinktwice no worries

Sometimes it hurts to do the honorable thing...it takes guts sometimes to face the hard truth. @MissKathleen

@MissKathleen, @thinktwice It's OK

4

I would not at this point in time, but if I had a life partner who developed dementia and was unable to consent to sex or to comprehend an open relationship....

UUNJ Level 8 Jan 3, 2019

My late wife had dementia and, while I did not and would not choose to seek another partner in that scenario, I totally would understand and not judge someone who did make that kind of choice. That situation is very different than the hypo here. Thank you for bringing that up Melanie.

Very good...you opened up another aspect to this debate that needs consideration.

@MissKathleen I just wrote a sex ed curriculum for older adults that includes conversation starters on this topic. It’s important between partners as well as between older adults and their adult children who may be caregivers

@MissKathleen It will be released later this year and addresses everything from sexual values to age-related physical changes, sexual scripts, healthy relationships, dating, grief and loss, STI’s, disability, LGBTQ identity, gender, sex toys and kink...

@MissKathleen It is a 14-workshop program call d Our Whole Lives Sexuality Education for Older Adukts, the capstone in a lifespan series published by the Unitarian Universalist Association and the United Church of Christ. It’s secular, progressive and comprehensive. It will be available for sale this summer. Thanks for asking! Sexuality and aging education is a professional specialty of mine.

4

I would know it and it would bother me.

Self guilt can be devastating

4

Why are you in a relationship if you're sneakily looking for it on the side?

Remi Level 7 Jan 3, 2019

That's an excellent question....but do all partners want to know the answer?

3

The problem is, YOU remember. Your mind will always know that it betrayed someone's trust. I think a healthy brain will always want to make it right, clean it up, and until that happens, it will throw up roadblocks until that happens. Unless it's okay with that person, in which case, there's more at stake than just the extra-relationship affairs.

I think you are describing 'cognitive dissonance" * Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions. Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying.

3

What? You mean with another person or by yourself?

Very funny

3

The vast majority of people are found to be operating at a moral level of conformity or just doing whatever won't get them in trouble. I used to be fascinated by this subject, which was best researched by Lawrence Kolhberg quite a while ago using different hypo ?s like this. His research, like Dave's point below, is not very encouraging......

In my local area, there's a guy that I used to really like as a political activist that even ran for governor, a real Green Party type and progressive. Then, soon after that, I and other lefties around me found out that he had started cheating on his longtime wife with a woman that was a fellow activist in an activist group they were both involved in while his wife was at home too busy with the kids for politics. He later divorced his wife and married the activist. After that, no matter how much I agree with his politics, I will no longer respect or trust that man on anything because he held himself up as having such superior integrity to the other pols about how he couldn't be bought or bribed, but in the end he was just another fraud, like John Edwards. Poetically just, he married the woman he cheated with and SHE divorced him about a year later. Nowadays, the lefties around here see him as a joke and rightly so....

Yes...I think you added another important aspect to this discussion. If someone cheats with you will they then cheat on you?

@nicknotes Probably.

I think you are right...it only takes one lie to make a liar. @TomMcGiverin

3

If not getting caught is the qualifier....just as soon not know me....same as cheating. Trying to get something for nothing.....not really possible

Yes...there is no free lunch....if it looks too good to be true, it probably isn't....

3

Absolutely not! That's a terrible thought.

Carin Level 8 Jan 3, 2019

I hope I didn't upset you by asking the question....

2

Interesting to read all the comments. I would normally say absolutely not. However about 10 years ago my marriage became sexless and loveless. After 2 heart to hearts and several months of seeing a couple's therapist, I realized he wasn't going to put effort into making the marriage work. So about 5 years ago I bought myself a vibrator to deal with the lack of sex. That worked for about a year, but I missed skin on skin connection with someone. We had significant debt and 2 daughters...I honestly didn't feel like I could leave and I didn't want to break up my daughters family. So yes, I cheated.

We ended up filing for bankruptcy and a couple years later I finally realized I would be a better mother if I was happy and that would be the best thing for my daughters. Even though it meant changing our family dynamic.

Going forward I don't see myself ever cheating again. I'm not having any more children and highly doubt I will get married again. The option to just leave the relationship will be there without having to disrupt too many other lives.

Hindsight is 20/20 and yes, if I had to do it over again I would have handled it VERY differently. But I did what I thought was best for my kids at the time.

I'm happy that you are finding a way out of your relationship problems. I think one important life lesson is to keep things simple and uncomplicated....it is much easier to "get out" if finances are simple.

@Veteran229 thanks for judging. In hindsight I wish I would have divorced much sooner. I didn’t really realize that bankruptcy was an option.

Believe me, part of me still feels selfish for not waiting to divorce until my youngest graduated. But marriage to me doesn’t mean just being roommates. I need and deserve more. Life is too short to be that miserable. When I was justifying staying for the kids’ sake to a friend she asked me a very good question, do I really want my daughters to think that this is what a healthy marriage looks like? My answer was no, absolutely not.

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