I was recently asked by a friend who knew me as a devoted Christian, “What happened? You had such a wonderful relationship with God.”
This was my response.
I didn't move away, or backslide. The God I believed in was never there in the first place. My belief was challenged by events in the real world—which forced me to look beyond my belief and into reality itself. In computer terms, I simply uninstalled an application that had been installed for me by someone else.
As to God my “father” … in my mind I created the perfect father based on deficits in my own life. That father was passionate, gentle, hilarious, creative, sensitive, wise, devoted, loyal, and he loved me deeper than I loved myself. He joked with me, called me “Toots,” accepted me in ways that nobody else would. Yet when I needed him most—when the universe came at me with real-life stuff—like a meteor crashing to earth—God wasn’t there. And that’s because God was “never” there. I was there.
As a writer, I create characters and they’re real to me. They “exist!” I laugh with them, cry with them. When I wrote The Children of the Night, there was one paragraph—one paragraph—that was so hard to get through it took hours to write; and half of that was spent weeping—deeply sobbing because of the events taking place in that character’s life.
I love the personalities I’ve created over the years. I can tell you things about them that aren’t even in the books, the same way J.K. Rowling knew Professor Dumbledore was gay even though it was never mentioned.
I loved the father I created. I see him reflected so often in my thoughts as the highest form of me. But he’s still a character… a creation in the story of my life. I would never presume that the characters in my books I write are real; though they’re real to me.
So, in this sense, God is one of my characters. Unlike Harry Potter, the boy that captivated millions around the world, we don’t have a consistent story when it comes to God. And even though Harry Potter exists on the pages of a book, we can all relate to him as if her were real. We joke about him. We have memes. He’s real to us, though he’s not real in the universe.
And that’s what happened. The God I’d grown to know over time was bawdy, a bit unrefined, and sometimes inappropriate. He drank a little too much tequila and listened to ABBA louder than men at his age should. He loved pizza and got just a little flirty when he’s been drinking. But he existed in my mind. Never in the real world.
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I realized that my Christian faith was more of a social crutch than anything else, and I’ve become convinced that a lot of people use it that way. People don’t know what to do with themselves without being able to find some group to identify with, and if believing in a magic guy and some book are requisite for the group, well, that’s what they’ll do.
rollergoester
Level 2
May 23, 2019
2
That's an excellent description of my mother, trapped in the Jehovah's witnesses. She accepts the rule of not talking to me, her only daughter, because I quit the organization 25 years ago. She once told me that without them she would live a life of sin and excess...
I had a similar experience. My ex was a addict and I suffered so much pain in the marriage. I went to church and prayed but very little relief. A friend suggested hypnosis to me. I tried it out and in one time I was much better. Hypnosis had done much more in one time than churchnhad done in two years so I started studying hypnosis. I came to the conclusion that I had self hypnotized myself into believing Jesus was real. The more I researched about God and Jesus the more I realized there was no proof. Surely a god that would send you to hell for not getting saved would make sure he left plenty of proof.
abyers1970
Level 7
May 23, 2019
2
It is very different for me. I was an atheist as a teen. however the more I looked at the world an people, the more I came to question, is there a God. I was part of the Peace and Love movement. Thus the question. What is Love? It is the greatest motivator known to people. I had been able to rationalize any emotion away. Love seemed supernatural. So, I searched many different religions, which left me thinking, yea right, I don't think so. I had avoided Christianity because I had already dismissed it.
My father-in-law was a wonderful man, full of love and charity for all. My mom's mom was the same way. Both were devout Christians. I read the gospel of John, my first time I read a gospel. It blew me away. Jesus explained Love better than anybody or any book ever did. Love God and Love all people, even your enemies. Love charity forgiveness, kindness, humility and much more. Even if Jesus was not God in the flesh, His teachings are worth following. I was taught that the Bible was perfect and always consistent. Then I read it cover to cover. It is far from either. If Jesus is believed, then much of the old is full of falsehoods. Jesus made it obvious that none of us are righteous, therefore we should not judge.
Few modern churches follow what Jesus taught. Is Jesus the Christ, I believe He is. Do I think non-believers will go to Hell to be tortured for eternity? No. Do I understand much about the spiritual realm? No The only secular explanation I have heard for love, explained lust. I want to be challenged by serious intelligent people.
William3
Level 1
May 23, 2019
0
Dude, you're on the wrong website.
@CommonHuman No serious intelligent people here?
Great post!
But I think god (no, Autocorrect, I DON'T want to capitalize it!) actually listens to The Carpenters...
JimSherlock1008
Level 5
May 23, 2019
1
Lol. I still capitalize it. I don't even think about it. Maybe I should stop.
ha ha ha One of my first concerts was The Carpenters...it must have been a sign to dump the guy who took me...especially since he did not like my choice of the next concert, which was Iron Butterfly...ha ha
That is who I think god listens to...ha ha ha
@thinktwice yes! Their big hit "Inna Da Gahden of Eden"
Wait a minute! There is an appropriate volume level for ABBA?!?!
lerlo
Level 8
May 23, 2019
2
yes...it is called OFF...
@thinktwice now, now that's why there is chocolate and vanilla, everyone likes something different 
@lerlo I love ABBA...I was glad to a resurgence in their music with the movie Mama Mia...I was just being ornery....
@thinktwice ahhhh ornery is always appreciated
My asshole douchebag southern baptist bible thumping brother tells me that the problems I'm having in my life are because I've turned my back on god. When I was grieving for 18 months after my girlfriend committed suicide, I was still asking for help, and it never came. If there is a god, and he/she/it would like to find me, I'm pretty easy to find. The IRS doesn't have a problem finding me!
Stilltrying1964
Level 7
May 22, 2019
5
When the same problems in life occur when you are a devout believer, then it is God testing you. Remember Job? They have an answer for either situation, either way attempting to keep you engaged in the belief system.
Btw, I sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is very tough.
@RussRAB thanks! You ain't just whistling Dixie!
so we create God in our image, I talked to an apologist to my travels today,
he brought up all sorts of ridiculous reasons why science was wrong.
and then is his final truth he said ask Jesus into your life and it will be change it forever.
I tried to explain to him that that's just the voices in your head.
he couldn't understand.
m16566
Level 7
May 22, 2019
2
Why were you called "Toots"? It was a name familiar to me 50 years ago. My "Toots" had an avatar but no character other than insatiable innocent curiosity. The avatar was a colourful flightless rotund bird with shark pointy beak and wings!
FrayedBear
Level 9
May 22, 2019
1
I just loved the word.
@Benthoven Ok, I rephrase "What does the word mean?" You see I never learned even asking 30 years later the person who called me it what it meant.
Toots was just an affectionate nickname. we don't hear it much, if at all anymore.
one of the first times i cam across it was in the name of a famous restauranteur back in the 1930s, Toots Shore.
his restaurant was frequented by all the celebrities of the time, particualrly sports figures such as Jack Dempsey & Babe Ruth.
@Benthoven, @callmedubious I'm not sure if the following helps me at all!
I can see the attraction in creating an imaginary character that will be supportive of you without question but in the end is only imaginary, people do this a lot. Better to find that person inside oneself.
Surfpirate
Level 9
May 22, 2019
2
Your God, the one you created, sounds pretty cool. A much more fun, much kinder and likable character than the actual God of Christianity.
AlasBabylon
Level 8
May 22, 2019
3
"I simply uninstalled an application that had been installed for me by someone else." What a perfect, honest and truthful response.
jlynn37
Level 8
May 22, 2019
6
That was a perfect analogy!
That made so much sense to me since I am in that field...it was awesome!
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