I think that maybe sudden death -- unexpected and unforeseen -- really throws people for a loop. Sudden death might generate a lot of conversation about the cause of death, clarifying details, guilt, blame, etc.
On the other hand, if people know ahead of time that death is inevitable, like it sounds like was the case for your daughter, there's less of the shock factor to deal with, and hopefully, more celebration of life and remembrance.
My condolences to you and your family.

I'm glad you had this blazing light in your life, even if her life was so short.

Funerals in the my adopted South often turn into fire and brimstone sermons.

SO very sorry for your loss. My daughter is currently battling cancer for the 4th time. I send you all of my heartfelt condolences. I totally agree with you and I am seeing more and more celebrations of life happening in my area. I think the importance of death comes from Christianity - because the celebration is that now the person is with God/Jesus, which Christianity seems to want to make the more important of life and death.

Truly sorry for the loss of your daughter.
You've raised an excellent point, and I am in agreement.

Oh I am so sorry for your loss. How are you?

I am quite sorry for your loss. I assume it helps some with their grief. I wanted my life to be meaningful-my death will be far less noteworthy. In the case of the martyred who brought about change-maybe that is meaningful?

I've always accepted the Neils Bohr line, "the meaning of life is that's it's meaningless." Go up on the roof some night and contemplate the vastness of the universe. What meaning could it possibly have? It just is.

Hugs , Hon .

Tradition! (in Tevye's voice}

Deeply sorry for your loss. In many ways there is no such thing as death, at least not a state of being dead, there is only life which is finite and like all finite things it has two ends. What matters, is not how long you live, because none of us live more than a blink, but what you do with the time, and most of all, how much joy you bring while you are here.

In grief too, and it may not work for you, though it works for me, trying to make a contribution and bringing joy into the world yourself is often the best comfort, because then you give your daughter a living legacy, and if nothing else keeping yourself busy helps.

Hi Tony, I thank you for this post. It has made me think and I'm not sure if my reply is merely reaction to some of the crap I have been copping here the last few days or if a long term situation. So let me try and explain my stance.

I live in a religious area where great issue is made of funerals. I have repeatedly made the comment that if I do not spend time with you whilst you are alive why would I do so when you are wearing a wooden overcoat?

The few funerals that I have attended (zero for all family members) have been friend or acquaintance whom I have spent time with whilst they were alive. The funerals were without exception crashingly boring and more like the witnessing of an event - "well that's the last we see of X!" type of accomodation.

Regarding my own death ATM I really want no one to attend. If you want to remember me and make an event out of it please go and do the thing that pleases you - I won't be there and so couldn't care less.

My next of kin has been told to do whatever they like with my body - I'm no longer home and won't care less but I do not want my ashes being put on a living room mantle piece in an urn and then talked at for ten years or more (it happened with my brother's ashes and his Catholic wife!).

As for a memorial and newspaper notices - you have got to be kidding - IMO I've done nothing to be remembered for, I do not have an ego that wants stroking and certainly will not have one after I'm dead. If there are warrants out for me then they can keep looking!

As for grieving my death, my advice is quite simple. If you think that you are going to be upset because you had some vital "must do that with old Frayed Bear" on your bucket list and haven't done it then kick your own arse for not having done it before I'm dead. I will not be regretting that you didn't fulfill your ambition and certainly won't be regretting my own failures.

The sound bite closest to what I wish to express is sadly marred by the closing references to god. Other than that I think it contains much of my reality. It however expresses a reality that has been pevalent probably since humanity came out of the caves and thus points out that each is nothing - alive or dead:

Listen to Ending Extract of Will Carleton's Over the Hill to the Poorhouse by GypsyJackBoggleShow on
[soundcloud.com]

I thought that the following song covered some of what I have written but like you Tony we put the hours, days and years in. Hence why I put my recording first. This is merely a stocking filler:

Closure would be the main thing here for those that remain after your leaving. In my case I am going to be cremated. My family will gather at the funeral home or some other place of gathering with pictures of me on a big portable board and discuss me in remembered stories and by picture. This is pretty much it. That will be the celebration of my life.

My most sincere condolences on the loss of your young daughter. I don't have anything to add except that it certainly seems better to focus on the person and their life, rather than its end.

I get where you're going, but I think the meaning of "meaning" is lost on your point.

Pain is pretty damned meaningful.

Why do we ascribe meaning to anything at all? Because we have this distinct desire to keep an emotional response going, and sometimes to share it with others. And spending time with other people affords us some of the most rewarding emotional responses available to us. So when it's no longer possible? Ouch.

Yes, celebrate the life, for that is what mattered most about the dead - but to suggest one's death shouldn't mean anything is silly in any sense. Of course it means something, particularly to those of us left behind. It means we are no longer able to share time with the person who has passed away. We are left with nothing but memories. That is a significant milestone that will no doubt have an immediate, profound impact on those who truly love the person.

It's painful as hell. See point about pain and meaning, above.

Speaking in general: death is mysterious and terrifying to most. Human beings have been trying to understand and explain it since our earliest known history. I think it's due to that fear that we want to see something positive and meaningful come from something that frightens us but is inevitable.

I completely understand your point, but I can see the need for most people to see some gain in such a tremendous loss.

So sorry for your loss. Yes, when I think of people I have lost in my life, I think about their life and how it affected me. I don't think about their death, only that they are no longer here.

Yes, it is life that has meaning, but not just having a body with vital signs. What is meaningful is conscious awareness of the unfathomable miracle of nature all around us and in us. Individual bodies come and go but the continuum of conscious life goes forward. Our true identity is that continuum.

I’m sorry for your traumatic loss. You seem like a strong person who can ride out sorrow. Best wishes to you.

My older brother passed in 2017 at the age of 51 - was his life meaningful or worth celebrating - not really - not all life is. He was a terrible older brother for most of his life, a terrible father, a terrible partner and on top of that spent a total of 16-years in jail (off an on) for being a terrible citizen and a terrible neighbor. However, a few years before he passed he became my midnight talking buddy. He was typically drunk (not what killed him) and most of the time I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. However, on rare occasions he would impress me with the wealth of his historical knowledge, his life philosophies and his perspectives on what events led us to our current lot in life. I valued those calls - but now my phone doesn't ring and so while the totality of his life was not worth celebrating - the impact of his death is meaningful.

Funerals are for the living. We celebrate individual life with birthdays and collectively with New Years.

Death is a part of life. It is both banal, and central to everything we are or could ever be.

"He was a man. Take him for all in all. I shall not look upon his like again."

It should be thier life that's celebrated but the finality of death is impossible to overlook, so its rather impossible to ignore and gets addressed. Sucks.

Sorry for your loss. How long has she been (jezus I'm trying to find some other word besides "dead" to ask this) gone?