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Why did your marriage fail?

By Redcupcoffee7
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62 comments

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13

I became a nonbeliever.

This is a real reason.

That would be a reason that you're a keeper, now. My ex accused me of "not believing in anything."

10

Don't get married.

Now you tell me!

smile001.gif

@Donotbelieve ?

8

The short story: My ex was a binge drinker.

The long story: A few times a year he would drink to the point of puking (on various surfaces) and blacking out. Once passed out right in front of the toilet. That's when my pity for his drinking problem stopped. I asked him to get help and he never did. 3 years before our divorce, he went out drinking and never came home. I got a call at 730 am that he was in county jail he had a BAL of 0.20 and he said he barely felt that drunk. I paid his $1000 bail. He also had a few suicide gestures, with his handgun. The last time I had to talk him down from the edge, it gave me PTSD, because I told him that the next time he did that I would have to call 911, so I grabbed the phone and told him I was going to call. He told me he could pull the trigger before they ever got there.

Our kids were sleeping upstairs.

I froze for about a minute, and then told him if that's what he felt he needed to do, that he needed to take it somewhere else because our children were sleeping upstairs.

He snapped out of it, but left the house for about an hour.

The next day I turned him into his church (at that time he was working the sound board of his church for about a year) and told them I couldn't deal with this problem anymore and could they help. They did.

After that, I got into therapy and al-anon and adult children of alcoholics. Two years later, we divorced. It was probably the best thing for both of us, because then he, too went into ACA. No, not AA because he didn't want to give up the drinking. But at least he's getting some kind of help.

I found existing with an alcoholic a living nightmare. Glad we're both out!

Went to AA, Alanon and ACOA-Adult Children of Alcoholics was the key.

@Freespirit64 It really is. I am so glad I recovered my strength and hope. It felt so hopeless for so long.

@sassygirl3869 As you know, it's based on a trauma model and gets to the root of our issues and it was the only place I could actually be heard without judgment, cry about what happened in front of others and still feel safe and accepted. No one was ever going to run back to my family with the family secrets I spilled. The best thing ever and I will be eternally grateful for having those people have my back and be there for me when I was pretty much lost.

I'm glad you found it working for you too.

I finally broke the pattern 9 years ago. An Inner Child Class is what finally opened my eyes.

@sassygirl3869 I am so glad for you. I do feel that inner child work is the thing that heals us best.

8

Because my partner found it impossible to resist attractive younger people!

Jnei Level 8 Mar 17, 2018
8

Both husbands cheated. The first with women, the second with men.
I can sure pick 'em lol

Plainjane Level 7 Mar 17, 2018

I lost a potentially wonderful partner BECAUSE her husband had cheated with men.

I'm sorry about that!

7

There isn't enough server space for all the reasons why my marriage failed.

Darthpug Level 7 Mar 17, 2018

lol

7

Not officially married but commited to a monogamous live together relationship for 15 years. Failed because I asked him to stop sucking me financially dry. I suddenly became the bitchy one, do your share, be responsible. Thank goodness I did not legally marry him, he'd run up $13,000 in credit card debt I knew nothing about. Missed the sex but not the stress of the failing relationship.LOL

Another like but not like.
I have been thinking of this issue lately. If one, who is financially secure, gets together with another who has little money does one, in essence, buy the other?
BTW did you see the street sign I posted?

@JackPedigo The issue is about how one member of the couple contributes to the relationship and less about who has more money. Regardless of the disparity between incomes and net worth, one should not be taking advantage of the other. And it doesn't need to be just financial. Sharing of chores, sex, deciding where to go out to dinner should all be equitable. That doesn't always mean 50/50... but both sides need to agree. Obviously, in this case, the financial responsibility was lopsided.

@JackPedigo NO I did not see the street sign, I looked on your page under posts. was it funny?

@JackPedigo Money was not an issue when we started out. He up graded the house I owned and he did alot of work on the 10 acres of raw land I had in eastern wa but as I transitioned from union scale wages in the printing industry to potter/artist income during the last 3 years of the relationship I could see he was not willing to be a real partner like he claimed he wanted. People do change as you know.

@MrLizard There basically are two things that ruin a relationship - money or sex. Couples change and things can start out good but go south for whatever reason.

@silverotter11 The one thing my parents argued about was money. She married at 17 and still living at home. He expected her to manage the finances. People wrongly assume everyone has money management genes. It was just a good thing this was before credit cards.

We kids realized we had to learn about this and we did. Money was a bit of an issue in 2 of my relationships but both partners knew/cared little about money and I managed it but with their full knowledge. My first wife wanted to buy a house (in Bakersfield - no way) so I convinced her we could save the money and buy with cash. The first year we had $10K. When she divorced me I knew how little she cared about money and offered her $500. She said she wanted more $600 (she thought we had $1,000 and she was getting the best of me)! The issue was she had run off with a naval officer (and took our daughter). He was eventually kicked out of the service for this but found a job making close to $100K (this was 1984) so I did not feel bad. My second partner got her JD after we split. A few years later the calls started. The calls were from collection agencies looking for her. Even after we moved to Lopez I got a call!

I think a relationship should be based on emotional, mental, physical and fiscal compatibility. I would hope that in our 'stage of life' most of the changes have happened.

@MrLizard It is about why a relationship failed and a lack of sharing is one grounds. At a certain stage, that includes finances. When one has a house and money and meets another without those things there can be no sharing in this area. This is not fair for either party and will lead to bad feelings.

@silverotter11 I am not necessarily disagreeing, but the overall dynamics can be much more complex. My marriage ended because of her abuse... but yes, we sometimes argued about finances. But that alone, did not end the marriage and was not the major cause of the fighting that occurred. And the sex was great with each other (and only with each other.)

@MrLizard Isn't it a bummer when the sex is so good?? My ex actually came to resent the fact I had that much 'control' over him. In my dreams I wish I had that much powere, lol. It is complicated and I think that resentment may had led more to the abuse and money thing in the end. But by then I was so done with his bullshit I was glad he left.

@silverotter11 It's more of a bummer that it's been over three years since I've had any sex - good or not so good.

6

It was time...

Buddha Level 7 Mar 17, 2018
6

1st marriage - I left an alcoholic and an abuser after 16 years.
2nd marriage-Alcohol abuse, PTSD issues never resolved. Only 2 years.

Yikes

4

To say we grew apart is an understatement. He grew more conservative and religious and spent all his spare time with his hymnal website. The kids tell us we should have called it quits years before.

4

Because he was screwing anything that moved?

smile003.gif The Coolidge Effect on steroids.

4

She became more religious and less socially liberal, and remained extremely judgemental. We were no longer a great match, but had two kids to raise. She was always somewhat verbally abusive, but that worsened. Then she dmanded I think, believe and vote the way she wanted me to. Finally, she'd get into verbal and then physical fights with my son, at 14 and 15 years old. The physical fighting was fairly minor. He could've kicked her ass but held back.
Finally, my son and I just left. We never returned.
I'm happy she has her god to comfort her.

MrLizard Level 8 Mar 17, 2018
4

I woke up one day and realized he's a misogynistic, controlling, narssistic sociopath who had been cheating on me for months... The day after I confronted him with the truth, he walked out on his family. Of course he called me crazy and every name other than my own... Moved in with his whore of a mistress... To think it took me 10 years of wasting my life to finally get my life back...

4

My wife was insane and we jumped into things too quickly.

3

Alcoholism and verbal abuse to go along with it.

3

I think because she was verbally and physically abusive, that's about the size of it.

ipdg77 Level 8 Mar 17, 2018
3

ask my lawyer, only £60 per hour !

3

We weren't in love and never should have married. She wanted to marry me because all her friends were getting married, I was successful and she wanted to stop working. We married on the condition we never had kids. She begged me to have kids after 5 years. She never loved them either, they were just a means of keeping her claws in me. Eventually kids and I left.
I married her because I had not dated much, had no idea what I was doing, was very immature and young. I had just turned 20 when it was all organised, she was a few years older.

Rugglesby Level 8 Mar 17, 2018
3

Breakdown of communication

BHolliday Level 3 Mar 17, 2018
3

She decided she wanted a man who was home more and not working two jobs to pay the bills. Found out she had been auditioning my replacement for two years.

BillF Level 7 Mar 17, 2018
3

Which one?

Tom08030 Level 4 Mar 17, 2018
3

She wasn't who she thought she was and so wasn't who I thought she was. Then we kept trying to make it work for way too long. We get along fine now, but I am not sure much has changed.

Roadster Level 6 Mar 17, 2018
3

Lots of reasons, mostly bad reasons for getting married, a partner who though only one of us had to make any effort and then the final straw was that she believed god gave her a hug and held her and and she could no longer be with the atheist she married. That and she was not a happy person who thought, and I though, I could make her happy. You can't make other people happy, that was my big take away.

3

Because I didnt know what was required.

3

She was and is stuck: emotionally, physically, financially, sexually and job-wise. Too many years of trying/waiting for her to get her unstuck. If I was in my 20's or even 30's I might wait around to see if she can make some progress. I'm 55 and too old for this shit.

kmdskit3 Level 8 Mar 17, 2018
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