Agnostic.com

32 7

If I had it all to do again, I doubt very much I would meet my husband. I loved him dearly but our marriage could not survive his controlling parents. Is there anyone else who, if they had to do it over again would avoid marriage even if it was someone you loved?

misstuffy 7 Mar 30

Post a comment Reply Add Photo

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

32 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

8

I loved the person I thought my ex-wife was. It was fake, and I learned that too slowly. I don't know if I ever really loved her, and that's my fault for only seeing what I wanted to see as much as it is hers.

Our marriage produced two kids though, and I love them more than anything. I would do it all over again.

JimG Level 8 Mar 30, 2018

I am impressed by the last part of your statement! I couldn't do that number again, if my life depended on it!!!

@Freedompath I did love my husband dearly but the fact that he let his parents make life decisions for OUR lives and then decided to get involved with someone who had already broken up another marriage and then went after my husband, and he was more than willing to get involved thinking he could have us both, those things right there would stop me in my tracks. One thing I have learned, sometimes love just is not enough.

@misstuffy I just put that book in the discard box, by a renowned psychologist...'Love is never enough' I learned that lesson, no need to repeat that!

@misstuffy sounds like a lot of 'real' hurt, in that story!

@Freedompath Agreed.

7

If I could change my past yet still have my kids, there is no way I would marry my ex.

If I could go back inn time and live part of my life over I would in a heartbeat if I could keep the knowledge I have now and no way would I marry who I did.

7

Without a doubt I would do everything differently. I would have finished school. I would still be with the boy from the good family instead of the jerk I married. the only saving grace is that I have two beautiful children, but I consider them all mine and not even part of him. we've been divorced for 40 years now and he died in January. None of his family or friends went to the service. if only I could do everything differently. Que Sera Sera

I wish I had a time machine, so much I would do differently.

What will be , will be . Glad you didn't stay for the last 40 .

7

I've said it before , I divorced my mother-in-law .

First vacation as a married couple, he came home and announced we were going to Rainbow Camp in Canada, I was so excited until I found out that the we didnt include me, no women were allowed he said and yet his mother was going so basically a family vacation and I was excluded. Second vacation, he comes home and says we are going trail riding in Colorado, I get to go this time, but I got pretty pissed when I find out he planned the trip with Mary Johnson, who was single instead of me his wife, oh yeah, her two single friends, both women were going too, I was miserable. Caught him at Mary's house after Donny tipped me off he was there at 3AM. Wish I had never met him and very thankful we never had children together.

@misstuffy I am glad he has gone...where the wind blows!

@misstuffy You know you should not trust people who would not include you in outings.

@rajThakur I was already married to him when this all happened.

@misstuffy Yeah but now you know better so you can give your self the love you deserve.

@misstuffy Had a similar experience . Shortly after we married , his Aunt and Uncle decided to have a family gathering to celebrate their 25th anniversary . His parents asked him to drive them . So Friday , after work , we all piled into their car and drove several hours to a resturant meeting point , and while we're eating dinner , his aunt , who was at our wedding , turns to me and says , " Why are you here ? " On another occasion , we drove his parents to his brother's graduation at Paris Island , and his mother asked why I had joined them.

@Cast1es Nothing like making the DIL fell like a part of the family (not) It was very obvious to me when he and his folks took a family vacation without me. In fact he made it a point to tell me I was not ALLOWED. I was his WIFE! What the Hell????

7

I have a different experience. I met the love of my life back in 84 and got married in 85. Over the course of a couple of decades we grew apart. We separated in 2010 and got a divorce in 2011. But we still loved each other. We got remarried in 2012. My regret is that we got a divorce in the first place. But I guess we needed that time apart to realize that we were meant to be together.

Your post is inspiring. We all hope to be in similar kind of relationships.

7

Me!!! Have never been able to figure out how I picked my children's father, for their daddy! Never understand that! However, we are all still alive...I guess there is something to be said for that!

6

I loved both of the women I married. My first divorced me and I divorced my second. I’m still good friends with both and love them both very much, but we all change. Right?

That is a good story...

And after reading all these post, that made me sadder, I was glad to find yours!

Two divorced me and one died. I divorced my ex of 12 years and we are yet friends today. She is a nice person but I bit off more than I could chew.

5

Yes. The pain of his betrayal outweighed any of the 17 years of love I felt for him.

Deb57 Level 8 Mar 31, 2018

Hi,I can't get anybody to understand the hate I still feel towards my ex wife and my ex friend.35 years on and the hate has never diminished..betrayed by a so called friend and wife has got to be tthe worst.The hate was so great I stopped seeing my daughter so I didn't have to deal with them.She was 40 last week.I haven't seen her for 36 years.?

I'm so sorry you have suffered with this for so long. I don't foresee myself ever forgiving my ex, or the horrid woman that was complicit in the betrayal, but I do hope that for my own sake, this huge anger I feel will diminish. I don't like feeling this way and don't intend to nurture the tendency.

5

My first marriage lasted almost 5 years. Same story, parents constantly interfering our marriage, we'd be at their house 4-5 times a weak. Go on vacation with them, out to dinner, etc. Always telling us, particularly me, how to handle finances, what clothes to buy, even how to grocery shop.

I thought the joint account I had with my husband was ours, it wasnt. My name may have been on the checks but it was not on the account as owner as it turned out. He and his mother were co owners on the account and he cleaned it out when we separated, he had talked me into havng my check from work electronically deposited but when she was getting our bank statements I stopped that.

My parents were controlling in those ways also and always told me and my wife what to do. It's no wonder that I had 4 major relationships in my lifetime. My parents never liked any of my women from the beginning. I moved a lot to avoid my parents.

@misstuffy Ouch!

5

Count me in. Or, rather, out.

4

I would change everything knowing what I know now but I didn't so I cant. it could have been a lot worse too.

4

Yes, I think I would have been a lot more careful. My parents and brothers couldn't stand my ex, and I should have listened.

4

That's a tough one. So many pluses and minuses. I think, ultimately, I would NOT be able to do it over again. Not without having my memory erased. There's no way I would ever willingingly give up my boys. They are the most amazing people I've ever known and they've taught me so much (ironic since I'm their father). But it's true. Having said that, I can safely say that the temptation would be undeniably strong. I just can't see my life without my boys.

That is so sweet...I could never give up a single one of my 5 children, but your tenderness toward your sons was so touching! I think I have become too hard around the edges! When mental illness creeps in...it causes a kind of distancing, because it hurts so badly!

@Freedompath Understandable. I myself suffer from OCD. So I know the struggle. As an amendment to what I wrote earlier, I can't say that I wouldn't want to go back and do it differently, just that I wouldn't.Those two little guys rely on me so much and I would be letting them down big time if I didn't think they were important enough to suffer for. I always tell people, and I still stand by it, I never really knew what love was until I had my kids. It's tough to describe, but no matter how many women I loved in the past, no matter how many times the hopeless romantic in me ever said, "I'd die for you," I never really meant it until I held my oldest son in my arms for the first time.

I'll be honest, the last two years of my life have been especially horrible when it comes to my ex-wife. I've been used, I lost everything because I was too nice to fight for it, I had an emotional break-down which nearly ended with the end of my life, and I've had one health issue after the next and mostly due to the stress of my strained relationship with my former wife and the feelings I have for her that I can't seem to shake. But I would endure all of it a million times over again for those boys. I still live because of those boys. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I too have become harder around the edges, but I think it's a good thing. I've always been far nicer than I should be. Nothing wrong with being nice, but I finally got tired of being taken advantage of. I'm still going to be nice, just more selective about who gets that treatment.

@ReBrew2115 sounds like you are taking care of 'self,' which is surely necessary, to live in this world! It took years, for me to get clear on how to care about 'self' first, so that me and others will benifit! I am glad that you are getting stronger and I am sorry that you were hurt! All of my 3 divorces, hurt deeply, but I have healed and life is working, better than ever! So you will heal, and your life will be just fine...life is funny that way...I learned the most, from the most hurtful experiences! And, you have 2 boys to love...

4

Avoid marriage? No. Avoid marrying my late wife? Yes.

I have avoided marriage since mine, seems I attract losers, men with ulterior motives and I have gotten pretty good at detecting them.

@misstuffy I’m really sorry. There are a lot of people on both side of the gender divide that aren’t worth very much. I’ve met a couple female lemons, but, luckily, once they hear that I have an 11 year old daughter, they run.

@Gatovicolo Usually when guys hear I have no children but a lot of property I can't get rid of them. They have dollar signs in their eyes.

@misstuffy I can see why that would attract someone. Thankfully, I’m self sufficient.

@misstuffy Me too . I put everything I worked so hard to earn , into property . They can't stick it in their pocket and walk away .

4

This version of me would've left my ex-wife back in the early days when her horrible controlling and neurotic behavior really started rearing its ugly head. But then I wouldn't have my two beautiful daughters, and they're the center of my life, so keeping that in mind it was all worth it.

AS much as I love and wanted kids I am glad we didnt have any together.

3

I don't know really I am conflicted because i think I needed to make these mistakes in order to learn ,grow and move on, to be honest I am 70 in 2 days and still learning about all these other people and what they balance around. I don't wish a tough time on anyone but I have learned more by pushing thorugh the tough bits it made me grow up a bit - there is a saying here -'Whatever doesnt kill you makes you strong!' and I think I identify with that - Sometimes I wish I had moved away quicker but I didnt so thats more learning -' leave as soon as it gets very silly!'

Happy Birthday on Monday!

I should qualify my question in that if you could go back with the knowledge you have now so you would be then the person you have become now, growth and all. I think with the perspective we have in our mature years and a chance to start over in our youth we would all make better choices.

@misstuffy yes indeed - nice thought !

3

I would. When I married my ex we already had our son. At every stage of our relationship, the more committed “we” (meaning “I&rdquo😉 got, the worse he treated me. Once we got married, he never did another thing for me. He stopped contributing to our household in any way (financial, instrumental, parenting etc) and became increasingly abusive. The only reason to do things the way we did, I don’t know if I ever would’ve been able to let him go if I didn’t go through everything he put me through.

Glad you got out. Mine was not abusive that way. He just never cut the umbilical cord to his folks. He put them ahead of our marriage.

@misstuffy I most strongly empathize . Had to view a closeup to verify that we hadn't been married into the same family .

3

No.

3

That is an interesting question. If I could go back and know then what I know now, I would still want to marry my ex-wife, but I would know the sorrows it would bring. I would be distraught because I know what lead to her murder by her new boyfriend. So, would my not marrying her be enough to change the outcome? Or, would I be able to get her to listen so she would not run off with him (she never took my advice, so very doubtful). On the other hand, if I went back in time and had no knowledge of the future, I would definitely marry her again.

What a sad story...that had to hurt deeply! Oh!, if only we could control life?

That is a paradox and you have my sympathies. I had a friend on the race track that was murdered by her boyfriend.

2

No freaking way would I do it again!!!

2

Some time ago, I accepted everything in my past as what made me who I am right now. To change anything, no matter how small, would change who I am. I love who I am and wouldn't change a thing about my past.

2

If I had to do it all over again, I'd start with different parents.

It might be only one line but my wife says that often about her parents.One died three years ago.She said one down one to go.They are truly the pits.

My mother was wonderful but dad was controlling and abusive to her in ways he never was to his girlfriend. I always thought it was because the girlfriend could afford to walk away, they had no kids for him to hold over her head like he did with mom.

2

That is tough to answer because there is a child involved. I was 40 and I know men can become dads into their 70's, but still.
I wish I'd found a coparent who could have stuck with me, but she bailed when the road got rough and that's just how it is. I'm not sure if I chose wrong or chose my last best chance.

Thats too bad, she must have not had a stromg mothering instinct and despite what people think not all women are the nurturing type. Hopefully you found someone better for the both of you.

@misstuffy bailed was metaphorical. She's a part-time mom

2

I don't think I'd be with anyone I was with before, if I knew the future with them, which is why I never would want to do it all over again.
I just wouldn't be with anyone and my life would be completely different..I would miss my entire life.

1

I always say you can't go back. I married my first husband because we were living together and probably wanted to please my parents who were his drinking buddies. His behavior mimicked the dysfunctional relationship I had with my family, but I didn't realize it at 23.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:46836
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.