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My mother keep on telling me that I should believe in Christ. My family are devout Catholics. I want to respond why not Shiva, Ahura Mazda etc. Unfortunately, because of my personal beliefs my mother got sick and confined to the hospital for over 2 weeks and released immediately to avoid Covid 19. Now she's ok. As usual thanks to God not to the doctors as per her. The problem still persists, she blamed my irreligious in some sense the reason why her condition is still unstable. Aside from the real caused- Stress and lack of potassium.

Albert_Camus 5 Apr 3
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47 comments

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13

I am a mother and I love all five of my children and believe me...we each with the other, have had our struggles. But, I would never hold them hostage over our different beliefs! That would not be loving. I would never create a climate where they must walk on ‘egg shells!’ That would not be loving. So love your mother as you have always done...and live your fullest life possible. This may sound harsh, but...if she dies, she dies! Maybe it is possible for some one with enormous ‘control issues’ to will, their own death, I don’t know? But, no person...mother, father or child, has the right to hold another human being hostage because they want control over that other person’s thinking! And no amount of convincing, could ever label that love. If I did that to one of my children...they should disown me, I earned it! Best of luck...your life belongs to you to live it the best way you know how...be happy!

I wish I had read your words before my female parental unit's death. Especially the "if she dies, she dies! part in relation to her guilting my sister and I back in to her life (my sister was LC and I was NC) to help her, while she continued to be abusive.

Yes. That's also the reason why I disown my mother sometimes. She even added: I love you that's why I want you to believe on Christ. How ironic it is.😔

@demifeministgal Exact thing happened to me with my egg donor. Add her egg donor to the mix for a double dose of "things I should've avoided at all costs but didn't" and it only proved one thing: I should've NEVER bothered.

@demifeministgal 🤗🤗...it is/was the hardest thing to realize that not one of us owe our life to a parent, especially if ‘guilting us’ started at an early age. It becomes imprinted on our psyche and the only recourse for a life that matters, is too break that ‘strangle hold!’ It can and must be done... that’s real love! Real love for ‘self ‘ and love for a parent, by not allowing them to ‘rob our essence,’ because they weren’t satisfied with their own life! 🤗🤗

@demifeministgal, @Albert_Camus She is deluded! You never caused that and you just may not be able to alter it. But, you can create a life that you need to navigate this world. You are a work in progress, not made from your mother’s expectations! She has already given all that she had, (which is not all bad)! But, you are the one that sets your expectations and then works to live up to them! If you can stay away from the ‘guilt’ of not pleasing your mother...you will be halfway free of her ‘strangle hold!’ It is not so much the actions of our parent that hurts so much, it’s the guilt that we are not pleasing them and that feels like a loss of love! Don’t be deluded by this. Just focus and live your life the best that you know how...by best!🤗

12

When my brother was dying of brain cancer, his Xian wife actually suggested that maybe my atheism was contributing to what was happening to him. Meaning if I believed in god maybe god wouldn't take her husband.

I resisted the urge to strangle her and just said "If your god loves you so much he wouldn't be murdering your husband just to spite me."

11

Emotional blackmail at its worst

11

Life is too short to deal with toxic people.
Especially so called family.

11

I can't even imagine allowing anyone to get away with that kind of bullshit.
That's emotional abuse.

You must have had the VERY GOOD fortune of never having to deal with or live with a narcissist, then. They are perpetual victims and will blame everyone for everything bad in their lives.

@demifeministgal I did not. That's how I learned how not to put up with their bullshit shenanigans.
Not to mention, years of therapy to not carry that garbage with me throughout my adulthood.
There wasn't a whole lot I could do about it when I was kid, but by the time I was sixteen, I was rebelling against all of it enough to get kicked out.
Then, had to endure only two years of foster care.

Never assume. We all deal with stuff differently.

Well then your comment was false and misleading. You can imagine it because you experienced it yourself! heh

@demifeministgal Well, if you're going to split hairs, okay. You win.

9

My grandmother used to try to control us with her heart attacks. She pulled that line at a family dinner when some action was being discussed that she disagreed with. If you do so and so then I will have a heart attack." One of my brothers looked her in the eye and said "go for it."

Sounds exactly like the same ruse my youngest sister always tried, she was an Epileptic by the way, at school and at home.
Always come out with " If you do this/that or make me do such and such I'll have a Fit and you'll be sorry."
It worked for years UNTIL I started training to be a nurse, then one day the school rang to say " Get here quick, your sister is having an Epileptic Episode."
I walked into the classroom, saw her flapping about like a stranded fish, knew it was fake right there and then and asked the Teacher what caused this.
The reply was, " I told her that the whole class was going out into the playground to do a bit of exercise like jumping on the spot, she responded with 'make me do that and I'll have a fit and you'll be in trouble'."
I simply asked the Teacher, " Did she drop to the floor and hit a table or anything on the way down or just fold up slowly and fall gently, did she pee her pants at all during the fit, has she struck anything around her during the fit or foamed at the mouth?"
The answer came immediately from my sister, " You bastard, you've spoiled everything now, they know how to tell if I'm faking it and if I'm not, I hate you."
After that she NEVER once tried that little ploy again either at school or at home.
Such are the extents that some others will go to to manipulate the people around them just to get their own way.

9

nothing like a bit of emotional blackmail from mum (mom).

9

@Albert_Camus

How old are you? Why don't you stand up to your mother?

"Mom, I decided I'm an atheist," I said at 13.

"That's fine, honey," she replied. "What do you want for dinner?"

There are certain people, like your mother, who one can stand up to. Because you will get a rational and healthy response. Other breeders (they do not deserve to be called mothers) will take standing up to them as a personal slight and will engage in emotional and/or physical abuse. Perhaps if he stands up to her, he risks being abused further or being evicted, and thus, homeless. It reaches a point where you think "Is this the rock I want to die on?" Because everything you say can be weaponized against you. It is hard to comprehend if you have never experienced it though. Consider yourself lucky that you can be open and honest with your parents. Too many of us could only be so lucky.

@demifeministgal

Sadly, some parents are controlling and abusive toward their children.

When I was in my 30s, Mom told me she became an atheist in nursing school. "I realized a woman cannot be turned into salt," she said and laughed.

That was the first time she told me that.

Hope all😂 I am 21 now. In 2017 they become aware of my irreligious (my family) As usual, they replied: We never raised you to become Antichrist. So ridiculous, why not Anti Buddha, Anti Shiva, Anti Allah😂

8

You need to repeat to yourself until you finally believe it, that she did NOT get sick becaue of your beliefs. I do not think it is fair she blames you for her poor health nor is it good for you to believe her and accept responsibility for her health. She is not your child! She should handle her own health!

6

Theists LOVE guilt and guilt-trips and spreading guilt around and eating, sleeping and breathing guilt.

You're from a Catholic background. You should be well-versed in guilt. Catholicism is the King of Guilt religion.

There's not a thing you're going to do to change who your mother is, how she thinks, what she believes OR who she tries to guilt. The cold hard truth? You can either continue to let her guilt you or don't. As adults, we have the right to no longer allow space in our heads to those who are positivity Nazis.

5

Confirmation bias can work two ways. Rather than just seeing things she likes as confirmation of her beliefs, she sees things she does not like as the causes of her problems and ill health.

5

It is the standard stock in trade of religions and for that matter parents, guilt. As Philip Larkin said
"Parents really fuck you up, this much we know is true
They give you all their faults and invent some more for you"
or as the Virgin Mary said "To tell you the truth, Mrs. Cohen. We were hoping he would become a doctor"

The only way to win is to turn the tables. Guilt is a 2-way street and no parent feels they have done a perfect job. Firstly you have of course had all the arguments about your lack of faith being your business and not hers.
So try this tack. "Mom I am really shocked and upset. I mean its one thing to have a go at me but to have a go at Jesus is quite frankly going too far. I mean to say that the person you have worshiped all your life would be so vindictive and jealous as to deliberately make you ill because I did not believe, is a blasphemous slander. That I honestly think is beneath you. Now let's have no more silly talk like this and never mention it again because if he is really like that, I'm glad he is no part of my life"

5

That is awful she would put that on you. Although you know that is not the case, you still feel bad/sad because it is coming from your mom.
Hold in there. Not sure what action you could take to make things better in that sense.

4

This emotional and psychological manipulation tactic is another one of the major reasons I walked away not just from a religion I didn't believe in to begin with, but my still believing relatives who tried to shun me for my choice. Thankfully my mother (who is a believer) does not engage in this abhorrent behavior with me. But my other relatives didn't waste an opportunity to blame me & my non-belief for everything that slightly went wrong with me or the freaking world. I started shunning them & living my best life without them.

Because what they were doing is bullying, magical thinking edition type of bullying, no two ways about it. I wasn't going to stand for it nor allow them to do it to me, so I cut them off. It's gross how she suggests that your non-belief is at fault for her illness. WHAT!? How does that track? It's guilt-tripping at it's most insidious.

This type of bullying/guilt-tripping is what is at heart of many preachers blaming abortion & gays for HIV, Covid19, the weather, etc.; it's the same religious harassment that has to be pushed back upon no matter who is doing it. After I stood up to my relatives and pushed back on it, they backed down with it and stopped trying to bully me back with disingenuous guilt trips designed to manipulate me as if I were a child. They learned and realized that I'm stronger than that, and it's a waste of their time, so they stopped. Now they have no choice but to accept me as I am, or go away. They chose to accept me as I am.

Put your foot down with your mom and tell her to grow up or go away. If you don't, prepare to be miserable living a life pretending to believe in things you know you don't just to please her (& shut her up). If you don't & you cave to this bullying, don't be surprised when she continues to disrespect you every chance she gets in small ways you won't be able to put your finger on, but will know it's happening. Prepare for the gaslighting, it will be epic, especially since she'll know that she can get the upper hand on you whenever she wants.

Exactly! Thank you for this post/comment as it has really helped me.

4

An annoyed God wouldn't make her ill because of your beliefs. He would make you ill. Be glad that you are smart enough to see through this emotional blackmail. I'm sorry that you have to put up with this from your own mother and stay strong and proud of yourself.

4

I just see that your mother is too controlling and certanly manipulative. My mother never liked me being an atheist, but never went into those tricks to influence me...I am so sorry for you and hope your mother gets better.

4

Move on...not worth it

4

I am a bit more spiteful than most. I would ask her why her god is able to punish her for your beliefs. Why is he not able (or willing) to punish the person who doesn't believe? Maybe it loves the non-believer more and she should question her faith more to get better? I would let that stew while I peace out.

4

Refuse to talk about it! Calmly make it very clear you will not engage...be firm but brief.....BRIEF! Then when she tries to engage you, simply immediately leave her vicinity & stay gone until "next time"...no exceptions! You will only have to do this a couple of times, I promise. It is best for her health & yours. And ferpetessake do not introduce ayd religion-related topic (s)!!!!!!!!!

4

Similar treatment has resulted in my distancing myself from my parents who also decided that god had called me to preach. I view their interactions with me as a cause of much pain. Mom has been dead 14 years now and my stepdad is demented and in a nursing home. I last saw him well over a year ago.

4

Tell her "If you had been a better mother, I would have faith." ...And say NOTHING more. You may even want to exit and leave her with that.

4

I wish I could you tell you how to make your mother understand. It is so sad she is using her health as a weapon.

Tell her you love her and hope she will understand some day. That's the only answer I can come up with. It doesn't sound like she has a sense of humor. If she did you could tell her to hurry and get well so she will be strong enough to work on your beliefs and have more time to change them.

Or.....tell Mom not to use her health as a weapon.

4

You want to respond? What is keeping you from responding?

Well of course, Rationality keeps me to respond.

@Albert_Camus she is not ill right now, so your answer is not acceptable. It would have been acceptable when she was hospitalized. Now, there isn't any justification for you not to stand up and show her and anybody else, that you are a man who strongly defends what you believe. And finally your mom did not get sick "because of your personal beliefs" and if you believe this crap it shows inmaturity. Grow a pair!

3

I got fucking tired of my parents expecting me to agree with whatever shit they thought was important, and stopped putting up with their shit. You are an adult now, and if they cannot face that fact, that is their problem, not yours.

3

Seems your mother could benefit from behavioral health care. PLEASE stop being influenced by her delusions, because they are only that.

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