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How do you like it?

I asked this question once before and it went over about as well as a bee hive in a children's petting zoo.

One of the things I find most curious are the preferences people have for pain during sex. I can't stand pain and have the ibuprofen to prove it ? It perplexes me why anyone who choose to have their intimate partner hurt them. I couldn't do it. Even if asked (yes I have been asked), I just can't bring myself to hurt my partner.

So in addition to how you like it, can you explain why you like it that way?

I'll go first. I'm a soft and gentle lover. I like to take my time, relish in the moments, and assimilate this amazing person, who has chosen to let me into her most private places, and I don't just mean the physical aspects. Why? I think it's because I live my life on the knife's edge between life and death. My life is literally an action film missing the background music. So I really enjoy being able to let my guard down and live in the moments of physical pleasures with my person.

ground rules I shouldn't have to say this. But please keep your comments respectful and in consideration of other people's feelings that are different from your own.

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By ScienceBiker8
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Soft, hard, slow and then fast, aggressive, domineering, a little bit of fear and a lot of trust. No hitting... not into pain.

A great dom is hard to find.

Lol. I think I can introduce you to one.

@Blindbird smile001.gif Something else to look forward to. smile001.gif


I think you should break up the poll into men and women. I'll make a prediction, More men will like soft and gentle and more women will like fast and aggressive and an even split on kinky

paul1967 Level 8 May 6, 2018

@ScienceBiker POLL! OMG... rofl smile009.gif Freud.

@RavenCT figures it would be you!!! LOL


Something that might be painful without sex - might have an entirely different sensation during.

So something that might sound like you would be inflicting pain? MIght be pleasure - at that moment.

But you do you. That's kind of important.

RavenCT Level 9 May 6, 2018

Reading this further reinforces my belief that I REALLY need to explore my heterosexualality.

kmdskit3 Level 8 May 6, 2018

I'm a rough and tumble person and that just translates I guess.


For me, either one gets boring if I have it all the time. Mix it up, and I'll be happy.

Why do I like pain? Well, that's impossible to say since I don't even know myself. One thing I will say is just because I enjoy pain on occassion, does NOT mean I look forward to the dentist. You can't imagine how many times I get asked that.

kiramea Level 7 May 6, 2018

My experience has taught me there are as many different types of people as there are shades of gray. Ann Landers once wrote that between consenting adults nothing is wrong or taboo. Whereas you may not be turned on by BDSM there are some who are and that's OK. If it isn't your cup of tea, don't drink. I think all of it is wonderful or can be wonderful given the right set of circumstances.


I can't choose just one of the above. Slow, soft, gentle sex has its place, but so does fast, wild, sweaty sex. I'm not really into pain, but there's something really hot about having my hair pulled or being held down and taking it. But I also love giving as good as I get. (I usually give better than I get, but the more I participate, the more I enjoy it.) If you want to know more than that, you're gonna have to PM me.

Your place or mine?

Gotta say what you just said is really hot. From other discussions ( your biking story, remember ) you don't like to be approached or hitting on. I understand but you are going to have to put in my shoes for a second... How can I in good conscience ignore that great wording !!!!

@jlynn37 That's a bit of a hike! Lol!

@Nottheonlyone Just an appropriate response my dear.

@IamNobody I don't like to be treated like a piece of meat or a helpless child by random men on the street. Or anywhere else for that matter. That's not the same as getting hit on.

@Nottheonlyone will I ever get anything right? It was just an expression. I didn't mean it that way, ok?

@IamNobody I was just trying to clarify. No harm done. ?

@Nottheonlyone Got it, thx... feel better, I am not joking. I kind of felt bad for that many stumbles from my part. None intended.

@IamNobody No worries.


It depends on your mood, your partners mood, what you both enjoy, how you enjoy it, how adventurous you feel etc etc. All of the above have applied and all have been fantastic smile001.gif

ipdg77 Level 8 May 6, 2018

There is no one size fits all for humanity and it takes all kinds to make it happen. I personally prefer a mix of soft and gentle and fast and aggressive as the situation requires but no hurting or causing pain.

jlynn37 Level 8 May 6, 2018

Yes, in combinations.

Donna_I Level 7 May 6, 2018

D. All of the above.

Also, I have been known to use these devices during the same encounter.


Slow/gentle to start, then more aggressive. I don’t seek out pain, but intense sensations that are close to pain feel pretty good. I get more pleasure as a giver than receiver, especially with female partners.


I don't tend to hold to any one style. I think all of the above have their place and are a good part of exploring with your partner.

jjhagen Level 6 May 6, 2018

All of the above


Soft and Gentle, sometimes fast and aggressive. Never to the point of pain, for me or him.

icolan Level 7 May 6, 2018

A few times I have accidentally been hurt when very excited and while I have not sought that out again it was a sensation that completely took hold of me. I guess I can see how some would go for that intensity. I couldnt vote because if you skp the pain part I can vary things according to the situation

btroje Level 9 May 6, 2018

C) Any one (or combination of) the above, depending on mood, situation, partner, energy level, etc -- lots of variables. But with the right partner? I'm down for pretty much whatever -- there are only a small handful of things that are on my "absolutely won't do" list. Communication is key.

As far as the pain thing, though... I've noticed something interesting (purely my observation, not data) -- I feel like there is a direct correlation between a person's desire for rough sex, and how high their natural pain tolerance is.

My experience has been that partners with low pain tolerances have only wanted things in the soft-n-gentle realm... anything over that was sensory overload for them. And those with high tolerances not only preferred getting rough, but disliked soft-and-gentle, because there was very little sensory input for it (almost to the point of being an annoyance instead of pleasurable). It seems that those with that higher pain tolerance required more "oomph" to register sensations, whereas the person with the low pain tolerance could only handle a very gentle touch, to not red-line and overstimulate.

Just an observation over time... I could be completely and utterly wrong, it wouldn't be the first time. =D

tmaaz Level 5 May 6, 2018

"And those with high tolerances not only preferred getting rough, but disliked soft-and-gentle, because there was very little sensory input for it (almost to the point of being an annoyance instead of pleasurable)."

I am that person and you have very clearly captured it. There is also a mindset involved that needs the interaction to be in high gear and for me, that cannot be achieved with "slow and gentle" contact.


I'm a big, sturdy guy and I like to lead. I tend to attract women that like to be tossed around, they like strong and I love when they melt in my hands(and my mouth)


I'm a gentle girl.


I like variety and typically a combination of many things mentioned. But there are no hard and fast rules. When you are with someone you both bring your experience and experiences to the interaction. You may develop something unique that fits perfectly, just for the two of you. Adding and/or exploring other things as the relationship evolves.

BeeHappy Level 9 May 7, 2018

I thought I was only in the slow and gentle, sometimes aggressive, grouping for a long time. I was flexible enough to satisfactorily address my partner's needs. About 6 years ago I met a sub on the internet who was looking for Dom. Not having that experience before I told her that I would be interested in giving it a shot. So she kind of started me on Domination 101 and I did some research on the subject. It turns out that I have a natural ability as a Dom. Who knew? It was a challenge growing the relationship over the internet, especially the discipline part, but thanks to modern technology and some unique ideas, it worked. We are still good friends although less involved with the discipline part of the Dom/sub relationship. Despite what certain books say, there's a lot more to a true Dom/sub relationship than sex with pain.

Yogisan Level 7 May 6, 2018

Power exchange.

Too true on your closing comment, what I feel most books leave out is that there's a certain trust that is required by both partners. It adds a safe, and comforting dynamic to that style of sex. Granted I've enjoyed both sides of the coin, but it does take a while to build that trust; and not all partners desire to switch sides.


Pain is subjective and I have a very high threshold for pain. Sexually, I am very much aroused by control and dominance and power struggle/power exchange. Furthering that there are acts I enjoy that are exceedingly stimulating to me yet for another person would simply be painful. I can see this distinction because having a safe word means I can stop any stimuli before it breaches my own pain tolerance, and I can say very clearly that crossing that line and resulting in actual “pain” for me is not enjoyable and ends my arousal. It all comes down to personal levels. We all have that point at which a certain set of stimuli crosses that line. As a tame example: If I press my thumb into the forearm of three different people, there will be three different points at which it goes from non-painful to painful. My level seems to be Way out there, but it does exist.

Cricket9 Level 5 May 7, 2018

I think variety is the spice of life, & the partners different moods would indicate what type of approach is used. That being said, I agree with you about the 'pain' aspect. Gentle at times, aggressive at times, pinch & nibble, yes, yes & yes. Actual pain? I don't want it & I would be very reluctant to administer it. I don't really have any outre fetishes, but would be willing to join in a partners in many cases. I just don't need more than sharing & appreciate that enough that not much more is needed to put a grin on my face. so, I didn't vote, as it would be one & two, tho seldom three.


Some people experience cathartic release from the infliction/cessation of pain. It's not MY cup of tea, but I don't judge.

Deveno Level 7 May 6, 2018
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