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MEN: What would your reason be for asking a woman what she does for a living, upon meeting her?

I'm always sensitive to how men feel being asked this question right away by women. I don't ask, and I'm much more interested in learning other things about a man before knowing his occupation.

Imagine you've just met a woman, briefly discuss the weather and she asks, "So, what do you do for a living?"

I find men do this very often and I'd like to understand why, from a man's perspective. Is it that it's very important to you, or that you don't know what else to ask, or is it that you think you'll learn about her more quickly, by knowing? If so, would you be stereotyping? Has anyone made certain assumptions about you that were incorrect, based on occupational stereotypes?

Examples: Lawyers are dishonest; Investment bankers are ruthless; models are airheads; artists are flaky; construction workers are not that smart; accountants are boring..

Women are welcome to comment! I am just curious to know the motive behind men asking this question right away.

*I'm adding to this, as I'm getting a lot of "Just curious" replies which I don't believe addresses the question. Why are you curious? What will it tell you, that you need to know, in the first few seconds of meeting someone?

*Thank you all for your replies!

Athena 8 July 8
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144 comments

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2

Forget that. What would you say if a guy asks you how much money you've got in your savings account on a third date?!

ABack Level 6 July 9, 2018

I find it better as a second date question 🙂

@NerdyOkieDude i wasn't making stuff up. Someone actually asked me that! This guy was looking for a girl to buy a house with, as he hated his flat. I got terribly angry!

@NerdyOkieDude I've had experiences even worse than that. People asking me on a first date whether I've got a mortgage or a car. !!! Very flattering right.

@AdriaBack I don't think they are worse than savings balance. With cars in particular, lots of guys are quite into cars and are interested in whether/what you have, just like they might be interested if you have a pet or if you have a do much traveling.

@JoeC NO, NO, NO! if someone's asking about my job, mortgage, pay scale etc., before they can barely pronounce my name it's always going to be a No/No. Even if it means that I'm going to remain single for the rest of my life.

@JoeC And yes I have a very well paid job and don't mind sharing my money with a partner. But if that's the main reason you want to be with me, NO!!!

@AdriaBack Your earnings wouldn't be the reason I might want to be with you; and I agree mortgage, pay scale and bank balance are odd things to ask about for that reason. However, I might ask about your job and car even though I am not interested in your finances I suspect other guys may act similarly. I am also aware that some people just bring up mortgages as small talk whether or not they are interested in someone as a prospective partner, I wouldn't do this because it sounds boring but others do. When rejecting people because you think they are only interested in your money you may be rejecting people who are not interested in money but just trying to make small talk. Of course if you are aware of that and comfortable with it that is fine, but if you hadn't considered it I thought it worth letting you know.

@JoeC I have never rejected anyone purely because they were talking too much about money, and that's probably why I ended up with an incredibly materialistic, self centered person with a massive sense of entitlement! Anyway, I had to leave them in the end. Now, I will reject someone because of talking too much about money, so that I don't repeat the bad experience.

@AdriaBack My point was that talking about a job or a car is different to talking about money.

1

Personally it is because I am not great at small talk. I can't think of many other questions I can ask which have an answer worthy of discussion (ie suitable small talk topics) that are less personal.

What question would you ask someone you knew nothing about? Alternative topic suggestions might be quite useful.

JoeC Level 3 July 9, 2018

@Athena I think 'how do you spend your free time' would be worse as a first question. It would feel a bit overwhelming to me in terms of options, and feels a bit like an interview. The others might work well depending on the situation but might result in one word answers not leading to more questions (eg why are you at this stand-up gig? To see the comedy. How did you hear about it? Facebook).
It's interesting that you think it says something about me. What does it say? Might you be jumping to conclusions?

@Athena I got that they were alternatives. They don't seem conducive to a natural flow to me.

I do struggle with starting interesting conversations with strangers when I don't initially know whether we have anything in common. I have interesting conversations with people I know. Is that a characteristic you don't want?

I also think it might be a bit weird watching someone's facial expressions etc would be a bit weird if we weren't having a conversation.

0

I think it's a fall-back, a way to find something to talk about. I don't usually go there unless she brings it up. I'd rather find out who someone is before I ask how they pay their bills.

I did notice you phrased it "what do you do for a living?" People usually ask "what do you do?" When I get the question without the living part, my stock answer is "mostly make inappropriate comments."

You missing the point. The question wouldn’t be about bills, but about who they are. Besides, it’s hard to figure out someone unless you ask direct questions and verify the answers. You know, we people lie.

0

I don't see how expressing an interest in an important part of a person's life should be threatening. Or even, particularly, how you can avoid it coming up fairly quickly in any relationship the objective of which is to ascertain compatibility for long-terms intimacy.

I do know that outside of the US, total strangers meeting for any purpose tend to regard questions about what you do for a living to be intrusive and boorish, whereas to Americans it's pretty near the first question we ask. So from this, I deduce that at least in the US, a lot of the reason men ask the question is that they have been socialized to do so in a variety of contexts and they tend to regard it as a "safe" and acceptable conversation-starter. And let's face it, men are insecure and nervous about meeting and impressing new people, same as anyone, whether or not they admit to it. So they are going to gravitate to what they know to do.

When I asked this question of a date, I would not have been stereotyping. I would probably factor the answer into a rather complex calculus that includes many other factors. There's a big difference between women who have seldom worked, who do low-level work, executive level, professional level ... these things imperfectly signal ambition, curiosity, education, intelligence or lack thereof, but at the same time I would not assume for example that a stay at home mother was dumb or incurious or unlearned or that a successful professional was smart and educated. It would have to be factored in with other things.

@Athena Well I hear you, but I don't think you can assume anymore from demonstrated curiosity about your occupation than the man can assume from your answer. Seems like a pretty innocuous question to me, and I would assume it to be so absent other evidence. Not everyone backs into building rapport and connection like you do. In fact, I can just about guarantee most men will not do it that way. We go from the concrete to the subjective, women tend to do the inverse. Vive la difference.

You seem defensive about how your profession is perceived. I can't speak for all men, but speaking for myself, particularly in this day and age, I don't assume much about what a woman does (or doesn't) do for a living. I had breakfast out this morning, at a little eatery next to a construction site, and a young lady in a hard hat sat at the table across from me to have coffee and breakfast. I did not assume that she was "not very bright" nor was I at all surprised that she was quite attractive. In other words I had no particular expectations of a female construction worker. I suppose a generation or two ago I might have expected more of a "Rosie the riveter" type in that role, but that has changed.

I have a son-in-law who is a house-husband and my daughter wears the pants in the family, as they used to say ... she is by far the major, nearly the sole, bread-winner. She's a nurse; that in itself is not a highly stereotyped and constrained role, and there are many men who are nurses today.

So it goes. I think you may be over-estimating how consequential particular jobs are, or how many are on a list of deal-breakers, in men's minds. Then again ... maybe I'm out of touch at my age or mis-extrapolating how younger men than I would think about this. That's just my $0.02 plus inflation, for what it's worth.

@HotAlutiiq Yeah there's that too. Seems like if you're striking up a potential intimate relationship with someone, what occupies a great deal of their time and how they feel about it is pretty consequential and also, not incidentally, a great way to express genuine interest in their life and experience. [shrug]

2

I don't tend to ask a guy that early on as I feel it's kind of like asking "How much money do you make?" I also feel awkward when people ask me the same question as my work is about the opposite of glamorous.

Carin Level 8 July 9, 2018

Some guys seem to worry about being taken advantage of financially so I try to be considerate of that. (Like their idea of a bad date is paying for a nice dinner & not even getting a peck on the cheek. Our idea of a bad date is being raped &/or murdered. But oh well.)

I guess I've never assumed a specific income based on profession. When I ask it's more about sussing out who they are and what they're about.

Same, i do not.work in my field right now either

1

Just gives something to talk about

Crikk Level 2 July 9, 2018

Exactly Crikk

0

Another thought-provoking question posed by you, Athena. Why am I not surprised? I think a woman's occupation could be a starting point for a "getting to know you" conversation but doesn't have to be. I don't know why so many guys start off in that manner with you. There are so many interesting facets about your personality. Your occupation would be just one beginning point. But if a guy saw the way you write or heard you speak (I'll have to imagine this "heard you speak" point for obvious reasons), then in my biased opinion they should go down a plethora of different avenues in pursuit of getting to know you. That would be my observation of the very-insightful you in particular. In general, I think it may be nervousness or habitual or just really important to guys who open up conversation with women this way. I guess it's really up to the individual guy.

@Athena I see, you are subscribing to only the dating part of this place.

3

I think both sexes do this somewhere along the way. I find it interesting if the initial question leads to finding out how a person got into their job, what it took etc. The stories behind the choice often show more about the person that the actual way they make a living now. I have met people who have flipped their initial jobs into something else; People who have been in a career all their lives because they love it; People who are working hard and getting no where. I do get asked that question a lot...I think mainly because I don't fit the stereotype of what people think an accountant is...usually when I tell a person, I end up picking up the tab and calculating the tip (JUST KIDDING!)...it really doesn't matter to me as long as there are other things that make us compatible. Love reading everybody's views on this as well...

@Athena oh definitely...ugh...I try to give people a break on trying to find "safe" things to talk about, but, bringing it up too quickly tells me that communication is going to be a problem down the road...lol...20 seconds? UGH

0

I am under the impression this is often attributed to Americans, as we culturally seem to place higher immediate value on income and social standing derived from profession.

@Athena I wonder if it's just part of the urban mating dance then? Also there are fewer options in rural areas so it has less impact unless your at an extreme end of the scale.

2

I’m sure glad I am not in the market as I would probably be someone to ask that question. It does tell a person a lot about the other person as they spend a large proportion of their time doing whatever their occupation is. I guess you could ask about hobbies or tastes in food or whatever but if something like this is a no-no I would be afraid to ask anything.

gearl Level 8 July 9, 2018

I agree.

1

Most people have some passion for how they make money. It's an easy conversation starter with total strangers even when dating isn't an option.

Some people like judging and classifying others. If I think that's what's going on, I claim to be an entrepreneur and enjoy the eye rolls.

I've had dates who were likely burnt by free loaders quickly ask about my job on the first date, I get that and my response varies depending on how the questions are asked and how I think the date is going.

For people who really pay attention there are other things to talk about. People's clothes, their reactions...can tell a lot about them. I often have random books, so that's an easy conversation starter that doesn't involve qualifying my character based on income.

@Akfishlady I've had those experiences. It's sad when people utterly lose their passions to be purely practical.

Even if you don't have much time, I think it's important to maintain things you love. Spending 10 minutes before bed reading or playing an instrument can do a lot to keep your spirit alive.

0

As a rule, I don't ask a woman I've just met what she does for a living until I've gotten to know her better. It will come up eventually in conversation, but at that point I think my impression of her as a person would supersede a general view of her career. Also, I believe some of my occupational biases are positive. For example, I'm the son of a teacher, so I tend to consider educators hard-working and dedicated.

@Athena I couldn't agree more. That quality in a person indicates that they're able to see beyond labels and superficial trappings and appreciate the CHARACTER of others.

2

Good question. A couple of reasons:

-Habit
-A conversation starter, a good jumping-off point to more questions and conversation.

In early conversations I am trying to determine a few things: Is she smart? Interesting? Is there something special, grabs my interest? Is this someone I am going to learn from? Occupation can help determine some of this.

It can also serve as a quick eliminator. There are some occupations I avoid.

@Athena But doesn't this happen all the time, in every situation? Sizing up can be either positive or negative, but it's how we are wired. In the getting-to-know someone phase, I am not being judgemental but I am curious. If the meeting is in person I'll have already done pre-work and have enough interest to meet. If not, more information gathering within the bounds of polite civility.

2

As a window into their daily life..to see if there are any commonalities between our work lives..
They may do work that you find very interesting..
It's more an implicit curiosity about the person's life than specifically the actual job...its entirely normal and innocent..is it not?

@Athena Actually, that is a good question to ask anyone to establish bases for conversation. For example, you answer that you work for one o the mega churches, or that you serve a God. I wouldn’t continue to talk. On other hand, if you say that you work for Sam Harris, or are physics teacher, I would know where the conversation will be headed. Between us atheists, I think it’s okay to skip niceties.

1

I don't normally ask about work until it comes up in regular conversation. I guess I just don't care that much? I don't feel as if my work defines who I am.
I'd much rather get her talking about something she is passionate about. That makes for a more interesting and informative conversation in my opinion. If that happens to be her job, she'll bring it up long before I will.

You sound like a really worthwhile person! & you explained it so well.

@Carin
That is so amazingly sweet of you to say!! (Blushing). I tend to feel like I over explain things sometimes.

0

I always ask because so much of our time is devoted to earning a living. It would be worse if I asked 'How much do you earn?'

@Athena Very True. Most of the interesting stuff I do has nothing to do with my employment. The art of conversation has really been lost on many people. I myself have often found myself resorting to cliche questions simply to attempt to start a conversation.

1

I never make a point of it. I just let conversations flow and go where they go. I have never been turned off by a womens profession, unless they were a lawyer.

@Athena I have never met a lawyer I really trusted or liked of either gender. They spend years learning to lie and twist the truth. 🙂

1

It's not a question I generally jump to, unless there's a reason (such as she says the reason we may not have met before is that she normally works nights). I think it's just generally a good small-talk, non-closed question which focuses the attention on the other person while you're scrabbling around to think of something better to say.
Sometimes the answer is truly interesting and opens into great conversation, or they may say something like "I'm an operating system marketing co-ordinator for small manufacturing companies", in which case I will forget it immediately and could end up marrying the person without ever needing to know another thing about her job.
Whatever she does, the way she answers will probably tell you a lot more than the answer itself.

2

Becuase I would expect her to ask me. I’m in the military and that means a lot going into a relationship.

For some, their jobs will heavily influence their life. I belive that is important to a relationship.

2

Well let me say I'm a sales men.. One of the best topics for getting interpersonal with your coustomer is asking their occupation.. It lets you know many things about the person, one of them being just how open they are. It is a great conversation starter and a tactic taught by sales men.

This^^^^ I have also worked in sales and concur.

2

I would like to know because I've always wanted to meet a woman that does animal husbandry so I can pretend I don't know what that is so she can tell me she gives hand jobs to horses. Gawd that would be hilarious.

6

To determine if she can support you in the manner you're accustomed to.

Or would like to become accustomed to!

1

Just want to find out how you spend your time. Nothing more sinister or complex. But then I'm kinda gormless when it comes to the ladies.

I'm adding gormless to my vocabulary!!

3

It's just a conversation starter. It's an attempt find some common ground.

I just wrote the same answers before I read yours. You must be a genius.

0

If I were to ask it would not be right away. But eventually it would likely come up. It helps to know the person a little better but is not necessarily a big indicator of who that person is. The next question might be did you choose this occupation and/ or why are you doing this for a living.

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