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How can i enjoy sex again

My partner enjoys berating me daily and reminding me that i never put out.
He says verbally abusive things to me over text messages and can't understand why I "take it to heart" he says words don't matter. But if i turn around and offend him with words turns he starts the name calling and verbal and emotional abuse again

Anybody have any ideas how i can force myself to be intimate with him without him realizing im forcing myself?

Abortiontattooed 4 Sep 4

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47 comments

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2

To me, it sounds like a catch 22. He is flustered because he wants to be intimate with you and you don't want to be intimate because of psychological abuse. You either have to talk about it and come to reason or make a drastic choice.

10

Why the Hell would you want to be intimate with an abusive asshole? Your body knows it is a Bad idea!
If you force it, you are in effect forcing a rape upon yourself!
Get Out & get counseling!
Being alone would be far less painful than what you describe, I have been where you are and I promise thrrre is Much better out there!

10

Break up.

9

I have actually been exactly where you are. Exactly. I taught myself to do just what you want. I taught myself to basically rape myself. To force myself to have sex against my will.

I won't tell you how because it was the wrong thing to do. It was what I felt I had to do to stay in the relationship.

It was staying in the relationship that was the mistake. I got out 25 years ago, and I still have nightmares. Of the physical abuse? The name-calling? No. Of the terrible pressure to have sex with an abusive man because I thought I could not live without him.

Don't do that to yourself. I could not regret it more.

8

You're not in a relationship/marriage you're in a nightmare! get out! He's slowly killing you.

7

There’s no way to “fake” it with an abuser. You need to start planning your exit covertly. Start socking small amounts of money away that he won’t notice. I don’t know if you have a job outside of the home, but it’s time to get some independence. Seek some help from your family if you are able or community resources. You are never alone, abusers want you to feel that way. It keeps you groveling back.

7

Call 211 or go to 211.org. Sounds like you need abuse counseling. If it's more severe than that call 911.

6

Don't have sex with this person anymore and leave as soon as it's safe to do so.

Please leave this relationship. Get counselling from a trained professional well versed in domestic abuse.

Sex should be enjoyable for you. If it's not, don't do it.

6

This is abuse. I'm sorry to say. I know it's hard to see and admit. But you will need to make a plan to leave. It will not get better. It's not your "job" to have sex with him. You are in a partnership where you should both respect eachother. He's not respecting you. ?

6

Talk to a women's shelter. They have professional counselors who can help you escape the abuse and manipulation you're dealing with. If necessary, they will find a safe place for you to stay.

JimG Level 8 Sep 4, 2018
6

Thats not a partner, thats an abuser. Get out. (Been there, survived that. Got out. Wasnt easy but nothing worth having is easy but the hard makes you happy.)(edited for typo correction)

6

Get out and don't look back.

5

FACT~ There are no circumstances under which a person can be intentionally abused by someone who loves them.

FACT~ Unless held physically captive against their will, isolated and locked away; there are no circumstances under which a person who has self-love and respect will allow themselves to be abused verbally or physically by another person. The 'relationship' doesn't matter.

There are people because of abysmal self-esteem or self anger or hatred who both abuse themselves directly in self-destructive ways and by proxy, by finding someone else to reinforce their self-loathing or guilt or any number of excuses for inclusion in their lives.

All of these things and more are based on beliefs held that are not so, and most of the time, that are embossed on their minds before their minds developed (or were free to develop) reasoning capacity. The abuse actually becomes a 'substitute' for it's opposites of affection, admiration, trust, nourishment and protection; and yes, love.

Absence of genuine love and affection makes us sick, emotionally and physically (they are actually one). Your environment, as described is pathogenic and will shorten your life; filling what is left of it with increasing pain. Many use children as an excuse for the sacrifice or financial dependency. There are solutions There are also shelters that can assist as a 'half-way' step to starting life anew.

Cognitive therapy can be a crutch but can also be expensive; prohibitively so. Natural cognitive therapy is a permanent separation from the poisonous environment; escaping to ANYTHING new and far away with NO connections.

In your current environment, you, not your abuser, are your worst enemy. Look in a mirror and address your complaints and the part of you that still holds life as valuable and potentially promising will have to stage an internal mutiny and rescue operation. You must, obviously, protect any children but don't allow concern for anything else, pets included, to undermine the resolve. If you weren't important, with life potential ahead of you, you wouldn't still be around or have the courage to reach out for help.

If you take those preliminary steps and free yourself to relatives, a shelter, etc. and are free of children or a safe place for them to be cared for temporarily, for some months, message me. There are some solutions enabling people to find nourishing living and work environments that enable long-term healing and correction. I might be able to help in terms of guidance in that regard.

5

If "words don't matter" why is he using them to attack you? This is abuse. Why would you want to force yourself to be intimate with a toxic person who deliberately causes you emotional pain. I can't think of a bigger turn-off. Perhaps if you explain to him how he is sabotaging his own sex life, he may get a clue. But seriously, it sounds like he's far too selfish to care.

Deb57 Level 8 Sep 4, 2018
5

I have ideas about how to get yourself out of that relationship, but it looks like others beat me to it. It's funny how we try to cope with whatever situation we are in. This is not a situation that you can cope with. It damages your inner self. I am still recovering.

5

You will only kill more pieces of yourself than he ever did.

4

Make him your ex-partner.

Then you might start to enjoy sex again.

4

You should spend more time figuring out a way to leave.

4

Why would you force yourself to do something you don't want to? Why would you deliberately deceive him? Just be honest with yourself and with him. If that's not safe, then leave the relationship, with outside help / support if necessary.

You're being mistreated and gaslighted. No woman is responsible for faking a physical response despite real feelings.

My wife doesn't "put out" much either, if you want to use that crude term for it, but in her case it has to do with a lifetime of self-loathing and feelings of unworthiness due to severely dysfunctional parenting. It is possible that something like that is in the mix here, independent of your partner's actions and attitudes ... but he's also massively contributing to the problem. It's all a continuum / pattern of abuse. Love yourself enough to free yourself from it. It's possible to find someone who breaks the pattern rather than perpetuating and reinforcing it.

4

do not let your own thinking be dictated by their mentality. sounds like you need to get out from under that relationship sooner than later....

4

You need to leave. The abuse will continue and your mental health will suffer. He sounds like he gets a kick out of seeing your self exteem plummet. You can’t allow it to continue, believe me you cannot please him ever. He is a sadist, and you are enabling him to feel the thrill of debasing and demoralising you by staying around and even looking for ways to please him. Sex should most certainly be the last thing you should be trying to please him with. Just go.

4

This is abuse, pure and simple. No one should humiliate you into sex or berate you about it, and you shouldn't have to force yourself. Sex should be about respecting, pleasing, and enjoying each other. He has no right to treat you this way, and if this doesn't stop you need to get out of this relationship. You don't deserve this.

4

As someone who was in his shoes, the onus is on him to address and deal with his issues, not on you to force yourself to do anything.

4

Been there, done that, and here's my advice: once you've learned to hate sex with a certain partner, it stays that way. You start to think you hate sex altogether. You don't, you just hate it with him. Therapy and marriage counseling isn't going to fix it. After you leave him you will find your next partner amazing, (whether he actually is or not, LOL) just because you are able enjoy sex again. Its really something to look forward to - after 11 years of misery with a man who made me hate even the mention of sex, I eventually found a lover who gave me the best sex I ever had. So will you. Trust this truth - its not you, its him.

I agree 100% . Great sex requires mutual respect . He may feel good about cutting you down to his size , but you will never , ever , enjoy sex with him . Dumping him is just step one . It's going to take a bit of reevaluating your self to remove all the damage he's done to your self image . Get away from this lethal poison , then celebrate your freedom , then do whatever it takes to wash him from your mind .

@Charity I agree 100% . Sex starts between your ears . good or bad . If your mind isn't in with it , no matter what he does in the bedroom , it won't count for anything . He's already made his bed , let him lie in it alone.
And remember this , never , under any circumstances do you ever , owe anyone sex . Sex is a gift of yourself , your body , that you chose to give to someone . According to the 2015 census , in now costs over a quarter of a million dollars ( $250,000 ) to raise a child , in this country . Men have and continue to walk away (whether married or not) , when a child is on the way . So before you get in bed with a man , ask yourself , is he really worth it ? Can you trust him ? If you carry his child , will he share the responsibilities for the next twenty years ?

3

Why are you with him? This doesn't sound like a healthy loving relationship to me.

3

He doesn't love or care about you and how you feel and expects you to be there to take care of his needs. People like this never change and don't deserve your love. There are many people out there who want to love. Do yourself a favor and seek help in getting away from this individual. He's not worth it. Be good to yourself.

Gohan Level 7 Sep 4, 2018
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