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Well, here I am single again....

It was a good run, 11 weeks, just short of 3 months... but now it's over. And I can't even say it's anything I did, even though I'm the one who decided to end it....

Initially she showed a lot of insecurity, but I accepted that as the results of her having had (as she said) several very bad relationships, one which was physically abusive, as well as a rape about 15 years ago. She said I was the first decent guy she'd ever been with.

About 4 weeks ago, while traveling on business (again, by her account, which I accept, but I have only her word for any of this), she was assaulted by a manager in her company. The police apparently didn't find enough evidence to file charges, she says, so he still works there, in a different city- but the word went around and people in her office are talking about her behind her back and to her face. I urged her to get the EEOC involved, since she's facing a very clear harassment situation. She's afraid they would just fire her. But once you file a complaint, it's illegal for the company to fire you in retaliation. Still no dice; she is determined that she can stick it out, even though she's throwing up before work from the stress.

I also urged her to get help from a crisis center of some kind; some type of mental health professional who she can talk to and work out some of the things that are going on (not just the current situation, because she says she has whole weeks where she can't sleep, going back years). She says her insurance doesn't cover mental health treatment. I have never heard of this, but OK. How about free crisis intervention? No; she will be okay, she says; she always is eventually. How about getting a different job? No; she doesn't think she could get another one that would pay enough.

And yet, about once a week all along, I've had to reassure her that I'm not "too good for her", and that she's not "stupid" (her words!!) because I have a master's degree and she didn't finish college. Her self-esteem is in the tank. She shows all the signs of a bipolar disorder, way up one week, down to the bottom the next.

And this week, she has been refusing to see me because "she's a wreck". Finally she wrote once again that she's "not good enough" and called herself "a filthy whore" (?!?!?!?!), blaming herself for the things that keep happening to her. This time she says a waiter brushed her breast and it's her fault. (?????) I don't know where the fuck she's getting these ideas. She's brought this up before, right after being assaulted; the idea that she "did something" to bring it on. I told her; no woman ever asks to be attacked. But she doesn't believe me, she blames herself and I don't know why. She wanted to take a break. From us? I asked. From everything, she replied. I reassured her that I love her (and I do), but now she's taken off out of state after a day where we barely communicated. Normally she would have bombed my phone with a dozen or forty "I love you" messages.

So while I love her, I'm not sure she loves herself. And I don't think love is enough if she's not going to take care of herself. I am not a mental health practitioner and I don't have it in me to ride the roller coaster of her emotions like this.

So after two sleepless nights, I finally told her I had no choice but to let her go. I asked her to please get help, from a crisis center, a victim's resource center, the church (she is sort of vaguely Xian but doesn't go anymore), anywhere. And to please apply for a job somewhere else and just see what happens.

And I apologized... because I'm sorry I couldn't be what she needed.

So anyway... I'm single again. Time to get back in the pool and reactivate my dating profiles, I guess.

Paul4747 8 Aug 10
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31 comments

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8

High drama. Some people employ this attention getting tactic to continually put a partner through the paces of reassuring and supporting and proving love over and over and over again. It's counterproductive because it's so emotionally fatiguing on the partner trying to be supportive. After a while you just have to declare you've had enough for the sake of your own sanity. The fact that she doesn't want to get help or go through channels to seek justice may indicate that her story is either untrue or at least over-embellished. You could expect this kind of drama or something similar throughout the relationship. It was wise to make an exit.

Deb57 Level 8 Aug 10, 2019

I agree it could be this. I have had platonic female friends who do the same thing. I've had to let go to save my own sanity.

This story has a familiar ring to it. She is always the victim, and needs more attention, space, consideration because of it. Yes, this sounds very familiar to me.

I just don't know. There are so many little things that don't add up in retrospect. Like when the landlord had decided to sell the house she was renting and they were going to have to find somewhere else to live by August... but then she got the fish tank out of the garage and filled it woth all new fish a couple days later. I wanted to ask, is this a wise decision right now? How are you going to move it? And then the landlord changed her mind.

It's all possibly true, and she's just really bad at making decisions, but it could be like Munchausen's syndrome where she needs attention at all times and something has to be wrong so she can have that sympathy. I know, when I went to a picnic with friends of hers, we stayed all afternoon, but when she met some friends of mine, she only stayed an hour or so and then left... because I was not paying full attention to her?

I have had female friends who play this game. Some with everyone in their lives, and some who focus it just on the man in their lives. It just astounds me, especially since it's so dishonest and inconsiderate. One woman I know has kept her husband on high alert for years, and is an entirely different person when he is not around to "torture," She says he likes to prove his love for her. Nasty business. We should want to make the lives of the people we love less stressful, not more so.

4

Having struggled with many of the same issues she told you she was, I would say it all sounds legit. I know it sounds really crazy, but when you've been abused, getting help can be terrifying. Taking responsibility for yourself and fixing your own problems can seem out of your reach, even when there are several simple solutions available to you. Sadly, it's really difficult to get through to people who are in that state and often it's best to let them go until they are able to take responsibility so that you don't get sucked into the drama. I hope she finds healing someday. And I hope things work out for you as well.

4

Try, try again. It's too bad it didn't work out for you two, but if we don't take care of our own emotional and physical self first, we can't take care of others. She needs to learn that, too. Good luck and have fun in the dating pool.

4

Paul, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. Be thankful and move on, my man. I drop this drama quick anymore. Being single is not all bad. It'll be more than ok!

He did indeed imo clear signs . Run away will robinson

@Bigwavedave Speaking of Lost In Space, wasn't the Doctor the main danger for the family anyway? How did he last so long without just getting dumped out the airlock?

Danger, Will Robinson! Dr Smith is a pedophile!

4

That is very sad for her. And she needs professional help. You did the right thing. I am sorry. That must be very hard. But truly, you can not help her.

Thank you. I'm truly not fishing for sympathy. But the thing is, I don't know many people in "real life". Y'all are really my family now more than anyone.

I have shared most of this with my daughter, but there are still some things you don't talk about with a 15 year old in that much detail... at least not if you're a divorced dad.

@Paul4747 Was going through a divorce that eventually took the family farm when I’d experienced much of the same. Had two daughters to finish raising, too. If I’d dare describe the stuff pulled on me, they’d get angry, then spout, “That’s Middle School stuff!” Really put it into perspective 🙂 Stay strong ~

@Paul4747 Oh no! I did not think you were fishing for sympathy at all. As a matter of fact you seem quite composed about it. And yes not something your daughter needs to know.

3

I have met many people like this. Their lives are a constant barrage of abuse, bad luck, persecution and disappointments. But at what point in your life do you cease being a victim and become a volunteer?

3

I've had insurance before that didn't cover mental health, specifically, the services I really needed the most. The USA doesn't take mental health seriously. So that can happen. But idk about the rest... She might be a train wreck about everything else, it's hard to say.

Kat Level 5 Aug 11, 2019
3

What a nightmare experience! I’m happy you were able to find the strength and resolve to leave.

Her issues are extreme and recurrent. Unfortunately, no one can help her but herself, though it sounds like that’s not gonna happen ... at least anytime soon.

3

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but it seems to me that you went above and beyond in this relationship. We can't help those who seemingly don't want to help themselves. I think you did the right thing by breaking it off.

Do you think something doesnt seem right here?

2

Wellcome back to my kingdom.

Edu_0 Level 4 Aug 11, 2019
2

She sounds like a really troubled person and that can certainly strain relationship.

Carin Level 8 Aug 11, 2019
2

Dealing with someone else's low self esteem is a lonely place to be. I'm sorry it worked out like that for you. I hope you can move forward. Hang in there chief. 😉

2

You did the right thing. She sounds like a bottomless pit of emotional baggage, and not managing it at all. We all have our baggage, but we certainly don't have to dump it in someone else's lap. I hope she takes your advice and gets some help.

Just as an FYI, my health insurance only covers "marriage" counseling. As a single person, if I need therapy, it comes out of my pocket. Nice, huh?!

Happy swimming in that pool!!

Thank you for that information. I guess I'm lucky with the insurance I have.

2

Good decision, man, she seems to have troubles surrounding her wherever she goes, and that's a bad sign. I'm sorry that you still love her because that makes it more difficult but you can do better. Good luck!

@merseyman1 I agree . Absolutely.

2

You sound like a very kind and compassionate person. It sure sounds like you did what you could to encourage her to get the help she needs. I hope she does eventually.

Best of luck to you, you seem like a keeper.

Thank you. I think I'll find the right one someday.

2

So sad, you’ll definitely find someone, the one who’s meant for you 😊

Praiz Level 3 Aug 10, 2019
2

"not sure she loves herself ?" Clearly she does not. Sounds like layer upon layer of issues that were birthed way before she met you. While I understand falling for a screwed up one (having done it), she sounds like a handful of trouble. I retired from "fixing" people long ago. The only good "fixer-uppers" are houses !

Best to ya !

2

You cannot fix "that broken". Find someone who has something to contribute! When yourpredominate state is worry/bolstering, it is not a relationship other than caretaker÷patient.

Well put.

1

If nothing else she can call 211 for help - they can put people in touch with no or low cost local resources.

Sorry this didn't work out for you.

1

Good thing you got out she sounds delusional or psychotic

bobwjr Level 10 Aug 10, 2019
1

Yes, and were did all your concern, time, and money go?

Most women always state men are the Evil ones who take advantage of poor little women!

I have found there are so many women scammers, frauds, fakes, and trolls!

I get sick of women preying on mem and never get what they deserve, the earned label of Predator!

They offer you so much, then when they get everything that they can, goodby!

The sad part we never see it coming!

I have lived this a few times, so do not tell how stupid or naive, at the time it seemed to be the right thing to do to help and aid another!!!

What a joke on me!!!

"There's good and bad people on both sides".
Oops! I think a stupid clown said this before on a different situation??

Um... you've misread this one entirely. I'm the one who feels like he took advantage.

She once drove 90 minutes round trip to give me a gift, leaving it in between my screen door because she knew I was at work. Last week she bought me bookcases from a guy on Facebook because I have books on the floor, and drove them up here. Her money. She gave me a pillow. I would give it back, but I don't want to get back into her life even that much. (And it would be insulting.)

This was no gold-digger. Maybe kind of clingy and obsessive, but not after my money.

way to make a post about a guy complaining about his breakup about your bitterness and misogyny towards women... you are a piece of work... get some help yourself, you need it.

1

Sounds like you did what you needed to do for your own well being. Life is a journey not a destination. Some paths in that journey have more bumps then others. Finding a different path in this situation is good for you. And likely good for her. If she has someone like you trying to help her all the time, she then can avoid doing the difficult task of seeking professional help. If she is going to be happy, she will have to drastically change her mindset. It is not easy to do and its scary when you first set out to do it. Many avoid it until they have no choice but to do it. Your leaving may help put her in the position that she has nowhere else to turn to, and then finally will seek out professional help seriously.

1

I'm sure you will find someone.

1

Sometimes you can't save a drowning person because they don't seem to even want to try to survive or just don't have it in them to survive any longer. Sounds like you did as much as possible for her. Time to save yourself and not let her pull you under. Like, LL, I am curious if it's someone from this site, so I can stay clear of her myself.

From OK Cupid.

1

Drama queen. Some people thrive on drama and conflict and she sounds like one of them.

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