It was a good run, 11 weeks, just short of 3 months... but now it's over. And I can't even say it's anything I did, even though I'm the one who decided to end it....
Initially she showed a lot of insecurity, but I accepted that as the results of her having had (as she said) several very bad relationships, one which was physically abusive, as well as a rape about 15 years ago. She said I was the first decent guy she'd ever been with.
About 4 weeks ago, while traveling on business (again, by her account, which I accept, but I have only her word for any of this), she was assaulted by a manager in her company. The police apparently didn't find enough evidence to file charges, she says, so he still works there, in a different city- but the word went around and people in her office are talking about her behind her back and to her face. I urged her to get the EEOC involved, since she's facing a very clear harassment situation. She's afraid they would just fire her. But once you file a complaint, it's illegal for the company to fire you in retaliation. Still no dice; she is determined that she can stick it out, even though she's throwing up before work from the stress.
I also urged her to get help from a crisis center of some kind; some type of mental health professional who she can talk to and work out some of the things that are going on (not just the current situation, because she says she has whole weeks where she can't sleep, going back years). She says her insurance doesn't cover mental health treatment. I have never heard of this, but OK. How about free crisis intervention? No; she will be okay, she says; she always is eventually. How about getting a different job? No; she doesn't think she could get another one that would pay enough.
And yet, about once a week all along, I've had to reassure her that I'm not "too good for her", and that she's not "stupid" (her words!!) because I have a master's degree and she didn't finish college. Her self-esteem is in the tank. She shows all the signs of a bipolar disorder, way up one week, down to the bottom the next.
And this week, she has been refusing to see me because "she's a wreck". Finally she wrote once again that she's "not good enough" and called herself "a filthy whore" (?!?!?!?!), blaming herself for the things that keep happening to her. This time she says a waiter brushed her breast and it's her fault. (?????) I don't know where the fuck she's getting these ideas. She's brought this up before, right after being assaulted; the idea that she "did something" to bring it on. I told her; no woman ever asks to be attacked. But she doesn't believe me, she blames herself and I don't know why. She wanted to take a break. From us? I asked. From everything, she replied. I reassured her that I love her (and I do), but now she's taken off out of state after a day where we barely communicated. Normally she would have bombed my phone with a dozen or forty "I love you" messages.
So while I love her, I'm not sure she loves herself. And I don't think love is enough if she's not going to take care of herself. I am not a mental health practitioner and I don't have it in me to ride the roller coaster of her emotions like this.
So after two sleepless nights, I finally told her I had no choice but to let her go. I asked her to please get help, from a crisis center, a victim's resource center, the church (she is sort of vaguely Xian but doesn't go anymore), anywhere. And to please apply for a job somewhere else and just see what happens.
And I apologized... because I'm sorry I couldn't be what she needed.
So anyway... I'm single again. Time to get back in the pool and reactivate my dating profiles, I guess.
High drama. Some people employ this attention getting tactic to continually put a partner through the paces of reassuring and supporting and proving love over and over and over again. It's counterproductive because it's so emotionally fatiguing on the partner trying to be supportive. After a while you just have to declare you've had enough for the sake of your own sanity. The fact that she doesn't want to get help or go through channels to seek justice may indicate that her story is either untrue or at least over-embellished. You could expect this kind of drama or something similar throughout the relationship. It was wise to make an exit.
Having struggled with many of the same issues she told you she was, I would say it all sounds legit. I know it sounds really crazy, but when you've been abused, getting help can be terrifying. Taking responsibility for yourself and fixing your own problems can seem out of your reach, even when there are several simple solutions available to you. Sadly, it's really difficult to get through to people who are in that state and often it's best to let them go until they are able to take responsibility so that you don't get sucked into the drama. I hope she finds healing someday. And I hope things work out for you as well.
I've had insurance before that didn't cover mental health, specifically, the services I really needed the most. The USA doesn't take mental health seriously. So that can happen. But idk about the rest... She might be a train wreck about everything else, it's hard to say.
What a nightmare experience! I’m happy you were able to find the strength and resolve to leave.
Her issues are extreme and recurrent. Unfortunately, no one can help her but herself, though it sounds like that’s not gonna happen ... at least anytime soon.
You did the right thing. She sounds like a bottomless pit of emotional baggage, and not managing it at all. We all have our baggage, but we certainly don't have to dump it in someone else's lap. I hope she takes your advice and gets some help.
Just as an FYI, my health insurance only covers "marriage" counseling. As a single person, if I need therapy, it comes out of my pocket. Nice, huh?!
Happy swimming in that pool!!
"not sure she loves herself ?" Clearly she does not. Sounds like layer upon layer of issues that were birthed way before she met you. While I understand falling for a screwed up one (having done it), she sounds like a handful of trouble. I retired from "fixing" people long ago. The only good "fixer-uppers" are houses !
Best to ya !
Yes, and were did all your concern, time, and money go?
Most women always state men are the Evil ones who take advantage of poor little women!
I have found there are so many women scammers, frauds, fakes, and trolls!
I get sick of women preying on mem and never get what they deserve, the earned label of Predator!
They offer you so much, then when they get everything that they can, goodby!
The sad part we never see it coming!
I have lived this a few times, so do not tell how stupid or naive, at the time it seemed to be the right thing to do to help and aid another!!!
What a joke on me!!!
Sounds like you did what you needed to do for your own well being. Life is a journey not a destination. Some paths in that journey have more bumps then others. Finding a different path in this situation is good for you. And likely good for her. If she has someone like you trying to help her all the time, she then can avoid doing the difficult task of seeking professional help. If she is going to be happy, she will have to drastically change her mindset. It is not easy to do and its scary when you first set out to do it. Many avoid it until they have no choice but to do it. Your leaving may help put her in the position that she has nowhere else to turn to, and then finally will seek out professional help seriously.
Sometimes you can't save a drowning person because they don't seem to even want to try to survive or just don't have it in them to survive any longer. Sounds like you did as much as possible for her. Time to save yourself and not let her pull you under. Like, LL, I am curious if it's someone from this site, so I can stay clear of her myself.