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He told me he's a psychopath.

On Christmas Day, my friend Bruce called. Funny and wise, Bruce is a counselor and atheist. He moved to Texas to be close to his kids. "How's your dating life?" he asked. I told him about meeting a new man who scared me.

"You look like a victim," the man said during lunch at a restaurant in January 2019.

"I don't feel like a victim!" I protested. "I walk fast with good posture, constantly scanning around me. Never look at my phone or in my purse while walking."

"Because you are thin, you look easy to grab," he said.

"That's a terrible thing to say to a small woman," I gasped, horrified. He chilled me to my core. Of course I refused a second date.

"He told you he's a psychopath," Bruce said. "It's good you didn't see him again."

That man's words haunt me. He took a chunk out of my already shaky feelings about being safe in the world as a small woman.

Your thoughts?

LiterateHiker 9 Dec 27
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40 comments

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7

ALL women should take a self-defense course.
Even if they think they're a badass.
Stature is irrelevant if you know how to defend yourself.
The tiniest person (man or woman) can take down someone significantly
larger, IF they know what to do.
Even if there is a weapon involved, be ready to FIGHT.
Whatever you do, do NOT allow yourself to be taken to another location.
Make a scene. Attract attention to yourself and your would-be attacker.
Run into the middle of the street. Risk being hit by a car. Your odds are better
with the car.
Do NOT be "nice". Nice will get you killed.

The biggest factor in being able to protect yourself is NOT being
afraid to inflict pain upon someone who has no problem inflicting pain
on you. Fight for your life, every time.
Don't be "nice". Keep your guard up.

Take a self-defense course.
Learn to use what you have available, keys, glasses, cellphone, whatever
you carry on you.
Be ready to harm someone who is willing to harm you.
Learn to resist the urge to hesitate. Resist the urge to give people the benefit
of the doubt.

Do not allow fear to paralyze you into inaction.

You know, a couple years ago I got to spend a day with all three of my kids. The two youngest (30's) still tease. It was very reassuring (maybe odd for some) when my son pestered his sister about demonstrating her kicks and then punches at him. When he stopped to tell her to change up her style and then asked about breaking a nose, my daughter said, very firmly, "I know how to break a nose!"

When in a situation where danger is apparent, as I was taught many many years ago, aim the heel of your hand directly at the tip of the nose and drive the heel of hand into it with every ounce of strength you can muster, the impact not only fractures the nasal bones, it also causes the most intense pain imaginable and the eyes literally flood with tears blinding the assailant, given you a chance of either landing another forceful blow to the Genitalia region or running like hell away as fast as your feet can carry you.

@Triphid Yep.

@KKGator A quick and forceful blow to the 'Family Jewels' on any man will bring him down faster than a ton of bricks from a roof-top.
He will be writhing in agony, crying his eyes out, retching his guts up and holding his 'family jewels' in both cupped hands for quite some time.
I have a really fair idea how it would feel because I once copped the towing hitch end of a trailer in that very region when a friend's young son decided to jump into the rear of the trailer while I was trying to attach it to the car.

@Triphid Always a good target, but if out of position, a useless one.
It's necessary to know multiple soft targets which will inflict maximum
pain. It's also helpful to be able to hit several in rapid succession.

@KKGator The nose first, then, if possible, a knuckled fore fingers to the eyes, followed by a rapid, full strength punch to the solar plexus and then, IF you truly want a bit the old ' I told you No' the knee or fist to the 'family jewels' as the coup de gras ….LOL.
Usually, as a friend who was a Martial Arts trainer taught my daughter, those in as quick a succession as possible, will bring down even the biggest and strongest of attackers into a screaming, blubbering heap.

@Triphid Slapping cupped hands over the ears is also rather disabling and a rude shock that few anticipate. So is a poke in the eyes, disables the main means of tracking you. Small men (like me) need to know some useful dirty tricks too.

@alliwant I mentioned both men and women in my initial response.
Good suggestions, too.

@KKGator Even a kick or punch to the crotch of female can bring her to her knees.

7

I'm small too - but I carry a big attitude ... and some nifty defense moves.

Small can be still be mighty. Ask any female Cop, or practitioner of martial arts, or a Mom protecting her kid. !

He was playing with your mind, and your protesting was just what he wanted to hear. F him.

6

Anti-social personality disorder for sure.... sociopath and psychopath are no longer terms that are really used clinically speaking. Unfortunately societies don't properly treat people with cluster B personality disorders, they really should be quarantined and studied for a potential cure, especially when the negative psychological impacts they tend to have on other people makes them no different than an infectious disease.

As a practicing sociopath, I find you annoying:

6

A self defence course for women, might help you feel stronger.

6

Two words - pepper spray! They do not have to be on top of you for you to use it. And honestly size has nothing to do with it - I am 5'9" - there are way too many crazies out there.

5

When a man tells you what he can do to you...believe him. When he says he’s to good for you...believe him. If you ever feel threatened, deep down in your gut, by anyone...believe it. You were right and it wasn’t about you...it was about him!!! He’s the creep YOU are not to blame for his creepiness. So glad you are okay and nothing horrific happened to you. Don’t give up! Next time you’ll know right away if the guy is creepy.

5

Would a true psychopath inform someone they were a psychopath? I'm not an expert but from what I've read narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths like to groom their victims over time. Some articles that I've read suggest the grooming process is what these individuals with personality disorders really like best. Making someone believe they are someone they are not.

He wasn't much of a psychopath if he was informing you of this. But then maybe he was appealing to your fear, so he could swoop in and play "protector." You just had a different reaction than the one he expected.

Some men just don't get it. Kind of like a date I went on where the guy opened up the conversation with, "I should warn you that I really don't like American women." I let him buy me a meal and then I was on my way.

@linxminx

Bruce, a clinical counselor, called him a psychopath.

@linxminx

I disagree. His comment was cruel and extremely insensitive.

@LiterateHiker As a qualified Psychologist, though I mostly work with children and younger people under the age of 25-30, I'd hazard to say that this man exhibits symptoms of both Sociopathic and Psychopathic tendencies.
My humble suggestion is Stay well away from him at ALL costs.

@LiterateHiker You misunderstood. I think his comment was mean too, not to mention bizarre and weird, and you did the right thing not seeing him again. I misunderstood because I thought the date stated he was a psychopath, when it was your friend instead.

4

He sounds creepy and dangerous. Trust your instincts. From your responses, you are taking good precautions. This is not a reflection on you; he's just a warped guy.

4

There is a sexist double standard in his statement too... does he tell thin or fit men they look like victims? And easy to grab? Doubtful. Because he does not envision men as being grabbed and sexually assaulted. If anything, he may tell them they would lose in a fist fight, but not that someone would grab them, even though many easily could, including bigger/stronger women.

4

You should have said something like "No actually tonight you'll be the victim, I'm thirsty." and then flashed him your fangs.

4

So sorry honey carry a pocket knife and learn how to use it, learn self defense. Would teach you if I were closer just to help you feel safer

bobwjr Level 10 Dec 27, 2019

I have a (fake) pearl-handled lock blade that looks like a stiletto. Feminine and useful. hahahahahaha

3

Bullet dodged....stay away and be open to signs such as these and avoid those.

3

That would have scared the daylights out of me, too.

Deb57 Level 8 Dec 27, 2019
3

I was seeing someone who told me he was going to kill me in my sleep. We’d been drinking and so I let him stay. The first thing I thought on waking was, he didn’t then!
He never stayed again, and on breaking up I heard the refrains, no one will want you, you’re crazy etc. hmm I’d have been crazy not to kick him to the kerb!
Got chocolates and flowers this Christmas and lots of hugs... I’ve done better 😊

P.s. agreed, YOU made the right choice of not seeing him again; your friend just confirmed it. You’re making good choices based on the information/ red flags/ deal breakers received.

3

I'm not sure one could positively identify him a psychopath from just that exchange. But one thing is certain, he definitely lacks tact........

3

I think you are not discerning enough about the strange people you are dating’

If you think it is so easy to spot a psychopath or narcissist, then you would be easy prey. Because they are so subtle and sneaky, you would never see them coming. Especially as they are love bombing you! Master manipulators those fckers are.... I had a family member that was a narc and if you met her, you'd think she was a lovely nice lady. XD

@demifeministgal This!!!

Don't act like a judgmental asshole.
You really have NO idea what you're talking about.
You're also being damned insulting.
Which makes you seem an even bigger asshole.
You really ought to apologize to @LiterateHiker
Your comment was completely uncalled for.

@KKGator But thoughts were asked for! If a request for thoughts had not been asked for I would have said nothing.

I could also have said as a thought, “that’s shocking, I feel really bad for you”, which I do, but many other people will say that so no point, My comment is just another view of the situation.

@motrubl4u Thanks for knowing me. A troll is disruptive not someone who makes honest comment when they are asked to make one!

@Geoffrey51

Stop blaming me. Online dating is like a blind date. Before meeting, I:

  1. Insist on a phone conversation.

  2. Look up the man on WA Courts- Search Case Records.

  3. Arrange to meet at a safe public place like a cafe' for lunch. (daylight)

  4. Arrive early. Tell the waiter I'm meeting a new man. Arrange a signal with the waiter if things go south. Ask if someone can walk me to my car. Restaurant staff are happy to help.

@motrubl4u that's certainly not the Geoffry I recognise and I think he as a point as Literate hiker seems to be very unlucky in the men she dates.

@Moravian Thanks Moravian. That means a lot. If we didn’t live 12,000 miles apart I’d buy you a scotch!

@Moravian, @motrubl4u Thanks Motrubl,you obviously took the time to read my previous posts and comments before making such a detailed and erudite observation.

@LiterateHiker Not blaming you at all! You asked for thoughts, which I gave. I understand you seem to be having a difficult time at the moment in that department and if I caused you any distress in any way I apologise.

Please take the response in the spirit that it was sent as a reaction to a question and not a criticism of yourself.

@Geoffrey51

You wrote: "I think you are not discerning enough about the strange people you are dating."

You are blaming me for men's bad behavior. Although I appreciate your apology, look at what you wrote.

Try empathy instead.

@Geoffrey51 it’s not the person I recognise you as either....I think the term “troll” is bandied about here without thought or actual justification, any comment contrary to the majority view seems to be given that label. I have stopped short of giving my opinions on some threads because of the negative comments which I know they will elicit.

@Marionville Thanks Marj. It seems to be a term used toward anyone who has an opinion outside of the expected norm.

This is why I am not engaging so much. Most of the erudite and informed have departed and there seems to be a brand of knee-jerk reactionaries in their place.

Apart from two or three individuals, the days of proactive, intelligent discussion seem to have gone.

@demifeministgal you nailed it.

@Geoffrey51 Thanks mate. A 12 year old Glenlivit would be lovely 😉

These are likely fabricated and/or enhanced to earn points.

3

If you're fit, you can outrun him. It makes you look less easy to grab, in my opinion. Some men try to scare you into needing them. I was married to one.

These perpetrators ARE NOT MEN they are boy diseased animals manipulative predatory cretins of male entitlement

2

I just hope the next guy you meet makes you feel safe and protected instead of deceived or threatened. You're due for that.

2

Sorry you had to go through that. Good thing that your instincts picked up immediately how inappropriate he was. Gut feelings don't lie.

2

I think Bruce fancies himself as a little more capable than he could possibly be, given the information he was given. It wasn’t a great date, the guy didn’t give a good impression and if it was an attempt at a joke it fell flat. If he is a super straight forward guy then he missed the mark on this subject, especially on a first date. Could he be a psychopath? I guess so, like anyone else, but you can’t just infer a serious psychological condition from someone saying something a bit creepy.

@makeshiftmania

Bruce is an old friend. He was a Baptist minister before becoming an atheist. A clinical counselor who supervises other counselors, Bruce is highly intelligent, funny and wise. I trust Bruce's judgment.

What that man said was NOT "a joke that fell flat." What he said was cruel, horrifying and extremely insensitive. What he said chilled me to my core. It's not "a bit creepy." As a small woman, I don't feel safe in this world.

Don't be an insensitive jerk. Show empathy instead.

@LiterateHiker I presume it isn’t me you are calling an insensitive jerk?

@makeshiftmania

You minimized my feelings by calling it "an attempt at a joke that fell flat." This is typical of men who are insensitive jerks.

2

You really know how to pick them!

I hate it when people say that, especially when a woman is describing surviving a predator. Nobody "picks" a predator.

@Mofo1953

Don't blame me for men's bad behavior. Online dating is like a blind date. Before meeting, I:

  1. Insist on a phone conversation.

  2. Look up the man on WA Courts- Search Case Records.

  3. Arrange to meet at a safe public place like a cafe' for lunch. (daylight)

  4. Arrive early. Tell the waiter I'm meeting a new man. Arrange a signal with the waiter if things go south. Ask if someone can walk me to my car. Restaurant staff are happy to help.

@LiterateHiker sorry, my attempt at being funny in a one liner didn't work.

2

...and that is when you get up and leave.

Carry mace. Carry Mace with a UV tracer in it.

Take self defense courses.

And make sure on those first dates someone has that person's information other than you - even if you are just sending it to a friend in an email. (photos etc.).

2

You have THE DAMNDEST time finding a compatible fellow!!!

@bigpawbullets

In America today, 90% of men are obese or overweight, and 60% of women. Lots of men are attracted to me.

Studies show with online dating, 80% of men and women lie about their age, weight, height (short guys), profession, marital status, etc.

You never know who is going to show up. It's like a blind date.

@vjohnson51

My photos are dated with the month and year. My main photo was taken on 11/14/2019.

"I got you to meet me, didn't I?" a man asked defensively. "It's marketing."

"It's lying!" I retorted.

He saw my face when he stepped out of his truck. His profile said he was 55. He looked like the grandfather of the man in his photos (actually, his son). He admitted to being 74. Liar. He looked older.

@LiterateHiker I've had women have friends stake out the meeting location. If a guy that deceptive arrives, the friend alerts the woman and they both get the fuck out of Dodge before any meeting occurs.

@CallMeDave
Terrifying. Do they descend upon the guilty fellow at the signal of the offended "date"? Claw hammers and pitchforks raised over their heads, ready to strike???

@vjohnson51

"I got a manicure for this?" I thought. I let him buy me lunch. After all, I drove to the summit of Stevens Pass.

The funniest part was when he showed me a cashier's check for a million dollars made out to him. He had sold a house in Seattle.

Apparently he thought money was catnip to women. Delusional.

@bigpawbullets yes

2

Go with your instincts.

Instincts are good. Skills are even better.

2

Concealed carry

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