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"How do you feel about a friendship that could lead to more?" a man asked today.

He lives in Illinois and I live in Washington State. He messaged me on Agnostic.com.

My reply:

All of my boyfriends have been a friend (we enjoy each other's company), hiking partner and lover. We live too far apart to develop a relationship. I'm a passionate hiker. Illinois is too darn flat. I know because I grew up in Michigan. Good luck with your search. Kathleen

I attached these hiking photos to show the difference between our lifestyles and where we live.

With online relationships, we miss out on sensory information like body language, touch and smell. Nothing is real until you meet.

Your thoughts?

LiterateHiker 9 Aug 18
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31 comments

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14

He must have messaged a lot of us as I got the exact same message. My reply was "Depends on how fast you expect the "more" to happen."

I don't expect to be the only person being messaged, but the exact same message? That's tacky.

What if the "more" turns out he just wants someone to do his laundry and fix his meals and sex doesn't even apply?

yes, it seems he has sent the same message to many women , I though he's doing some survey or poll .. I was in a sarcastic mood, I just asked him what more is ?

@Sgt_Spanky Doesn't matter as I live almost 200 miles from him.

On my old, pre-Web (we still use something like telnet!) NYC online community, one new member asked several women at once if each would like to go to the zoo with him. I was privileged to be privy to their discussing him freely. Maybe they could've each said yes, and showed up en masse.

He still stayed around for a few years. He had no clue. Or didn't care.

I used to love hiking, alone or with a friend or in groups (Meetups and AMC). But my last two partners couldn't (one with Raynaud's, the other with instability leading to an implant). Any future hiking will be flatland indeed. On my old hikes, I heard those called caterpillar trails. Breakneck Ridge, I miss you.

11

We must have hurt his feelings. Oh well.

@kiramea

His username was: @honfox4. Same guy?

@LiterateHiker Yep.

9

when I decide to go out to hike on the mountain, which is very infrequently, I look for very flat mountains.

7

I'm the polar opposite. I see NO logical reason to be online attempting to meet/date by making it a zip-code issue right up front. If there was someone living next door to me that I'd want to have a relationship with, I'd certainly not bother with all the online meeting/dating stuff I've done over the past two decades, I'd be dating the dude next door.

Unless you're willing to learn someone else's passions, hobbies, likes, etc., why on earth try to couple? I totally get your hiking thing, but I can assure you, there is a whole LOT of hiking outside of Washington State. In fact, my former from Anchorage and I spent more time in the wonders of the Alaskan wilderness hiking, skiing, and enjoying some of the most pristine/rugged beauty in the entire Northern Hemisphere than we ever did in Idaho/Washington/Oregon, and they're all gorgeous in their own rights. We also both lived on the east coast and in central US, but never living together, but always very much together.

That said, if you're limiting your options to your interests and your hobbies/passions, why bother trying to add someone to the mix? I'm not dissing on you, but you post these types of posts a LOT and the answer is always the same: there's no one that's going to be what you're looking for because you're not open to merging, you want to add someone to YOUR already established life. Which is more than fine and the very reason I no longer bother. I KNOW there's no one that's going to work for me, so why waste anyone's time?

That's just how I see it. If you'd be open to traveling and hiking elsewhere? You'd open your life to things you never knew were out there and you just might meet someone that doesn't live in Washington state but is a good fit for you. You don't need to live in the same geographical location to be in a healthy, happy, loving, long-term relationship. (My BF was in Alaska, I was in Idaho. For nearly 15 years we lived all over the US, but never together. We were closer than my husband ever were living in the same house. Geography is just location, distance is a matter of the heart.)

@SeaGreenEyez

I have just about given up. With online dating, it seems I've been meeting the leftovers.

I agree with @SeaGreenEyez. We can sometimes be too picky for our own good. I know I’m guilty of the same.

@LiterateHiker I don't think you need to give up. I think you just need to remember that it's supposed to be fun, exciting, and it's about giving, not just receiving. Maybe you could meet someone awesome in Utah. Some of the BEST hiking in America. Or maybe Alaska, like I did. Then again, there's a whole LOT of peace of mind in just not bothering. I have an ex in Idaho and about once a year we go on a long Harley ride, we talk old times, and that's that. (No, we don't bother with ex sex.) But I find that he fills my need to be around a delicious smelling man once a year. LOL)

@SeaGreenEyez

With my only child in the Seattle area, I don't want to move far away.

@LiterateHiker You don't need to move. There are trains, planes and automobiles. Believe me, there are some GREAT benefits to have a relationship with someone that doesn't live in the same location as you do. You can love someone and NOT have to move. Every dates a honeymoon. Just sayin'.

@SeaGreenEyez

Good point. I feel happy living alone.

I've been conversing with an Agnostic member out of my area every day for months. We will always be friends. May never meet in person. I knew I needed to meet someone locally so I tried Match not expecting it to produce more than a few dates with different people. Something unexpected happened. I met the nicest guy ever!!!! Bob is softspoken, intelligent, attractive and spontaneous like me. We just click. Its only been a month but we both have feelings for each other. We enjoy each other's company. We accept each other for who we are. That is most important.

7

For me, long distance is fine and acceptable for on line friendship, pen pal, chat buddy but that is about it. Of course, there are always exceptions to every rule.

Back when chat rooms were big there was one I was on frequently. I was on swing shift at the time, so it was a nice way to unwind after work since the rest of my family was asleep. It was a locally focused group for Portland, OR. So, anyway, I had several friends on there, a couple of which I went to coffee with occasionally or saw at the gym. But, our chat group was also popular with Australians for some reason. One younger lady from Australia I was friends with (still am on FB) met her husband on there. He lived about an hour away from me. After about a year, he went to Australia to meet her. They ended up getting married and have 5 kids. They have a big spread over there.

@OldMetalHead It certainly can and does happen.

6

Totally agree. If I am talking to someone on line - I meet asap. Thats how I met my new boyfriend Bob. We met for coffee and hit it off spending the whole day together visiting state parks and Lake Saratoga. Sometimes you just click. I am so in like right now-its only been a month but we are spending weekends together getting to know each other in an open and honest relationship. Touch is so important. We are both very tactile. I get long distance pms here as well. I knew I had to meet someone locally and 20 minutes apart is just right for now. I don't know where this is going - we just like spending time as friends as well. We have many common interests and our birthdays are 6 days apart.

5

Kind of makes me think of The Sound of Music seeing you in that picture.

5

Absolutely. Nothing is real until you actually meet in person. I will talk to a person for possibly a week, no more than 2 weeks before I insist that we meet. Because you don't have a clue how you will feel about that person until you sit face to face with each other and talk. One gathering, one meeting is all it takes to know if it's worth meeting for a second time or continuing to talk.

each meeting tells you if another is worthwhile. after a number of good meetings a not-so-good one can be considered an anomaly

5

JFC!!!
I am so damned glad that I am done.
LOL

4

I got the same thing. Almost as obvious as "Hello, gorgeous!"

@BufftonBeotch

If you read the replies, the scammer sent the same message to you, @tinkercreek, @itsmedammit, @kiramea and me. And to other women, most likely.

Glad Agnostic.com deleted his profile. Haha!

@LiterateHiker I did read that. I give most messages a day or two to rest before I respond. Especially when they are that generic.

@LiterateHiker Yeah, I got the same message. It was off-putting to me. But I did respond with as little effort as he put into his message.

4

I had the same from him. I just ignore those sorts, and they go away.

@itsmedannit

His username was @honfox4. Same guy?

@LiterateHiker Does this need to be public? I mean, if a guy is a creep, I get it, but this guy worked up the nerve to (sorta) hit on a woman which is super hard as is. I know most men don't get what it's like getting hit on constantly, but you guys don't know that the other side of the coin is like either.

@LiterateHiker Yes, I just assumed scammer.

@JeffMurray

His profile vanished. Admin realized he was a scammer. Poof!

4

It would have to be a one in Ten million guy to make you move from your location and life style ,he would have to accept all the changes if you really fell in Love and for him to move to you,,Your pics remind me of the sound of music,so very beautiful

@RoyMillar

You got that right. My daughter, an only child, lives in Washington State. I want to stay near her.

Family First

4

You nailed it.

3

Doesn't sound like subtlety is his strong suit.

2

That scammer sent me the same message! Check out his profile for grammer & sentence patterns, a few other reliable clues. Busted.

Update: looks like admin took care of them, thanks!!

2

I know all you ladies are used to having to carry that big stick when you go into town for beating them fellas back if you need to, but I got a feeling this fellow or person was looking for money.

2

If he was real - this is one of those calls that is purely up to individuals.

I have a non-immediate family member who met someone online, in a non-dating chat room. She lives in NYC, he lived in Australia. Over time they found endless commonalities and bonded. Finally she went there to meet him - he came to NY to see her - one more trip to Australia, and he moved to NY. They've been married 9yrs now.

Seems to depend on how solidly someone is planted where they are, and if someone is willing to make a major change for the potential of love to last.

For me, at the most, I might move within my State - but that's it.

The guy in this case appears to be a scammer. Could b wrong. He may just be ignorant in his approach, but I doubt it. Totally different situation than your relative's.

@itsmedammit Of course it's a different situation. Simply addressing the basic premise of the post, and the possibilities - IF someone is the real deal.

2

Great photos, as always. Lovely place. I can't blame you for wanting to stay there. 🙂

@BestWithoutGods

Thank you. I love the mountains of Washington State.

2

How did I never know you’re a Kathleen? (From another Kathleen) ❤️

@Apunzelle

Hi Kathleen! What's your middle name? Mine is Anne.

Half-Irish, I'm a born storyteller. And you?

@LiterateHiker No middle name! No one in my family has one. Odd, no?

Half German, half Irish. ☘️

2

Well, most of us are socially distanced right now (even in the same state) so there's that. Ultimately, the long distance stuff is a decision that will have different factors for everyone. For me, I'd rather find my true partner and compromise on other stuff (like where to live). I've lived in some really cool places and enjoyed these locations.... Would enjoy finding the right guy for me even more. Definitely meeting at least by Zoom and in person (if it's safe with COVID19) will tell you a lot. Best of luck to you guys!

@jif32119

Not interested in a flatlander. I'm through with teaching guys to hike.

Many men won't listen to a woman and do dangerous, bonehead things in the mountains.

@LiterateHiker Sounds like you already have your answer. Glad you know what you like and what your dealbreakers are. Happy hiking! Beautiful mountain pics btw.

2

Good response. North Carolina’s got mountains but a lot older than the Rockies and not as challenging.

@BudFrank

Thanks. I appreciate you.

2

Having grown up in Chicago, I can confirm, Yes, Illinois is very flat. Except around Galena, which is close to Iowa. Then you get some hilly areas. No mountains anywhere.

1

Very cool 😎😎

bobwjr Level 10 Aug 19, 2020
1

Nothing is real until you meet

I think that helps explain why women are so resistant to meeting.

@BitFlipper

You are mistaken.

I refuse to get all twitterpated over a man before meeting. Nothing ruins the fun and good times like loading them up with expectations in advance.

Wisely keeping my expectations in check does not stop me from meeting men. I enjoy meeting new people.

@LiterateHiker I'm not talking about you, Kathleen. I'm talking about the women I encounter who insist on keeping it unreal.

I enjoy meeting women, and for me it's an accomplishment in itself. I'm struck by number of women who like to chat but never want to meet.

1

Many women, maybe half, say they are looking for a friend, maybe more, or "friends first". Both of those formulations seem so obvious that I wonder what hidden meanings stand behind them. Maybe those women are speaking to themselves as much as to men they haven't met yet.

Probably to suss out the ones that turn out to be assholes or douchebags or abusers. I do it by chatting for awhile online. Others are in more of a rush, so state friendship and meet right away and give themselves that out in case it turns out the guy is a creep is dangerous or there is no spark. Plus, one's romantic partner SHOULD be your friend in addition to partner. Otherwise, wtf are you two doing together? Just having sex and sharing time together? :/

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