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LINK 17 Sex Tricks Men Learn From Porn That Women Wish We Could Wipe From Your Brain

Yes, women can tell when a man watches too much porn

By Carlyn Beccia

When Shakespeare wrote “all the world’s a stage,” he probably didn’t imagine our private sex lives becoming stages. Unfortunately, our modern world has placed even sex on a grand stage.

In 1970, legendary sex researchers Masters and Johnson coined the term “spectatoring” to refer to sex in which someone focuses on a third-person perspective instead of one’s sensations and partner. Spectatoring is the opposite of mindfulness. Often, spectatoring is the root of body image issues and performance fears.

Pleasure should never feel performative. Unfortunately, much of porn culture feeds spectatoring.

The damage begins when men watch male porn stars perform sex acts with female porn stars feigning pleasure. Men then repeat those sex tricks with real women. Real women are also watching porn and are conditioned to believe they should moan, squirt, and orgasm to what they see in porn. When they don’t get the same results, they fake orgasms because they don’t want to hurt the man’s ego.

Thus, we have a vicious cycle of women playacting their pleasure and men never learning how to please a woman.

We can do better.

The following are some bad habits that creep inside the brains of porn aficionados.

Tongue flicking
In porn, a man’s tongue flicks like a cobra because that looks hot on screen. In reality, some women prefer suction. Don’t believe me? Just look at the hottest selling vibrators. What do they have in common? Suction. There aren’t a lot of tongue-flicking vibrators on the market.

Pounding her like a carpet
Yes, some women like rough sex. Most do not. Especially if she has a sensitive clitoris, having sex like you are whipping a mule is not fun.

Let’s think about the mechanics of a woman’s vagina. If a man is thrusting hard and fast, it doesn’t give her enough time to squeeze her PC muscles around your penis as you thrust in and out. And that squeezing motion is what draws blood to the genitals. No blood to the genitals…no arousal. It is that simple.

So save the jackhammering for when you are breaking up concrete, not her lady bits.

Bending the story arc
Sure, everyone loves a quickie now and again. But when you always skip the intro, sex isn’t enjoyable. And sometimes, it can be downright painful.

How would you feel if she sucked hard on your penis while it was soft? And I mean really hard.

In porn, none of the usual arousal signs are there. For example, her glans clitoris gets larger when she is aroused. Then, her back may arch at the point of release, her chest gets flushed, or her legs shake with tremors. None of these physical responses exist with porn stars for a reason — they are acting.

And please do not judge her readiness by wetness. Sometimes a woman is very wet and not aroused, and sometimes she is aroused and not wet. This is called non-concordance arousal.

Choking her with your dick
Most women don’t want to feel like they are getting a tracheotomy during sex. Please ask before doing this. There’s nothing sexy about igniting her gag reflex.

Changing the channel
This one especially annoys me. Every time a man changes position when a woman is about to orgasm, an angel loses its wings.

In porn, they change the sex position frequently because if they didn’t…people would get bored watching. Watching and participating is not the same.

The same goes for oral sex. When she is about to orgasm, the glans clitoris retracts under the hood. This is not the time to stop. Please…Please, please, don’t stop then. To be clear, I am not advising that you never change positions, but if you have her on the edge, keep doing what you are doing.

Running the sex marathon
Porn teaches men that the longer they last, the better. Yeah, so women don’t need sex to last hours. We especially don’t need penetration to last hours.

Making the penis the star of the show
Sorry, but your penis is only one tool in your bag of tricks, and for many women, it is least likely to make her orgasm. You should know the statistics by now — only 50% of women orgasm from penetration alone. Women will stick like Flex Seal to men who give great oral. But if most of sex is penetration, she isn’t coming back for more.

The money shot
Yes, I know it looks hot in porn, but ask yourself this — when you are done masturbating, would you take your cum and give yourself a facial with it? If you wouldn’t smear your cum on your face, don’t do it to her. Again, I don’t want to speak for all women, but I assure you…if you cum on her face without asking first, she will find someone who doesn’t demean her.

The best sex is the most comfortable sex. And treating someone like a waste bin is not comforting.

Cumming in someone’s face is also dangerous if it gets in her eyes. There’s nothing sexy about ocular herpes.

Anal play without warning
For the love of clenched sphincters, please don’t ram anything in her butt hole without foreplay.

In porn, penises and fingers just slip right in like you are basting a turkey. Porn stars have trained themselves to relax their anal sphincters. This takes time and trust.

Think of her butt hole like a delicate flower that needs to open its bud sloooooowly. Stop crushing her delicate flower.

Not wearing a condom
In fantasy land, STDs do not exist. Many porn stars get tested weekly because their job requires it. If you have not exchanged STD tests, wrap it up.

Taking sex too seriously
You won’t find too much comedy in porn. But laughter and lust combine into one heady cocktail. Sex is messy and not always glamorous. So bring your sense of humor to the party.

Grabbing her head during oral sex
Gentlemen, you are not potty training a Labrador puppy. If you force her head onto your penis, I guarantee she will not learn what you want. If you need her to go faster or harder, use your words. Try — “faster” or “harder” or “just like that.” Women are amazingly gifted at taking instructions.

Finger banging
Are you playing pinball or trying to pleasure her? Sure, some women like hard finger thrusting, but many do not. Similar to thrusting with your penis, a finger thrusting hard and fast does not give her enough time to squeeze her PC muscles. And if you have not trimmed your fingernails…ouch.

Some women do not like their g-spot stroked because it is too sensitive. So read the manual before you poke out her vulva with your finger.

Slapping or biting her breasts
Especially if it is near her period, her breasts are extra sensitive. Breasts are kind of funny. Research shows when you stimulate her nipples, she releases oxytocin — the hormone released by the pituitary gland. Oxytocin has been called the “cuddle hormone” for a reason. It makes her want to never leave your side.

Oxytocin not only increases social bonding but also increases serotonin and dopamine — the neurotransmitters that cause that happy butterfly feeling. Think of gentle nipple stimulation as two magical buttons to turn on trust and lower inhibitions.

Not using your hands
Porn rarely shows a man GENTLY using his hands to pleasure a woman. But there are places fingers can go that a tongue or a penis cannot. For example, some women like the old come hither motion with your finger while performing oral sex. (Some do not.)

God gave us opposable thumbs for a reason. Use them.

Ending sex after you orgasm
This is the biggest offender of all. In porn, the male orgasm is the grande finale. The pièce de résistance. The deus ex machina. You get the idea.

Orgasming together is wonderful, but sex isn’t synchronized swimming. If she hasn’t orgasmed and you have, finish her. You don’t have limp fingers or a limp tongue.

Insisting that she orgasm
The one phrase women never want to hear is, “Baby, you came, right?” If you have to ask, she probably did not.

Either way, the time to ask this question is not in the heat of the moment. Couples should definitely discuss their sexual proclivities (here’s a guide to help) but not during sex.

And sometimes you put in your best non-porn efforts, and her body is just not cooperating. And that’s ok. If you pressure her to orgasm, she will feel like her body is defective. And feeling defective is never sexy.

Better yet, think of a time you lost your erection. What’s the worst thing a woman can do? Make a big deal about it, right? It’s not a big deal.

Sex is a lot like soufflés. Sometimes you get puffy, explosive, yumminess. And sometimes…it just falls flat.

Unfortunately, an orgasm is not something you can tie up with a bow and gift to someone. If it were, I would gift every reader a mind-blowing orgasm for getting through this finger-wagging lecture.

Bad habits are hard to break. And porn definitely creates some bad sex habits. But porn also can help couples release inhibitions, give you ideas, or get you turned on when you are not feeling sexy. Humans are visual creatures, and our eyes will always delight in seeing pleasure that feeds our fantasies.

But much of today’s porn has a one-size-fits-all approach that leans toward domination and degradation. That role-playing can open doors in many relationships that are built on trust. It can also slam the breaks on her orgasm.

HippieChick58 9 May 21
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32 comments

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15

OMG yes! I have recently had to schedule a plumber, I never even once considered the other possibilities! The plumber is scheduled in about 2 weeks. It's not an emergency.

If I am hiring a plumber, he had better damned well be fixing the sink or the toilet.

Why can’t you simply get a guy to be a plumber that cums to fix your pipes?

@Ungod I'm in perfectly capable of fixing most everything that needs fixed in my world. If it's something I don't want to mess with, I have a landlord. She sends her husband. So I don't need to worry about such things.

@SeaGreenEyez Unfortunately you didn’t get what I said…

@Ungod That's highly likely.

@SeaGreenEyez That’s exactly what happened if you think anything I said has anything to do with what you said in reply!

13

The fact that people can watch a porn movie and think that it in anyway represents reality is frankly depressing. Do these same people watch Mission Impossible and think that spies spend all of their time doing death defying stunts?

I'm betting if we had comprehensive sex education and talking about sex wasn't so taboo, this wouldn't even be an issue.

Absolutely right.

Agreed! Unfortunately the Religious folks scream bloody murder when ever we try to educate kids about these things. No sex ed, no birth control, abstinence only education and they wonder why so many kids end up pregnant.

11

If I'm taking a partner, and IF I am hopeful for a relationship, there MUST be conversation prior to (and during) any sex. Spontaneity Is nice, but it's better when most things have been worked out.

I had only been with my ex husband prior to this ex loser. He was truly clueless when it came to women.

@misstuffy Sadly, too many are.

The problem is too many men want to talk about this even from the early stages. To me, this subject should be broached by the woman!

@JackPedigo Agreed. In my experience, that is a very good indicator of a number of aspects of a relationship.
If a man isn't capable or willing to discuss any topic, it really doesn't bode well for much of anything.

@KKGator Talk is great and absolutely necessary. Who brings up the subject first is the critical part.

@JackPedigo I don't have a problem with doing that. I usually am the first to open the discussion.

8

Guys don’t worry about performing starting out, if she likes and trusts you, she will take the time to train you. Remember: slow, gentle, shut up and listen.

7

Why would anyone think that porn was a good guide to sex ? That's like thinking that sitting and watching sport on TV is a way to get fit.

( Oh wait though. People do do that, and we live in a world where there are people who think that having the Bible read in church, is a good way to learn about science and the universe. )

Unfortunately, some guys just do not have any other way to learn about sex. So they don't know any better. That is not their fault in a way. Hopefully they can find a woman who will set them straight.

7

Why would anybody with any common sense regard pornography as being any sort of guide? Why should both parties not ask the simple question "What works well for you?"?

Well in his case, because he was an idiot who had a fascination with porn and unrealistic expectations. At the time we were in our thirties and he actually said out loud, in front of my mother as well as me, how he wanted a hot 16 year old virgin...... FATAL MISTAKE! Bye Bye!

5

My basic philosophy is I promise not to be offended by anything you suggest if you promise not to be offended when I say no.
Also respect for the no at any time.

Tried something with a partner, poor guy I completely lost it (did not know I was going to react like that) and he could not fix the situation fast enough but was trying. Blew out the entire evening and while I knew it was not his fault and he was really great about giving me the space I needed to calm down. When I finally got back in control of myself he tried the joke of, "Well that is definitely off the table then." I sort of laughed and a few days later we could laugh about it.

5

Open communication with your partner is paramount. More people would have satisfying love lives if they practice honesty with themselves and their partners.

Unity Level 7 May 22, 2022
5

Yep, I dated a guy once who thought sex was a porn movie. He didn't last long because that was such an immature attitude and disrespectful. I knew the only things he knew about sex came from watching porn and he thought he was a real stud. He was a DUD!

Good grief!

4

I have admittedly not watched porn in quite awhile. I do decidedly like sex.
I also like to eat but don't want to watch people eating and making squishy mouth noises.

The early '80's porn with impossibly gorgeous women and usually very ugly men. Really, really ugly men. And I thought it was funny most of the time. I think most of it is just amateur most of the time now.
As long as it is consensual I don't care.

They have porn geared towards women and it is far more realistic than what is made for men. And did you ever notice, in the porn made for men, the girls are doing most of the work?

Some people are truly turned on by watching others and group sex. Not me!

But I do understand how looking at people eating food can stimulate hunger.

Seeing different types of food can cultivate your own palate and cuisine.

The mind is sooo diverse and as THE predominant sex organ, there’s just no end to what porn can work for a person!

4

Thanks for posting the article and not just the link. I've had unfortunate experience with many of the points made.

I have had some of the experiences, including a psychiatrist who had a daddy/daughter complex. For me that is a huge EWWWW. I'm not into pain or daddies. He might have been the last time for me.

4

I would have thought the number one mistake people learn from porn is to assume what their partner likes sexually.

In porn movies, there's no setup as to what either partner likes. They just start and immediately go into a litany of acrobatic positions which, lo and behold, both miraculously like and are proficient at.

Taking time to get to know your partner's likes and dislikes should be the absolute foundation of any sexual encounter.

4

In case you haven't noticed most of the Food TV type stuff is laughably unrealistic too.

Yes you are right, cooking shows with out of the norm ingredients you are supposed to have in your kitchen as a matter of course? Not in my house!

4

Great article. Truly enjoyed it.

4

Fortunately, I ventured into the world of sex before the days of porn, and had to learn by guidance, trial and error.
I would like to add a couple of male characteristics here. One is that the more a woman shows signs of being aroused, the more aroused and intent on giving pleasure I become. It's a sort of "virtuous circle". The other is that it is extremely rare, in fact almost non-existent, for me to orgasm as a result of a woman giving me oral sex or masturbating me, and even if I do, it is not nearly so intense and satisfying as vaginal sex.
.... and post coital cuddling is remarkably fulfilling.

4

Creativity and consideration being paramount, would anyone fancy a hot cocoa?

Answer: it all depends on what you are thinking of doing with it!

3

"Pleasure should never feel performative. Unfortunately, much of porn culture feeds spectatoring." However, often men and women have no other outlet. Just glanced on a recent report about women and masturbation [yahoo.com] Still, Porn is not and should never be a substitute for the real thing. But, both need to be on the same page with sex and be willing to talk about what they want and don't. Sex evolves with people and both should be willing to evolve or even talk about where they want to go. Also, sometimes porn augments a couple's sex life. This was the case with my first marriage and it was my wife that brought the porn home to watch.
To me, it is the male who orgasms first and often easiest so it is up to him to focus on his partner so she orgasms first.

The only validity in sexual analysis is in recognizing it as unique to each individual…

3

Thank you for posting this.

3

Thanks for posting. Good article.

3

Points well taken. Especially relevant in the age of the "smart" phone.

2

Hey, here is another thing men love to do when they take a womans virginity, this one ticks me off, when they say, "I made you a woman" as if sticking their cock inside you suddenly magically makes this happen, This little self congratulatory BS is insulting to your partner, NEWS FLASH! She was ALREADY a woman which is why you wanted to eff her in the first place! That statement is an insult so stop saying it and make sure your sons learn not to sat it, That dick in us does not have magical powers to transform gender!

I never understood the allure of a virgin either. I think men would get more pleasure from a woman skilled in how to latch on and practically lift him off the bed.
But what do I know?

@BufftonBeotch I agree with you on that. They somehow think that virgins are tighter, some just like knowing they are first to "bust that cherry" and some are sadist who enjoy the pain it causes some virgins. My ex husband was big and it did hurt a lot, fortunately he was mindful of this and went slow.

@BufftonBeotch It’s nice if you can get someone new to the game IF they are open minded and willing to learn.

But I never felt the desire for virgin love…

I don’t wanna be first but I’m happy to be next!

How many times have men said this to you??

I think that the allure of virgins comes from insecurity. If she is a virgin, she won't be making any comparisons.

@Stephanie99 yes, that is an excellent point! I believe you are right. Also men love to brag about their conquests, but I think you are spot on in your assessment.

@Stephanie99 If she’s a virgin she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

She also usually has untold hangups with who knows what underlying trauma and psychological problems.

I prefer a woman who’s a capable adult of sound mind with a decent level of sexual techniques.

She also has to be open minded, reasonably humble and willing to learn.

It takes time and repeated experience to develop these traits.

I don’t fret comparison…

@Ungod some of us ladies decided that the men who want virgins are men who don't have any real game in bed. A virgin won't know he is bad at it.

@misstuffy If there weren’t men who liked virgins ALL women would be virgins…

@misstuffy I’m still awaiting a reply: “How many times have men said this to you??”

@misstuffy AND men who want virgins shouldn’t really concern you… Or should it?!!

@Ungod Dude, if you are implying my 61 year old divorcee self is a virgin, you are barking up the wrong tree. That said, I remember back when I was a virgin, the inordinate attention from men proclaiming they would " make me a woman": like dudes, I already am a woman and fucking a virgin does not magically make her into something she was born as to begin with.

@misstuffy NO ONE is born a woman OR a man!🙄

I have no idea why a 61 year old woman cares what men say about deflowering a virgin.

That was my question. Please answer THAT…

@BufftonBeotch The allure is that a virgin is disease free & is not tainted by another man's sperm or insemination/conception.

@misstuffy “some of us ladies decided that the men who want virgins are men who don't have any real game in bed.”. So what?!🙄

@Mooolah They also have tight Vs!

2

I'd love to have some time with an actual woman! My next partner will probably be a robot. Come to think of it, my last partner was just like a robot... with a dead battery.

I think there have been a number of SF tales relating to this. Maybe not the dead battery bit.

2

I'm mostly interested in the asymmetry. I read things like "men never learning how to please a woman" or from a commenter "she will take the time to train you" and do not see a symmetric situation.

It is (or should in my opinion be) more of a collaborative search for the intersection in the Venn diagram of things each person likes.

The thing that makes it insolubly asymmetric is that satisfaction is nearly always easier for one person than the other person. The unfortunate truth that the woman is far more likely to be the one who is less easy to satisfy does not combine nicely with the centuries of vast inequality in society between the sexes.

On the bright side, women can have multiple, long orgasms, but I think that's generally cold comfort in conversations like this one.

If women would only masturbate.

If partners would only communicate!

Don’t think that for a man merely having an orgasm equates to satisfaction!!

2

Thanks for posting this. A good article with so much valid info that I wish everyone would read and understand. Slapping a woman's ass and repeatedly asking "who's your daddy" should never have made it into sex lore and certainly not into rap. Movies of porn and entertainment both show a woman's head bouncing off a headboard of a bed during doggy style sex for some reason as if this was real. Who in the hell would like that? Sometimes you just hear the noise. Porn ideas simply create wrong ideas. Why would I want to smear my cum on your face or breasts?

2

May I ask you the following dumb question, please?

What motivated you to make this post?

First let me say that there is no such thing as a dumb question as long as it is asked to gain information and not to make mockery of the poster or person with information. That being said, I found the article fascinating! And such excellent advice. With all the incels out there who have the attitude that porn is normal, I love how the article breaks it down. I LOVE sharing information and encouraging discussion. I read all the replies and today's replies have been excellent as well. I post to encourage discussion, that is what this site is about. Do you have objections to this type of posting or what motivates your question?

@HippieChick58 Thanks for your reply - I found it enlightening. I have no objections to this type of posting. What motivated my question was my own puzzlement. I must admit to having a lot of trouble getting inside the mind of incels.

@anglophoneI am glad you posted this. It is a discussion we need to have with men!

@misstuffy Hmm. My grey cell has gone into overdrive. I guess I am fortunate in having had the mother that I did. My (female) psychologist has commented that I am unusually relaxed as a male in the company of women, hence the following question.

In your experience, what proportion of men fail to treat women as people first and foremost, and what drives that sort of negative attitude and/or behaviour in those men?

@anglophone It depends on where you are. I can't give you a percentage but I spent many years on the race track as a pony rider,( not the same as a jockey though I weighed only about 100lbs, we lead the race horses out with jockeys up for warm up and post parade) and for some reason that environment had the majority of men believing we were all loose whores, we were treated as if they could have us just for the asking. I also worked in a professional office environment where the majority treated women respectfully. I never had any issues in the office. I did have an issue in my last job, a small factory with a married Baptist preacher who was many years older than me thinking he could have a fling with me and tried to lay on a lip lock. I threatened to tell his wife what he was up to and that straightened his ass out.

@misstuffy Thank you for sharing all that.

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