19 11

Basically starting over again. I met my ex-husband when I was still in high school, graduated not even a month after we met. So I had been with him almost 20 years, married 15 of those years when we divorced. I was the one who ended it, for many reasons, incompatibility due to religious beliefs being the big one. But again, been with him pretty much my whole adult life and now, trying to figure out if I even ever want to go into another relationship, if anyone would even be interested in me, how to go about it all. It wasn't the healthiest relationship at times so there's that and I have kids and just in general a lot of baggage. I find myself missing him at times or at least the idea of him being around because it gets lonely. He's 6000 miles away in South Korea teaching English so that's out and really, it's for the best because again, not the best relationship when we're together though we get along decently when we're apart and we had a pretty civil divorce (though he was never for it; if it were up to him, we would still be married). Hmm, so yeah, I guess there should be a question in here somewhere, for those starting over, how do you even start? Or did you wait? Not that I'm against waiting. I don't know. I'm still kind of trying to figure all of this out.

SimplyJaneen 5 Aug 4
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0

Look into the regrets of the dying. It can give a very real perspective on time we waste and how easy it is to get wrapped up in things we do to please others that don't care.

Be well!

0

Starting over can be scary at first, but eventually it can also be very exciting. In the meantime, start a relationship with yourself! After all, true happiness has to come from loving yourself.

Really true! It's a good advice!

1

focus on yourself and your children and that relationship with them, this is hard on them too and need to know you are not going anywhere. If you start dating too soon your children may feel they are not your priority. discover who you are as you, not a couple.

Yes ...if you date don't tell the children it's romantic....just be honest to the point of going to a movie or a dinner about your future just having special time for your adult self they will be easing into in their futures ....like stopping off for a glass of wine after work with other Atheists.....sharing your Atheism is part of their school homework and one of the reasons you are no longer married to their believer dad.....that is the biggest challenge you have right now...being honest about him in Korea without betraying their natural admiration for their dad.....keeping your family safe in your neighborhood not risking dangers 6000 miles away

1

Not big on advice, just sharing a persepctive. Understanding, now, that being in a unhappy place is the worst place to be. Regardless, life is different for you now. Those changes can be unnerving and unsettling to say the least, but just recognize they are transient and not permanent. Dating, after being in a long-term relationship can be exciting (something new!) or frustrating (if a person is craving Ms/Mr Right and they are trying to "close" on that next long term relationship).

Just be ok with how you feel and don't be too hard on yourself. Ok to feel afraid and overwhelmed at times. It is liberating to make decisions for only yourself and not have tp account for another person. Welcome to the world of spontaneity and impulsiveness. Enjoy!

0

#1 Be glad he's so far away
#2. Work to go from hate to indifference. Erase all contacts. Remove his number from your phone, or block him. Send letters he sends back unopened.

#3. Work on self love. Consider how you can now clean, eat, worship (or not worship) as you prefer...not compromising with anyone. Fall in love with yourself the way you are. If you're not happy with certain aspects of your life...fitness, diet, habits....now's the best time to work on change.

I don't hate him. Yes, I initiated the divorce, but last thing I feel for him is hate. If I were to hate anything in this situation, it would be the religion. As for cutting off contact, we have two children; that's not possible. At the very least, we have to co-parent. If there were no children involved, he would probably cut me off before I would with him because that would be his way to deal with it. Then again, going 6000 miles away is too. Trying to work on the last bit but that part, I'll admit has been challenging being a single parent.

2

I empathize, having married at 23 and divorcing after 34 years. I found it helpful to welcome all the emotions I was feeling, including loneliness. Getting emotional is an opportunity to reflect on what hurts and why, what I need to do differently in future relationships, and what makes me happy now.
Sending you vibes for peace and time to considerr next steps.

UUNJ Level 8 Aug 4, 2019
1

Time to start a new path and a new adventure.

hippydog Level 8 Aug 4, 2019
3

A lot of women and some research into divorce suggests that it is not the person that is missed but the being married and the dream part that is missed.

ToolGuy Level 8 Aug 4, 2019

This is so true. Sometimes I look at toxic situations behind rose-colored glasses because I need a wish so badly- and pretend that reality is something it's not.

1

Good job establishing your freedom....it's natural to grieve and mourn bonding with a warm body....it must be very busy caring for children when their dad is 6000 miles away.....are grandparents available to help ? Do you have nearby siblings to be aunts/uncles to your family ? I married a woman with 3 children and their so called dad destroyed our marriage.....finding a new love to live with you can be resented or worse by your children.....dating on the other hand with a sitter reliable to care for your children can be a comforting enjoyable new part of your life with the company of a decent compatible trustworthy partner out of sight of curious kids....take a deep breath...take a bubble bath....you deserve your healing time....go to your high school REUNION....maybe you shall find a secret admirer from those teen years who never got up the nerve to ask you to the movies or popcorn at the football game.....singles are everywhere and so are good Atheists seeking the same love and good company as you

No grandparents in the picture. His parents are dead and mine...it's complicated. I have family in the area but not a lot of help which has been frustrating. My brother doesn't even want me to send the kids to Korea to see their dad. He is convinced my ex will kidnap them. But when I have asked for help...crickets. So it has been overwhelming at times.

I have an Instagram account and I've gotten messages from initiating conversations with me and I feel really weird about it. One even took it to Google hangouts and we talked for a bit and then he asked me to send him a gift card so things kind of dried up after that. The whole time I just felt really unsure about it because I find it difficult to believe anyone would find me attractive. Yeah my self confidence is kind of low. So I don't know if that was what he wanted to begin with or what though he has messaged me since then. I just don't feel at all ready and I know the first relationship following if it ever gets to that point is going to be really interesting because I didn't have much experience before my ex.

@SimplyJaneen anybody asking for money is a criminal...block them fast before they hack into any page of yours....your self esteem is not measured by compliments or beggars ....and Do not send your children anywhere but school and local safe spots....TrumpOLINI won't get your children back from Korea....keep the money or sell the tickets if he sends plane fare....a good woman is worth every treasure on earth....your self esteem only goes up from there....your children depend upon you so don't be manipulated by anyone

6

Thanks for sharing so personally, Janeen. I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all way to go about this. Personally, I didn't feel lonely after my divorce, but I did when I was married. I wasn't interested in dating and getting back into a relationship. I took all those things I had put on the back burner and moved them to the front. Starting over can be an adventure, but that adventure doesn't necessarily need to include the pursuit of a relationship. As UrsiMajor mentioned, this can be a good time to focus on yourself.

And that's the irony is that I did too. We had gone in such different directions by the time it all ended. He had his religious beliefs which took up more and more of his time and his priorities were shaped by that. I started to work on creating the kind of life I wanted which was going back to school and getting a job along with getting my driver's license. He didn't appreciate that so much because then I wasn't there to take care of the kids full time, homeschool them, etc. And logically I know all of this but the loneliness gets to me sometimes.

@SimplyJaneen Congratulations on your accomplishments. If I may ask, how long have you been divorced?

@VictoriaNotes Everything was finalized the end of November so just over 8 months now.

3

Start by learning to love yourself. You will never be alone.

1

Take your time... Get to know yourself before getting tied up with someone else... Learn to become independent....and strong...

3

It took me 7 years to find someone I wanted to have a relationship with. I took a long time to date. And I am glad I did. I needed to do other things.

GreatNani Level 8 Aug 4, 2019

Oh yes, it took me awhile also to find the right guy... But it was worth it...

@Cutiebeauty very much so 🙂

@germangirl90439 well worth the wait 🙂

1

I was told by one woman that it takes about a year to adapt to deal with a divorce. I probably should have waited that long to date again.
Now that it’s been 3 years, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll even have a date again.

Haemish1 Level 8 Aug 4, 2019

Everyone is different. Someone suggested one month for every year that you were together- even pre-marriage Starting after your divorce is final. Yeah, I still have some time on my hands before I should be dating.

There is really no shame in waiting and focusing on you for a bit.

@UrsiMajor
Absolutely- each person needs to figure out what works for themself, but those are probably good rules of thumb.
I certainly needed better judgment with the woman I became involved with.

7

I made sure my divorce was clean and final before I started dating again. My ex started dating during our separation and now has a baby after a year of finalized divorce. Be prepared for stuff like that.

I was totally not prepared for the dating world. A lot of guys just want sex and will spend endless hours of time trying to get it. It makes no sense. Be wary of guys that are one paycheck away from homeless. It's easy to fall in love with someone when you need a place to stay.

The best advice I can give you is to focus on yourself. Now is the time to save up and invest in a house that will be in your name only. Spend time with friends and family that your ex restricted you from before. Make the food that you want to eat- watch the shows that you want to watch. Take classes and focus on your finances. It's better to be alone than in a toxic situation.

UrsiMajor Level 8 Aug 4, 2019

Since my ex is involved with a pretty fundamentalist type of religion, this has definitely been the big one. His church is against Christmas and while I don't celebrate religiously, it was something I wanted to do as a family tradition. He was very much against that and it was hard. I was able to do that this year and have family over and decorate how I wanted to. It was really nice. So yeah, not wanting to jump right into another relationship but it does get challenging doing it all alone. Though maybe if their dad were at least in the country it would help a little. Hard to say as my older daughter has a lot of issues with his beliefs and doesn't want to really be around him at all. She doesn't believe what he does, obviously, but also has made decisions about her values that strictly go against his beliefs and worries how he'll react when he finds out. It wish it wasn't like that. Religion can be such a tragedy in that regard.

1

Yes it is tough,,letting go of the past is the biggest thing so that you may move on and getting ones baggage under control also frees up the mind and i do not mean the kids,,the right new partner should welcome the kids,,if not,just go next,,It comes,,just be your real self and enjoy life and it will come along un expectedly ,Just be open to new suggestions and try new things , you have a life time waitng for you

RoyMillar Level 8 Aug 4, 2019
2

Join the crowd

bobwjr Level 9 Aug 4, 2019

Hey I needed to hear that one right now! Thanks. 😁

2

Age is on your side! A whole, big world of possibilities awaits you! I would give most anything to have the advantage of being 20 years younger again! Even 10....

daylily Level 8 Aug 4, 2019

I worry a bit about some of the baggage I carry both mentally and physically. I'm not exactly svelte here so feel my ability to attract anyone is going to be a bit tricky. Right now, with taking care of a 13 year old and a 9 year old, there's barely time for any social interactions outside of work much less dating. SO do not have time for a relationship right now but someday? Just not even sure where to start since so much of it is online based and seems to cost money. I met my ex online but it was in the early early days of internet dating and we met on Yahoo chat of all places.

@SimplyJaneen I'm willing to bet you're going to do just fine, being exactly who you are. 🙂

2

Welcome to the club , Hugs, Hon . I suspect the majority of us on this site are in pretty much the same boat . Brought up to believe in it , but been there , done that , and it wasn't what they promised , by any stretch of the imagination .

Cast1es Level 8 Aug 4, 2019
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