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My wife became disabled several years ago and sexual intimacy became too painful for her to participate in.
She can have sexual intercourse but it is painful and unpleasant for her, and even her own orgasm causes her pain,
She constantly asks me if this makes me feel less for her and do I want to divorce her so I would be free to have sex with others. Friends have asked how can I live in a sexless marriage and not cheat.
I honestly don't understand this attitude.
I have explained that sex is only a part of our relationship and not the foundation of it.
In effect I am now her carer, and that is my main role as her husband.
I have no problem with this and see to my own need myself and even then I feel a little guilt.
Though I have participated in a few so called "support" groups for people in my situation it mainly seems to be one partner or the other complaining about their spouse's inability to give them sex, and I was not there for that, nor to be propositioned for sex by frustrated other people.

I look at it like this when it comes to fidelity
Love without sex is better than sex without love.

Just venting here I suppose, since this groups seems pretty open and honest, thanks a lot.

By LenHazell538
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10 comments

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1

theres more to sex than penetration as long as your both able to have intimacy and enjoy each other without negativity you will hopefully do fine

weeman Level 7 July 19, 2018
1

Neither one of you should feel guilt for what has happened. i think maybe the reason you do is that you love each other very much and want the best for each other that neither can give any longer. life changes constantly. my favorite saying is life is what happens while you're making other plans. there may be no solution other than what you are already doing. no harm in that to be honest with each other. acceptance can also bring peace . . .

blueskies Level 7 May 23, 2018
1

There are other ways to be physically intimate that don't involve sexual intercourse. It's about the closeness, trust, and sharing, and finding other ways to turn each other on. It sounds like you and your wife really love each other, that type of support is priceless. Perhaps you can work together to find something that works for both of you.

bleurowz Level 8 May 8, 2018
0

I can so relate to your situation. My wife has a neurological disorder which is slowly causing her more confusion as well as having put her in a wheelchair. Physical intimacy gets more problematic as her condition has worsened, but more so the emotional and intellectual connection grows more tenuous with time.

Gonzogopher Level 6 May 8, 2018

Thanks for sharing, take care

@LenHazell53 you too take care of yourself.

3

I hope that through all this you are taking care of yourself emotionally, not just physically. Being a caretaker is not an easy task, as I am sure you have come to realize.
Your wife is lucky to have you!

5

Hi, Len — I’m a sexuality educator, and I hear your struggle. I encourage couples with physical challenges to rethink what sexual expression looks like. Maybe it’s oral instead of vaginal, or using hands, or watching a partner self pleasure while sharing erotic stories (or reading erotic fiction or watching porn). Some couples find it satisfying to recall erotic times they shared in the past. By all means, enjoy your solo pleasure without guilt. Research shows that most people with partners also masturbate. It’s perfectly healthy, improves sleep, and brings a little joy when times are tough.

UUNJ Level 8 May 3, 2018

thank you, could you message me privately if you have time, some details I don't want to make on a public forum.
But if that is unacceptable to you, it is fine.

@LenHazell53 You are welcome to DM me. I don’t know how that works here.

6

Been there myself - but, then someone in the marriage has to end up playing the "till death do us part" card.. I like to think I had 3 women in one - the first woman kept us going in the early years, then many years of casual, calm, suburban life - then the last years when I took care of her. I considered it Payback for the good times she gave me and what she gave up for me. When she died, I whispered, "the debt is payed". Still there was mental intimacy - we completed each others thoughts, she made me a better cook and person... yeah, I miss that as much as, maybe even more, than the sex.

but, your mileage may vary

pops410 Level 5 May 3, 2018
3

Same boat my friend.

Dingodog Level 7 May 2, 2018
7

I think you're a good man with your head on straight.

HippieChick58 Level 9 May 2, 2018
8

There are a lot of selfish people out there. Sounds like you are definitely not one of them. To be honest I would struggle in that situation personally - sex is a very important thing to me and I have already experienced how I am in a sexless relationship. More power to you my friend. Your wife is lucky to have you in her life.

jjhagen Level 6 May 2, 2018
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