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I went off to a 40's & 50's singles group yesterday afternoon. Just down the beach to watch the sun go down. It's the fourth time I've joined them but no more. I did the rounds chatting to men and women but you know what? They're so boring. I love people and I love talking but not small talk. Small talk is tedious and tiring. I just can't be arsed. So I've decided to just follow my own interests.

I'll join my local skeptics group or atheist, if they have one, and perhaps I'll find a group of Stoics or philosophers....even Politics in the Pub must be much more interesting than a singles group. And I am also going to join the local chapter of the Ulysses motorcycle group. Not sure if you have them in USA but they're for the over 40's and their slogan is "Growing old Disgracefully". I think it will be much healthier to just follow my passions.

MsDemeanour 8 June 30
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41 comments

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1

My friend became a biker and I told her. "You will no longer lack a dinner partner". Basic maths will tell you that ladies are at a premium in the biking world.

I'd like to know where they are around here!

6

Small talk is a way of killing time until you figure out something substantive to discuss. Sometimes, though, you never find anything. Every conversation has to start somewhere.

zeuser Level 9 June 30, 2019
5

I was thinking this the other day, 100,s of years ago we said to thine own self be true. Today we say you do you. It’s a concept probably as old as society itself and I’m glad you’ve decided to embrace it!

5

I’ve heard a few people say they don’t like small talk, I find that interesting because it’s something that comes natural to me. I can see where it could be tedious for some.

Glad you are finding groups in your area. I recently moved and there’s a bigger secular group here. So far I’ve been to 2 events. I’ve had a good time at both and enjoyed the people. But they’re mostly 20+ years older than me (I’m 45). Which is fine and I truly enjoy the conversation, but I was also hoping to connect to people closer to my age. I’ll definitely keep going and search other places for people my age.

Unfortunately the happy hour group I went to was prominently run by a conservative Catholic. That didn’t go well 😳 lol

I'm generally intolerant of small talk. It's more like a handshake for me — fine just to start a conversation but awkward if it lasts too long. After a minute or so, I need it to move into something more substantial or the conversation fizzles. That's not to say that every discussion needs to be about philosophy or current events or the arts, but for me it needs to come around to something that at least one of us considers to be important (e.g., something meaningful in their life, at work, with family). If we just talk about the weather for 20 minutes, unless I'm talking with a farmer or a meteorologist, I can't maintain any interest.

@resserts oh I gotcha. I totally get that and agree. I was thinking more along the lines of chatting for 10 minutes with someone you don’t know while at the store or something

@Marcie1974 Oh, I see. Yeah, I can manage a few minutes to socialize about generic topics with strangers when we're in line or in a waiting room or wherever.

4

You know if you don't find any of these groups where you are, just start one yourself.

good idea

4

Small talk helps to fill small minds.

4

Wish I had a group like that here, the most boring place in the whole freaking world !!!!!....

If it is more boring than my village you have my sympathy.

@Fernapple IamSure is not a contest but....you would be surprised 😁😁😁

@IamNobody you live in a van down the river. Ever thought about moving into town? lol

@MsDemeanour The river is nice and the van is broken, IamStuck 😢😂

4

AND THAT SHOULD BE YOUR MOTTO...growing old following my passions. You can't go wrong there...i totally agree with your entire post here. Most singles AREA BORING...talking about stuff that matters to NOBODY. Good luck to you Ma'am.

If they wern't boring they would have found a friend.

@Fernapple in a heartbeat!

4

Yup hazards of being single and over 50

bobwjr Level 10 June 30, 2019
4

There's small talk and then there's small talk around an interesting topic 🙂. Hope you find groups that are much more interesting.

Ah, but it's no longer small talk once it's a topic that's of great interest that those engaged in conversation find meaningful, because they're no longer talking about the superficial — instead getting into the details. It's the difference between, "Your garden seems to be growing well" and "What do you use to get rid of the worms that attack the radishes? I tried ProductX last year, but it didn't help." 😉

4

When I first left religion, I wondered where I would find fellowship. But I soon discovered that friends can be found where I am, and I don't have to pretend to be someone else just to be with others. I love my present friends. We meet often for lunches, dinners, walks in the park, etc.

4

Definitely follow your own interests and passions and the groups or social contacts that grow out of that.

3

Thetes a reason the people in singles clubs are single

3

Yes as I said below, there are so many people here that are interesting, have opinions, are passionate or at least funny! Pity we are all so spread out. Why don't we all move to New Zealand? It's a bit cold there but it's lovely, the people are welcoming and progressive.

If our asshole president gets re-elected, there just might be an influx of Americans in lots of places. It would be known as The Great Evacuation, like rats leaving a sinking ship, which, sad to say, it is. But hey, we had a good 200 year run, if you don’t count the genocide of the Natives, the slavery, the religious bigotry, the near-constant wars, the messing around in other country’s politics, the oligarchy of the wealthy, not to mention the absurd notion of American exceptionalism, and now a malignant narcissist as president...wait, where was I going with this?

3

That sounds reasonable. Singles groups means the only thing you know you have in common with anyone is being single. That's not much on which to hinge a conversation. By following your passions you have a much better chance of chatting it up with someone who actually has something interesting to say.

Best of luck.

Your point is so true about groups where there may only be one common denominator. In my case, I have found that with Agnostic.com and the women on there from my area. I have had no luck with finding someone to date in my local area from this site because even tho they are fellow non-believers, it appears that we have little in common besides that for the most part. They are usually very much a part of the mainstream culture and lifestyle here in every other way than religion and I am not.

3

I went to a Meetup for singles. I was bored, too. I truly didn't fit in with that crowd. I won't be doing that again.

I joined a local singles group, not on Meetup, that had been around for a long time. Almost everyone was way older than me, it was mostly women. Almost all of them were boring and not well-educated or intellectual. The women were pretty much bitter divorcees who were locked into never dating again. They were almost all very conservative and traditional. I didn't fit in at all with them. I made one friend, a woman who was more like me than the rest of them, out of the group. I quit going after several months. Except for the friend that I still have, it was a waste of time.

@TomMcGiverin you made a friendship that lasted! i don't call that a waste of time.

g

@genessa It was otherwise.

@TomMcGiverin I see what you mean. I'm educated myself and I believe in life-long learning, but I don't think one needs a formal education to learn about the world. Also I am widowed and not divorced so don't get into the 'bagging men' brigade. I had a wonderful husb but he's been gone 20 yrs. I carry him in my heart but it would be nice to have a companion to grow old with.

I used to be an outgoing gal. Maybe it's my age but mostly I want to stay home. I don't really have anyone here I hang with regularly. I really wanted to see The Pixies when they came here, but all the cool kids don't want to hang with a fifty something chick. And it would have been too depressing to go by myself.

Besides this site (which I'm ecstatic is much more than a dating site), I am on another dating site and it is cringeworthy. I'll be 55 in a couple of weeks (but I'm 30 something in my head). It took me 8 years to find someone who wanted to be with me regularly. And now that that's gone belly up, I'm hoping I'm not waiting another 8 years.

Truthfully, I'd love just to hang out with someone who has similar likes and tastes as me.

3

...outstanding ~ I can see you are
your own person; I believe it's better to be
happy in our own skin. KUDOS 🤗

BBJong Level 7 June 30, 2019
3

I love that you say 'can't be assed'...or CBA here in Lancs. Stick with us

Amisja Level 8 June 30, 2019
3

You made a healthy choice! Gravitate toward groups where people strive for self improvement and acquiring new skills. People who just “hang out” demonstrating no effort are heavy baggage to carry.

2

I belong to a motorcycle group called the Retreads here in the States. We have chapters around the country and in Canada (thus our International designation). You must be 40 to join, but most of our members are closer to double that. I was just on a ride with about 17 of us, we rode around 700 miles in four days, visiting waterfalls in West Virginia and Maryland. Our oldest rider was along (91) and we had three female riders and three co-riders. Two of the ladies were on Can Ams (three wheelers, two front, one back) along with our senior rider. The other was younger and riding a Vulcan 900. We had a great time, as our groups usually do. There is no age limits to enjoying motorcycle riding, just switch to the three wheeler when the legs get wobbly! 😁

Ah that's just what I'm looking for! No age limit on having fun. And what a wonderful way to explore the country. Thanks for adding the pics. I was amused at the thought of the 'three-wheeler'. My first bike was a tricycle.....perhaps it will be my last bike too.

@MsDemeanour, don’t know if they ship them down your way, but they are really popular with the ladies and older riders in my group. Never talked to anyone who wasn’t happy with theirs.
[can-am.brp.com]

@Barnie2years Yes we do have them but they're rare. I recall reading on a FB page a guy bragging about his three-wheeled trike. Someone replied with a sarcastic "you're mother must be so proud". Each to their own but I'd like to keep my two wheels as long as possible.

@MsDemeanour, me too. The red Vulcan 900 to the right side of the group picture is mine. Just traded in my Kawasaki 1500 Nomad I bought new in 1999. I’ve been riding since I was 15 (now 67).

2

Pretty much the story of my whole life.

I'm a Sapiosexual, and I have to admit that so far as I fish the seas, this type of fish are rare indeed. As you have stated, I'm considering focusing on engaging in group-based activities like philosophy, book discussions and or board game meet ups. Just to enjoy connecting with people who are interested in the company of others and to enjoy low key engaging conversation.

Since my late 20s I've held the same strategy. Focus on what I enjoy, learn and experience what interests me and try to enjoy life even if there is no one sharing with me. Find joys where you can and maybe you'll happen to find one or more who will walk on that journey for a while (some longer than others).

But generally, learning to enjoy your own company and love yourself are keys to happiness. And who knows maybe some lucky person or two will realize it too.

Obviously, I'm not as smart as I thought I was because I had to look up the word sapiosexual. I'm one too! For me, it must include humour, so quick wit and playful banter is essential. Sadlly, most men do not like women who are smarter or funnier than them.

2

To be bored means that one lacks the ability to amuse themselves. I'm an introvert. I stay in a lot. I am never bored. There's a vast wasteland in my cranium to run around and discover new things about me. All I have t do is think about it. Instead of seeing it as boring, try making it less boring. Break the ice. Walk up to someone and introduce yourself and say "wanna fuck?" Watch their reaction an voila! It's now less boring. People will either warm up to you or alienate you but be assured that you're now the talk of the room. lol.

2

So drop a couple thought bombs in the group.

Maybe many others were just as bored.

2

I can relate , having to make small talk is the worst

2

There comes a point when a person is so boring it actually becomes interesting. You just have to stick with it.

Gareth Level 7 June 30, 2019

lol life's too short Gareth

2

Quite agree. That small talk nonsense is a nose dive to the grave. I’ve never cared about Dolores’ roses or Edwards recipe for shepherd pie!

Let’s get down and create controversy. Fire the neurotransmitters rather than lull them into a moribund stupor!

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