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22 20

UPDATE if you read my post about my major Dilemma...

Thanks to everyone for their views, opinions, advice, etc. While not everything was what i wanted to hear, i did take it all in and and am grateful for so many firm, kind, blunt or honest words.

As of Tuesday we are no longer a couple in any sense of the word. or as i have recently grown fond of saying: it's null and void. SHE ended it. She said she wasn't judging me..while all the while saying "The bible says not to associate with nonbelievers..you're a nonbeliever, and that's a deal breaker see ya later good bye, we're done.
How the holy hell is that NOT judging?? I still have my bible ( it was a gift from my Granny and not a soul on earth will make me discard it) and it says that you're not supposed to marry a nonbeliever or even associate with them. Let's not talk about how ridiculous that is. My point is i told her "you're not even supposed to associate with me" to which she said "I never said that" Well honey right after the line about not being in a relationship, it says basically that exact thing and pretty much says they are unequal. so while she didn't say that out loud she certainly meant it because she quoted the whole passage. 2 COR 6:14 for those keeping track.

Thankfully I did not invest money into this relationship. just my heart and soul and hours upon hours of sleep. ( she is 6 hours ahead of me) . We did go so far as to buy these BOND TOUCH bands which when you link them and you tap them the other person feels it as a little vibration and you feel as thugh they are touching you even if they are 1000's of miles away. Pretty cool idea actually. She was so dead set on dumping me that she was never willing to set them up. so i have this one that i paid for that is a useless piece of plastic now.

I digress. Luckily i have wonderful friends here by me. I was totally excited to tell them i had a girlfriend! my first one in a very long time. Turns out they are more amazing friends than i thought or could ever have hoped for because as soon as i said it was over their support was overwhelming.

That's all. I just wanted to give a update and thank every one for their thoughts. Its appreciated. It really gets me though, as i was perfectly willing to be supportive for her and she couldn't be in return. thanks again everyone. i hope to keep looking.

Pfr1998 5 Dec 26
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22 comments

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7

I know this sounds strange but congratulations! You can now move onward and upward!

6

"The bible says not to associate with nonbelievers..you're a nonbeliever, and that's a deal breaker see ya later good bye, we're done."

This is the mark of a cult. Oh yeah, all religions are cults. . .

6

I refrained from responding to your original post because I feared I would be too negative. I was married for twelve years to a christian. It was hell. It almost never works out when one is a believer and the other isn't.

6

I've been an atheist since I was in Junior High School. It took me many years and to realize that I couldn't date anyone who was a Christian. After that wonderful period of great sex and finding all those common interests, you eventually have to face the fact that you're incompatible. Logic and reason will collide with magical thinking, and respect will evaporate.

6

Religions often teach people that their fate is in the hands of someone other than themselves, which is almost always ultimately a method used to control them. As for christians, these people believe that certain people are "saved", and certain people are not, and those who are not will burn in hell. When you dehumanize other people, and picture them as being unworthy, i.e. ("do not throw your pearls before swine" ), "swine"? . . . that is clearly and unambiguously a form of hate. Why not seek what is best for ALL of mankind, the World as a whole, all races, all cultures, rather than being divisive?

5

As an atheist and former evangelical my thought is that this is one of the thoughts in the Bible that makes a kind of self-referential sense if you buy into the belief-system in the way that your GF did. "Unequally yoked" is referring to a metaphor that doesn't probably resonate with most of us today, that of two oxen pulling a cart. If you see marriage as a partnership, then a common goal and an equal distribution of burden makes sense. For your GF (although she might not admit to it in just these terms) this meant pulling toward the common goal of doctrinal correctness. Fundamentalism isn't about being good, it's about being right (mostly, doctrinally right).

Now I was in a marriage just before and during my deconversion, to an evangelical rural Methodist, and my crisis of faith was of zero concern to her. Why? Because our relationship was based on mutual respect and love, not on our common faith (although, initially, we did share that). My wife was just sufficiently liberal enough (in the doctrinal sense) that she could see god at work in people of differing views, and did not buy the nonsense that one cannot be moral or have integrity or be trusted unless they believe just as you do. To her credit, she looked at my character and integrity and her actual experience with me, and not my doctrinal beliefs or lack thereof. She was sophisticated enough to separate the two.

She eventually died, but I did not attempt to take from her the comfort (false though it was) that her faith provided her. She feared ceasing to exist as well as being eventually forgotten. She could not handle her own insignificance. And it makes sense, because her biggest hot button in life was not feeling taken seriously (or in her parlance, not being sufficiently "respected" ). For her, as for a lot of religious people, the overriding concern was being important enough, when you unpacked it all. Ironically, she was able to love and accept me "anyway" while at the same time having this rather childish view of her role in what passes for the great scheme of things. People have complicated and not always logically consistent motivations and concerns.

I say all that to say this: your GF at least did you the favor of being clear about her concerns and needs and putting an end to the relationship before it ruined everything. I don't agree with her concerns, but they are what they are. In your situation I'd avoid the temptation to see this primarily as an issue of betrayal and see it instead as an inability to handle reality and your part in it. It's for the best. Wish her well and move on.

4

It sounds as if this is one of the best things to have happen to you. It would have been a miserable existence for both of you. She made a wise decision, and, hopefully, someday, you will be very grateful to her. You are much better off, in the long run, to be out of that relationship.

4

It sounds like she did you the biggest favor and saved you the trouble. I know you don't want to hear right now how you've dodged a bullet, but it's very likely (and hopefully sooner than later) you'll feel precisely that way.

The thing about online-only or mostly-LDR relationships - they end with a lot less baggage. Plenty to be thankful for once the hurt goes away. And it will.

4

Welcome to the club. You will be better off when some time has passed. What’s that godly saying? When god closes a door...blah blah blah.
I know it’s really painful now but if it’s any consolation; no one can compete with something that doesn’t exist and is an illusion. It’s like being with an addict. Work with the pain and grieve the loss because one day you will wake up and those feelings will be gone. You will meet someone who will be better for you and you alone.

3

I’m sorry it ended, though it sounded inevitable. That doesn’t make it hurt less.
I’ve heard that verse, something like : “yoke ye not unequally with nonbelievers”....they assume THEMSELVES as the better half there, when in fact they are most judgmental and less tolerant and loving. Again, I’m sorry. I hope your next try goes better!

3

Everyone's different and some people can live in a relationship with really different philosophical lives. I would not find living with a religious partner fulfilling. There may be benefits of career or sex but I find life is good living in reality and all that that means.

3

Sorry to hear you lost so much sleep. Missed the original post but I get the drift, the heart will heal and the lesson learned will be with you the rest of your journey. Be well.

3

Sorry to hear about this but you always kinda knew that you were on a hiding to nothing. The distance would have had a good chance of killing it even if all other things were equal.
On the bright side, you are just in time for one of the best nights to meet someone else. These are imho, Xmas eve, Valentine night and new Year eve. On each of these occasions if you are fortunate to meet someone, then you can at least know for sure that they are single and unattached. For anyone who was not would certainly be with their partner at that time.
My advice to you is to get suitably drunk with your friends for the next couple of days. Then put on your best duds and go out on the 31 Dec.
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind"

2

Even that Rascal Paul said that the believer in a relationship might influence the non-believer in the end and that this was a reason to stay together. Oh, well. Everyone cherry picks the bible.

Paul was an asshole on most subjects. Not where anyone should turn for compassionate advice.

@Donotbelieve Yes, he did say it was better to remain single but he also claimed the believing spouse might be able to convert the other as well. I'm guessing this came to his attention because many had been taught not to be "unequally yoked" and could have been using it as a reason for divorce.

2

These will sound like platitudes and it's not meant to. This sucks and you will grow from it. Lean into the pain and discomfort, learn the lessons of what you're willing to accept and not accept. Be happy with who and what you are because a terrible relationship is worse than no relationship. There are some meetup groups in San Antonio (hovered over your profile) including at least one agnostic group. I have used meetup here in Kansas to find like minded people when it comes to running (well meeting at a bar, going for a run, then finishing at the bar...) and other outdoor activities. Do what makes you happy without hurting anyone else.

2

You are lucky.

1

She showed her hand early enough for you not to really get played. Just realize her perception has no power of over you and is her own perception. Let go of the image you gave her , that she didn’t ask for . You will be fine as long as you self nurture . In time if you stay true to yourself it will be but a distant thing.

1

@Pfr1998 Can you link me to this bond touch device? Like where y'all bought them? I think that would be a cool thing to have with my long distance friend.

[bond-touch.com]

0

Have you considered counseling?

0

Chin up. It could be worse.

0

Good luck in finding a new lady friend! I’m sure there’s one around.

0

I grieve for your loss. GIve it time. Time does help.

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