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Do you background check online dates prior to meeting in person?

Ive joined an active dating site and there is a very real possibility I could meet and even end up behind closed doors with one of these people at some point in the near future.

I like the idea of doing an online background ckeck first to make sure they are who they say and to lessen the chance of ending up in a private situation with someone who is dangerous or married.

Do you do it?
How do you ask their permission?
Do you even ask them?
Would it upset you if someone looked into you?
Do you use one of those search companies?
Which ones are most legit?

MsAl 8 Oct 12
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53 comments (26 - 50)

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2

I do background checks before I get into a car with people. You can meet anyone in public at a club or bar and talk to them , so I don't see how meeting someone you met online is any different.

You should probably ask for their drivers license if you are really serious about getting into the vehicle. Court dates are public record. Sometimes they will volunteer info about their duis. etc... Public records are free. People have lived in multiple cities, so that is an issue...You can learn a lot by just a simple google in a city.

Nobody has every asked for my info about anything, but they should.

Ive nosed around the internet about people before and Info isnt easy to come by or put together, especially since people move around alot.

I'm not worried about petty crimes and DUI's. I'm more interested someone doesn't have a history of domestic abuse or other violent acts

You should be able to look through the state court records, that’ll give you more info than city.

2

Do you do it? Not officially but I search the name, log in name, and phone number looking for court records

How do you ask their permission? Don’t, it’s none of their business

Do you even ask them? NERP

Would it upset you if someone looked into you? No, please do

Do you use one of those search companies? No I just investigate my self, there are also apps that can find shady phone numbers

Which ones are most legit? No clue 🙂

2

There are so many ways to check. Reverse image search of a photo reveals quite a bit (same photo on social media), especially if they post an official work photo on a dating site 😆
Permission? They put it out there, so it's publicly available info search on publicly available info. Gotta think before posting pics.

Oh I pretty regularly nose around the internet about random people anyway. Like you said they put it on there..
I expect others do the same.
I'm talking about somethin a little more intrusive like subscribing to one of those background check sites.

I am routinely berated for not posting a photo of my lovliness. I understand men's aversion to a 1 or a 2 but I have a greater aversion to the predatory aspects of many in the Y chromosome gender.

2

If you do a thorough background check, you'd probably have to use one of those pay websites. I hate to pay for anything. I've not worried about being assaulted by a prospective date, but I can see how it could be a concern.

I'm looking to pay for one while I do this. I do think it is different for women. I want to find somebody to share sexual experiences with but I also feel like going into a locked room with a man I met online could be a real danger to my life.

State court records are public info, you just need to know how to look for them. I usually just come across a divorce or two, and speeding tickets, etc. But, I have found OFP’s and multiple recent DUI’s on a few guy.

2

Good questions.
It wouldn't upset me, I'm married.
Might do a background check, but haven't had the need.

1

The most I've ever done is to google their name, but after I met them and only if I liked them. the practice of meeting in a public place seems to be perfectly alright to me.

1

I wouldn't be upset if anyone checked me at all. My only concern is that my given name is fairly common. If it wasn't ridiculously shady, I would get it done for myself and offer it to potential dates. But why would they trust me to provide a "real" one? And, if I brought it up to you and was like, "don't bother, I have one right here," I would hope that set off alarms lol.
I personally haven't done it, partially because I don't fear the kind of women I'm attracted to being capable of over powering me in a public place. I do choose public places but even that is more to put her at ease. I'm really good at reading someone in person, a benefit of abusive parents, had to know when mom's mood was swinging.
Best advice I can give is never ever ignore your instincts about your personal safety and don't apologise for wanting to be safe!

Orly Level 5 Feb 11, 2020
1

No, but I wouldn't care if someone checked me out. Now I'm getting older I can see so many tells, I hope I make a better choice next partner!

1

I've gotten checked for my finances more than once. Makes online dating something you really look forward to, doesn't it?

Dating in general too I guess. Yes the slight but real danger that my date could kill me does make me hesitant.

@MsAl , I suppose but that is extremely rare. Your probably more likely to get into a fatal car crash on your way to a date than being murdered by him. Play it smart though.

@chucklesIII I know more women who have been injured by violent men than in car accidents.

@MsAl most of us men have never had to be afraid we'd be raped or otherwise physically harmed by the person who asks you to meet. I realize it can be a scary thing even if you know the guy. I wouldn't agree to get in a car with a guy you don't know very well, or meet somewhere you don't feel safe. Make it a well lit place with other people around.

@MsAl Sorry to hear that. I can't say the same but I do know a couple women that have been attacked by violent pieces of shit.

@chucklesIII I would say more than half if you include forced rape without physical injury. It's pretty common.

@MsAl I wouldn't want to know anyone who would do something like that.

@chucklesIII I promise you probably do. People do bad stuff sometimes.

@MsAl , You may be right but have some hope. I promise you that not everyone is like that.

@chucklesIII Absolutely not, but the ones who are are not monsters with signs on their heads. They are just regular people. That's why I tend to disagree with the consensus of just knowing by gut instinct.

1

Nope, why would I want to do that if it takes few words exchange when meeting, to read the real person?

Lots of people with violent tendencies also tend to be the high confidence types that come off as very likeable. I'm just looking to weed out those with histories of domestic abuse and resaining orders type of thing..

@MsAl If you can't read a person in five minutes then you keep moving forward with caution. No one can hide everything forever.

@IamNobody

In my experience, most men can hold it together for about 3 weeks. Then their bad behavior emerges, the same bad behavior that killed their last relationships. Lying, mean, constantly late, critical, etc.

Very few men are willing to work on themselves or get counseling.

@LiterateHiker Well there you go, you must spend more than 3 months to really get to know the person and then decide if you want to keep moving forward or not.

@IamNobody

Nope. Three weeks is enough.

@LiterateHiker Jeeeeesssuuuuus, what is wrong with ME !!???.... I read three weeks but wrote three months !!!! Sorry, sorry, sorry... Of course I meant three weeks..... I guess it is true in my case, getting old really sucks. Sorry once again.

1

No. Can't hurt obviously but I'm resisting. I like trusting people and my intuition.

1

Rarely

bobwjr Level 10 Oct 12, 2019
1

I don’t do background checks. If I have that sort of negative intuition about someone based on our emailing or phone calls I won’t meet them. If I take that chance, I meet in a public place, let friends know, keep my cell phone in hand, and make sure the employees know what’s going on. I also will ride my motorcycle which tends to conjure up false stereotypes about me. Which is just fine with me if it means a guy won’t mess with me because of it.

That's all good but I do find that alot of violent abuser types come off as very charming and respectful

@MsAl agree but if you spend enough time online or talking with them on the phone that side shows rather quickly, especially if they think they have you hooked.

@DiThor See that's where I disagree with this even though it seems to be the overwhelming sentiment here.

Wherever I go it seems like the bullies are the most popular people that everyone loves.

Anyway as I said elsewhere I am not looking for deep meaningful relationships. I'm looking for casual sex after meeting in public once or twice. I realize this could be dangerous and I'm just looking to mitigate the risk of violence.

@MsAl got it...so definitely two different ideas of dating. Good luck and be safe.

1

If it gives you peace of mind, I say do the background check. And tell them you're doing it — and why — because their response will tell you a lot, too. If anyone is offended that you don't trust them, when they're still basically a stranger, that's someone you want to avoid (whether they're hiding anything or not). As for reputable background-search companies, I don't know. A basic credit check might work (landlords use such services all the time), but it wouldn't be a complete profile. A lot of employers check newspaper archives on job applicants for criminal background, but that works only if you have their real name and address history.

That's true, asking them and seeing their response is a tacit in itself to see if they are safe. I really don't care about their credit score, or much else. Just want to weed out violent offenders or possible recent history with hard drugs.

@MsAl Yeah, a credit report won't give you that information, but would confirm they're who they say they are. Unfortunately, I think you'd need their social security number (which anyone should be wary of handing over to a stranger). Newspaper archives are probably your best bet if you know they've lived in the same area for a long time.

@resserts Yes I'm not searching through the newspapers for all the places they may have lived on all the people in considering meeting. That's why I am interested in the paid services that claim to show all the criminal records.

1

This is a great post and I'm going to follow it even though I would probably never do a background check on anyone. Thinking back, there are a few that I should have had checked out. 😉
Add one more guy to the list of comments.

It’s pretty interesting to Google yourself to see what’s out there. I try to Google my cell number every couple months and remove it if it pops up on sites

1

I do a background on phone numbers only. This can tell you a lot. My friend Willie has a phone under his wife's name so it says he is Brenda. I get this, but it is different if you want to date Suzie and she turns out to be Charlotte. Maybe Sandy is really Abby. I do this limited check only and if you are talking with the person on the phone and info is exchanged you can stop short of a real background check because what pops up is exactly what you have been told. No need to pay for this nonsense and I do it free. My view is that if you do not do this you can be scammed bigtime and you are simply a fool.

I have 3 phones and I use one to text with ( I hate texting) and my flip phone cell is like a throwdown phone. If I give you my house phone number you will instantly be able to check me out and find my real name and address. I do give this number to those whom I talk to and trust. Many scam calls come daily on the other 2 phones. People that have offers you cannot ignore just for you personally but there is no way they can know who I am. These are those people who would scam you and steal all your info.

They very fact that such things as the above exist is good reason to check people out. I have had many that turn up bogus especially on a paid site, and one from this site also. She keeps wanting me to text her. Texting seems like a good way to accumulate lots of info, so beware until you know someone a lot better.

0

After we meet for coffee, if there is mutual interest, I might Google them....but only if my Spidey Sense was tingling.....

0

When I can

bobwjr Level 10 Feb 15, 2020
0

It depends. When going on a date, I invite the person to a very public place, during the day, for a brief and simple meet up. Usually the premise is a cup of coffee or a light lunch. This sort of light commitment is not only a safety precaution for both parties, but it gives either side an easy way to bail out if/when things aren't looking so good.

Background checks are helpful - and decent, understanding people ought to accept your desire for safety - but it needn't happen before a meetup of the type I've described above. You'll glean a lot of important revealing info quickly enough through a chat in public over coffee.

0

If you are going to do it, ask for permission. If that person gets offended, perhaps that person is not for you. I would be upset if someone looked into my background, unless I was asked first and had the chance to say no. I don’t know what company is more legit. At my work there is routine checking of backgrounds and none of the results are 100% accurate. And returning to que issue of asking or not, it all depends if you are thinking long term or not. If you are serious about someone, really serious, you eventually will let that person know all about you, and you would expect that person to tell you everything about her or his life. The results of both background checks would be an excellent topic of long conversation and discovery for the two of you. So ask for permission and offer that person the chance to look into your background.

0

Nope - never did. I had rental properties in the past, and learned rather quickly that background checks are a waste of time. The proof is in the pudding - so to speak.

My instincts have proven to serve me well - I go with that.

0

If they are less than forthcoming with information about themselves and I get an uneasy feeling about it, then I will. Otherwise I just take the normal precautions before meeting.

0

I’ll answer when I have my first online date, but spoiler alert, probably no.

0

WHAT? What kind of check? Do you do background checks on people you just meet too?

If I intend on being in a private locked room with them (which I do) and possibly bringing up big emotions I don't think it is unreasonable. Most aggressive type people come off as very socially pleasing. A background check would show histories of physical abuse or restraining orders. And if they are lying about being married.

All of these are things they would not disclose and since I will me meeting them online I won't have knowledge of their life or know any of the same people.

@MsAl Sounds like you have had bad experiences with lying men before.

@Jolanta Not at all really. I'm just aware of the inherent dangers involved in putting myself in the situation.

Figured I'd start a conversation about what appears to be a useful tool (affordable comprehensive background checks)

0

I haven't found the need; but there are websites that do
screening in conjunction with employment. The nature of
society ,I guess.

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