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What happened when you came out of the closet as an atheist?

I'm thinking it might be time to open up to some of my friends but I'm feeling nervous about it.

UpsideDownAgain 7 Feb 11
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I kinda-sorta came out after my parents died. First to my next oldest brother, who I'm closest to, and I knew it would be a non-event. He's indifferent to our faith of origin and hasn't been in a church in probably 20 years anyway. He just doesn't want to admit he's no longer a believer.

Next older brother is another story, he's still a devout evangelical. But it was a non-event with him and his wife, too. They handle it by seeing it as a passing phase or misunderstanding; the prodigal, they assume, will return someday. A few years ago we were on a trip together and he said, "you don't believe anymore, do you"? and I said no, I don't. He said, "that's too bad" and dropped it. Has never said anything since. Although he had the impertinence to try to witness to my wife last time we visited (she just laughed it off though).

I remained basically closeted while my parents were alive, not because I was afraid to come out, but I just didn't want to worry them. They were old and rigid and I saw no reason to discomfit them. Besides, they were 2000 miles away and I didn't see them on a regular basis. I know that neither of my parents would have disowned me. They'd worry about me, and that's almost worse somehow.

That said, my parents came late in life to evangelicalism; they had been acculturated to be decent, respectful human beings before that and fundamentalism didn't put much of a dent in it. They were, as parents go, excellent at minding their own business. So I don't know how predictive my experience would be for others.

In addition I haven't lived in the Bible Belt most of my adult life. The topic just doesn't come up. It's a matter of general indifference. We do stuff with another couple who happens to be conservative Jewish, but they are comfortable having us in their social circle and we're comfortable IN it. Although we haven't specifically come out to them as unbelievers, there are no Shibboleths they seem to be imposing on us. We're gentiles, so it's just not relevant. They probably won't invite us to synagogue and we probably wouldn't go anyway, but that's a separate compartment to them so it's not a problem to them.

I don't know how this compares to Utah. I suppose the Mormon influence there makes it kind of Bible Belt-like. Especially if you're ex-Mormon.

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I don't think I was ever in the closet about it. Once I learned there was such a thing as not believing, I thought about it for some time and I just told people that would ask about my beliefs, "I don't think I do believe." And then would come the questions and/or ridicule. Which was fine. It forced me to think deeper about my lack of belief, and over time, I grew and developed my own arguments for for my atheism.

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I feel like this would be a lot easier if you had more like-minded friends.

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I wasn't in any closet. I just do not participate in any rituals. When people ask, I tell them.

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Never been in the closet so can't help you.

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I will let you know when I am all the way out.

Good luck.

@UpsideDownAgain I am fully out with a couple of atheist nephews and some people I know. My daughters see me as being anti organized religion and just not sure about the existence of a god. I will come clean to them about my absolute non-belief in any gods once my elderly parents are no longer a concern.

I don't want them going to their graves "knowing" that I am likely going to hell. Even my mom, who has dementia, has her moments of worrying about whether I believe in salvation through Jesus. I don't want my being an atheist to be a memory she holds onto.

@Joanne I totally understand that. I have the same concerns about my parents. One of the hardest things is knowing I'm breaking their hearts even though I'm doing things that aren't actually wrong (like drinking alcohol and coffee).

@UpsideDownAgain: Ironically, with me, I engage in less "sinful" behavior than my believer siblings who either: smoke cigarettes, smoke pot, regularly drink alcohol, watch porn, live with someone they aren't married to etc.

I only very occasionally have a little wine. I don't smoke anything, I don't like, nor watch, porn; but, even though I am not married, I have no problem with the sex outside of marriage "sin." Oh, and I have no problem with swearing--but, my believer siblings do that too.

Given you mentioned drinking coffee, I take it you are ex-Mormon. In my family, tea and coffee were never a sin.

@Joanne Yup. Exmo. And confused as hell now that ANYONE could come up with the idea that drinking coffee was a sin.

@UpsideDownAgain I have wondered that as well. I had grandparents who were Seventh Day Adventists and I recall them telling me, when I was a kid, that spicy food should be avoided--not because it was sinful in itself, but because it made one crave alcohol--which was sinful. Well, I love spicy food and have never had much of a taste for any kind of alcohol.

Maybe Mormons saw/see coffee as a gateway "drug" to smoking cigarettes; or, heaven forbid, sexual desire? After all, caffeine can cause an all-over tingly kind of feeling. 🤔

@Joanne Ha, ha! Not as far fetched as you might think. Mormon sexual suppression is epic.

1

I was 11 and we did not have closets.

1

I was never in the closet. Raised in a mostly didn't give a shit about juheezus.

And then, mostly, not been around anyone spewing such shit. So, learning the past few years how many complete idiots are on the planet has been disturbing.

1

I have come out of so many closets that I use it as a ruse to get rid of the bigots in my circle. Why do you feel the need to come out? Is it any ones business what your affiliation is? Be comfortable in knowing who you are. You will find that you will have many layers of who you are & some will cause an upheaval if they are bigots. Good riddance in my world. & your world?

1

Some people accept it, some don’t.

1

Long term; it was one cause behind my divorce. There were plenty of others, though. I was an agnostic all along, but pretended and tried to be an Xian for years.

1

Some people get freaked out by the term 'Atheist' so you may want to say that you have given the whole god/religion thing a lot of thought over the years and it just doesn't make sense to you personally.
Personally, I just tell people that I am an Atheist because I grew up and left behind imaginary friends back when I was just a teenager. I am okay with them being juvenile and needing an imaginary crutch but only so long as they don't try to make we walk around with a crutch as well.

1

Although I was never a 'believer' nor was my upbringing anything religious at all. I have had many friends tell their horror stories about 'coming out' so to speak about anything. Gay, trans, Atheist, and other things.
I honestly have no great wisdom of how to do such a thing. But, I can say that if you have any support from any one. if you can, have them with you. Nothing like a great shoulder with you through those times. Nothing worse than feeling all alone.

That's really good advice. Thanks.

1

Never gave it much thought. Never made a big deal out of it. If it came up I would say I don’t believe and move on. Because I am pretty outspoken on Facebook more people are aware then before, but I have been pleased to find that many people I know are non-religious or non practicing as well, we just never brought it up.

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The lady I was working for gave me a big hug and thanked me because she thought she was the only one who felt that way...(here in the Babble belt)

Aw, that's wonderful!

1

I never was in the closet. As soon as I became an atheist, I was honest and open about it. Some friends and family rejected me and do not communicate with me to this day. But at least I have my integrity intact. This makes me happy. 🙂

(Now, when I say I'm "open" with my atheism, I do not mean that I blurt it out all the time, everywhere. Sometimes it is best to keep my knowledge to myself. But when people ask for my position, or when people try to speak to me as if I were religious, I tell them honestly that I am an atheist. And if they are willing, I reveal some of the facts and evidence.)

Thanks. When I left the church the most traumatizing events of my life took place. I still believed in God at the time. I have a group of friends who are still believers but who left the church at the same time and it's them who I am worried about telling. I would like to say that it would have been easiest to be upfront all along but I don't think I could have taken any more rejection after everything else. I still don't savor the idea but I'm tired of being in a group that talks about God all the time while I dodge and stay poignantly silent.

1

Nothing. It hasn't changed anything at all, all my friends who believe in God still are my friends. Now, I grew up in Portugal. Nowadays, I live in Ireland, a very Catholic country but people are respectful about others.

0

I'm agnostic, and I've always been out, to selected audiences. Not to others. No point.

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follow up q why would you come to an Agnostic site, as an Atheist? ty

Intellectual stimulation.

To help other people to understand why they believe what they do and for support.

@DavidLaDeau ok, but wouldnt an atheist site be more amenable for that? Im curious how agnostic and atheist are being conflated there, here...ty

@bbyrd009 I did not touch the subject of what an agnostic or atheist is here or co flate them. I asked a question to atheist.

@bbyrd009 You're bullshitting is what you're doing. There are probably more atheists on this site than agnostics and I'd be surprised if you didn't already know that. Anyway, I came as an agnostic but didn't feel out of place at all when I realized I really didn't believe in any god at all anymore.

@UpsideDownAgain really just curious. I don't really know what the options are or anything, just struck me kinda funny that so many atheists, as you say, frequent an "agnostic" site. and are pretty much the most vocal. It kinda makes a statement? But then i might be um misconstruing too, dunno

To find the man of my dreams.

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If they are true friends they will respect your views and maybe even profess the same feelings but,most importantly YOU will feel wonderful!

0

I was never in the closet. Nonetheless I could help better if i knew your friends' level of religiosity and of tolerance, which usually appear in directly opposite proportions.

g

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I was really young and it didn't feel like such a big deal then. While I can't say I'd feel the same now, the truth is no different. It's not a big deal that you don't believe. It's just different. But that difference is rooted in reality, which is something you should feel good about regardless of reactions.

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Nothing really but relationship would suffer

bobwjr Level 10 Feb 11, 2020
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Nothing much happened. Some people don't understand. But that's OK. It's not something that comes up much anyway.

0

Not much, I'd disowned mo fundamentalists family long ago.

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