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I have some intimacy issues...

MFAtheist 7 July 14
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1

Or watch them choose to be alone versus being with you. Just got out of that situation. Now, I'm just trying to accept how I'm feeling without judgement, but doing so with reason and logic. The most beneficial thing for me was to realize that I need to trust my "intuition" more and second guess myself less. I know who I am and while compromise is important, you can't lose yourself in the process or you end up not being able to recognize yourself anymore because you're sacrificing your own happiness to fulfill theirs.

@Powers3216 That sums up my last relationship. I don't really know if the outcome would have been different if we didn't have a daughter on the way at the time but after almost 4 years of trying, it finally capsized. I definitely lost myself in every way except in my fatherhood.

My intuition told me to get out at the first transgression and probably before that if I had paid enough attention. I agree that compromise is important and I think my goal next time around if there is one, is to truly know where that line of compromise falls into the grey areas of self-sacrifice.

I'm sorry about your situation and I hope your healing process is thorough and complete.

2

Hits home! Love sucks!

Kojaksmom Level 8 July 15, 2018
2

Am reconciling as we speak, what could have been the last great love of my life....and not being silly, the only reason is being impotent...

NormCastle Level 7 July 15, 2018
2

Been there, felt that.

UUNJ Level 8 July 15, 2018
2

This has happened to me more times than I can count. It hurts knowing my heart was never really reciprocated. It turned me off of relationships for a very long time, and could very well happen again. I just have to be more careful now when and who I give it to.

bleurowz Level 8 July 14, 2018

I feel like I already know that my therapist is going to point out some terrible patterns and habits in my relationships or my type of previous partners.

Being vulnerable shows strength because the cost is so much and the risk is so high. I'll never regret giving my heart to someone, but I agree I'll have to be much more careful with it in the future.

Same girl. There's always another option and the guy always chooses that one. Just the way stuff plays out, I guess.

@Blindbird A guy may do that. A man doesn't take love for granted.

@MFAtheist plenty of people do. Just to be clear, I don't blame them. A person should always go with the best match for them. It just bums me out that MY best match never seems to show up, ya know?

@Blindbird I really thought I had met mine this time. Each day hits me with how wrong I was.

2

I hear you brother amen. I've spent most of my life in this situation. I have some thoughts on it now though.
Please forgive me for giving a religious quote but don't cast your Pearls Before Swine, actually came to my mind as a wisdom I can see the impact of in my life.
Here me out please. When we give all our very best it's often to a person who is lackluster in their full interest in us. We are sure if we really show them how much we can shine they will be finally won over by us.
But I think it's the opposite effect. A person being Johnny on the spot ready to immediately serve them and do it happily says to them we think we are getting the much better deal by being with them. Thereby lowering our perceived value to them by considerable amounts. With every day we try harder when they are starting to lose interest thinking they should set their sights higher. Our "try hard " is seen as a last minute panic to save our lucky winnings and that desperation only further convinces them they are far more superior to our value then they previously thought and run quicker and quicker for the exit before they are seen consorting with one who's status is so much lower than theirs. They could be mistaken for a lower value by association.
Turns out people establish value evaluation by interest and personal boundries. The more seeming rules you have that you require others to respect or you won't allow them near you. The higher they assume your value to be. After all you can make demands and they get met. How do you measure power if not by how others will change to be allowed in your presence.
It's not a game. But it is a functioning social dynamic that's always unconsciously or consciously being calculated into every interaction we humans have.
After all the one we gave all our best to was just a little less interested in us then we were in them. We fell for their value thinking we've established they are more desirable than our usual partners value so that's why we tried so hard to attempt to please them.
Set boundaries be unwilling to forgive rude or insensitive callousness. . Don't make room for their unpleasantness. Show them you have more personal value in yourself than to tolerate being treated like you are second best. KNOW YOUR VALUE and they will too. Ask if they will be nice or considerate and they will know we are only hoping we have enough value to be respected in our request

Lurd_merk Level 4 July 14, 2018

I think that was the most in-depth and accurate account of what happened. I've been distancing myself from the whole nightmare lately and if nothing else, I've started to actually heal.

True. Setting boundaries and expectations is a good way to assess someone’s interest, commitment and respect.

@MFAtheist
Oh . Good. I'm glad I connected with your very unhappy situation. Accurately. You know I've spent so much time lost in this same exact cycle that I've wracked my brain hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of times it seems. Lost so many years beating my head against a wall..hating how it seems always true nice guys finish last.
I went substance abuse counseling for a couple of years and was listening them talk so much about building your real self esteem and person value by setting boundaries. Then one day the 2 areas clicked and I understood it clearly. .
I took a chance that your pain was similar to mine. I'm glad I could offer you something of any value.
I know full well the whole push it out of your mind like you are trying to just blank out that section of your mind. No history no feelings or memories because they all hurt and the only peace is just literally forgetting it. That's how it sneaks in and stays repeating in our lives. Despite how much it saves our sanity to push it completely away. I am convinced we have to just HAVE our emotions if we want to learn anything about the things and patterns that always are causing us such pain. If we don't feel the hurt and try to look into it from time to time then we just keep getting back into a repeated of it. Hoping this time things will finally happen differently because SHE is not such a bitch as the other ones turned out to be

2

OMG, this just pulled the scabs off the wounds.

I'm truly sorry. I meant to share my pain, not infect others with it.

@MFAtheist It is OK, truly. It does show me just how far I've come and that yes there are still feelings there. When there aren't feelings then it is time to worry.

3

Sad.....

Mitch07102 Level 8 July 14, 2018

Seriously

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