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In surveying the questions i notice that women are mostly asking/posting about intimacy of emotion and attachment while men seem to mostly be writing about sex. Do men equate intimacy only to sex? I guess im asking this question to the gentlemen in the room.

cmontes 5 June 3
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Yes yes and yes absolutely I realized finally recently and had to accept it they weren't just similar or connected they were one in the same my desire to be intimate and sexual are synergy. Many intimate feelings are weird to try to express vocally a man speaks his emotions through his actions and his body. he can do and say things physically that express exactly what he means without the vulnerability of vocal accountability

Lurd_merk Level 4 June 26, 2018

As a man and a person who is currently single. I can say that I love sex as it's an intimate act... buts just that. But I think true intimacy is when your with someone who you can relate with and understand on a fundamental level. You don't have to like the same things but your willing to share with, work with, and support one another. I do miss that kind of intimacy. Its the Little moments. But I think most men think that it's just too much work. Or they don't have the time. And so those men suffer for having that kind of mentality and never find fufillment.

Parzival Level 5 June 20, 2018

No, this man does not equate intimacy with sex, men aren’t the only ones who make this assumption though.

Grogman Level 3 June 17, 2018

I'm not sure where I read or heard this, and it was a much more complex thought, but the gist of it was: men have sex and fall in love... women fall in love and have sex. I'm not saying this is true for everyone, I'm not saying there isn't a blend of both for each gender, but the emotional wiring (as a consequence of our evolution) is for a woman to prioritize an emotional attachment to someone who will be around for at least as long as it takes to rear a child, while the male priority is to find a partner for long enough to conceive a child. Human relationships are often a compromise between these two conflicting goals.

Yes, we are much more than our genetic programming. Yes, I attach a lot of significance to emotional commitment. There is a lot more to intimacy than sex. But at some point, in an intimate relationship with a lady, I will want the physical act, and if it's missing, I'll feel that something is incomplete.

Paul4747 Level 8 June 5, 2018

I'm the opposite if I have sex with a woman I'm not already emotionally attached to I am out. I've never fell in love with a woman because I had sex with her I've noticed that they had more interest in me afterwards. but I don't understand alot of emotional situations so I am carful to only sleep with women I can stand to be around.

See, and this is why I said "not true for everyone". I also didn't mean to imply it was true for me either, that love follows sex. In my case they pretty much go hand in hand, I show emotional attachment through physical expression, and sex is the ultimate expression of that. That's where I truly would apply the phrase "making love" as opposed to just "sex".

I don't have an occasion where I've had "just sex", there was always emotional involvement, even if we tried to pretend there wasn't and it was just for fun.


I think there is more to intimacy than just sex. Sure sex is intimate but, for me, intimacy means having a connection deep down. It means knowing me where my pain, joy and passion resides.

I think some people just don't know how to share their inner self to a point of intimacy. This goes for people of both genders.

dare2dream Level 7 June 4, 2018

I think cis men are generally socialized to believe that sex is the only kind of intimacy we get to experience, with the possible exception of time with our children. Other than that, we're supposed to be tough, not show any feelings, and always be "the strong one". That's oppressive and toxic, in my view, but it might help explain the trend you see.

ejbman Level 7 June 4, 2018

No not neccessarily - intimacy to me means sharing all those things you hold close to your heart not justbeing uninhibited during sex - but I'd obviously include that as well. It also covers, loss, grief, joy and being there for each other.


Men see sex as the ultimate physical intimate act (well I do) and the ultimate act of love as mutual commitment, which is why so many of us are scared of it.
Sex is important to men as it is the final expression of masculinity according to social norms, though it may not be so to each man individually, either way a great deal of importance is placed on it during our youth and adolescence by our peers second only to physical prowess and the ability to be a protector/provider impressed upon us by our parents.
Thus psychologically it has in years gone by shaped our psyche and sense of worth and self identity, so that now in an increasingly genderless society many of us find it hard to know our place, and who or what we are expected to be. Since we are all in the same boat as men, we follow our instinct from childhood to ask our mothers or failing that trusted females.
Unfortunately the way things are at the moment most of the females are completely lost too, and so we a society of person knowing very well what we are not expected to be, but with very little idea of what is expected of us.

Thank you LH53. That seems like a good summary of your personal and the wider community situation where men and women are concerned. I personally loathe any kind of pre-made role that our gender assigns us to. That's because I never really fitted any expected role so I had to fall back on knowing who I am, what I want and who/what I can relate to. Unfortunately, it seems that many ppl expect to use some tried and true formula for instant results. If we want a successful relationship wouldn't the best course of action be for the two ppl involved to work it out between themselves?

I totally agree, it is I think how and why my experience has taught me that all of the best relationships begin as friendships and grow from there.
My second marriage has lasted for 26+ plus years and I ascribe this in no small part to the fact that we were pals as children, friends as adults and finally partners before becoming spouse.
We know one another, accept one another, trust one another and love each other, in the end you cannot beat that sort of relationship, in my opinion.

@LenHazell53 Nope, not much will beat that! 😀

@LenHazell53 that's incredible! Congrats to you for having found your person. Wonderful!


I would say, generally yes. A long running series titled "The Science of Sex", clearly demonstrated that males have a lot of seed, don't get pregnant and whose natural proclivity is to inseminate as many females as possible. That's why one sees a lot of harems and men with multiple wives (the record is well over 800 children by the same father). Famous sports players are proud to have had sex with 100's or even 1,000' of women. It is in our nature. What is also in one's nature is to evolve and learn. Intimacy, especially when one ages becomes about much more than sex. It is about closeness and sharing. That is at least for some of us.

JackPedigo Level 9 June 3, 2018

That comment is so depressing.

Mother Nature is not fair, kind or caring. It is what it is and it is up to us to make the changes we want to see in our lives. Many of us have done just that.

I'm glad there are some advantages to men aging, JP 😉

@Abbelyne Not everything goes downhill as we get older.

@JackPedigo YYYeeeaaayyyyyyy 😀


I hope not. That's a depressing correlation if so.

It seems depressing too, that many men seem able to have intense physical intimacy yet feel no emotion.

Also - there was a guy who linked an article here, about intimacy, yesterday.

Why is it depressing?


It's not depressing if both parties are on the same page, but often men and women are different.

@Ellatynemouth oh. Yeah that is true. If it makes you feel any better, the pain is the same here on the other side. That frustrating bewilderment that comes from being rejected by someone who loves you can be overwhelming


I remember your earlier post about divorce proceedings whilst living in the same house. That must be tough for you. I hope it all works out in the end.


I'm probably one who this situation was reversed. I've first off never been one who sees sex as love. But in my last relationship, the lady I was dating did exactly that. If we weren't intimate daily, she immediately would say I obviously didn't love her anymore. She couldn't comprehend that just going out for a hike, to the movies, dinner or dancing. Was in ways more of an expression of love than what happens in the bedroom. Now in fairness this isn't entirely on her. Once we discussed this it became clear that past relationships had built this ideology in her.

We did eventually split, and for more reasons than just this one. But I have to be honest in that months later she still viewed our relationship with that idea. And it placed such a strain, that it compiled with our other differences. Eventually had us splitting up. Not all men therefore see sex and love as always compatible. And I also believe that there is an inherent difference between "sex" and "making love". One involves an emotional attachment and one in ways merely is a physical workout and form of stress relief.


Most men arnt bred with an emotional spoon,at a young age,it's taken out our mouth,and we fend,for our selves,and we find talking about or looking at the female body,as a better past time,we don't explore emotions,and more explore our carnal desires.
We only find the intimacy concept,if we had explored it, with a group of like-minded males or just on our own.
I don't know,if this makes sense.

Davyboy Level 2 June 3, 2018

I speak in generalities here, first point being that male and female have intrinsic differences in primal psychology.
I have spoken a lot of love vs. sex and for this purpose I equate "intimacy of emotion and attachment" to love.
For men(again, in general), love and sex are not the same. I suggest that one of the biggest deceptions foisted on humans is calling sex, "making love". I find nothing particularly loving in the sex act, Before and after, perhaps. But during, and for the male, no love.
Men are more able than women to perform and savor the sex act with any other, regardless of love.
I have distinguished love and sex to student friends, as such. To me, "making love" is feeling joy in the relationship. For me personally, shopping together, cooking, cleaning, watching movies, playing games. Together and feeling joy in just being with her.
The key word here is "together". Time together, time to accustom to one another, to know each other and find joy in the knowing.
All this said, and to address the specific question. Men may find talk of love in detached(online)discussion to be premature, maybe discomforting, maybe deceptive. But the male has, I believe, a very pronounced interest in the sex act, and in venues such as these, relatively anonymous and "safe", we find entertainment in chatting explicitly about sex.
Sorry, pretty wordy here, but your question asks directly about something I have actually discussed a lot with young and exploring friends...

I appreciate your comments, they are very insightful.

my pleasure, @HippieChick58 ...some questions pique interest... something I've thought about and discussed a lot...

Thanks for your honesty. It's a bit depressing though.

"Men are more able than women to perform and savor the act with any other, regardless of love." This may be true for the majority of men, but I don't think that all men are this way. Women have their conditions that need to be met before they feel attracted and aroused. Some men are the same way. Some conditions must be met before there is interest in . For me, there must be some kind of heart connection before there is interest. I guess I'm wired differently, but I wanted to give voice to those of us who are not performers under any condition.

sorry, @Ellatynemouth ...I don't find our differences depressing...

noted and concur, @AwarenessNow ...I tend to discuss such in generalities..that these are tendencies I have noticed over a long period of time...


That's because men don't lose anything.

Empty sometimes hurts women emotionally. It makes them feel used and empty. Whereas for men their wiring insulates them against that side effect.

yes @Ellatynemouth ...also maybe women may bond more easily, more closely with other women...I spend a lot of time in China...women there are very vague about male friends; boyfriend or husband who is also their best friend is somewhat alien to their understanding and experience...

......... shopping........ cooking ....... cleaning!!!!!! Mon Dieu marry me SP 😉

don't get your hopes up, babe..@Abbelyne ...I am the shopper's packmule, meal-prep helper, and kitchen clean-upper...

@seattlepanda Lol........ well you've given me a good laugh to start my day SP ......... and that's not to be sneezed at 😀

@Ellatynemouth i think it a bit shortminded to say that men in general don't lose anything. I think it depends on the person. Though i have to say that young people don't seem to value real intimacy as older people do. And maybe that's the way it is. We seem to live in a society where more people seem to want instant gratification and appreciate quantity over quality. That's quality people seem in such short supply. Hopefully that changes...


How do you know young people don't value intimacy as much?

@Ellatynemouth I think it's hard for younger people to evaluate much less completely understand intimacy simply because they haven't experienced it as much. You need to have experienced the finer nuances of a relationship before you can really learn to appreciate intimacy for all it entails. Most people (men and women) don't know what they have until it's no longer there.


You may be correct..

But in my own life I've noticed a difference between the way men and women approach sex.

It's a generalisation of course, but it seems that most men want casual sex and nothing else. I can't count the number of times I've been invited to be a fuck buddy. So I've decided to remain single.


This gentleman equates intimacy to sharing a spoonful of ice cream with someone, holding hands during a movie, walking hand in hand thru a park....the "intimacy of sex," is an whole different the difference of 'making love," vs."fucking." there is a major difference in intimacy even there.

NormCastle Level 7 June 3, 2018


Mitch07102 Level 8 June 3, 2018
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