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Vent post warning: Anyone ever have this happen?
After a particularly heinous incident after my husband's death, wherein I discovered that a "friend" had been trying to poach my dh for years, then inserted herself in our lives in his wake I've become particularly sensitive to things such as the following, "groupies" who just discovered the news of his passing.
It has been 2+ years since losing my husband and one day I find this in my FB "other" folder. I did not "accept" and haven't answered it, because my true thoughts would be scathing.
Here goes for your perusal:
"Dear xyz, please excuse me for reaching out to you -- as a total stranger. My name is "Linda", and zyx was a dear friend of mine many years ago when we were both teenagers. I left someplace USA as I had the chance, and spent many years abroad.
I decided to look zyx up suddenly after all these years on facebook, to tell him how much our young friendship had supported me, and saw his memorial page, and it broke my heart. I didn't know he was sick, and truthfully haven't been in contact with him for many, many years.
But he held a very dear place in my heart for a few years, and I considered him a very special man, and a kindred spirit. I found your fname on his something page, and I just wanted to reach out, and offer my heartfelt belated condolences.
Zyx was so supportive of me as a person, and I really admired him a lot. It's very strange to know that his life ended so soon. It is making me reconsider the way I take my own time, and loved ones, for granted. Again, please excuse this intrusion into your private life. I hope Zyx had a love-filled life, and I send many warm regards your way. Good night. --"Linda""
I guess what galls me is that I knew that this woman was a girlfriend of sorts long before we met. I mean, we did talk about our past relationships in the 20 years we were together?
Also happen to know this person is in the same "community" as the one noted above, and it's highly likely the two are acquainted...
So basically this reads to me like a pseudo condolence & tip of the hat that someone was having a mid lifer and the meat she was looking to "check in with" no longer exists.
I shared this msg to my mother who is privy to all we went through with the other crazy person, and she hit the roof.
One thing I know for sure. I will never be going to a widow and lamenting the passing of a past lover that I was attempting to dig up.
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I think if I were her I wouldn’t have got in touch with you, but some people have no sense of knowing what the right thing to do is. Perhaps her motives were good, but she went into way too much detail and she should have just said she knew him when they were teenagers and she just wanted to offer you her condolences. I wouldn’t give her another thought....certainly don’t get upset as it is all ancient history now.
Marionville
Level 10
Oct 17, 2018
3
Hmmm. This is a tough thing to look at because of the pain you've been through. A kind of similar thing happened to me with another husband but I tried to look at it differently, if that helps you? I think sometimes women just have compassion for other women when they know they are hurting? She may have had clear intentions. I agree that it is odd to look up a past love like this, although this was an ignorant move of sorts, she may have meant well so it may quiet your heart to think that she did.
In my case, the first girlfriend and First Love of my husband contacted me through Facebook to tell me how sorry she was that he cheated on me and betrayed me. She told me he contacted her and she won't have anything to do with him. She also told me she had a brother who cheated on his wife and she was supportive only to the wife. I know she really loved my husband as her first love. So I'm sure this was hard for her to say against him.
I'm trying to put myself in that woman's shoes and think about any past friends I might have had who have since gotten married and passed away and what I might want to say to their wives. I don't think it would be any different if they were still living. If I loved him and he was good to me, I would want him to have been happy and have had a good life no matter who he married.
Again I'm not trying to slight how you feel because I understand the awkwardness she's caused... but she uses words that really seem to want to comfort you. Maybe when she was reaching out to him she didn't even realize he was still married?
SukiSue
Level 8
Oct 17, 2018
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