Guys ask why women are so pissed off. Even guys with wives and daughters. Jackson Katz, a prominent social researcher, illustrates why. He's done it with hundreds of audiences:
"I draw a line down the middle of a chalkboard, sketching a male symbol on one side and a female symbol on the other.
Then I ask just the men: What steps do you guys take, on a daily basis, to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted? At first there is a kind of awkward silence as the men try to figure out if they've been asked a trick question. The silence gives way to a smattering of nervous laughter. Occasionally, a young a guy will raise his hand and say, 'I stay out of prison.' This is typically followed by another moment of laughter, before someone finally raises his hand and soberly states, 'Nothing. I don't think about it.'
Then I ask the women the same question. What steps do you take on a daily basis to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted? Women throughout the audience immediately start raising their hands. As the men sit in stunned silence, the women recount safety precautions they take as part of their daily routine.
Hold my keys as a potential weapon. Look in the back seat of the car before getting in. Carry a cell phone. Don't go jogging at night. Lock all the windows when I sleep, even on hot summer nights. Be careful not to drink too much. Don't put my drink down and come back to it; make sure I see it being poured. Own a big dog. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Have an unlisted phone number. Have a man's voice on my answering machine. Park in well-lit areas. Don't use parking garages. Don't get on elevators with only one man, or with a group of men. Vary my route home from work. Watch what I wear. Don't use highway rest areas. Use a home alarm system. Don't wear headphones when jogging. Avoid forests or wooded areas, even in the daytime. Don't take a first-floor apartment. Go out in groups. Own a firearm. Meet men on first dates in public places. Make sure to have a car or cab fare. Don't make eye contact with men on the street. Make assertive eye contact with men on the street.”
― Jackson Katz, The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help
(The first man to minor in women's studies at the University of Massachusetts-Amherst, holds a master's degree from the Harvard Graduate School of Education, and a Ph.D. in cultural studies and education from UCLA.)
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61 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I think some men are getting their eyes opened a little.
Lilac-JadeCanada
Level 9
Sep 28, 2018
4
I had a good male friend thank me for posting this in FB. He said he had no idea.
That is very true. Men without having things pointed out have for very long been trained by both parents how to live and react in society (this goes for most of the world). I remember studying linguistics and seeing the evidence of sexist language in the English language alone to whit showing there are more derogatory terms to describe females than males.
These thoughts and actions are one of the reasons that I, in high school, predicted a black male President of the United States before a woman. Note black men got the vote (at least legally) in 1868 while women here did not until 1920. I grew up in a rural, very religious and Christian oriented farming area. Many there haven't changed much over the years. I got thrown out of class, even before school stared one day for insulting Billy Graham by insinuating he was a drunk who sold an Elixer named Christ. Such fun times to have been liberal minded. Mostly I got thrown out for arguing with the teacher, whose father was an evangelical minister (who also happened to run a notoriously poorly operated old folks home, now called senior centers), over how I didn't believe I had to "watch it" because I didn't believe her god was going to get me.
Beowulfsfriend
Level 9
Sep 28, 2018
4
It always surprises me, how many men have no clue. And how many women do these things without a second thought.
GreatNani
Level 8
Sep 28, 2018
12
@Stepmomofdragons yes. One of my daughter s walks with headphones in.so she can ignore catcalls.
My son in law was taught by his parents to cross the street at night if he is coming up behind a woman so that he doesn't freak her out. I was discussing this with a man friend and he thought that it was my son in law letting his actions be controlled by the unwarranted fear of some woman. Would that sound like a man friend who is insensitive to the problems that women face on a daily basis? I fear so.
Stephanie99
Level 8
Sep 28, 2018
3
It does not matter if the fear is unwarranted or not, why would you want to cause any sort of fear if it is avoidable?
@Fernapple I think that it is a matter of not letting be controlled by irrational fears of others.
I worked in campus security when I was in college a billion years ago and I was taught to either slow down or quicken your pace to pass a woman on the street to make it clear you're not there to harm her. A newer way of handling it is faking a cell phone call loudly enough for her to hear you say that you're on your way to the club/restaurant or wherever to meet friends. The point is not to appear as if you're lurking.
@Olnoseven That's cool that you learned that even a billion years ago. I think that my man friend is unaware. Perhaps he's just sick of scaring everyone as he is a big black man and a lot of the reasons that he scares people is that they are racist.
This is a huge reminder to me because I had forgotten that I do all these things on a daily basis. They are so ingrained into my being, that I just don't notice them any more. 
patchoullijulie
Level 8
Sep 28, 2018
7
Not making light of this but rephrase the question. Draw the same line and ask. "What do you do on a daily basis to prevent being assaulted?" Just omit that one word and see the difference. Men are far more likely to be a victim of assault. Not sexual granted but it can and does kill you. When men say that a woman was dressed provocatively, it is not necessarily an accusation. Ask a guy if he would walk into a rival teams bar wearing his home teams shirt? The answer would be "I don't have a death wish". We have to learn from a very early age to deal with violent assault. Never mind puberty, we learn this in kindergarten. Staying in well lite areas, avoiding eye contact, puffing your chest out and straightening up to look more formidable are second nature to us.
It is good that men get to know how women have to go though life but it might be beneficial for women to know how we go through life too?
273kelvin
Level 8
Sep 28, 2018
4
@orange_girl For the most part true. Although new research suggests that as much as 40% of domestic violence may be women against men. Surprising I grant you but men are far less likely to report this.
As to plain old "assault" women will suffer at the hands of the same sex just as men do.
@orange_girl Look I am not trying to lessen what women go through but statements like "I would rather have a physical assault than being raped any day." Do no one any good. !st there is no point saying my dogs bigger than yours. Especially when its untrue. Victims of rape are so often threatened with violence unless they comply so... 2nd to what degree? I know that given the choice (and its not something I would wish to choose) would I rather have my balls felt be either sex against my will or have them crushed?
Is rape a fate worse than death?
No one should have to be subjected to either.
@MissKathleen I am not trying to marginalize the problem. Young men between 18 & 25 are far more likely to be a victim of assault than any other group. An understanding of what both sexes have to encounter has got to be beneficial for either sex.
@PalacinkyPDX I resent and refudiate your accusation. My comment was not meant to be all about me. It was an honest attempt to bring an understanding of what both sexes go through. If the questioner had omitted the word sexual first and THEN asked the audience the sexual assault question. Then many there might have picked up some insight and or tips to avoid these things. Many of the prophylactic measures stated by the original post are also things that men do too.
@TheMiddleWay, @orange_girl, @Stepmomofdragons, @Stacey48, @MissKathleen I include here a link and extract from the national crime statistics.
"Sex
Men were more likely to be victims of CSEW violent crime than women (2.1% of males compared with 1.3% of females1, Figure 9). This was true for all types of violence, with the exception of acquaintance violence which showed no significant difference and domestic violence which showed the reverse trend (0.4% of females were victims compared to 0.2% of males). The year ending March 2017 CSEW showed that:"
stranger violence showed the largest difference in victimisation between men and women (1.3% compared with 0.4%)
around twice as many men (1.2%) as women (0.6%) experienced violence without injury"
[ons.gov.uk]
@MissKathleen Okay if you get murdered then it ends there but what if you survive? My gay friend had his jaw smashed by thugs 5 years ago. He hung himself last year.
@orange_girl If you feel that my comment was irrelevant then just ignore it. My point was that the post gave out the impression that women are the only victims of assault and that men do not have to take measures to prevent being attacked. This is misleading. I stated right at the start of my comment that I was in no way trying to undermine or make light of the problem. Merely that men are (as my statistical reference showed) 3 times more likely to be a victim of stranger assault. Do you think that is a privilege?
There are many other threads here that address what you call the issue at hand. All I tried to point out was that we are all in this together sister.
All of my life I have endeavored to treat women with respect. It would be nice if that was reciprocated.
@MissKathleen Brian was a victim of hate crime.
I have never been raped nore have I been left for dead in a pool of my own blood. I would not be crass or patronizing enough to say that one was worse than the other
@MissKathleen I do wish to argue any further. The law does not view rape as a capital offence. I outside of the old testament I do not know any laws that do. Therefore society does not. If you disagree with this then thats your prerogative.
@jorj I am not sure that this is the post to discuss this but to a degree I take your point. Love him or loath him (I am of the latter). One thing Trump has done has stopped to trivializing of sexual politics. By being the lefts worst nightmare, small stuff are no longer being sweated. I recall a a news item a few years back when scientists landed a probe on a comet.All the media could talk about was the inappropriate shirt the guy wore for the press conference. (It had scantily clad ladies on it). Like scientists are noted for their dress sense. The guy helped put a probe on a comet ffs.
Doesn't really refer to being "pissed off". True, the above does highlight what women go through all the time. To make this analysis refer to being pissed off, it does show all the added baggage women have to lug around. These current supreme court hearings show how women have to take so much shit from men. Considering the suffragette movement, Rosa Parks, Anita Hill have had to go through would highlight in a better way why women are justifiabfy pissed off. While we're at it, call the Senate switch board before today, Friday Sept. 28th @ 202-224-3121 now. You will be directed to your Senator, tell her/him to NOT vote for Kavanaugh's nomination.
Lop-Eared-Mule
Level 7
Sep 28, 2018
6
You have to watch this man's TED Talk. I post it at least once a year to my FB page. If I could figure out how to do it, I'd work with this man. He's putting amazing information about there on not just the toxicity of "Manhood" but how it's making men suffer, too.
Olnoseven
Level 7
Sep 28, 2018
5
I think the answer in real time is very plain. Men in everyday life do not have to do anything to prevent themselves from being sexually assaulted. This is why most of us men do not even think of it.
DenoPenno
Level 9
Sep 28, 2018
4
For sure. Although, as I get older, I consider being mugged or otherwise assaulted a possibility. Though, sexual assault is never on my mind.
@EdEarl right. Since I have gotten to that "vulnerable" age myself, I am usually hyperaware of my surroundings, my head on a swivel, when I am in certain areas. I live in an area permeated by gang members, and while the violence and other crimes are under reasonable control, I'm still very cautious when I go out; and I virtually never go out at night.
I have zero expectation that any of this is going to change.
None.
Sure, all this effort into trying to raise awareness is great.
I just don't really see it making that much of a difference.
KKGator
Level 9
Sep 28, 2018
6
I think ... I fervently hope your wrong...my belief is that the more we teach our children and each other, things can and will change...getting rid of Religions that teach men to dominate women is the biggest hurdle as I see it...that's where it starts...every God Damn time...unless they are just plain psychopaths...in which case we need better ways to screen for it in schools...problem there is a lot of people will scream "invasion of privacy"...society as a whole needs to evolve or it will destroy itself. Equality, empathy, science and social conscience...namaste
@phoenixone1 I'd like to be wrong. I really would, but I don't think I'm going to see it in my lifetime. Maybe someday. Maybe never. No telling.
I agree and actually think it is going to get worse instead of better. A large portion of those who are or potentially will be predators are getting the message that even if they get caught it isn't a big deal. Just talk about how it impacts your career, family, etc and suddenly the criminal is the victim and the women who are abused are sitting on the sideline being hit with sticks and called a liar.
@KKGator well at least I hope you can be happy...if not all the time...a good some of the time...Namaste
All these items speak to situational awarness. Everyone I know, guys and gals, practice the majority of these. The world is a dangerous place, regardless of your gender.
bigpawbullets
Level 9
Sep 28, 2018
4
A great book on that topic is Gavin De Becker's "The Gift of Fear". In the book he speaks about survival instinct, and awareness of your situation at all times so that if something should happen, one is aware of one's options for escape, etc. I think all women, in particular, should read his book.
@bigpawbullets If you read the book you'll see that girls are groomed from the time they are little to not appear rude, and minimize their feelings. This is dangerous.
As an example, a friend of mine prods her 3 year old grandson to kiss everyone on command as if he's known them all his life. That is dangerous. What if he doesn't feel like it? She GOADS him.
It just makes me think of the book.
No matter how street savvy you think you are, there are things in the book that will give you pause. I've been in situations myself where I didn't want to appear rude, but essentially put my life in danger as a result, but just got lucky.
Other situations felt VERY BAD to me, and I followed my gut & got the F out of there, once running out of gas & had to call a friend to help me out because I was pretty certain the way things were going I was in danger of being raped.
@Qualia
So, you learned situational awareness from a book. I find that a bit hard to believe. Did your parents not instill even a rudimentary awareness of the dangers of the world?
@bigpawbullets No need to be condescending.
Yes of course they did, but there are finer points to all of it beyond that.
There's one incident in the book where a woman is lugging groceries up stairs and a guy begs her to open the hall door, not wanting to appear rude she was nearly killed because he used it as a ruse, he happened to be black.
@bigpawbullets The Gift of Fear is about listening to your gut instincts. It's not only about women's issues, but turning into that "something doesn't feel quite right" feeling that your subconcious is trying to tell you something is wrong, even in instituational settings like a physicians office and the like.
There is a case of a woman ignoring her gut about a dr, she couldn't put her finger on it, and sure enough her kid died, but that's too brief a description.
@Qualia
I wasn't trying to be rude. But your previous post was quite a sales pitch for that book.
@bigpawbullets It's a GREAT book though, truly. I've given it as a gift a couple times and MADE my girl read it.
My first husband was abusive and I was traumatized to the point of finding it difficult to function in life. I was pissed too. But no matter what I did when I was pissed, I failed to change my situation. It's only been as I've gained control over my anger and learned to respectfully set boundaries that things have significantly changed in my life.
I think it's good for men to understand that many of their gender pose a real threat to women. All men should be asking themselves if their behavior may be contributing to the problem. Many of my ex-husband's actions in our marriage are considered rape but neither he nor I understood that. You men could be doing harm without being aware of it.
On the other hand, women need to learn to allow men to learn their lessons themselves and not try to shove them down their throats. Nothing is more effective at prompting self reflection in others than persistent and respectful boundary setting. But in order to do that, you have to respect yourself and learn to put aside your anger. As women learn to set boundaries against men in respectful ways, they will see success in their efforts to be treated fairly.
UpsideDownAgain
Level 7
Sep 28, 2018
4
A rapist is not going to respect boundaries. Rape is about domination and power. Some men feel entitled to take what they want, they do not see women as autonomous beings. If boundary setting worked for you in your marriage, good. That is separate from what this article is about which is violence/rape aimed at women because we are women.
Hopefully, a part of the psychic evolution of men throughout the world will be the awakening to the fact that women are not lesser beings, and are not to be seen as the "property" of men. The eradication of religion would go a long way toward that end, though that doesn't appear imminent, unfortunately.
Condor5
Level 8
Sep 28, 2018
3
There is progress, but not nearly enough. When I joined the Army i n 1976 my dad had to sign my paperwork. I could not get credit in my own name without a cosigner until a few years later. My dad would NEVER have cosigned on a credit card. He didn't believe in credit.
@HippieChick58 evolution is a slow process, yes.
We have guys in our midst who act like dominant male chimpanzees. We really have not evolved very far, have we?
Flyingsaucesir
Level 8
Sep 28, 2018
4
THANK YOU for this!! I am hoping that someday, preferably in my lifetime, that the rest of the men of at least the US will evolve as much as you have.
@HippieChick58 Good luck and with the present leadership this is actually going backwards. Watch out for hairy chested men bearing big clubs.
@JackPedigo Yes, sadly you are correct. Which is why we need to impeach the orange POS POTUS, Despot Donnie before too much more damage is done.
That's an incorrect understanding of evolution, I think!
There's an interesting TED talk (I think; can't be arsed to look it up right now) that explodes the "alpha male" paradigm, using chimp or ape (can't remember) studies: they found that the most successful, respected male leaders were the ones who were conciliatory and empathetic--not the most aggressive, braggadocios ones. It's from the same guy who was involved in the wolf studies that gave use the term "alpha male", I think.
Great post, thanks for that.
It's always surprising how some groups just can't see the pain of a separate group. I saw a youtube video recently of a guy who was a gamer and posted how he doesn't use a specific piece of software anymore because the company said they didn't need another white male youtuber as a representative. He called the company racist and the comments were a wave of "how dare they! BOYCOTT!!" Not one person stopped to think, damn so this is what minorities go through on a regular basis. It's not racism that people are concerned with, it's only racism against their race.
I see the same thing here, men will often huff and puff when there is a perceived sexist line against them, but won't consider at all to see what women go through regularly.
mattersauce
Level 7
Sep 28, 2018
5
Thank you for your insights!!
"It's not racism that people are concerned with, it's only racism against their race". I like that statement and will use it when necessary.
Very enlightening and more men need to understand (or should I say see this as many men could care less). This was not my late partner. BUT, after she died I discovered she had some problems with her Ex I had not thought of and I think she was too ashamed to discuss. I had met him on several occasions and he really was/is a jerk. In some cultures and even here for many there is no such thing as rape within a marriage. Unfortunately, there is!
JackPedigo
Level 9
Sep 28, 2018
3
Not to minimize others trauma, but it really comes down to men stink at listening to women. That's why I'm generally pissed off around men. I used to not stand up to it, now I do.
OwlRN
Level 4
Sep 28, 2018
2
So, are men mostly born bad then? Or is our culture doing something to them? Both? And . . . so what can be done about it?
I knew that women took precautions, but it's sobering to see the magnitude of toxic masculine behavior and how it affects all women every day in exercises like this. Great post, timely because of current events but really there is no time dimension to it, it's always like this.
zeuser
Level 9
Sep 28, 2018
3
It's taken me a lot longer than most women to accrue enough negative experiences to become leary of men--but it's finally happened. Meh. Sucks, but it is what it is, and I'm not necessarily unhappy that I know
what I know now.
I'm genuinely glad I have tiny tits and an unbeautiful face: I feel like I probably would have been more often followed, stalked, and harassed--and worse--were that the case. I got lucky in that department, I think.
stinkeye_a
Level 8
Sep 28, 2018
3
Incorrect about your face.
Glad you've avoided harm.
You are beautiful! Watching these senate hearings is to relive many experiences for many women. I had a rapist tell me I was ugly and lucky that he wanted to have sex with me. I am angry as hell. Enough of second class treatment.
@bigpawbullets Haha, I knew that was coming--youre the first place finisher!. TY. I'm not self-conscious about my appearance in the traditional ways. I'm actually quite grateful for the hand I was dealt there. From what I gather, it's hard to be taken seriously when you're very attractive--and I have a raging intellect. I'm glad I have not, largely, been exposed to the diminishment of my faculties for the comfort and wish fulfillment of others!
@stinkeye_a
Whew.
I had to post that ma'am. I went through this with our daughter. Who is also quite smart.
I was worried i'd get a verbal lashing for telling the truth here.
@bigpawbullets Not at all! I understand 1) everyone's preferences are different, and can be vastly so--such that one person's "beautiful" can be another person's "meh", and that's just how it is; and 2) there is strong pressure in our society for people--especially women--to look attractive, which results in pressure to feel attractive, which results in pressure for bystanding well-wishers to minister to what they perceive (rightly or wrongly) to be the injured feelings of those--particularly women--who voice feelings of unattractiveness by asserting how attractive they are --whether it's true or not. Say "I'm ugly" or even "I'm not pretty" and people will fall all over themselves to contradict you...regardless of where the "truth" lies. It's just social programming. I let it lie. I found early on that if I try to let people know I'm not bound to such social programming, things get very awkward, very quickly. I've got no problem saying "I'm not pretty", because I'm not invested in that paradigm--but it freaks out other people so I learned to shut up about it. I'm not calling your motives into question, here, BTW. That was a nice thing to say, whatever your reason for saying it. 
@stinkeye_a
Ha! No hidden agenda here @stinkeye_a.
Just an observation. You've a fairly classic "greek/Mediterranean" face. And I'm convinced by your writing style that you're intelligent and well educated.
@bigpawbullets Hah! 100% northern European college drop-out! Thanks for playing! 
@stinkeye_a
Did I mention the hint of neanderthal (eye spacing)? Well educated, in my opinion has little to do with College/University attendance these days.
Carry on!
Men should not be trusted by women... look at the Civilizations we had created, mirrored, bow to and glorified. Nope.
GipsyOfNewSpain
Level 9
Sep 28, 2018
3
I'd say that's a bit of a generalization.
Does my wife trust me? Do I trust her?
How's about our daughter?
@bigpawbullets Generalization is one of the traits of the society we are living in (created and controlled by men). Not that I will trust women with my life but... You are getting me in Trouble again!!! ...just when I thought I was out.
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