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57 19

So - for those of you, like myself, who wouldn't mind finding a partner, it seems yet more qualifiers have been added to my already complicated list ...

Do they ...?

Smoke
Take care of themselves
favor the guy in the White House
Drink or drug to excess
have teeth
know how to spell
smell pleasant
welcome learning
like animals and nature
have control of their finances
avoid judging others
have a "personal relationship with fantasy"
read
have an open mind
stay fit
practice kindness to most others
and now add :
counter "Black lives matter" with "All lives matter" - totally missing the point.

Sure glad I enjoy my own company ! What are your seemingly impossible-to-fill preferences ?

evergreen 8 June 5
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57 comments

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2

I have some qualifiers, or disqualifier that I would add to your list.
No kids at home and all kids being independent and responsible citizens.
Live in the immediate metro area, I don't do long distance.
Be reasonably organized and tidy.
Be able to take care of his own stuff and have stuff in porportion to the available space, ie no hoarders.
Must tolerate small children

12

My list is very short because the reality is that it is all down to chemistry. We either "get" each other or we don't.

Integrity is kinda high on the list.

Like you I tend to look for positives about people I'm interested in. I can probably find negatives about everyone if I look hard enough.

Yes, that would have to be at the top.

chemistry means nothing without honesty. If the person is playing a persona or character than that is a false chemistry. Unless, your definition of integrity includes honesty?

@demifeministgal Things like honesty and decency are basic requirements and really needn't shouldn't even need to be stated. I mean seriously, does anyone go around looking for pieces of shit? Yes, honesty would be subsumed under integrity. The type of person I would have chemistry with would naturally be honest, among other things.

11

I'm at the point where the qualifier: Must be able to tolerate me, eliminates everyone.

JimG Level 8 June 5, 2020
10

I don't have a list of qualifications for a partner. I just know when someone clicks.

As Justice Potter Stewart said when talking about how he knew obscenity, "I know it when I see it."

Amen to that. Since Annette passed in 4 years there have been only 2 women that I felt any spark for. The first one, we would have killed each other, the second one is out of reach, she's married altho not happily, and in Florida. O well. And, yeah, if ever, I'll know immediately she's the one.

And of course a lot of the list applies but then you just know these things after being around someone a short time.

9

I gave up long ago .
There are no men around 50 who are willing to take their time . Everyone at this age is looking to get married , and I have no desire for that . Also , everyone pretty much does some type of drugs , and that’s a huge turn off for me .
They see a high tech nurse and an independent woman , and their priority is how to include that into their mortgage . No thanks . Add religion / trumpists / unkind thoughts and manners , and I am hiding in my house for ever .
I have learned to travel alone , dine alone , do everything alone . I will die alone , and merry Xmas 😂✌🏻😂.

Yeah the 50 yr old men run or go to the gym to attract the 30 somethings.
So have you heard the term "HEAD nurse"? LOL

Age 50 is when all the sh-t started to hit me too. Is there some curse that goes with reaching that age?

49, not in a rush to get married. My son is a drug addict, my daughter uses, and my ex is an alcoholic. I am not judging anyone for these choices, but I simply don't want that kind of pain in my life again.

Hope you don't have to keep hiding forever, there are good guys out here still.

There are good men out there, I'm sure, but the ones who are not desperate to get married and willing to take their time are probably also not that confident or flashy in making a first impression. Most of them probably get ignored or rejected by most women who are more after the latest shiny toy in their vision.

9

I gave up dating and relationships five years ago, embraced my independence, and FREEDOM!!! Not looking, and never will again. I am much happier today than I have ever been in my one marriage, or subsequent relationships. We enculturate our males with a need to control and rule over something. I got tired of being that "something." Never again.

9

...

9

mine is: is she breathing?

8

I was doing pretty good until I got to "smell pleasant."

Of course that is a highly subjective sort of thing. I'm not really referring to colognes - but rather the "chemistry" of natural , clean, healthy body aroma. Even after a workout - some people just smell good - call it pheromones, or whatever. It can be quite conmpelling !

@evergreen So I don't really stink, it's just my natural musk? Sweeeet. 👍

8

All of those things and drop dead good looking.

That rules me out then!

I'm out!

@dalefvictor, @anglophone Looks are based on perspective!

@Gwendolyn2018 That is the problem, Salvador Dali is needed just to get a start at the perspective.

8

You stole my list!

8

I have basically given up. Porn for sex, dog for company and an ex-wife to remind me from time to time why I am not married! 🤣 We get along as friends and dog sitters, as long as we don’t have to spend too much time together.

6

Start a group with people that make lists like that. Then you can compare and evaluate and assign numerical values and use all kinds of cool tools to find the best matches based on numerical values. Or just stay single.

Or end up with a completely unsuitable partner because the sex is great.......

@AnneWimsey been there, done that. No more.

6

I have the same problem. It just seems a lot easier to remain single and pamper my dogs.

6

I agree with a lot of yours but I don’t know what you mean about a personal relationship to fantasy. I would add shared humor and intelligence, similar values around money, family and friends; doesn’t smoke; lives independently; divorced or widowed, age appropriate (my age +/- 5 years), and similar sex drive and attraction.

UUNJ Level 8 June 5, 2020

@UUNJ

"Without a personal relationship to fantasy" means no personal relationship with a fantasy god.

That's how I read it.

@LiterateHiker exactly !

@LiterateHiker I read it as anti-porn.

@AstralSmoke ..I read it as pro-porn 😀

@LiterateHiker Thank you! I had no idea.

6

I applaud your standards! Good for you!

6

don't forget "rash free"

Hankster, I agree generally, but I won't hold sensitivity to poison ivy against anyone.

@JimG excellent consideration.

6

As I wrote in my dating profile:

There must be fifty ways to meet your lover.

Hike a new trail, Dale
Climb a new hill, Bill
I’m full of joy, Roy
Come trekkin’ with me.

I’m lookin’ for smiles, Miles
Intellectually smart, Art
Love a man with wit, Mitt
Come set yourself free.

If you are a Trump supporter, hit the back button NOW.

I'm seeking an athletic, intelligent man with a great sense of humor who treats me with respect and kindness. Shared recreational activities are a bonding experience for couples. That's why I want a man who also loves hiking.

Although I'm a great cook, I'm not willing to do all of the meal planning, preparation and cooking. Everyone loves the magic words: "Dinner is served."

Loving relationships work best when we add a certain spirit, an attitude of goodwill. I wouldn't know a grudge if it mugged me. I miss the tender touch, laughter, conversation, intimacy, teamwork and fun of a committed, loving relationship.


At 66, I enjoy my own company, have a happy life and am not willing to settle. Over 70% of women age 60-80 refuse to remarry. Yet 2/3 of older men want to remarry. Why?

I found many older guys want a mommy to take care of them- doing all of the housework, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.- and great sex.

I'm not willing to be a kitchen slave or maid for a lazy, sexist guy. Forget it.

"Over 70% of women age 60-80 refuse to remarry. Yet 2/3 of older men do. Why?"

Yeah really - why indeed !? Funny how that works ...

5

I hear ya!! I'm at the point where I like my own company rather than putting up with someone's "stuff" that I find intolerable. Oh, I just added wearing cowboy hats to my list...I hate them. They make you look like a "Trumpster!" Ugh..

I do not wear a cowboy hat because I am not a cowboy. Also, MAGA is a big joke.

5

I actually had a list that I asked the guy that became my 2nd and last husband before we went out. Evidently it was a pretty good list since we were married 38 years before he died.

I asked him if he went to church.

I asked him what he thought of black people

I ask him how often he saw his children from his 1st marriage.

His answers assured me that he was not interested in religion and accepted people based on how they acted. He also was obviously a consistent absent father who had no bitterness toward his 1st wife and always put his children 1st. Then there was that grin and the green eyes.

5

I have no list and no expectations from anyone or anything or life in general. Don't get disappointed that way.
Since covid homebound been watching free amazon movies. A lot of love stories don't leave space when someone dies for anyone to fill it because they were so in love. I'm kinda in that situation. I had a wicked crush on my 2nd husband in high school, we met at 14 but he and his best friend switched sisters for like 6 years and I couldn't get to him until my 30s.
He was good looking, kind, always said 'do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" So we were always happy. Hard spot to fill for me anyways. He passed in 2005. I have dated, never interested.

5

When making lists of what you are looking for, think about how YOU stack up against what some woman is looking for. The category which an awful lot of men fail at (I am a male), is Are you not an asshole? The majority of men are assholes. You can have the best list in the world of what you are looking for, but no will woman be interested in you if you are an asshole.

That's why I have "kindness" in there.

4

I found one who meets all those criteria. I'm just not good enough.

I've been there. Connected with a few women on Batch that seemed perfect matches on paper, but none of them chose to date me, most of them wouldn't even meet me. Like you, I apparently wasn't good enough or check all the boxes on their list. Probably included looks, money, how I dress, not having kids, etc.

I think the concept “ not good enough” not helpful. Not to their taste, maybe. That’s no reflection on how “good” you are. You can’t measure your worth by other people’s taste. Still, rejection is disheartening.

@NJSnarky Thank you, it's generous of you to contribute. She chose me because of my resemblance to her previous boyfriend, but then decided I'm not fit enough, not confident enough, not sexy enough.

@TomMcGiverin she found me by doing research on Facebook. My friends, my interests, my posts, my opinions.

People are ridiculous today about their expectations

@Fletch And a big influence on that is that we're all inundated with too much information about one another. And the more and more obvious division in our everyday world. So many things to consider - whether one is able to tolerate, or not.

@BitFlipper So David, to make sure I have this right, the woman in the photo with you found you thru FB, decided to try dating you because you resembled her previous boyfriend, then decided you didn't measure up to her standards? If so, that sounds pretty strange. Sorry it went that way.

4

One other thing, these lists of requirements don't work. There's either chemistry or there isn't Someone could tick every one of those boxes then you meet him/her and an hour or even a year later, it turns out you can't stand them.

It's all about the chemistry.

Absolutely. 100% about the chemistry.....

I could have the most amazing "chemistry" that you speak of , with a druggie, or trumpie, or a racist jerk for example - and I assure you - it would go no further.

@evergreen Yes but part of what would make the chemistry work would be that such issues were not present or were negotiable.

@Sgt_Spanky Catch 22 huh ? As we don't always know all those things about someone in advance.

4

Intellect and independence in massive quantities. Enough of that combination with a relatively undamaged ability to love (prerequisite love of self), taking joy from work -not toil, and intense curiosity about how life works are what I hold out for.

Sadly, though a whistle is sometimes heard in the distance, I'm contented with the probability that the last train probably already left the station. One MUST have standards by this age or be doomed to 'Groundhog Day'. 😎

You live in the states... to find someone that loves and is passionate about their job(s), rather than someone that just does any lousy job(s) to get by or to pay bills, will be difficult.

@demifeministgal It is what makes finding such an element among the others so rare, but worth holding to the standard; especially if it is work that can be shared.
"Love, work and knowledge are the wellsprings of our life. They should also govern it." Wilhelm Reich, M.D.

It is a shame that your capitalistic, neo-liberal society has forced many to settle for available jobs, rather than their passions. And now with unemployment rates rising due to covid-19, prospects will be even more grim now. I did not know men used lack of love for one's job as a disqualifier and you've got me somewhat worried. XD 😳

@demifeministgal To distinguish work from toil requires knowing toil first, in my mind. Some are fortunate and able to pursue real work from the start without having to struggle to that level. Others of us go through life never discovering the difference; as we also confuse mere information with knowledge and sexual attraction with love.

Our cores know the difference and in the absence of oppressive, androcentric 'civilization', our kind demonstrates that we're equipped to discern the differences.

okay. But one can have knowledge that they are toiling but lack the resources, supports or financial assets to pursue something they actually love. I mean there is a reason poverty is a generational cycle and the cycle of poverty is very difficult to escape in USA. It is not due to lack of knowledge, but lack of OPPORTUNITIES and resources that other classes or previous generations took for granted.

@demifeministgal In a capitalistic society one must create opportunities not await them. The tools are determination, imagination and resourcefulness. Another common confusion exists between what is free enterprise capitalism and what is exploitative, corrupt corporatism. Enemies of the latter usually equivocate it with the former. Misinformation and intentional mis-'education' are at the roots. Not clear if one isn't acquainted with political philosophy native to us. It includes a lot of 'English law' principles but is a different animal. We are also confused with democracies for some of the same reasons.

I just don't think everyone can be successful, even under "free enterprise capitalism". There are too many variables in society and systemic structures working against people be it in the form of racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, ableism, etc. Even if none of those existed, there will still be those that have health problem and/or come from abusive or neglectful households/upbringings that cannot thrive as entrpreneurs, at least until their issues are addressed.

This research demonstrates my thinking on it: "I argue here that the mainstream narrative (its assumptions, its logic, its conclusions, and its rhetorical choices and emphases) systematically obscures, dismisses, and ignores essential ways that racial inequality has been (re)produced by US capitalism. Especially striking is the resounding silence about the legacy of racist economic practices—in particular, the ways in which the enormous black/white wealth gap (and its effects) in the USA are linked to centuries of racist exclusion, violence, and plunder. The mainstream narrative thus whitewashes capitalism and exonerates “the market system.” The final section argues for a radical multidisciplinary economics."

[journals.sagepub.com]

@demifeministgal You have an abundance of infromation and it is understandable. They call this the information age... There is, in our time, a confusion about it though. Knowledge is definitely comprised of information, but all information isn't necessarily knowledge, in that so much of it just isn't so. To be edifying and 'educational' information must be accurate and not rife with false assumptions and twisted, tortured assumptions about motives. Language is also important to be as free as possible from definitive distortions and assumptions.

Take 'success', for example. It is measured by many more indices than mere acquisition of wealth. The fundamental principle at work in our system is protection of the 'pursuit of happiness', NOT guarantee of 'success' at acquiring material wealth to the exclusion of any other measures of success.

IF one wishes only to acquire and hang on to money to the exclusion of all other considerations, hard work and tenacity will produce a lot of it. Common sense about how to make the money work for itself is all that is required to achieve great wealth from that point. This is why some of the most financially successful people are looked upon (rightfully so) as stingy, self-serving, self-absorbed misers by friends and especially family. They have and live by a single priority.

If they have hearts and compassion, wealth accumulation will be slower and maybe not at all. but it is entirely their choice. If they become addicted to drugs, other artifice or extravagance, obviously they will fail at material 'success'. It really isn't that hard to do IF, that is all that is important or all one uses to measure success. Race and sex will make it easier or more difficult but that is NOTHING NEW. The world has always been a place where it's who you know or how hard you want to work and struggle.

Fairness? There is no such thing in nature or, for that matter, human nature. It is a completely human, ideal and only exists to the extent that humans act to create it. Don't hold your breath long awaiting it.

Well I think peer reviewed economic or social science research papers are pretty credible and reliable knowledge bases. Others may prefer YouTube or personal experiences or experience of those they admire.
Are you suggesting that I was making assumptions or that the peer reviewed article was making assumptions?
I think the American capitalist structure is in fact preoccupied with hoarding wealth and making profits and does not concern itself with the pursuit of happiness.

4

...proximity 😉 ..but that’s a darn good list ~

Varn Level 8 June 5, 2020

oooh yeah - forgot that one ...

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