@Gwendolyn2018 Then explicitly say so, "Seeking only male friends for occaisional meals together", nothing more. The reason I thought you were after FWB is that almost nobody on a dating site is going to be interested in meeting and getting to know a woman simply to share a meal and conversation once in a while, at least not the men I have known in my life or the men I have heard about from dating sites. Maybe you are on there just for amusement more than you know or are letting on. No offense, Gwen, just saying how it looks based on what you have shared.

The way most men I have known are wired they only want to meet women for three types of situations: Conventional relationships with sex and emotional attachment as part of a relationship. Platonic friendship. FWB. Of course, these only apply to men who are into monogamy. Once you open the field to those who into poly, then it expands considerably beyond the three types I listed.

@Gwendolyn2018 It does and it doesn't. You want a platonic relationship that only involves meeting once in a while for meals and talk, not regular communication or contact in between meetings. That is much more limited than what most men would expect when you say you are looking for friends only. To me and most men, friends, male or female, means or implies an ongoing friendship where you talk regularly and get together more than just once in a blue moon. So, yes, you do need to add more explicit definition of what you want and are willing to be involved in.

@Gwendolyn2018 There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want, I'm just saying there are very few single men out there who are either wanting the same thing as what you are stating or willing to settle for that. Most single men want to meet women who at least want an emotional relationship, regular contact and regular meeting in person, if not a sexual relationship as well. You want a phone/text buddy who also will meet for an occaisional meal. Few and far between pickings. Good luck.

I agree with what you said. There is possibly a mind set where guys feel or think they 'can win them over' , or that is just a form of 'cat and mouse'. Some like the chase.

@GenkidesRich And to be fair, some women play that game. I see it at work. And I stay away from them.

... and many of us are just the opposite. We know we are not attractive and can't interpret signals because we never see any signals.

@Gwendolyn2018 I noticed that. That's why I didn't complain.

Definitely a signaling issue. A large part of communication is visual. It’s hard enough to get all the signals in person , let alone on line. But, they are not trying to communicate. They are just fishing. Any bite at all is potential action...

@Canndue Agreed, I gave up online dating for that reason. My profile was clear. The very first line I put that I was atheist, feminist and liberal and if that was not okay please don't contact me. It seemed to act more like a red flag to trolls. So many claiming to be xtians on their profile contacted me for "sex with an atheist whore". Seriously! It got to be funny the contacts I'd get. Most never read a word I wrote.

I finally thought "these people don't even look at the profile, not even the pic" so... I put a headshot pic of me in a huge mustache on my profile page. Couldn't possibly miss it. They still contacted me telling me "hey beautiful". Finally some 3 weeks went by and a dude responded with, "nice pic, I laughed my ass off" . He was looking for someone else but he was nice and funny. I took my profile down after that. No regrets.

The thing is it's not "men" or "women" it's just people. Some are great and some are assholes but most miscommunicate.

@Gwendolyn2018 I guess I'm confused too. This post It has been my experience that many men have no clue about "signals." Because I am friendly in real life, men most often think that I am hitting on them. By the way, it isn't just men, either; women often want to be my best friend after a ten minute chat in Walmart. My sister says I need to stop smiling, but that isn't going to happen", seems to be saying that you know it's you who is coming across in a way that might lead people on but you're unwilling to make changes to stop it. Please explain.

@Gwendolyn2018 That's not what I said or implied. And you said "most" not some. I did noticed how you avoided any responsibility when you obviously know that you share the miscommunication. I think I see what you're about here and good luck to you.

@Gwendolyn2018 I never said that, you said that.

@Gwendolyn2018 That would be because I didn't and you're unable to quote what I didn't state. That's fine. I good with being done here.

@Gwendolyn2018 Annnnd . . . you got the last word! good for you! Well, you almost did, and I know that you want it. Go ahead, reply one more time and I promise, I will not say another word to you.

@Gwendolyn2018 Yep, I'm pretty reclusive too, except for this small group of friends I meet with once or twice a week for live music and dancing. They understand I like to keep my distance. As one guy said "That's coming through loud and clear" haha! Otherwise, I keep to myself at home and am loving it.

@Gwendolyn2018 That's why I'm not for this "Signals" thing. ‍

You're young, give it some time . That said, it's heartening that a young person understands speaking and communicating with words is the best way to avoid the awkward realization of crossed signals. As a young woman I had a couple of instances where I thought the guy was interested in more than just friendship, the 'vibe' seemed right . . . live and learn.

I believe LBJ said exactly that about chasing women. Just be blunt and say you want sex when you go around approaching women. You'll usually get slapped, but sometimes you'll get lucky. Saves time when you are in a bar cruising...

Good that that Darling leader is gone soon

@Gwendolyn2018 Funny story. Many years ago my brother, myself and a bloke we'll call fred were out drinking in a club together. My brother was politely talking to an attractive young woman when fred, who was obviously with us said to her "do you f##k". She quite rightly stormed off and my brother said to fred "when we leave here, you're havin' it" An hour or so later, when we left (we had come into town in the same car) my brother said to fred, "do you remember what I said, are you ready?" Fred said sure and my brother hit him three times before he hit the ground. I think he was unconscious from the first hit. Lessons learned; always be respectful to women and, don't piss off my brother

@Gwendolyn2018 Thank you! I dearly wish I could say yes but unfortunately he died in 2018

@Gwendolyn2018 I understand. I'm eldest but the fittest male (I didn't smoke). My other brother is very sick and when he dies I'll be devastated. I have 3 sisters though and they'll live forever. The women in my family tree do.

Good point.

. . . (her) quote :
"I make it clear on my profile that I am looking for FRIENDS ONLY. I am not interested in any type of a "relationship" and want only an occasion lunch or dinner"

@Gwendolyn2018 I have four female friends and all of whom I have known for more than twenty years and only one of them I met on a dating site.

When one of my coworkers told me about how he slept with someone on their first date, and then the next morning she was upset because he told her he had things to do and she would have to leave the apartment, but he's such a manful man that after she broke up with him she came back to him and now they're married....
I just felt sorry for her and wondered how the fuck she (a highly trained and educated nurse) could hold herself to be of such little value that she would marry someone who had so little respect for her.

@Gwendolyn2018 Hopefully we all try to understand someone. This situation is so nuanced and there is def not one answer, or one reason why guys are like this. I don't know this guy at all so its impossible to say. I know we try to speculate on what the answer 'could' be, but we will never really know what the most accurate or 'right' reason is. I am just glad you called him out on his BS right away. I, like most of us here I'm sure, would like to have seen his reaction.

@Gwendolyn2018 Hmm, not to try to rationalize his answer, he could have confused it with another. For reals, I would say a VERY small percentage of women would actually have fwb on a profile. For that idiot male, he should make damm sure of what he says is true and accurate. But even still, he should have gone, OH!! My mistake and apologize. I feel that is probably asking way to much from him from what you have shared.

@Gwendolyn2018 UGH now that would make me upset. Maybe you can write back and explain how rude/vulgar in his assumptions.

@Gwendolyn2018 My current SO (I guess girlfriend? it seems strange to say when I'm 55 and she's 60) is not at all concerned that my best friend is a female nurse in Alabama who I met through chatting on a website while my marriage was in trouble and I was seeking advice from people. I even admitted that had we lived a few hundred miles closer, we probably would have tried something years ago- but almost 700 miles is too far by far.

And I'm going to take this opportunity to brag a little- when she came to drop off leftovers from her family's big dinner today (I'm self-isolating from everyone not at work, we have another outbreak situation), she said the "L" word. I still feel nice and warm and fizzy inside.

@Gwendolyn2018 I think I can guess what she needed "done" at her house...

@Gwendolyn2018 i feel you there. Im immune compromised so I go to work, the gym, home and thats it every day. I am also a loner by necessity as I'm the only one of us in my town. Also the only non trumper in my town so I tend to keep to myself as well. I deleted all my profiles a long time ago, the quality of which I was finding were interested in me wasn't worth the effort lol

@Gwendolyn2018 i work in the service industry. Its turned me into a loaner lol.

@Gwendolyn2018 yeah didn't notice my stupid phone auto corrected that.

@Gwendolyn2018 Yell at him and then block him.

@Gwendolyn2018 Not a good chat up line either. lol

@Gwendolyn2018 You must have been overcome with desire when he said "pretty please". lol

@Gwendolyn2018 Your a strong woman. resisting their charms. I don't know how you do it. You're amazing. lol

@Gwendolyn2018 BOTH!! There were several times when I miss read the "vibe".
The best one was this guy I met, we hit it OFF!! Jokes, temperament, etc. After about 6 months and several people asking me if we were an 'item' I finally asked him, "Are you straight or gay?" He replied, "I've been both but now identify as gay". Which opened up a whole nother level of conversation. We are best friends.

P.S. The "vibe" I got from him was as he said, "From the minute he met me he knew I understood the 'life'." NO ONE but his close family knows he is gay.
He's okay with not being open - he's 76. I sometimes think it's sad he has a side no one ever gets to see but I am honored he trusts me.

@Gwendolyn2018 oh yeah, happens a lot. Body language is at least as good a communicator as the mouth, fortunately.

@Gwendolyn2018 I have commented multiple times, "I say what I mean and mean what I say -- I don't think that makes me a mean person"

Last summer I was in a very short relationship with someone (1 weekend, after about a month of texting). I thought I had made it very clear that I was looking for a casual thing to start with, because I did not have the time or emotional availability for more at that point; and maybe at some time far in the future it might become more. And she agreed. Then, on Monday, she started giving me parenting and career advice and telling me what she found unacceptable about me and what would have to change....
Well, that was it for me.

I read an article once about a woman complaining about men and women having different ideas about what FWB actually means. Her expectation was that there would be a friendship element as well, not just hook ups for sex. To the men, she found, it was all about hooking up for the sex but no real friendship.

You stated that you are in it for "sexual fun." So, is it really a FWB relationship, or is it just hooking up every so often?

@Joanne Nothing serious = not a relationship in a romantic sense. I was just using shorthand as I don't like typing, too much of it during work. I'm actually still friends with several of my former FWBs (though they are spread across the globe as I have lived in a few countries).If I become active on any of those sites/apps then I'll adjust it to read what I am hoping to find.
But I was mostly trying to get across the point that some of the behaviours @Gwendolyn2018 noticed and was not fond of were learned behaviours from interactions with other people before her. It's annoying when people change their intentions (I want X but I'm really trying for Y without telling you), so I appreciate when somebody is honest about it, as she was. If I was to run into a profile that read "looking for a friend only" I would either just pursue a platonic friendship or ignore and move on, depending on what I was looking for at the moment. People adjust their behaviours based on their experiences (and hopes). And yes, I know, it says nothing of the social pressures the OP mentioned, that's more than I feel like typing during my lunch break.

@Gwendolyn2018 I'll keep that in mind if things don't work out with M'Lady. But this has started out very well and been going since February, not bad for a relationship where there are months we can't see each other even though we live only 25 minutes apart. Stupid pandemic.

@Gwendolyn2018 This is a "mixed signal" In my reply to his first email, I let him know "friends only." I reiterated that when we met. I also pointed out to him that his profile said he was searching for a "serious relationship" and that would not happen. He was warned.

Why did you even communicate with him if he wants what you don't? This is the mixed signal you blamed him for. You said "no" but then agreed, so he thought you meant maybe. The "he was warned" has nothing to do with why would you even consider him in the first place. You started the mixed signal by agreeing to communicate with him. That's on you.

@Leelu That sounds like a double standard. No means no. If men (MIS)interpret that, that is on THEM.

@Gwendolyn2018 You say tou want "friends only" and yet communicate with men who want a "relationship"... sounds like bait and switch to me or possibly being a tease. It's obvious you don't want to see it so okay. Not my problem. People who ask for opinions should be prepared to get a variety.

@FearlessFly Except it wasn't "no". She says she stated "friends only" and then started communicating with someone who want something more. That's disingenuous. That's a double standard.

@Leelu I disagree.

That is, IMO, the kind of thinking/rationale that men use to justify whatever they think they can get-away with -- all the way to actual rape.

@Gwendolyn2018 Really, where's your responsibility here? Anywhere?

@FearlessFly Really, because I see her not willing to accept her part in the miscommunication. It's all "him this and him that" again... Why would she continue with someone who clearly wanted more? When you answer that then we'll have something else to talk about. Don't hold your breath because she won't even answer it.

@Gwendolyn2018 Still won't answer the question of why you communicated with someone who wanted a relationship when you say you didn't. When/if you have an answer I'll listen.

@Leelu I think she's more than answered you, in more than one place.

So, to use a VERY crude analogy:

If you have a hot dog stand, clearly advertise that you have a hot dog stand, but I say, "Man, I feel like a steak..." You then reiterate that you have a hot dog stand, you sell hot dogs, and if I come around there you have some great hot dogs to offer. I repeat, "A steak would be great, but I'll come over to your hot dog stand anyway." You mention once again that what you have to offer are hot dogs, and nothing more than hot dogs.

So when I show up and say, "I thought I could get a steak here," who is responsible for the miscommunication? You for talking to me, or me for refusing to hear what you were saying?

@Gwendolyn2018 FYI Leelu is not for real. About a month ago, she was causing a problem on a thread so I blocked her. She immediately made up a new profile so that she could continue to be a problem while pretending to be someone else. Her main problem seems to be other women.

On the upside, I like your confidence, your intelligence and your quilts. On the issue at hand, I think there will always be some men who will try to impose their will on you and that is why they are single and there will always be ones that don't. Separating the wheat from the chaff is a big job in this case. I hope you can get some enjoyment from it.

@Paul4747 Okay, then why not just say, "No steaks here, go to a steakhouse"? Why invite them to sit at your counter?

Are you honestly saying that a person who doesn't want a relationship has no responsibility to not start a relationship with someone who does? If so, you and I see things very differently.

@Leelu We obviously do. If I'm told by someone, several times, that all they're interested in is friendship- well, I'm not going to say I've never been the one who deluded themselves into thinking "If I hang around long enough, they'll see what a wonderful person I am and fall in love with me," but I learned from that and now I don't see the world that way anymore. I see that everyone is responsible for their own actions. "She led me on" is not now, and never has been a valid excuse. We lead ourselves on.

@LovinLarge Wait, Leelu is a she? I thought it was a Hawaiian name or something. Sure came off like a man who hates women. My bad.

@Paul4747 I see you didn't answer my question of why invite him to sit at the counter instead of sending them on their way.

@Paul4747 "Came off like a man who hates women?" Wow, projection much. Is this how you try to make yourself believe you've won a disagreement. How disingenuous of you.
Please quote where I said anything negative about women. Please.

@Paul4747 Just as bad, a woman who hates women!

@Gwendolyn2018 in point 1 you say you are only looking for friends, and he says he is looking for something more, I'm sorry but it doesn't take three or four meetings to work out that the bloke is looking for something else, you knew this from the start.
There is no excuse after that!
And seeing as you knew, why the hell did you still engage with the bloke??never mind inviting him into your home. To me that playing a very dangerous game.

@Gwendolyn2018, @Paul4747 This is making sense to me now. The first thing Leelu did when "she" came to this site was criticize the Feminist Atheists group and I thought it was odd out of the blue like that. The group isn't very active so "she" can't really criticize feminists there, so "she" does it in the gereral feed. Many thanks to both of you for clueing me in. It still catches me by surprise when people are intentionally deceptive!

@Garf Some people still take others at face value, so when she said "I'm only looking for friendship," and he agreed to visit, I'm presuming from everything I've read here that @Gwendolyn2018 took the fellow at face value as understanding and agreeing that he was visiting as a friend. (Confirmed yet again by her recitation of the history, which should not be needed if anyone is paying attention.)

I have made the same mistake in the opposite direction. I have had a lady tell me she was "ready for more", and then it turned out she was not ready for more. Those are the breaks and I didn't hold it against her. (In any sense, mentally or physically. No double entendre intended. Get our minds out of the gutter, people!)

@Gwendolyn2018 I think he actually did a 180. A 360 would mean he was back to being friends again.

I was a math minor.

@Gwendolyn2018 ok then, you established you only wanted to be friends, that's all fine and dandy, but the bloke did have on his profile he was looking for something more than friendship...correct??
The second meeting was at your house??
What the hell were you thinking inviting a bloke who you fully know wants something more into your personal safe space??? And yes I realise the guy did say he was ok with being friends with you in the first correspondence, but you have this guy a very big green flag by inviting him into your home, then you give him a gift??
I'm not really interested in what this other person on this site has to say, even if they say similar stuff.
That's a deflect.
You asked for opinions and you got them.
If you want to put all the blame on the guy, that's fine, it's not my problem, but you as a person have to accept the role you played in this whole game.
If the roles where reversed, I wouldn't of even responded to the question of meeting up, because I knew for a fact that the person had on there profile they were looking for something more serious, and I certainly wouldn't of invited them into my personal safe space of home.
I would of ended it there and then.
I'm not saying your totally at fault though, the guy should not have tried to make a pass at you, and you shouldn't of engaged with the guy.
If you bored or hiding out on dating sites like you said in your opening post, that's playing a game. Plain and simple.

@Paul4747 face value or not, the OP knew that the guy was looking for more and still engaged with them and invited them into there home and gave them a gift, that isn't face value, that's playing a dangerous game.

@Gwendolyn2018 wow!! Personal attacks eh?
I never would resort to acting like a child and use personal insults.
I hope you find what you are looking for and good luck out in the world.