Agnostic.com

359 214

Dating after 50

Is it just me, or is dating after 50 a nightmare?

It seems like almost everyone is so religious, which narrows the pool significantly.

Then out of those who are left the majority fall into one of these categories: looking for a nurse/care giver,
looking for someone MUCH younger to recapture their youth or REPUBLICAN

Then of the 10 people in your region that are left...you don't like 5 and the other 5 don't like you.

OYE! I think I just need a gay best friend to do things with and a new vibrator.

Crimson67 8 Jan 6

Post a comment Reply Add Photo

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

359 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

39

I have a 50 y.o. friend in Seattle who does online dating -- she says that when she meets them online or by phone, she addresses in her first conversation, explaining the desire to not waste his time or her own time:

  1. Do you smoke?

  2. Did you vote for djt?

  3. How religious are you? (She is agnostic and won't go to church, but so far is okay with others keeping some religion.)

She inspired me when I wrote my profile on another site. It could not be more clear on there that I am atheist, not interested in dating a believer, and that I am very liberal. I even say "If you voted for djt, let's just pass and wave." 😉

@Chefedone I like your approach

I love this! I always ask similar questions. I am Canadian but I am obsessed with DJT (and have changed business plans so I don't have to be anywhere near the 63 million who voted for him) so I asked, If you were an American, would you vote for the sexual predator DJT, do you smoke, and what, if any, is your religious orientation? Once I have filtered out the religious men, the smoking men and the would-be (shudder) DJT supporters, I then may date them. On the two occasions, out of about ten dates, that I went to bed with them, one man who was 55 and one man who was 52, both had erectile dysfunction. Ugh. Why go to bed with me if you can't perform, or how about giving me the head's up before I am all hot and bothered? Ick.

@mauxjen Yeah, LOL, that is definitely something to talk about ahead of time on Wednesday.

@mauxjen Haha - reminds me of why I quit dating years ago, I’ve no desire to be a sex therapist.

I totally agree. Smoking is a no-no for me because I am allergic to the smoke. In Canada, I always ascertain politics, because the Right is wrong as far as I am concerned and I cannot respect anyone who espouses conservative politics. One woman I went out with was a "holy roller". She took me to her church one night and after about a half hour of watching people seizure on the floor, speak in tongues and harass me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and saviour, I was out of there. I also ask about dominance because I prefer a dominant woman.--- Ya gotta ask all of these.

29

Dating after is a nightmare. I read an article before I initiated my divorce that for women over 50, men were looking for "nurses with purses". I did it anyway. And yes, I live in a conservative Republif**k state, so the pickings are slim for a radical, liberal, hippie chick.

I have never heard that before "nurses with purses". Thank you, You have made me laugh, because there are men like that. I am not one of them.

22

Oh so agree with you. Met someone a couple of months ago-political activist-very excited-no time for a relationship lol. Others are trumpsters and conservative. A lot of my relationships have been with younger guys so the ones near my age don't like heavy metal and grunge. It's a conundrum out there.

reminded me my ex-wife going to a concert of the band my daughter was managing... industrial metal.... she said It Was Too Loud!!!!

Metal and Grunge,.... I think at least 2/3 of my CD collection falls into those two categories. Rest is 80s 'New Wave'.

@Crimson67 I couldn't do that... one of my daughters will kill her. I am not joking.

@Crimson67 Well a cougar is better than a dirty old man, Bwahaha.

I prefer the term "Naughty Hobo" as it captures my spirit (lol) better.

@Crimson67 What have you been reading? Older men who admit to liking younger women are immediately seen as 'preying' on younger women and are called PERVS. I think I'd be more than happy to be called anything resembling the male equivalent of a cougar than a perv.

I like grunge, rock, et, Is what keeps me young and alert

@Silvertongue Older men dating much younger women are only pervs or predators if they're POOR.
But the wealthy ones can date anyone!
Ugh.

21

Friends with benefits is always an option. That’s is if you can find someone that isn’t too annoying 🙂

I'm not annoying...for what it's worth

19

For us people of a certain age, dating and finding that special someone is way more of a challenge than it is for the younger people. Dating is much easier for some than others at any age, but the older we get, the longer we are alone or not in a relationship, the harder it becomes as far as I can tell.
When we are young and starting out, we meet someone who knocks us off our feet and fall in love. Chances are, we live at home, have limited income, big plans for the future and looking for someone to go through life with. Once we meet that person, we start our plans together, careers open up and we make life choices that meet our needs. And than the shit hit the proverbial fan, for whatever reasons, the relationship goes south, we don't meet each others needs, love dies, family and work take a toll on the romance and we get divorced, sometimes several times. Each time, we go in hoping the person will be the storybook romance we see others have, best friends, shared interests, shared families. But it doesn't work out.
Then for many, there comes a time of just being single. For many women, it seems to be while their kids are growing up, they don't want to bring new men into their lives and have it not work out. For men, it could be a career that is just too demanding to have time for romance and the effort of dating. Or we just have no interest in the heartbreak. Time goes by and through some means (On-line dating, chance encounter) we meet someone who stirs up interest, maybe go out a few times, get to feel like we enjoy each others company. But unlike the young lovers, we have each a long history, own our homes, have our own families and friends, habits and interests that have been nurtured for years. Our own financial situations, debts, and spending habits. Maybe one likes to eat out most nights, one like to cook at home or eat spur of the moment. If you get together, do we spend our time in your place or my place? If we decide to be a couple, what do we do with the finances, our family obligations, our furniture and collections? Admittedly, some are better at this than others. Some people have limited possessions, no financial obligations and the transition is fairly easy, but most not so much.
This is not to say it can't work, I have certainly known a few who made the transition without too much drama and had a very successful end of life relationship. But I have known many more that could not make it work. I have limited hope in finding that person, but have not closed the door as some on here have. But I try to keep my hopes realistic and accept that I may just die alone. I have grown comfortable with my own company after 10 years of being by myself. Not how I pictured my life, but better than being in a bad marriage as I see so many people dealing with, I think.

Yeah, stay realistic there is no STORYBOOK.

18

That made me laugh!!!!

I am newly single again so I'm not even up for actually dating yet. However, I did put a profile up on a very popular site just out of curiosity.

Where I live - Louisiana - 95% are some variation of Christian/Catholic/Protestant.

I wouldn't date with a man my age who would go out with somebody 20-30 years younger than he (if he was open about that).

And, like you, I've narrowed my own pool by eliminating conservatives.

Then no smokers. Then they have to have a job and make a decent income. Oy is right!!!

So, that leaves me with about .05% of the population. And, from that, it's like you said -- either they don't see anything interesting in me or vice versa.

Or, some moron sends me a private message and barely gets "hello" typed before he's asking if I want to have sex and fun. WTF is wrong with people? I truly wonder how many women reply with "Yeah, glad you asked! Let's do it -- phone, cyber, your place or mine?"

I would not be surprised if I am completely single until retirement and I move back to what I consider civilization -- a more liberal area. I'm okay with that.

@SACatWalker In the big picture, besides AIDS, sexually transmitted infections are not as big of a deal as the stigma makes them.

Think about this hypothetical—you have to choose from only four available women in the universe. They each have only one negative thing about them—otherwise they are perfect.

Woman A is a habitual liar—otherwise perfect.

Woman B is a kleptomaniac-otherwise perfect.

Woman C gets off on belittling cashiers and food servers-otherwise perfect.

Woman D has herpes-otherwise perfect.

Which do you choose?

A person can get herpes with only having had one partner ever — or zero partners.

Every person you know who has ever had a “cold sore” or a “fever blister” has a medical condition called herpes—only it’s dressed up with a “nice” word.

Getting off my soapbox now....just doing my little part to try to remove the stigma about humans with an actual medical condition for which NOBODY asks.

Cheers!! 🙂

@SACatWalker Okay, protest heard and I concede that. You are right, a habitual liar would have a whole bag of problems undoubtedly. 🙂 But, I think and hope you get my point. It's a medical condition nobody asks for and it is not a life ender and it is not, to me, a legitimate reason to judge somebody or to rule them out. That said, to each his or her own, right? 🙂

@SACatWalker Laughing VERY out loud!!! Hilarious! Can you imagine telling somebody that? They definitely would not be expecting that reaction. 🙂 Good for you, SAC!

BlueWave, you live in Louisiana? How the hell do you keep your sanity???? If I lived in the Bible Belt South I would go bonkers. I recommend that you move to Minneapolis, it is pretty liberal here. But there still is the situation of the dudes wanting to have cyber sex or real life sex right away. There was only one time I did cyber sex. I chatted with a single, atheist man who lives in Ras El Bar, Egypt. Single men cannot have girlfriends. If men and women are caught dating, they get beaten and taken off to jail. The women usually are covered, only their hands and faces show. So, these desperate Egyptian dudes go on FB and beg American women to flash them. Lots of American women open their webcams and show their stuff, they feel sorry for those poor Arab dudes.

@SusanHilde Just saw this almost a month later. It is hard. I feel like a fish out of water. And, driving for Uber, I hear so many people talk about how much they LLLLOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEE it here. Alrighty then. I don't hate it here. It just doesn't feel like a "fit."

I am going to Minneapolis in May. My favorite cousins live there. Don't know if I could ever get used to the bitterly cold winters. My old law firm (job) is headquartered there, so I could conceivably have a job. Hmmmm.......

@BlueWave besides the stigma, AIDS really isn't a big deal anymore either. The meds have made it so people with HIV are unlikely to pass it on, and partners without HIV can also take meds to prevent getting it. It's pretty much just stigma and ignorance now.

[thebody.com]

@SurvivorSteph Y'know, you're right. I would change my comment above, but then these two comments wouldn't make sense. It was ignorant of me to exclude AIDS from the not such a big deal. I know people live full and long lives with AIDS - unlike 30 years ago.

@BlueWave and if their virus is supresssd they’re unlikely to pass it to the rest of us! ?

@SurvivorSteph Yup

@bluewave anyone who would date someone with aids has a death wish.

17

I just turned 50 and recently divorced after 21 years in a quite difficult marriage. The prospect of being single and dating again is a daunting task. I am not sure I will be good at it. I am rusty for sure. But in a strange way I look forward to finding myself. Who knows, maybe being alone for a while will be a good thing.

@JustLynnie Heheheh.

@JustLynnie IMHO, being good looking, for either gender, is NO guarantee that one will find a ' meaningful intimate dedicated relationship.' It CAN be a liability. When I see a man who is Mark Harmon cute , I will not contact him, thinking ' he will never date me, with just slightly above average looks"( for my age.) as he can have the pick of the litter. That thinking is a disservice to handsome men, many of whom are not egocentric or vain in the least. I took a chance once on one such man in Mountain view, contacted him, and we had a good time the first few times we met. He was the consummate gentleman, and told me that his good looks were indeed a liability.

16

I disagree. Im 56, I’m not looking for a nurse, I’d rather not recapture my youth and I’m definitely not republican. But, crap, I live in Texas.

Just move to Minneapolis. Lots of middle aged, educated liberal women here. You will soon have to call the police to fight off all the women chasing you and beating down your door. 🙂

I’ll have to remember that. @SusanHilde

I wish you lived in California.

16

not quite 50 yet but i must say you look Great for 50!

15

That's the nice thing about vibrators. They don't nag for sandwiches, they don't snore, and they never make you sleep in the wet spot (unless you want to-your choice). I've always said that when girls turn 15, they should be given a vibrator and a lifetime supply of Duracell batteries.
It would eliminate SO much aggravation for them.

There in lies the issue. Men speak explicitly, like in giving dog commands (sit, fetch, rollover).
Women speak elicitly and men are clueless.
Been there, done that, not getting married again.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, speak directly and to the point. Problem solved.

Thanks to you ladies my STOCK in Duracell has tripled in the last 4 years. but honestly at the same time MY JOB has been farmed out....so ...???

Yep, vibrators are nice ... a vibrator never talks back, is too tired or out of town! I claim not to be overly attached to my vibrator, but last Valentine's Day I sent it two dozen roses. 🙂

@SKH78 ?

15

It's not just you. But I think it was really always a nightmare; we just didn't know we had a choice when we were younger. Plus, younger people are more flexible, because they haven't solidified who they are yet.

skado Level 8 Jan 6, 2018

@witchymom Yep. Too soon old and too late smart.

You speak the truth. Also, I now find that I just don't want to waste any time on relationships or even friendships that are not healthy for me or just take up time. In my youth I would never actively terminate a friendship (maybe avoid them🙂 but not terminate....I confess that after 50 I have terminate friendships in which I no longer felt compatible in. This leaves me more precious time to be with those I truly care about.

15

Ha,
I decided that it's not worth the hassle anymore.
But I do have girls that are friends, and they are a lot more interesting and fun than the friends of mine that are guys...

14

I find that the men are either addicted to something, or looking for a barbie doll. even though they have a beer gut and wear socks with sandals!

Not all of us are addicted or looking for Barbie. I'm a pretty slender 68 yr old, no sox w/sandals, but I don't want to look like the number 10 when strolling next to a (female) partner, if you catch my drift (not that I'm looking).

Wow you’ve meet so challenging men I’m so sorry

14

What a great post this turned out to be. I have enjoyed reading all the responses. It seems most of us middle aged people are sharing the same nightmare...?

I hope not... I don't see my future as nightmare, it is a mystery, that is all. TY for the post.

No Step., it’s not a nightmare, your just in the wrong place I fear.

13

As a new-ishly (happily) divorced 52 year old, this thread is depressing - and true. I want a companion, but I have obligations. I want love, but have forgotten how to be a good lover. I want someone who is like me, but brings out my better angels. Who is my age, atheist-ish, lives near me, is well educated, smart, funny...etc. Oh, and I don't really want any of that - too much work. Easier to be on my own. But, then, I want a funny travel companion, and it suddenly isn't always easier to be alone...Wow. I like my life, would like to share it, but am too old and too picky to succeed. Well, thanks all. I'm now feeling old and want to tell people to get off my lawn. I'm off to bed now. 🙂

Holli Level 6 June 18, 2018
13

I was always kind of a loser with girls as a teenager, but after my wife left in my late 50s, I've met at least half-a-dozen women whom I'd love to partner with, and I have so enjoyed dating and meeting them and enjoying their company. I'm now 65, still healthy and fit and have an actual job, and my competition is mostly apparently dead or debilitated in some way. I'm having the best sex of my life with a lovely 69 year-old teenager in a seemingly stable relationship (with help from generic Viagra and Merlin the Hitachi Magic Wand).
But of all the hard questions I'm going to ask the Big Guy on Judgment Day -- of all the horrible sadistic things things this Creator must answer for from those of us who know what "theodicy" means -- He's gonna have to explain why I had to wait so long to meet this dear woman, and I know He doesn't have a good answer, and if I was as mean and vindictive as He is supposed to be, I'd send Him to Hell were it not for the fact that He assigned me a guardian angel incompetent enough to occasionally relax his vigilance over my virtue while he was off molesting some hapless cherub so I could get laid while he wasn't looking.

The nuns in school did teach us that sex was the dirtiest, evilest, mostest nastiest thing in the world, and we had to save it for the person we love most -- this alone made it sound absolutely irresistible -- but if they'd told me I'd have to wait until I was practically too old to do it, it might have been just a little discouraging.
But when Joy shows up on your doorstep, make it welcome.

13

I'm over 50 and have been single for over a year now. What I don't understand, is why I even care about dating at this time in my life. I've done all the good wifie stuff, raised my children, and buried my parents etc. So now I really, really like being on my own, yet I still have emotional and physical feelings for men. You'd think I'd had enough by now 🙂

ags2 Level 5 Feb 7, 2018

I think one gets used to being in relationships. Even if it's someone to say, "Hey check this out," and share something cute or amusing of infuriating. I live in a house with other people, and my daughter's still here, but it's not the same. Other than a few years in my 40s when I was unable to care for myself, and didn't want to put that burden on someone new, this is the longest I've gone without being in a relationship. My art keeps me in my head for long periods, and it's nice to ground to Earth.

Hope springs eternal. I've been in a situation where it's easy to believe that I'd never find love again. I think that you just remain open minded. You live your life but leave enough space for someone to come along. This is something that can change overnight. If you think about it, there's really no reason to shut out the idea of finding a mate again.

Haha there is some of that with me, too. I keep waiting to no longer desire women!! But of course it never happens.....

12

As we age the old adage that was true in our youth:" A good man is hard to find" becomes:
"a hard man is good to find";

Here here and that’s way there’s Viagra which has saved my life metaphorically

11

I love where I'm at in my life. As far as dating, if/when it happens will be fine. I've said this before, at 53 I feel like I'm finally the person who I was meant to be all along. If someone is attracted to that great. If not that's ok too. I know what I want in a relationship regardless of age. When it's meant to happen it will.

I am right there with you. It has taken me a very long time to get here but I am so happy with where I am and who I am.

11

There are a lot in nightmares in life, in my view dating is not one of them... Maybe when I was a teenager, but WTH, life is much more important and complex than to worry about such things in my view.

Plus, the concept of a "date " after a certain point in one's emotional maturity is silly, NO???

THINK ABOUT IT... It is simply a MUTUAL INTERVIEW, maybe treat it as such; be happy to have the opportunity. Why go into this with a negative attitude from the get-go. If it doesn't work, no bones are (usually) broken. Common sense and ALSO A SENSE OF HUMOR are the ticket.

YIKES. Nightmare? I guess I have lived perhaps, a too eventful life to be terrified of meeting a new potential mate.

I like the way you think!

11

I'm laughing through the tears here. You really said it all. May I add the many candidates who post pictures of all their toys, motorcycle, speedboat, ad nauseum? WTF?! Just my luck that I'm the monogamous marrying kind. It's really the pits.

11

I am right there with you! My young gay friend (an awesome set up, BTW) moved to Brazil!

My attempts at dating lead to guys seeking: instant sex (I am not a by-the-third-date sort), instant marriage, instant bank account, or instant mom. The nonbeliever and left leaning thing further hurts my chances as does a general (at least with who I've encountered so far) male fear of widows (the whole cannot-compete-with-a-ghost thing). News flash! Late hubs ain't coming back, AND shall forever remain 42.

I figure I will see how it goes once my nest empties. A change in geography might be in order...

Zster Level 8 Jan 6, 2018

My 17 YO is a terrific travel buddy for me, too. He got big and muscular in 2014. I can venture ANY where with him and not be harrassed. (;

@Crimson67 Once your son flies the nest??My sons 33 we call him a boomerang.He's come back twice.We're thinking of moving 30 miles away.we need to have some fun in our later years before we're to old.I don't think we are going to give him our new address.

I have not experienced the "fear of widows" thing. Were you serious about that? - Devrais

@DevraisA1 Very. There is significant subset of the male population, possibly a very insecure set, who claim it's not worth trying to compete with a beloved ghost. I figure they are doing me a huge favor by not wasting my time.

10

It took a while but finally I figured out that the problem is me not them. I really do not want someone underfoot, worried about this, that, or the cat. I do not want the drama, the heartache, nor the lack of freedom to fart as I please.

I didn't know that farting could end relationships. Lol

@SusanHilde then you have had a protected life. 😉

I don't know if I have had a "protected" life, but I just did not know that so many people object to hearing/smelling the farts of their spouses.

10

try after 60! With every decade after say the 20's when most people connect it changes for a different reason. THe options are narrowed and the stage of life makes such a difference. Maybe that is what makes some more religious!

10

You'll just have to start dating younger men. 😀

ha ha ha ... like how much younger??? When I took my trip to Egypt, I got propositioned by a dude 23 years my junior ... I told him that he needed to find a young woman his age. He exclaimed "But I LOVE older women!" Here at home, I was in the public library and a dude 30 years younger than me tried to pick me up. Again I said "You need to find a woman your own age - lots of older women do not have those urges anymore." He replied "Older women are sexy!" Yep - older women have sexy checkbooks. LOL .... lol

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:13170
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.