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Man tries to guilt me into meeting him 2,000 miles away.

Today a man on Agnostic.com accused me of being abelist because he's in a wheelchair (discrimination against people with disabilities, especially physical disabilities.)

He peppered me with messages. He urged me to go to Colorado to meet him.

"Shared recreational activities are a bonding experience for couples," I replied. "That's why I want a fit man who also loves hiking." That set him off.

He lives 2,000 miles away in Colorado. I'm not going to drive 2,000 miles to meet a man for coffee! Then it's 2,000 miles back home.

"I'm sorry, but we live too far apart to develop a relationship," I wrote. "Give it a rest."

Why not accept a woman's "No, thanks" with grace and kindness instead?

LiterateHiker 9 July 21
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43 comments

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8

It’s not the fact he’s in a wheelchair that is keeping him from finding a partner, I think it’s being unreasonable and wallowing in self -pity. If I travelled 2,000 miles for a coffee date I would be in Moscow or Helsinki!...and no, would not consider that a reasonable ask, regardless of whether a guy was able bodied or not!

7

Why would you drive? There's planes for distance dating. (Just sayin'.)

Why is this bothersome? We don't know anyone here. We're virtual strangers. If you don't like how he handled your decline, ignore him. Block him, whatever. That's the thing about the internet, it's the only place we're truly in charge of our surroundings.

No service lane at 30000 feet. 😁 (Some people don't like flying)

@SeaGreenEyez

As a tree-hugging liberal, it stings to be accused of discrimination. Respect for all people is important to me.

I'm supposed to drive to Colorado to prove I'm not discriminating against him? I think not.

Yes, I blocked him.

@LiterateHiker My point? Why would it be YOU doing the driving? If you don't demand chivalry and offer it in return, the relationship will be as one-sided as what you dealt with previously.

And I'm sorry. I don't understand how feelings can get hurt online. This stuff isn't real until it's offline AND real.

(PS: We all discriminate. You want someone fit, I require a fully functioning brain and a Harley. It isn't something to be ashamed of.)

@SeaGreenEyez

He continually pressured me to come to Fort Collins, Colorado to meet him for coffee.

@kodimerlyn You apparently didn't read what I said, choosing to add your own spin to the words. Did I say it was OK? Did I pull the apologetics card for him? Nooooooo, I certainly did not.

I clearly stated that if she didn't like how he treated the situation, ignore him, block him. What else can she do? Maybe you have some remedy we all aren't privy to when jackassery occurs in our inbox. Do you? Because in 19 years of this venue, I've not found a way to stop someone's creepiness, nastiness, foul nature, rudeness, batshit craziness, or even stalking other than? Blockie, blockie. It's just par for the course. Same as offline. Some people lack social skills. Weird, I know.

(PS: You don't know what I think. I didn't bother. But I'll fill you in. You can think this is real, I know it isn't. It is impersonal and people can be anything or anyone they wish to be until they are right there, in the same room, together. Then it gets real, real quick. That's when it becomes personal. Not that the conversations aren't personal. Not that the thoughts, ideas, maybe even feelings aren't real, but until there is in-person, interpersonal interactions, this is a facade. That's what I think.) 🙂

7

Why would anyone even suggest a 4000 mile round trip to meet for coffee? I'd do, maybe 7 miles, tops. I'm not sure I'd make a 4000 mile round trip for sex even if the coffee was included.

Guess it might depend on the brand/grind of the beans. 👌😎

What? U wouldnt drive a day and a half each way for sex thatll likely last less than 15 mins? Ur priorities r fucked. Lol

Strange as it may seem, there are probably women out there who would do this. Some men know this (the neanderthal-type), and think nothing of asking for the moon. In fairness, there are probably some women out there who would demand might demand this as well.

5

Being in a wheelchair is not a license to be a creep.

👆🏻 This, too.

But,,,,,if you have a cane,,,,,,,,?

5

That right there is a big ol' cup of NOPE.

I don't care who someone is, or what challenges they may have, "no" means "no".
I concur with those who have called for the offending asshole to be blocked.

5

That's pretty high on the creep factor for me. You dodged one there, now you just have to block him.

@PadraicM

After @motrubl4u and @carlosg903 suggested I block him, I did.

Thanks for seconding their advice.

5

2000 miles? Guilt you? Some people are too desperate and demanding (men and women) and that is a red flag for a future relationship. With that said, I think our taste or liking of a person is something absolutely personal and not even we can shape, it is like it is. Nobody is going to tell me that I have to accept someone because if not I am an abelist, a racist, prejudist or whatever. If I like this or that, there's only three people that can have a say on it, me, me and me...

4

I did that once, drove from Ohio to Oklahoma to meet a man in a wheelchair. He turned out to be very bitter about his situation and got very angry when I told him I lived in an upstairs apartment. It wasn't a complete waste of time. I had a nice drive with plenty of time to think.

@JamesUC always look on the bright side

4

On another site, I had a message from a man (who could be a smooth scammer) who lives in NYC. He is in his 30s. I told him his age and the distance are both problems and thanks, but no thanks. He wrote back saying age was no problem and we could arrange to meet. It irks me that he thought that I assumed age would be a problem for HIM, not me! It makes me regret being polite.

3

I won't give these control freaks a chance...it's an instant block with me.

3

Don't take any notice of him. He is just down right rude and using his disability to make you feel guilty. If he really wanted to meet you, they why did he not come 2000 miles.

@Jolanta

In a wheelchair, I assume he uses public transportation.

@LiterateHiker Maybe he doesn't I have a friend who also is in a wheelchair but he does have his own car and lives alone in his own house.

@LiterateHiker How about a flight?

@Merseyman1

Not interested.

3

I warned people about finger-pointing over politics, and getting political over social interactions. It’s a dead giveaway of a lack of brain cells.

It’s kind of comical that a person makes the “ableist” assumption over being told that they want someone to hike with. Maybe he wasn’t just physically disabled, but he was a moron also? I would have to venture so!

3

It is what it is. Ive been ignored or rejected by every woman ive shown interest in on here so far. And yea it sucks. And ive wondered what the problem is. Is it my looks, is it my approach, is it something ive put in my profile. But i accept it and move on. Ive never even considered being a douchebag about it. Its not like thats gonna help anything. I don't think any woman is gonna be like oh, i wasnt interested at 1st but now that uve been rude, disrespectful, cussed me out, and called me names ive reconsidered and would love to drive 2000 to meet u and stroke ur ego.

The sad thing is, like with the woman I met yesterday from Match, is that when they ghost you or just give you a vague, short, generic rejection note, like she did me, you have no data or info to use for learning what was wrong or how to improve anything for the next opportunity with someone new. Mindreading and/or continuing to fly blind on why you are being rejected will not help you change anything that might be improved.... Some people are capable of and interested in being honest and helpful, but most aren't....

@TomMcGiverin i get what ur saying but maybe its a bit of fear. Theyre prolly thinking oh hes gonna beg, or try to persuade. Or if i tell him hes gonna give the oh well ill change, or ridicule me for feeling the way i do. Like the guy mentioned in original post.

3

Hell of an expensive cup-o-coffee!
Were you supposed to push his wheelchair up a mountain hiking path?? 🤨

3
  • Doesn't like men with Hoverounds.... Check! 😉
3

I have been rejected countless times and each time, I have said "Okay. Thank you."

J75243 Level 6 July 21, 2019

This a me too moment for me. Too.

3

Very persistant,hoping you'll "Cave In"? If you knew him and he moved away,that's a different situation,but a total stranger? Sorry,flashing red lights and sirens are going off....

3

No Matter if a Person is Handicapped, Male, Female, Of any Race, my Assessment is Easy:
Pushed into a Meet or Doing Something that is not part of Your Life
----> Must Be a NOGO.
...the results in the near-term or long-term, is never good.
If that person, or anyone else, persists in sending you emails(or any other means of connection):
I would suggest you Block(or use whatever is available by the service you two are using) to ensure
one thing: Permanently Never Hear nor Get Anything From the Person.
Finally, for the Female Members:
Follow Your Intution 100%. If You Trust It 100%, It'll Never Do Your Injustuce.

2

You find 2,000 miles too far?! How disappointing! I was planning to invite you! 😛

2

You are "Sound"... you are in your "Time and Space". Don't let anyone Rock your Boat Sister Hiker!!!

2

Send him the money for coffee. Tell him to enjoy. Send me the money you would have spent.

2

You have got to be kidding me!
What part of no do people not understand? It doesn't matter if he (or she) is in a wheel chair, 2000 miles away, across the street or in the same bar. No, means no!

2

You have not discriminated against him in any way, shape, or form. However, my empathetic side says, "You know, she does post a lot of hiking pictures." Which is something that is in his face that he cannot do.

Rather than give you a hard time, he should have just blocked you. It's about managing his own feelings about being disabled, which it is apparent that he is not doing well. Kind of like a celebrity who refuses to read the news because they know anything negative effects them too much. It comes down to managing one's own world.

That does it. I'm blocking you. Don't ask why. I don't know either.

2

I think the person might just be desperate and tired of being rejected. 2,000 miles is a bit much to travel for a first meeting that will only involve an hour of coffee or whatever.

2

I've often wondered what it is about some people that have a hard time with a two-letter word 🤔. And then try and lay a guilt trip on you.😠

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