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I have a question regarding something I have noticed on some ads that I want to ask about out of curiosity and not judgement. I have noticed about a third of profiles of women who say that they are here to meet men &/or but when I look at the things listed that they enjoy, sex is not listed. I am wondering why someone looking for companionship would not list sex as something they enjoy. I can think of some circumstances why someone would not click on the 'sex' selection but I can't think of anything that would account for a full third. I see things like this as mutually exclusive.

By Wrytyr7
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19 comments

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0

It's just not their priority in a relationship though sex is still apart of it.

Partyhawk Level 7 July 6, 2018

It's a priority for me. But if I list it, all the creeps come out.

@tryingcake I agree with you there too

1

I was always afraid that listing sex would be wrongly interpreted that I was open to hookups.

Kojaksmom Level 8 July 5, 2018
0

I took that to mean enjoyed sex as a hobby, or more than a typical biological drive. I'd assume most enjoy sex and that the box was for some significance beyond that. Enjoying sex, IMO, is the default unless someone mentions being asexual or hypersexual in some way.

Zster Level 8 July 2, 2018
1

Interesting how almost all responses to this question are the same. I make a point of saying that I am affectionate, looking for my last first kiss, enjoy hand-holding, PDAs, etc. All of that is on my profile (not here, elsewhere) which I think pretty much indicates that a physical relationship is as important to me as the chemistry that will get us there eventually.

SeptemberWoman Level 5 June 26, 2018
0

It's a given? It's a much bigger deal for someone to say they DON'T enjoy sex, I think. And -- speaking as a woman in her 60s who has --unfortunately --reentered the dating scene in recent years: In my experience, if you list sex as something you enjoy, men ignore EVERYTHING ELSE you've written and zero right into that, like bad foreplay -- going right to the hot buttons without exploring the other terrain along the journey. smile001.gif

SeptemberWoman Level 5 June 26, 2018

Sadly many men, certainly too many men but not all men.

5

I'm guessing many of the women on this site tried online dating elsewhere before they came here. I wonder how many have felt objectified by some gym rat who saw their profile and propositioned them for a quick fuck behind the dumpster.
I think that a woman who has put up with all of the sexual immaturity flying around in the dating world (especially online), and still lists sex as one of her interests here, is a brave person and probably worthy of respect.

Jthurston2 Level 6 June 21, 2018
1

Given the number of creeps around I can to a certain extent understand not listing sex, love however is a slightly different matter and its exclusion I find hard to fathom. However returning to sex I have met women who thought themselves desirably sexy who, in coitus, were as exciting as cold sliced liver or fish and smelt worse.
May I suggest that those excluding sex from their attributes at least indicate that they can be passionate people and far removed from the proverbial dead wet fish.

FrayedBear Level 9 June 20, 2018

My passionate response is going to be in proportion to the chemistry I find between us. Not knowing you in person it is hard to guess whether I'd be that cold sliced liver or a hot tamale.

@HippieChick58 Agreed. I've edited my reply.

6

Well W, it probably has a lot to do with the fact that for centuries society has disparaged women who enjoy sex, as cheap whores and sluts. Some cultures still go as far as to genitally mutilate women so that they can't enjoy sex. Conversely men have had a history of entitlement, use and abuse of women's bodies, and many still haven't learned that they no longer have that 'right'. If women advertise that they enjoy sex, there are many who would interpret it as an open invitation to all and sundry and women's choices would be compromised. Most women expect to make their own decisions about sex within a unique relationship based on many factors, not just to have sex for physical relief.

Brunnion Level 7 June 20, 2018
6

I would agree with almost every poster here. I am reasonably sure that if I put sex as something I'm looking for someone is going to assume I'm cheap and easy, or available for FWB. I want sex in the context of a relationship. I'm hoping to have sex again one day, but I'm willing to wait for the whole package.

HippieChick58 Level 9 June 19, 2018

Can I ask you, then... as a man, when I list "sex" in the category of things that I enjoy, does that make you think of me as cheap and easy, or available for FWB? I mean, I think I also may have listed "bowling", but I don't just go out bowling with people I barely know...

What it boils down to, for me, is that I'm not looking for an instant sex relationship with anyone, and I don't assume that anyone else is. But I do feel that someone who lists that as an interest is being open just as I am, in the belief that it is part of a healthy relationship, and hoping to have something in the future.

@Paul4747 It is partly socialization, partly generational. I assume men are interested in sex, that's what I was told since I was a child. Were you ever told "Why should he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free"? To say that men are interested in sex is like saying you breathe air, it is the default value. If a woman says she in interested in sex there is a voice at the back of my head labeling her as "not a nice girl." I don't think I passed that on to my girls, but it was very ingrained in me. I remember my dad telling me if I got pregnant without being married he'd kick me out of the house. Girls got and still get horribly mixed messages about sex and sexuality. If we admit we like sex we're whores. If we refrain from mentioning then we're prudes or frigid. On one of the dating sites I was messaged by a guy who wanted a date, but he just wanted to sleep with me to get over a break up he had just gone through. What I wanted didn't matter. Funny thing, I'd go bowling with you on a first date. I don't know that I'd take you to my bed though. Does that make sense to you?

@HippieChick58
Okay, in retrospect, bowling was not my best example. Although, if I met someone who found me so attractive that she wanted to go "bowling" on the first date, well, if it there was an instant, mutual, emotional connection, then OK, just maybe. Although it's never happened before and I can't picture it happening now.

I know that I was socialized one way, and then I socialized myself a different way when I grew older. I was socialized by my parents to think that different "races" were different, and white was best. I was socialized that men are supposed to want sex more than women, and women are supposed to resist our bestial advances. In fact, women aren't supposed to want it at all. And that it was all Eve's fault, somehow or another.

But as I started thinking for myself, and reading books my folks had never heard of, I learned that people are people no matter what, and men and women largely want the same things, and there's nothing wrong with having a sex drive... in fact, it's how we evolved. It's a great thing. It's a gift. So I don't think of anyone as whores, or else men and women are whores equally- if that definition means wanting and enjoying a sex life.

@Paul4747 I understand. And trust me, I miss the physical intimacy. But if I put on my profile that I'm interested in sex, I'm going to get attention from men who read that as "easy". I will get dick pics. I will get men that only see the "sex" and don't see the rest of my wants and needs. You may not think of women as whores or saints, but you're an evolved man. Sadly for the baby boom generation you're unusual. True story: I bought a vibrator after I moved here, so in the last 54 years. I put the full color picture carton that it came in in my paper recycling, and the recycling went to the curb the night before trash pick up. The next morning the full picture carton was displayed prominently on a branch they picked up in my yard stuck in the trash can for all the world to see like a fricking flag. Who the fuck does that? I am not and was not embarrassed, I'm pissed that someone would be so childish. Yeah, I want to have a sex life again one day. Celibacy does have one effect that maybe some day a lucky man will get to experience.

8

Because when I put that I can still be highly sexual at 56, it brings me nothing but trouble. There's no way a woman can put that and not get bombarded by men who are just looking for sex and nothing else.... and in a creepy way.

tryingcake Level 7 June 19, 2018

Agreed.

4

It's not a given that women like sex. It is a fair question. I have several women friends in the 45 plus crowd who really have no interest in sex anymore. They are looking for a companion and sex is not on their list.

SaucyCheryl Level 8 June 19, 2018

I have sex ed clients like that and often their reasons are boredom, unhealthy relationships, sexual pain, changing hormones, and poor body image. These issues can usually be addressed thru sexual medicine, education, or therapy. But first there has to be motivation to change. It’s easy to give up, but there are health benefits to maintaining a good sex life.

@UUNJ
I wish I could have gotten my ex into one of your classes... everything you just wrote, I tried to tell her. But she didn't want to go to counseling, "she's not the kind of person who's comfortable talking about her feelings." That's what counseling is for, I told her...

Oh well. Water under the bridge.

@Paul4747 Yep. You tried. People are ready for help when problems cause sufficient pain.

@UUNJ I tried with my ex too and it didn't work. But then again he was a narcassist so what was I thinkin!

@SaucyCheryl There is nothing to be done for a narcissistic person. Congrats that he’s an ex

8

Women love sex, but most often need to establish first some chemistry, and have a secure mutually comfortable relationship which for women makes the sex part so much more fulfilling and pleasurable. They do not need to advertise casually that they like sex. That is no secret really.

Silverwhisper Level 7 June 19, 2018
6

Because meeting and getting to know someone comes first. If there's chemistry and things are moving in that direction, then it will get there.

bleurowz Level 8 June 19, 2018
4

I think the 7 comments (as I post this) here pretty well capture it. I assume everyone wants that from a partner. I wouldn't list it as a like because doing so is crass. It can be safely assumed; if you connect with someone you can figure out the details.

Mitch07102 Level 7 June 19, 2018
4

Perhaps it's because some woman have been brought up to believe sex is sin, a taboo subject or they are just not comfortable talking about it for whatever reason. Perhaps they feel that if they were to mention it in their profile, it may give the impression that they are promiscuous, easy or a nymphomaniac by admitting they enjoy it.

Hazydays Level 6 June 19, 2018
11

Maybe they want you to take the time and effort to know them first.

kenriley Level 8 June 19, 2018
5

I find it's not something I want to lead with. I'd rather connect and start a conversation about shared interests, wants, likes and hobbies, details about the person. I'd rather attract a man that is interested in my mind first, then sex comes later. smile009.gif

CaroleKay Level 8 June 19, 2018
14

Fair question. It can easily be misconstrued as seeking strictly recreational sex. I’m all for sexy fun and passion, but I prefer to express it within a relationship. Also, when I listed my job as a sexuality educator on other sites, men approached me for threesomes, etc. They assumed that because I mentioned it in my profile, I’d be open to anything.

UUNJ Level 8 June 19, 2018

Geeze. Some men make some big assumptions

@MrLizard Yes sir they do.

@CaroleKay I’m sure even I do. But try not to at least.

It's not just men, some people make big assumptions.

6

Because they're either not terribly interested in sex or don't feel its a very polite thing to advertise?

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