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I just left a relationship that has consumed me for almost two and a half years. I am sadly coming to the conclusion that he is a narcissist. I am still fighting accepting it. I am so messed up in the head right now. I have always been fearless in love - never afraid to throw myself into new possibilities. Now ... I don't know how I'm going to trust someone again.

I know that some of you have been with narcissists. How did you move forward? How did you make yourself lock them out when they tried to hoover you back in with their love bombs?

By FlippantLlama8
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26 comments

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14

Being with a narcissist is hell...In the beginning, you think you're with a loving person and with time it turns out that you're with a f...dementor which sucks the life out from you. Run away girl, run away as far as you can from such a man. I know that heart is aching but he's dead inside and he won't love you as he should.

Agnieszka Level 7 Feb 12, 2019

Good advice. Run like hell!

So so so so true! I stayed with mine for way too long! Almost 28 years ....

Wow so long. I was only two years but it was enough and I ended with a broken heart. I hope I will never meet someone similar.

@Agnieszka yeah, I know ... waaaaaayyyyy too long! It had been long over between us ....

11

Seriously - cut him out and do not let him contact you. Do as many fun things as you can, fill your time with self care. AND DO NOT SPEAK,TEXT ETC. with him! I learned this the hard way.

GreatNani Level 8 Feb 12, 2019
7

Absolute no contact! Block every avenue he has to you and you to him: phone, social media, etc. He can’t Hoover you if he can’t reach you. Turn all the energy you’ve had going to him onto yourself. Get super selfish about taking care of you.

I like “The Love Chat” on YouTube for healing advice. And Derrick Jaxn for general advice about men and what to look for.

brainyactress Level 7 Feb 12, 2019

Ty so much - that's very helpful!

@FlippantLlama I’m with you. Had a nasty break up about five weeks ago. But, I followed this advice and I’m already popping back into shape and not dwelling on it or him anymore. You’re the prize, not him. Remember that! ??✊???✊?

7

I don't think I've ever been with a narcissist. However, I've been with a mentally abusive drug addict. When I cut ties with him (our son was 3 months old), I never missed him. He treated me so badly that I can only remember a couple of times that he treated me nicely in the 5 years we were together.

It may not be that simple for you. However, time will help eventually. One day at a time. I sincerely hope you find someone who can treat you the way your deserve to be treated.

Cabsmom Level 7 Feb 12, 2019
6

I was married to a narcissist for 20 years. The gaslighting and lying, and the manipulation is very difficult to live with. The good news is, you left him, you are strong, you are powerful, you will survive.
How did you move forward?

This seems impossible now, but you will get through this. I recommend a therapist, research the counselors, ask questions such as which type of therapy do they use? Its important they have experience with trauma and the effects of personality disorders on relationships. Reach out to supportive people, it is common to feel shame, that you should have known better, that people will judge you.... remind yourself every day that this isn't your fault (they are professional at deceiving people and have had years to practice), that you couldn't have foreseen this, and you are NOT repsonsible for his behavior. Remind yourself that you are strong enough to walk away.

How did you make yourself lock them out when they tried to hoover you back in with their love bombs?

This is very hard, they will try to get you back, and they will punish you for leaving. They will make you look like the bad person, that you are 'crazy' that you are difficult, etc. You must also walk away from any people who support him and believe his lies, otherwise he will continue to punish you through these other people who buy into his manipulation.

This is the most important thing: Your trust is not in him, it is in yourself. You trust yourself to be strong enough to walk away, you trust yourself to insist on being treated with respect, trust yourself to be emotionally strong enough to not need him for your self esteem, your financial support, or your social respect.

K8TE Level 5 Feb 12, 2019

Mhmmm! Yep!

6

Sorry to hear of your bad experience. Learn to be happy with yourself. heal from the experience before you push yourself into finding another relationship. Be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself, get your finances in order and explore and do things that you find rewarding. When the time comes to perhaps meet someone else you'll know.

Kojaksmom Level 8 Feb 12, 2019
5

I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through that. These types of people can drain the life and energy out of you. They want and need your attention while giving you very little in return. You're the one who is committed to the relationship while they're committed to taking from you. Parasites. Urgh. I've been there. It's not fun at all. Like others have said, put time into you. That might feel weird initially because you've just been giving all this time, but rediscover yourself. It's worth it. Hugs

Mofferatu Level 7 Feb 12, 2019
4

It is very difficult to trust again. It took seven years the first time. I do not know if I am there yet this time, or if I ever will be. The lesson to learn, though, is to recognize a narcissist quickly, so as not to start with them.

MissKathleen Level 9 Feb 12, 2019
4

Oh no.... I'm so sorry to hear that.... I still love you though smile015.gif

Cutiebeauty Level 9 Feb 12, 2019
3

I was in love with and married to one for 16 years. I stayed after 3 different revelations about a total of 13 women he had fucked. When his activities threatened the safety of my children I divorced him. He fought it with every thing he could think of. He continued to "touch" me literally & figuratively every chance he got. I couldnt be near him. I agonized before my children's events where he would be. 20 years later I awoke one morning knowing that was all over because I suddenly knew I WOULD NEVER BELIEVE HIM AGAIN. It wasn't him I was afraid of, it was me - I was afraid I would fall for/believe his lies again. "When people show you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou

Louiseann Level 6 Feb 13, 2019

Well written! Thank you.

3

I'm so sorry to hear this. Trust never comes easy. In time you will learn how to trust again, and with that love too will be possible.

Nukdookum Level 8 Feb 12, 2019
3

It wasn't that difficult. When someone says they are the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm out. How could they possibly make that judgment? I also figured it out a lot faster than two years. That made it less difficult. No contact, period, is the only way.

Sticks48 Level 9 Feb 12, 2019
3

Have not shared your experience. I suggest you learn to love, honor and cherish yourself. Trite though it may sound, love starts with self-love. If you have it, no one can bring you down. Move on from him.

Mitch07102 Level 7 Feb 12, 2019
2

Attachment is a hard one to shake . Just stay present as much as possible, it gets easier.

Outsideit67 Level 6 Feb 13, 2019
2

Lots of good advice here. But if he is trying to stay in your life....move! I eventually had to move from a man in my 30s but it all worked out well for me. Best of luck to you.

sapiofile Level 5 Feb 12, 2019

I did too and it was the best thing i ever did.

2

I am so sorry that you are going through this. The worst part is deciding to stop the relationship. For me, the key was cutting off all communication. It took almost a year before the attempts to contact me stopped. I am sure your experience will be unique to your sitiation, but I know that completely cutting all contact was the only way for me to be free again. I wish the best for you on this difficult journey. You can pm me if you need support.

NoMyGod Level 5 Feb 12, 2019
2

Ken Keyes jr....now deceased....had some great words of wisdom. He wrote several books on relationships.

The gist of what he said that's helped me the most?
"Hold on tightly - let go lightly"

also; go from Love to Hate to Indifference as smoothly and efficiently as possible.

Don't talk about him/her. Take their name and number out of your phone/contacts. Send back "memoirs" or give them away. The sooner you forget his name/number/birthday, the sooner you'll move to "indifference" and not care if you "see him/her with someone else".

Search "Ken Keyes Jr. books on relationships".

Robecology Level 8 Feb 12, 2019
2

My ex gf was married to a narcissist.. she still has issues..
Make new friends, see a therapist, learn to love yourself.. the more you learn to accept and love yourself, the harder it is for them to manipulate you.

hippydog Level 8 Feb 12, 2019

Oh.. as to trusting someone.. the right guy will understand and be patient.

2

One of the things that was so damaging about surviving a narcissistic relationship for me is that it caused me to lose trust in myself. After all, wasn't it my ability to love, be giving, and be vulnerable that made me a "sucker" to their manipulations? I think one of the key things in the healing process for me was to honor my own nature as a kind and loving person, and not to attack myself for being able to love as much as I do - to affirm that loving is a good and right thing. What I came away with was a greater ability to detect when someone is not capable of loving in return. In time, I was able to see that as a gift they gave me, and it was a valuable lesson to have learned, even thought the "cost of tuition" was very, very steep. The pendulum of fear swung towards mistrust of everyone for a while, but that calmed in time, and I was able to open up again.

As far as love bombs, what's complicated is that even narcissists are not demons. They didn't ask to be incapable of love. Of course, their deep (though unowned) need and vulnerability is part of what drew me into them in the first place. So that's the danger: seeing their deep pain and need and wanting to go back and nurture them back to health (not to mention wanting to "cash" all the "checks" they write to you, even though their "account" is empty). The thing I had to keep remembering is that everyone has a responsibility, fair or not, to do whatever work on themselves it takes so that they are truly able to give back from a place of abundance. It's not up to me to heal them to that point, and it's not my fault that they don't have it in the first place. In adult relationships, there's a certain baseline we can expect from one another.

Hope this helps. Sending hugs and love.

ejbman Level 7 Feb 12, 2019

Thank you, very much. It does help. And I appreciate that you mentioned that they aren't all bad. That's what makes it so hard ... he's not a monster. He does love... he's just not capable of loving fully.

Also, I know that I need to work on me, because this isn't the first relationship I've gotten into with an underdog ... a project. It just feels overwhelming dealing with that, and this break-up/relationship, at the same time.

@FlippantLlama Look at you with all that insight! You're going to be OK smile001.gif Best wishes for surviving the initial pain of detachment, and the challenges that will try to pull you back. But I can tell you got this. As far as "work on you", I may be biased, but I think it's ok to go to a therapist just for support for a while too, if that's an option. Find one that will just give you love and affirmation for a while, and then smoothly add in the challenge when it's time. If that's not an option, consider attending a relationship support group if you need support. Be good to you!

Meanwhile, I'm sending even MORE hugs smile001.gif

2

If it is the case where you are able to cut communication I advise that. Having two children with my narc ex-wife prohibits such glorious options.

I advise a journal. And this may be a painful process fyi. It was not easy for me to do, that is for certain. When you feel you can, try to revisit the entire relationship. The good, bad, joyful and hideous. Also, a professional counselor was required in my case. Seek to understand the process of over affection followed by tear downs followed by blaming only to express love despite your failings...ect.

The pain for me, was and is always seeing the good in others. Even when it isn't there. Many a sleepless night wondering how things went the way they did have left me reeling in a swirl of contradictory thoughts.

At the end of the day I can only be responsible for myself. And as long as I continue finding the joy of a great cup of coffee, a nice piece of music, the way the sun crests a hill or pierces the clouds its all good. Appreciation is what I was missing out on, and so I treasure the mini-moments of happiness when and where I find them.

Hang in there, it will get easier!

Phayon Level 5 Feb 12, 2019
1

I was married to one for twenty years. I actually had to plan my escape. It was very difficult. The divorce was horrible. A complete brake is what you need. They will move on and find someone else to torture. Trust yourself. This person probably brought you to the point where you doubted your own perception of reality. You are smart to get out now. Believe me.

crazylegs Level 1 Feb 18, 2019
1

Hard, complete NO CONTACT. it is the only way to break free. Then look at yourself and find out why you let a narc into your life. It is about us and our co-dependency issues.
[psychologytoday.com]

Great website to gain perspective on you.
[blog.melanietoniaevans.com]

SaucyCheryl Level 8 Feb 16, 2019
1

Man oh man! Tell me about it! It’s a hard one to navigate, the aftermath of a Narcissist. I’m dealing with it right now, ending a 34 year Marriage is almost harder than the recovery from being with a narcissist for that long. Every day I at least once think “If I only did this or that would we be here” it’s hard to imagine being without her in my life, but I need to be me and worry only about me.

sbboudreau61 Level 5 Feb 13, 2019

I was raised by a narc mother and went right into a 30 yr narc marriage. I am 5 years free. I completely feel your pain. Invest in yourself and figure out why you stayed so you don't fall prey to another one.

1

It takes time. Lots of time to learn trust again. It helps if that person dies (only sort of joking - my late husband was like this)

moonmaid Level 8 Feb 12, 2019
0

Find someone who thinks more about you.we are out there just usually ignored bad boys always win

bobwjr Level 8 Feb 12, 2019
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