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Things you ask oneself/one's partner before getting married. Looking for ideas.

My partner and i have been together almost 4 years. We are ultra-super compatible in most categories (1yr age diff, same life goals, entertainment choices, politics, values, etc...). Its the longest relationship I've ever been in, would be 1st marriage for both of us. We already feel like a married couple in many ways. Are there other factors to consider?

TelefunkenU37 6 Mar 3
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17 comments

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0

Good run so far. I married to start a family two boys in, so far so committed.

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Thankyou everyone for the feedback. 1)We plan to remain childless. 2)We have no religious affiliations. 3) sharing taxes and health insurance are strong incentives.

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Best advice i heard was do a prenup..
Yes i know "we are in love .. forever we don't need one"..
Thing is .. if you are truly compatible a prenup will not be a problem ..

hippydog Level 8 Mar 3, 2019
0

Miss Kathleen is also wrong below....55% of marriages have failed but 60% of people are still married ....Multiple marriage numbers are high because the same people marry and divorce 3 or more times in their lives and that reflects upon their defects of character not the honorable joy of making a home together that lasts

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Bad advice from the fools below ....mixed messages are not wise....in 13 states COMMON LAW MARRIAGE exists by 3 actions: cohabitation is obvious but needs the next 2 actions to be lawful: HOLDING OUT means telling consistently to all people you know that you are in fact married by your words spoken together....and PUBLIC DECLARATION means you sign contracts as married spouses....those 13 states save you the trouble of a marriage license and costs of a wedding with an officiant signing your costly marriage license....obviously you don't want clergy or use a "church" "synagogue" or "mosque" to force their tradition upon you two love birds....be happy and just plan your lives as you already have seeking answers that satisfy your values not others or institutions....an informal wedding is a great party to invite friends families and co-workers too....filing joint or separate tax returns is always your annual choice

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I think marriage is an unnecessary, antiquated custom. Whether you do or not, you should contractually define the financial aspects of the relationship, and if you plan to have children, how custody and responsibility will be shared. Three out of four marriages fail. Long-term relationships fail. Best to unemotionally define, in advance, what happens if they do.

@zstrastwa Not pessimistic, realistic.

@misskathleen Every state is very different. Living together can be very dicey on the legal front particularly if you breed. Say for instance two people choose to live together. Two years later one spouse dies. In many states the custody of that child might go to the closest relative. A long drawn-out expensive legal battle may be necessary. If they were married the legal custody will automatically go to the spouse, and all property and belongings would also go immediately to the spouse. Even I as a single woman have not yet updated my will. It's very unlikely that cohabitating couples will be able to plan each and every single action that's required on the legal front without a very expensive lawyer.

@Kojaksmom I assure you, divorce is a great deal more expensive than contracturally deciding these things in advance. (And even if there is a marriage, they should be contracturally decided in advance.) I suspect that if the father’s name is on the birth certificate of chikdren, it is unlikely that a child would be placed with anyone else.

@MissKathleen usually that is true. However, they are still open to legal battles if the cohabitation was below legal limits to what constitutes a common law marriage.

@Kojaksmom I believe there are very few courts, if any, who would remove custody of children from a father who lived with them and helped raise them.

@MissKathleen I'm not sure if it's true in all states, but if you are a male , are unwed legal steps must be taken for you to have rights over the child. Custody is only always awarded to the surviving spouse if they are married.

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How do you react in stressful situation

bobwjr Level 9 Mar 3, 2019
3

Yes get pre-marital counseling from an Atheist not a clergy based therapist....formalize your dialogue with a 3rd party.....issues to discuss are community property declared and pre-nuptial agreement upon what valuables do not belong to the future marriage... issues like any previous separations from domestic partners.....get a lawyer to review all your current shared contracts....in 37 states a marriage license is required and some of those may require blood tests....medical history of STDs....fertility status and what to do if pregnancy happens is a choice only she can make but you will have deep feelings regardless of her decisions then or now....talking about legal rights and responsibilities....living wills, life insurance next of kin current and future...estate executors. ...renter or home owner....issues ignored today can be explosive years or decades away .....failing to plan is planning to fail....trust assumed is easily misunderstood trust negotiated is a pattern you 2 already have worked on.... best wishes to both of you take it slow and steady and build upon your already happy home

In the beginning of a relationship all those things seems like nonsense. taking into consideration the majority of marriages end up in divorce, you will be faced with all of the things you mentioned at one point in time or another! No time like the present!

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Determine ahead of time how you are going to resolve conflicts peacefully.

Taladad Level 8 Mar 3, 2019
3

Ask yourself what makes you feel loved. If one person feels loved by physical touch and sex, and the other partner believes communication and performing small acts to ensure their partners safety and comfort you're in for a rough ride.

Kojaksmom Level 8 Mar 3, 2019

True, unless you learn to speak your partner's love language proficiently.

@Wildflower that's true! otherwise it becomes which came first the chicken or the egg. Man does not communicate because woman does not want sex/ woman does not want sex because man can't communicate.

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Don't get married if you asked.

zesty Level 7 Mar 3, 2019
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Sex!

zesty Level 7 Mar 3, 2019
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Write down stuff.

Make lists.

What I like, what I don't. like. What you like. What you don't like.

Or make a list of features in one column. Make a score 1 to 10 (can't do without vs Would really prefer doing without) for both of you.

2

Any theological differences, sexual compatibility, other family dynamics, similar financial habits.. debt?
I wish you an amazing life together, marriage can be beautiful.

4

Why marry?

BeeHappy Level 9 Mar 3, 2019
4

Be pragmatic. Life is not a fairy tale. Some people think it is until life starts showing that it is not. Hope and work towards the best but avoid illusions.

A friend of mine who had a good relationship with his girlfriend for 5 years said that "marriage changed everything. We started taking us and things for granted." Marriage is a piece of paper with make-believe vows but you have something more beautiful together already which is a sound relationship. If you must marry, please do a prenuptial to keep money out of the relationship which is the root of evil for most.

Having a family is very beautiful thing. Children issues have to be faced in separation whether you are or not married. Know that father and mother often try to use children as a leverage in separation. It is just a fact.

With that said, I wish you the very best. You have already achieved a good and time-tested relationship.

St-Sinner Level 8 Mar 3, 2019

Really excellent advice.....relationships are easy in the beginning years - when everything is "new" and "fun" and the sex is hot and you can't imagine any of that will change over time. But trust me - it does. And that's not to say that all the changes you will experience are negative ones - life is all about growing - sometimes two people will grow closer over time .....and some find themselves growing apart every so slowly. There are no guarantees.....we all just put ourselves out there and hope for the best possible outcome.

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both want kids?

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