Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?

@DistilledMoon .....Absolutely. For whatever reason - a part of them is simply "closed off" and that enables them to simply hold people at arm's length. I suspect they don't take responsibility because they are not even aware of what's actually going on....

Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?

@whispers thank you, and I hope the "line expanding" is perceived as a good thing. A better wording would have be shrinking. The larger the line, the more it gets crossed, lol. See, mistakes.

@DistilledMoon honestly, yes. But it isn't specific to men. I think everyone has used some kind of excuse for avoiding responsibility. Typically, from what I have seen, emotionally unavailable individuals tend to project that on their partners and then exit stage left. Even if the "relationship" is over they may continue being with them without actually being with them...if that makes sence.

@Phayon It makes a lot of sense. The woman I mentioned earlier keeps asking her sister about me... after a year. Yet she won't call me directly. I don't understand.

At the worst I was thinking these as well.

Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?

@DistilledMoon yup some egocentric men may while many would want to break down the barriers to help them get in touch with their feelings and maybe be a good partner again with someone

Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?

I know that you're right, but I always have a problem with people saying that. I do not believe that sex, which may lead to bringing another person into the world, emotional , mental , and physical ramifications is a sport. Like it or not, there's a tremendous amount of responsibility with having a sexual encounter with another human being. I have yet to meet a counselor or psychiatrist that would agree that having sexual relations with large numbers of people is completely normal and healthy and can never have any negative consequences. No amount of open discussion and openness upfront can completely cover all of the human emotions and problems that may be around the pike.

@DistilledMoon I think there’s times in our lives when that’s are we want or need. You can have responsible sex. In college I was a full time student and also worked full time, the last thing thing I needed was a relationship. If I wanted to hook up with a “friend” I did. No drama.

@Kojaksmom what about infertile people? People that can no longer have kids (seniors), or people that use multiple forms of birth control and luckily never get pregnant? How do you feel about them having casual sex?

@demifeministgal it's not just a breeding thing, but it is the idea that you could only be responsible emotionally for yourself, and sometimes even that is questionable. People have a zero chance of controlling how others might / can deal with casual sex. The human animal is an unpredictable one, and we do not have the ability to see into the future. Sex as a recreational sport is often used to replace true intimacy.

@Kojaksmom okay. But it is the responsibility of the other party to be aware of their needs and what they want. It is not the responsibility of the person being honest and upfront about their casual hooking up nature to do the introspection on behalf of their partner. All we have control over is ourselves as you said. And if one is not sure how they will react to or handle casual sex, they should promptly avoid or exit the hookup world. That's my opinion as someone not personally into casual sex.

Yeah I was thinking that being their friend would be impossible too..... because you’d have to care even a little about that other person and that involves feelings...

Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?

Nailed it i think

@DistilledMoon some men, sure. I personally try to do whatever is going to make my woman happy. (Happy wife, happy life.)

Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?

@DistilledMoon I don't think it's gender specific or biased if that answers your question.. We can all be equal opportunity emotionally unavailable depending on wants. needs and disposition of character. haha

Recognizing that you have a problem , is the first step in correcting it . When I was going through my divorce , I bought a small notebook , and began putting in comments that I liked . Amoung the first , was a quote from a woman , teacher running for President of the US . Her coment : You need to learn to love your self , before you can love anyone else .Hugs , Hon and best of luck !

@Cast1es thanks to further complicate matters I'm also a widow. Sometimes I feel like I'm still not over my late husband. I have a lot of conflicted feelings about our marriage and his death.

See though your explanation is more understood and explained than just saying your “emotionally unavailable”.... I like you working on you, that is the best reason to be unavailable! I’m trying to do that!

Good luck on your journey !I feel people who are widowed or divorced have spent many years being defined as being a husband / wife. When all the labels that you've been living under no longer apply, you really have to Define who you are as an individual. Until you really know and love yourself you probably are not going to be able to make anyone else happy or even understand what makes you happy.

You seem to be well aware of your emotional situation and dealing with it rationally, if that makes sense.

Well in your interpretation that’s been mostly me in my marriage after the abuse began. But it sure is more obvious that way right? You can just tell the distance between you and the other person by those actions of “just going through the motions”

@DistilledMoon it's horrible really. And you hope the next day it will be better. Oh he's probably in a bad mood. Or, he's been working very hard, or any of a million excuses.

That’s the closest reply that I’ve received so far to my current dating situation only the guy said it to me and He is almost blaming me for wanting to trust him I don’t know it’s weird .... and yet he is looking for long term relationship on a dating site. Wtf?

@DistilledMoon Blaming is a big red flag. I don’t get upset with my guy for wanting more. I listen and understand and decide to move forward (or not). Blaming is childish and is a form of gaslighting. If he’s not giving you what you want and is unwilling to understand or discuss, he sounds like bad news.

@brainyactress he’s willing to discuss but it’s unmovable. He wants to still be friends. I’m like.... why? You still have to care about other person.

@DistilledMoon When people show you who they are, believe them. ‍

@DistilledMoon it's not healthy to pretend our feelings are to be set aside yet become involved in any way....dates agreeing to sterilize the moment is not honest....agreement to tell each other lies is sick

@brainyactress I agree.

That was my first guttural reaction to hearing that actually. But I’ve heard it more often than not from my friends trying to date and my own attempts at dating and it’s like..... then why are you messaging me? We aren’t on THAT dating site.... sigh.

I disagree. Men may be in that place, but women rarely are there.

@MojoDave Yes, right, I was referring to men.

When my self and my friends are trying to date other people that may or may not have children that’s where the difference in meaning comes to mind a father who has a 10-year-old daughter for example may not be emotionally available in all fairness because he’s only emotionally available to take care of his daughter right now . Totally fair . There is also a difference say when it’s my soon to be ex-husband saying that he’s emotionally unavailable and that we should still be married for the sake of the children but then he goes and commits domestic violence yeah I’d say that’s not taking responsibility for not wanting to take on the responsibility of being an adult and sharing your feelings with your significant other OR actually changing what doesn’t work and fixing yourself for the sake of the relationship.

It’s a friggin complex statement.

That literally explains a lot as to why I SHOULD be emotionally unavailable...I experienced neglect. A lot of it.

@DistilledMoon In the first of her 2 marriages, she had been verbally abusive to her husband. In the 2nd I believe she was the victim of verbal/ emotional abuse. It took several very frustrating years of occasional contact with her to learn even this much of the backstory. Several times when I felt close to 'breaking thru' to her emotionally it ended in an argument. Looking back, I suspect she sabotaged the situation. At the time we were in our mid 60s. I didn't see any future in that relationship.

@DistilledMoon A couple of resources that helped me: The 5 love Languages [dropbox.com]
Also go to Google and look up terms like 'dysfunctional family survivors' or similar. Lots of good info.