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What does everybody here think about the importance of chemistry to a relationship ? Recently I had a date with a lady which went pretty well and we seemed had a lot of laughs. The next day she told me she didn't want to see me again because she didn't feel the spark that she needs to feel. I realised when thinking about it that I didn't feel that spark either. We seemed to get on fine in every other way, and I didn't find her unattractive but I didn't feel like I wanted to jump straight into bed with her either. I would have gone on another date or two to see how we got on, and maybe the spark would come, but she had obviously decided she wasn't going to waste her time with anyone that didn't turn her on immediately. What would you all have done?

Riverman 4 June 8
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@Riverman, I have arrived at a dating classification system. If a person is interviewing candidates for potential spouse/significant other roles, I can understand the desire to "score" the date/candidate. I do not agree with it, but I understand it. The downside to this approach, IMO, eliminates the chance to develop chemistry. Now, with all of these dating apps (I have never signed up for or used one) I believe that you specify what you are looking for. That approach assumes that a subscriber already knows what characteristics you are looking for, BUT that is not a substitute for connection.

I have had some really good connections with women that I do not share religious belief, background, race or activity or interests with, but we had exceptional chemistry and passion. I would not have had the chance to experience that if I had gone shopping for the lady (now there was absolutely a physical attraction which is how we connected).

If there is a predetermined outcome (spouse/partner) instead of enjoying the moment and person, it makes it kind of tough to just say "WTF, let's see what happens!"

The other road, is let's just hangout and see how things go. No pressure, but somebody is paying the tab, so I can both sides too. Dating is horrible, IMO and a roller coaster. You did not do anything wrong, sounds like she wanted to move her process along faster.


For myself this would not be an issue I encounter since I never feel the urge to jump straight into bed with anyone. I need to develop a bond or connection and feel trust or at least safe first. So, for me it is more about the person's attractiveness/handsomeness. After making an exception for a guy I didn't even find attractive in person (his professional pics made him look waaay better) and him turning out to be a narc, I don't even think I will give an ugly guy a chance anymore. 😟

@Doraz Those were my thoughts as well. But then I got burned. And now, I don't want to get burned again. 😟


I personally wouldn't have a second date if the first impression is obviously not a good fit. But, years and years ago when I was active on online dating, I made a few really good friends and also met my partner and stayed together for 14 years. Now I'm single again and haven't joined any online dating sites.. it would be awesome to meet someone out and about. So... I think it's a mixed bag based on past experience.

Vayton Level 4 June 10, 2019

I guess that depends upon what you mean by chemistry. There are some people that I meet and they spark an immediate and powerful desire to be with them. Sometimes that desire comes in the form of sexual desire and other times I just want to kneel at their feet and offer them my services for however long they would have me. These encounters are typically short lived and have never gone anywhere beyond a wonderful lascivious weekend. I recognize this as lust and accept it for what it is.

What I refer to as chemistry is when you meet someone and it just feels "right". They smell delightful, are pleasantly attractive, and when you talk to them it's as comfortable as an old friendship, you feel like you've known them for years and just being in their presence makes you feel at peace. In these cases the desire is more to wrap my arms around them to comfort and take care of them than it is about sexual satisfaction. This chemistry is the most amazing thing I have ever felt and when it happens to me, I can't ignore it. This type of bond can develop over time but I have found that if I don't feel anything after three dates, it's not likely to develop at all. I never make a negative decision after one date, sometimes people have bad days. I try to give chemistry a third chance unless there are other red flags along with the lack of a "spark".

Nukdookum Level 8 June 10, 2019

I'm not going to lie, it would have stun a bit. Rejection always does. But I would have respected her wishes, and in the end I would have been thankful. She just saved me a bunch of time. While I do believe chemistry is important, someone that can make that determination that quickly isn't for me.


For me, the chemistry is always obvious by the first hug. If it work, it works. If it doesn't work, that means anything long-term is almost always doomed. I don't really like that about myself and, on a couple of occasions, I tried to fight it. Didn't work.

mischl Level 8 June 9, 2019

To me, chemistry is a statement about sexuality. What she was saying is she does not find you sexually attractive. A very shallow person would draw that conclusion initially and not give the relationship time to develop.

Kojaksmom Level 8 June 9, 2019

Good question . Had a coffee meet , not long ago . We talked easily and laughed a lot . It was fun . I thought things had gone pretty well , for a first meet . Afterwards , he escorted me to my vehicle , we shared a small hug and a peck on the cheek type of kiss . Then he asked if he could put his tongue in my mouth . Since the discussion had not covered anything along the lines of STDs , HIV. etc. I declined . Last I ever heard from him .

Cast1es Level 9 June 8, 2019

That guy sounds kind of creepy if you ask me. It's obvious that he was just looking for a piece of ass.

He ASKED? Geez, I've always found the kiss itself answers that question.


Chemistry or "spark" is important...but too often it's something subtle - even subconscious - that triggers - or doesn't trigger - this spark. That's why several dates and "taking it slowly" is important. Habits - good and bad - need to come out. The tolerance for habits needs to be tested. This takes time to make a relationship work.

Robecology Level 9 June 8, 2019

There definitely needs to be chemistry but I don’t always think it happens right away. Sometimes it takes a couple dates. I get frustrated when a guy won’t give it a couple 2 or 3 dates. Actually I don’t get frustrated, I assume my was repulsed by my looks or weight or something

Marcie1974 Level 8 June 8, 2019

Showing desire is a sparkle in the eye ....if a date is agreed to by phone and both don't sparkle away at each other's not love at 1st sight all you want screw all you want play miniature golf or see romantic movies together ALL YOU WANT....but that first meeting can be remembered and praised for good intentions/negotiating or dismissed for failed expectation with zero aware or subconscious feelings....I cannot answer what I would've done because I never heard her voice nor read a single word of hers


It would seem chemistry for me means something different at 58 than it did at 18 as a virgin or 28 as someone looking for longer term or 38 as someone looking for a mother to children. Etc. The chemical equation today doesn’t require such a volatile reaction in the lab. So to speak. Just required a deeper level of understanding

Not sure that’s as clear as it could be but chemistry was never my strong point... apparently.

Davekp Level 8 June 8, 2019

I don't think one date is enough. If I like someone and find them interesting, I'll definitely want to see them again. At the very least I could see a real nice friendship starting, and who doesn't need friends. And a great relationship can blossom from a solid friendship.

bleurowz Level 8 June 8, 2019

Provisional incremental dating is hardly a test of "chemistry"....friends are friends fine enough....I only date for lasting love FOREVER FRIENDS someone to come home to trusting my life and fortune with... as long as both lovers are nice together SO BE IT....verbal jousting or physical dominance is not good passively or aggressively....if all that defines personality....2 lovers should cherish the unavoidable bonding rather than give it a half hearted post mortem


The "like" option is not working in this post and comments ATM. I think it's admirable that you were willing to go out on another date or two. Initial chemistry/sparks can be deceptive. My mom and step-dad have been happily married for 47 years. Mom told me that she didn't feel chemistry when she first met my stepdad. Neither one knew each other at all on their first date with exception to minor details. In time, as they got to know each other, the sparks started flying and they fell in love and have remained that way.

What would I have done? Unless the guy gave off red flags, I would have gone out again, especially if things went pretty well and there were lots of laughs. Establishing a friendship, first, is a priority for me, and that is likely not going to be achieved on one date. Studies show a close friendship is linked with both sexually and emotionally satisfying long-lasting relationships.


Chemistry is very important ,but sometimes hard to click in ,first time out as everyone is usually a bit guarded and for some they do not want to let there guaed down until they eel more relaxed ,,a few dates is necesary beore you actually start to see the real person before one makes any mental decision

RoyMillar Level 9 June 8, 2019

It is everything for me. Most of the time it has been almost instant, but a couple of times it has taken a little longer with someone who might be a little shy and not quite as relaxed in the early going.

Sticks48 Level 9 June 8, 2019

Chemistry is necessary for a long relationship

bobwjr Level 9 June 8, 2019

You can't do anything about her choices but you are correct Sparks are not always instantaneous. It took 5 months three or four times a week of goodbye hugs before I felt the spark last time. Fortunately he felt it earlier than that or he wouldn't have stuck around that long. I have no idea how long it took him though.

Lorajay Level 8 June 8, 2019

Love is trustworthy no matter how long it takes to be mutually admitted and celebrated


I don't think chemistry will necessarily happen on the first date. If there is grounds for a solid friendship I'd follow up on that. Love can develop, or I hope so. I'd have been in your mindset, lets follow this and see where it goes.

Thanks, that was my initial thinking. But St Sinner has given me another perspective which I will be following up on too.


We pass through life by meeting different people. Life is too short to expect many things in one person. It is just not naturally possible. That is why non-monogamy works better. Life is like walking through a garden with a variety beautiful flowers, ordinary flowers, some with thorns and also with bad fruits. Everybody has a choice of picking and choosing if we shed our taboos.

St-Sinner Level 9 June 8, 2019

Thanks mate, good advice. I have always been a serial monogamist, not by choice. But now I can choose not to be.

I would think , non-monogamy , would be like walking thought the garden harvesting the fruits , others have planted , fertilized , watered , weeded , shaded , as necessary , and protected from sudden freezes , but not sticking around to do any of the work necessary to help the garden actually arrive at the harvest point .

@Cast1es Everyone has a different garden. He will not maintain your garden, not will you do his.

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