I surely hate to see families break up because DNA tests reveal that mama had an indiscretion years ago. But my anecdotal observation is that women screw around as much as men. And they should have that right. But women seem to be able to keep their secrets better than men. Or, who knows, maybe men like to brag more. Not sure about that.
I point to monogamous marriage as being a problem. So many giddy young newlyweds can't imagine they will ever want to have some variety. But somewhere down the line, way more than half of them feel the need to take a little time away from the same old same old.
Solution? The real underlying problem seems to be jealousy and possessiveness. You just cannot own another person. Each of us needs to grapple with our own need to have another person absolutely 100% "faithful." Sadly, most of us in today's western societies can't do that. We struggle to be "open" about that. Personally, I confronted the jealousy demon in myself several decades ago when my wife at the time had an affair. It was a tough few months, but it ran its course and both of us learned a lot from the experience. Over a year later, I got swept up in a torrid affair myself that lasted all of two weeks. Then later, we laughed about it.
At this point in my life, my definition of "faithful" is total honesty. There's only one person in the world right now with whom I can be totally honest. She and I can tell each other anything. We know secrets about each other that nobody else on the planet knows. WE have a truly amazing depth of intimacy.
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I’m separated from my wife and the desire is strong. But I know that seeing other people (even if we gave each other permission) would not answer anything.
Like an edging masturbation, it would probably feels great for the time, but hollow as soon as it’s done.
My little man want sexual activity, then I need to process with my heart, at this point my wife comes to my mind. And then finally I think logically. I don’t want to hurt her and in the end she’s the one I love.
She feels the same. So even though we are in an open relationship, we never have done anything with anyone else during our time together.
My personal opinion is that is you can’t stay faithful in your relationship, you are not ready to have a relationship and by that I mean building a future together.
TwelveToneTech
Level 3
Apr 13, 2020
1
I hear you, and I understand. Truly, we are all wired up differently. I'm amazed at the never-ending variety of ways that people meet and mate, and the unpredictable ways they find happiness (or not) with each other. One thing I've notice is the very definition of "faithful" that I've seen. In some cases, it means "I won't fuck anybody else." But in some cases it has a much more complex meaning. One example is, "I will be honest with you, I won't keep secrets from you, you are my partner for life, and I want to always live with you."
Considering that divorce rates have declined and that boomer have the largest divorce rates, while millenials have the lowest divorce or marriage rates, I would say it is the old(er) giddy newly weds that cannot make things last. XD
demifeministgal
Level 8
Apr 4, 2020
1
There are a lot of statistics about this subject!!!
It is amazing how many individuals do not know that their real father was never married to their mothers!
Wedlock is far more prevalent than we realize!!!
of-the-mountain
Level 9
Apr 3, 2020
0
Whatever a couple decides is OK for them... is OK. Some situations may be unexpected or hard to swallow, but if you can carry on with the relationship and enjoying it, done is done!
Merseyman1
Level 9
Apr 3, 2020
1
Monogamy is not the problem. It is committing to a monogamous relationship and then not being able to live up to the commitment. On second thought, not being able to live up to a commitment is okay as long as one doesn’t try too long and end up betraying one’s partner. If they find out they can’t live up to it then they should get out before they start looking elsewhere and hurting someone.
Of course you cannot own someone. But a monogamous relationship is not about owning. It’s about dedication, devotion and giving oneself to a partnership.
dare2dream
Level 7
Apr 3, 2020
4
Well said.
The "ownership" kicks in when one or the other develops a fear of betrayal. That usually causes a person to get apprehensive, more needy, more possessive, and so on. Very often, a person like that needs to "let go" a little, but that's very hard to do.
@mischl I agree.
A feeling of ownership is unhealthy. Fears of betrayal indicate a lack of trust which is necessary in a healthy relationship. If one individual or the other in a relationship is not healthy, the relationship can't be very healthy.
There is a world of difference between being a father and being a sperm donor. Finding out the kid you loved and nurtured for years doesn't share your DNA shouldn't affect how you relate to him/her. Pissed off about the infidelity? Fine. Blame the kid? Bullshit.
RonWilliam53
Level 7
Apr 3, 2020
4
@MissKathleen Bingo! YES. Honesty can cause some problems but it can also prevent worse problems in the future. Just tell it like it is. I'm always surprised at how well some people can take the hard truth.
@MissKathleen Not that I would know but I wonder if he was an asshole because his body could somehow detect the child wasn't his. I've often wondered about that.
I think this subject is complex but often needlessly so. If people make the agreements they truly want to make, and keep those agreements, many problems would be avoided. We can always change an agreement but simply acting outside of an agreement and hoping to keep it a secret is trouble.
wonderandlisten
Level 6
Apr 3, 2020
3
One reason I joined this site was to view how other people without religious proscriptions and constraints took to ideas of monogamy. (I don't believe monogamy is the natural state of the human mammal)
Overall seems the notion of exclusive relationships is just as strong as in the society at large.
seattlepanda
Level 7
Apr 3, 2020
1
Check out some of the other groups, especially the poly one
I am sure that preferences, tendencies, poliamor, and every choice in the book has nothing to do with religious choices. You'll find here as many colors as in any other group, but maybe more honest and open.
@RonWilliam53 ...in it...
Yes. Marriage and divorce statistics bear out what you said. Monogamy is not the "natural state" of over half of people in modern cultures. At least not long-term.
Marriage provides legitimacy - who is legally responsible for the results of this couple having sex - they have sworn to only have one another . If he has an out of the marriage and she bears his child , he is also legally responsible for that child and that responsibility takes finances away from his family . If she bears someone else's child , she is responsible for seeing that that child is cared and maintained financially . The law says regardless if the child is her husband's or not , he is responsible for supporting the child . There is also the health issues . If either partner is having sex outside of the marriage , they can bring unwanted std's into the marriage , which can cost their partner their life . HIVAIDS , Ebola , Sipholis (sp) , Clamedia (sp) for starters .
Cast1es
Level 9
Apr 3, 2020
0
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